please review my LOCI

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rockstar4488
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please review my LOCI

Postby rockstar4488 » Fri Apr 09, 2010 4:16 pm

Hey all, please critique.. this is meant to be a non generic LOCI for AU, as I do plan on immediately accepting their offer if one is made to me. I'm not really sure if the volunteer part fits in here. I'm also not sure of the flow. Anyways, all feedback appreciated. The end is a little raw too I think. I dont know, I've been staring at it for a while. Fresh eyes will do wondrous things for it.

Thanks in advance!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Office of Admissions
American University
Washington College of Law
4801 Massachusetts Ave., NW
Suite 507
Washington, DC 20016

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to express my continued interest in attending the Washington College of Law. Though recently placed on the waiting list, the part-time J.D. program remains my top choice to study law. Being able to attend American University would provide me with the benefit of continuing my career as a statistician with the Department of Commerce while simultaneously receiving a legal education. I believe that the opportunities at AU, such as the federal tax clinic mesh very well with my career, where I am already regularly dealing with title 26 data. Additionally, its Massachusetts Avenue location and its proximity to Bethesda will allow me to continue in my role as a volunteer wrestling coach at Bethesda Chevy-Chase High School. I look forward to the possibility of being accepted off the waiting list, and if given an offer to attend, I will accept immediately.

Thank you for your time,
-Rockstar

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NU_Jet55
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Re: please review my LOCI

Postby NU_Jet55 » Fri Apr 09, 2010 4:24 pm

rockstar4488 wrote:Hey all, please critique.. this is meant to be a non generic LOCI for AU, as I do plan on immediately accepting their offer if one is made to me. I'm not really sure if the volunteer part fits in here. I'm also not sure of the flow. Anyways, all feedback appreciated. The end is a little raw too I think. I dont know, I've been staring at it for a while. Fresh eyes will do wondrous things for it.

Thanks in advance!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Office of Admissions
American University
Washington College of Law
4801 Massachusetts Ave., NW
Suite 507
Washington, DC 20016

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to express my continued interest in attending the Washington College of Law. Though recently placed on the waiting list, the part-time J.D. program remains my top choice to study law. Being able to attend American University would provide me with the benefit of continuing my career as a statistician with the Department of Commerce while simultaneously receiving a legal education. I believe that the opportunities at AU, such as the federal tax clinic mesh very well with my career, where I am already regularly dealing with title 26 data. Additionally, its Massachusetts Avenue location and its proximity to Bethesda will allow me to continue in my role as a volunteer wrestling coach at Bethesda Chevy-Chase High School. I look forward to the possibility of being accepted off the waiting list, and if given an offer to attend, I will accept immediately.

Thank you for your time,
-Rockstar


Sounds good; it's short, to the point, says what it needs to say while reminding them a little bit about who you are. Just send it in; the most important thing is that they have the LOCI in front of them. Good luck, and I hope to see you as a classmate at WCL next year!

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WhiskeyGuy
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Re: please review my LOCI

Postby WhiskeyGuy » Fri Apr 09, 2010 4:27 pm

First, this sentence does not read like you want it to:"I believe that the opportunities at AU, such as the federal tax clinic mesh very well with my career, where I am already regularly dealing with title 26 data." I think you want a comma before "mesh."

Second, I would not leave this LOCI up in the same message in which you say you won't necessarily attend AU; an AU rep could easily come across this thread.

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DoktorZaius
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Re: please review my LOCI

Postby DoktorZaius » Fri Apr 09, 2010 4:29 pm

WhiskeyGuy wrote:Second, I would not leave this LOCI up in the same message in which you say you won't necessarily attend AU; an AU rep could easily come across this thread.

this is meant to be a non generic LOCI for AU, as I do plan on immediately accepting their offer if one is made to me

Huh?

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holydonkey
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Re: please review my LOCI

Postby holydonkey » Fri Apr 09, 2010 4:30 pm

cut this

[strike]Additionally, its Massachusetts Avenue location and its proximity to Bethesda will allow me to continue in my role as a volunteer wrestling coach at Bethesda Chevy-Chase High School.[/strike]

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scruffs mcguff
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Re: please review my LOCI

Postby scruffs mcguff » Fri Apr 09, 2010 4:33 pm

WhiskeyGuy wrote:First, this sentence does not read like you want it to:"I believe that the opportunities at AU, such as the federal tax clinic mesh very well with my career, where I am already regularly dealing with title 26 data." I think you want a comma before "mesh."

Second, I would not leave this LOCI up in the same message in which you say you won't necessarily attend AU; an AU rep could easily come across this thread.


Yes I think you want this...

I believe [strike]that[/strike] the opportunities at AU, such as the federal tax clinic, mesh very well with my career where I regularly deal with title 26 data.

Also, I'd take out "that" and probably write our AU but I'm assuming you'd do that anyway. I switched up the wording of the end too, probably just a preference though.
Last edited by scruffs mcguff on Fri Apr 09, 2010 4:35 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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CardinalRules
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Re: please review my LOCI

Postby CardinalRules » Fri Apr 09, 2010 4:34 pm

holydonkey wrote:cut this

[strike]Additionally, its Massachusetts Avenue location and its proximity to Bethesda will allow me to continue in my role as a volunteer wrestling coach at Bethesda Chevy-Chase High School.[/strike]


+a lot. Otherwise, it looks good. I think that WhiskeyGuy must have misread something in the original post; don't worry about what he said.

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kissy
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Re: please review my LOCI

Postby kissy » Fri Apr 09, 2010 4:35 pm

WhiskeyGuy wrote:First, this sentence does not read like you want it to:"I believe that the opportunities at AU, such as the federal tax clinic mesh very well with my career, where I am already regularly dealing with title 26 data." I think you want a comma before "mesh."

Second, I would not leave this LOCI up in the same message in which you say you won't necessarily attend AU; an AU rep could easily come across this thread.

i wouldn't even use the word "mesh"

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WhiskeyGuy
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Re: please review my LOCI

Postby WhiskeyGuy » Fri Apr 09, 2010 4:36 pm

DoktorZaius wrote:
WhiskeyGuy wrote:Second, I would not leave this LOCI up in the same message in which you say you won't necessarily attend AU; an AU rep could easily come across this thread.

this is meant to be a non generic LOCI for AU, as I do plan on immediately accepting their offer if one is made to me

Huh?


Whoops, read that wrong.

OP, I would reword the beginning of your LOCI to state something along the lines of "I will certainly attend if I am admitted." You want to be crystal clear. Saying "top choice" does not necessarily mean you will accept their offer.

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CardinalRules
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Re: please review my LOCI

Postby CardinalRules » Fri Apr 09, 2010 4:38 pm

WhiskeyGuy wrote:
DoktorZaius wrote:
WhiskeyGuy wrote:Second, I would not leave this LOCI up in the same message in which you say you won't necessarily attend AU; an AU rep could easily come across this thread.

this is meant to be a non generic LOCI for AU, as I do plan on immediately accepting their offer if one is made to me

Huh?


Whoops, read that wrong.

OP, I would reword the beginning of your LOCI to state something along the lines of "I will certainly attend if I am admitted." You want to be crystal clear. Saying "top choice" does not necessarily mean you will accept their offer.


He says so at the end. You're struggling on RC a bit today. :wink:

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scruffs mcguff
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Re: please review my LOCI

Postby scruffs mcguff » Fri Apr 09, 2010 4:42 pm

I think he may have just meant to add that to the first line. But maybe I'm wrong.

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You Gotta Have Faith
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Re: please review my LOCI

Postby You Gotta Have Faith » Fri Apr 09, 2010 4:44 pm

Did you apply later in the cycle? Because your numbers are pretty good to be hanging on by a thread at American, even with the lower GPA. Maybe they wait-listed you because weren't sure you'd go. If you get in, with a 170, they should at least give you some amount of money. Just my $.02.

Also, since you seem interested in the D.C. area, did you toss an app to G.W.? That's by no means a guarantee, but you're about in line with their numbers (on the LSAT/GPA calculator you're at 50% or so).

Oh, but to answer the question... with the amended changes I like your LOCI.

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WhiskeyGuy
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Re: please review my LOCI

Postby WhiskeyGuy » Fri Apr 09, 2010 4:50 pm

CardinalRules wrote:
WhiskeyGuy wrote:
DoktorZaius wrote:
WhiskeyGuy wrote:Second, I would not leave this LOCI up in the same message in which you say you won't necessarily attend AU; an AU rep could easily come across this thread.

this is meant to be a non generic LOCI for AU, as I do plan on immediately accepting their offer if one is made to me

Huh?


Whoops, read that wrong.

OP, I would reword the beginning of your LOCI to state something along the lines of "I will certainly attend if I am admitted." You want to be crystal clear. Saying "top choice" does not necessarily mean you will accept their offer.


He says so at the end. You're struggling on RC a bit today. :wink:


Haha. I am, but not in this instance. I mean he should put the "I will definitely attend" statement in his first or second sentence rather than at the very end. I imagine quite a few LOCIs begin in the same way as the OP's current iteration. He could perhaps get noticed more by breaking form and saying first thing "I will certainly attend."

rockstar4488
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Re: please review my LOCI

Postby rockstar4488 » Fri Apr 09, 2010 5:01 pm

WhiskeyGuy wrote:Haha. I am, but not in this instance. I mean he should put the "I will definitely attend" statement in his first or second sentence rather than at the very end. I imagine quite a few LOCIs begin in the same way as the OP's current iteration. He could perhaps get noticed more by breaking form and saying first thing "I will certainly attend."


+1 to this.. I'm still brainstorming a way to make it more prevalent than i have it in the following draft. I really dont like the 'continued interest' phrase. It is so canned and contrived. I wish I could put on a stamp that says that I actually mean it, and that they are the only school getting one of these from me.

I appreciate the advice so far. As far as a rep seeing this thread, by all means!


To answer some of the questions
-I am applied to GW. However, I feel that AU is able to better fit my life as a whole.
-I am a late application person.



2nd take on it:

-----------------------------------------

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to express my continued interest in attending the Washington College of Law and that if admitted, I will certainly attend. Though recently placed on the waiting list, the part-time J.D. program remains my top choice to study law. Being able to attend American University would provide me with the benefit of continuing my career as a statistician with the Department of Commerce while simultaneously receiving a legal education. I believe that the opportunities at American University, such as the federal tax clinic, go very well with my career where I regularly deal with title 26 data. I look forward to the possibility of being accepted off the waiting list.

Thank you for your time,
-Rockstar

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WhiskeyGuy
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Re: please review my LOCI

Postby WhiskeyGuy » Fri Apr 09, 2010 6:33 pm

rockstar4488 wrote:
WhiskeyGuy wrote:Haha. I am, but not in this instance. I mean he should put the "I will definitely attend" statement in his first or second sentence rather than at the very end. I imagine quite a few LOCIs begin in the same way as the OP's current iteration. He could perhaps get noticed more by breaking form and saying first thing "I will certainly attend."


+1 to this.. I'm still brainstorming a way to make it more prevalent than i have it in the following draft. I really dont like the 'continued interest' phrase. It is so canned and contrived. I wish I could put on a stamp that says that I actually mean it, and that they are the only school getting one of these from me.

I appreciate the advice so far. As far as a rep seeing this thread, by all means!


To answer some of the questions
-I am applied to GW. However, I feel that AU is able to better fit my life as a whole.
-I am a late application person.



2nd take on it:

-----------------------------------------

[strike]To Whom It May Concern[/strike][i woudl put the admissions dean's name here + and Admissions Committee":

I write[strike]am writing[/strike] to express that the part-time J.D. program at the Washington College of Law remains my top choice for law school. If I am admitted, I will certainly attend. [strike]my continued interest in attending joining the Washington College of Law. the part-time J.D. program remains my top choice to study law. If I am admitted, I will certainly attend. Though recently placed on the waiting list,[/strike]
[strike]Being able to attend[/strike]
American University would provide me with the benefit of continuing my career as a statistician with the Department of Commerce while simultaneously receiving a legal education. Furthermore, I am convinced that the opportunities at American University, such as the federal tax clinic, [strike]go very well with my[/strike]complement my career goals better than those at any other law school. [strike]where I regularly deal with title 26 data.[/strike] I look forward to the possibility of being accepted off the waiting list.

Thank you for your time,
-Rockstar


Above are my edits. Hope they help.

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soonergirl
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Re: please review my LOCI

Postby soonergirl » Fri Apr 09, 2010 6:41 pm

I look forward to the possibility of being accepted off the waiting list.


clumsy and somewhat nonsensical. You're not really looking forward to a possibility. You're looking forward to attending. Or to an offer. You want to show more confidence, too. You sound like you don't really believe you're going to receive an offer.

And don't mention the waiting list. They already know you're on that.

"I look forward to enrolling at American University this fall."

or

"I look forward to starting law school at American University this fall."

or

"I'm hopeful that I'll have the opportunity to accept an offer of admission. I look forward to hearing from you."

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You Gotta Have Faith
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Re: please review my LOCI

Postby You Gotta Have Faith » Fri Apr 09, 2010 6:49 pm

soonergirl wrote:
I look forward to the possibility of being accepted off the waiting list.


clumsy and somewhat nonsensical. You're not really looking forward to a possibility. You're looking forward to attending. Or to an offer. You want to show more confidence, too. You sound like you don't really believe you're going to receive an offer.

And don't mention the waiting list. They already know you're on that.

"I look forward to enrolling at American University this fall."

or

"I look forward to starting law school at American University this fall."

or

"I'm hopeful that I'll have the opportunity to accept an offer of admission. I look forward to hearing from you."


I'm going to have to respectfully dissent on this advice. I don't like the idea of saying that you look forward to enrolling or attending while you are still on the waitlist. It could be perceived, by me at least, as arrogant.

However, I am okay with the 3d option listed here, just not the first two. I don't think the original sounds that bad, but perhaps it could be amended. The approach similar to what you have listed (or the 3d approach here) is closer to what worked for me, at least.

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soonergirl
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Re: please review my LOCI

Postby soonergirl » Fri Apr 09, 2010 6:54 pm

You Gotta Have Faith wrote:
soonergirl wrote:
I look forward to the possibility of being accepted off the waiting list.


clumsy and somewhat nonsensical. You're not really looking forward to a possibility. You're looking forward to attending. Or to an offer. You want to show more confidence, too. You sound like you don't really believe you're going to receive an offer.

And don't mention the waiting list. They already know you're on that.

"I look forward to enrolling at American University this fall."

or

"I look forward to starting law school at American University this fall."

or

"I'm hopeful that I'll have the opportunity to accept an offer of admission. I look forward to hearing from you."


I'm going to have to respectfully dissent on this advice. I don't like the idea of saying that you look forward to enrolling or attending while you are still on the waitlist. It could be perceived, by me at least, as arrogant.

However, I am okay with the 3d option listed here, just not the first two. I don't think the original sounds that bad, but perhaps it could be amended. The approach similar to what you have listed (or the 3d approach here) is closer to what worked for me, at least.


This is a pretty standard approach for all cover letters (LoCIs are basically cover letters you normally use with jobs). You make it clear earlier in your note that you're supplicating (i.e., not prideful), but you close with confidence.

The weakest I would go with is

"I'm excited about the possibility of attending American University this fall, and I look forward to hearing from you."

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MrKappus
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Re: please review my LOCI

Postby MrKappus » Fri Apr 09, 2010 6:54 pm

rockstar4488 wrote:
[strike]To Whom It May Concern:[/strike] [Find a name. Nothing kills a reader's buzz faster than "To Whom It May Concern."]

I am writing to express my continued interest in attending the Washington College of Law [strike]and that if admitted, I will certainly attend. Though recently placed on the waiting list, the part-time J.D. program remains my top choice to study law[/strike]. If I am admitted from the waiting list, I will certainly attend, because WCL's part-time JD program remains my top choice. [Attending] American University would [allow me to continue] [strike]provide me with the benefit of continuing[/strike] my career as a statistician with the Department of Commerce while [strike]simultaneously[/strike] receiving a legal education. I believe that the opportunities at American University, such as the federal tax clinic, [strike]go very well with my career[/strike] dovetail nicely with tasks I perform daily as a [insert job title] with the DoC, such as [find a new phrase for 'dealing w/'] [T]itle 26 data. [strike]I look forward to the possibility of being accepted off the waiting list.[/strike] Thank you for your time and consideration, and I hope I have the opportunity to attend WCL this fall.

Best/Sincerely/Regards [or some other legit closing],
-Rockstar

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WhiskeyGuy
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Re: please review my LOCI

Postby WhiskeyGuy » Fri Apr 09, 2010 7:15 pm

MrKappus wrote:
rockstar4488 wrote:
[strike]To Whom It May Concern:[/strike] [Find a name. Nothing kills a reader's buzz faster than "To Whom It May Concern."]

I am writing to express my continued interest in attending the Washington College of Law [strike]and that if admitted, I will certainly attend. Though recently placed on the waiting list, the part-time J.D. program remains my top choice to study law[/strike]. If I am admitted from the waiting list, I will certainly attend, because WCL's part-time JD program remains my top choice. [Attending] American University would [allow me to continue] [strike]provide me with the benefit of continuing[/strike] my career as a statistician with the Department of Commerce while [strike]simultaneously[/strike] receiving a legal education. I believe that the opportunities at American University, such as the federal tax clinic, [strike]go very well with my career[/strike] dovetail nicely with tasks I perform daily as a [insert job title] with the DoC, such as [find a new phrase for 'dealing w/'] [T]itle 26 data. [strike]I look forward to the possibility of being accepted off the waiting list.[/strike] Thank you for your time and consideration, and I hope I have the opportunity to attend WCL this fall.

Best/Sincerely/Regards [or some other legit closing],
-Rockstar


I have to respectfully disagree with two of the above edits.

First, the fact that OP will definitely attend if he is admitted is the most valuable part of his LOCI. It deserves its own sentence.

Second, I don't think OP should include details about his job. Saying he is convinced his career goals coincide with the opportunities at AU should suffice. It would also make his LOCI more concise.

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MrKappus
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Re: please review my LOCI

Postby MrKappus » Fri Apr 09, 2010 7:24 pm

WhiskeyGuy wrote:I have to respectfully disagree with two of the above edits.

First, the fact that OP will definitely attend if he is admitted is the most valuable part of his LOCI. It deserves its own sentence.

Second, I don't think OP should include details about his job. Saying he is convinced his career goals coincide with the opportunities at AU should suffice. It would also make his LOCI more concise.


(1) I think app readers are sophisticated enough to understand a commitment to attend, even if it's not in its own standalone sentence. I found the "If I am admitted, I will attend" after the first sentence choppy. This is a matter of pref, but I understand where you're coming from.

(2) People respond to specificity. If OP's going to say that a particular component of WCL corresponds to his job (thereby enhancing WCL's appeal), it seems advisable to say why this is so. Any yahoo can express interest about any particular aspect of WCL. If the point is to stand out, the only way to do so is to mention specific aspects of your background that differentiate you from other candidates.

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WhiskeyGuy
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Re: please review my LOCI

Postby WhiskeyGuy » Fri Apr 09, 2010 7:52 pm

MrKappus wrote:
WhiskeyGuy wrote:I have to respectfully disagree with two of the above edits.

First, the fact that OP will definitely attend if he is admitted is the most valuable part of his LOCI. It deserves its own sentence.

Second, I don't think OP should include details about his job. Saying he is convinced his career goals coincide with the opportunities at AU should suffice. It would also make his LOCI more concise.


(1) I think app readers are sophisticated enough to understand a commitment to attend, even if it's not in its own standalone sentence. I found the "If I am admitted, I will attend" after the first sentence choppy. This is a matter of pref, but I understand where you're coming from.

(2) People respond to specificity. If OP's going to say that a particular component of WCL corresponds to his job (thereby enhancing WCL's appeal), it seems advisable to say why this is so. Any yahoo can express interest about any particular aspect of WCL. If the point is to stand out, the only way to do so is to mention specific aspects of your background that differentiate you from other candidates.




1. OP, I think Kappus has a good point here. The following might be a better first paragraph--it is still short and the commitment is clear, but it is less choppy: "I write to express my strong continued interest in attending the Washington College of Law. WCL's part-time JD program remains my top choice, and I will certainly attend if I am admitted."

2. OP, what did you write about in your AU PS? I would definitely omit from this LOCI the job details if you or your referees mentioned them in your application. The shorter this LOCI is, the more time the admissions staff will have to review the other parts of your application--and the brighter your promise to attend will shine.




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