can you read a paragraph of my LOCI?

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2807
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Re: can you read a paragraph of my LOCI?

Postby 2807 » Thu Apr 08, 2010 10:01 am

OP: Towards the end you say that you "have spoken with ..." That is passive voice. Just say that "I spoke with...." Short, declarative sentences. <---period.

Passive voice can be kind of like a killer in almost any kind of like academic writings and stuff....

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sapp
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Re: can you read a paragraph of my LOCI?

Postby sapp » Thu Apr 08, 2010 11:00 am

Bailarina08 wrote:Anyone want to give input on mine as well? I'm thinking this will actually be the whole letter, since it's just a follow-up to a longer letter I sent when first waitlisted:

"I'm writing to reiterate my interest in attending the XXX Law School.

I enjoyed the time I spent on campus in March, and was thoroughly impressed by the students, the professors, and the resources that XXXX University provides. I was originally drawn to the school because of the curriculum and location; my visit has only reinforced my sense that the XX is the best school for me. Although I'm fortunate enough to have offers from other schools, the XXX University remains at the top of my list, and I would not hesitate to accept an offer of admission.

I hope that you will consider my application if spots become available in the entering class. "


I like it. Is there anything that you can add after you mention your visit in March like "I was particularly impressed with __something that made an impression to you while there in person that you wouldn't have gotten online__" ? That might give it a little extra. But as a short follow up letter I like it. To the point, direct, and I like that you mention you have other offers without making it seem like you're bragging or without getting into details.

Bailarina08
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Re: can you read a paragraph of my LOCI?

Postby Bailarina08 » Thu Apr 08, 2010 11:18 am

"I'm writing to reiterate my interest in attending the XXX Law School.

I enjoyed the time I spent on campus in March, and was thoroughly impressed by the students, the professors, and the resources that XXXX University provides. I found Constitutional Law with Professor X engaging and interesting, and was impressed by the intellectual curiosity students displayed.

I was originally drawn to the school because of the curriculum and location; my visit has only reinforced my sense that the XX is the best school for me. Although I'm fortunate enough to have offers from other schools, the XXX University remains at the top of my list, and I would not hesitate to accept an offer of admission.

I hope that you will consider my application if spots become available in the entering class. "

Better?

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sapp
Posts: 151
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Re: can you read a paragraph of my LOCI?

Postby sapp » Thu Apr 08, 2010 11:32 am

Bailarina08 wrote:"I'm writing to reiterate my interest in attending the XXX Law School.

I enjoyed the time I spent on campus in March, and was thoroughly impressed by the students, the professors, and the resources that XXXX University provides. I found the Constitutional Law class I attended with Professor X engaging and interesting, and was impressed by the intellectual curiosity students displayed.

I was originally drawn to the school because of the curriculum and location; my visit has only reinforced my sense that the XX is the best school for me. Although I'm fortunate enough to have offers from other schools, the XXX University remains at the top of my list, and I would not hesitate to accept an offer of admission.

I hope that you will consider my application if spots become available in the entering class. "



Double impressed so close together - another word you can use? (It's not a death sentence if you can't come up with anything, just stylistically a little better imo if you can.)

Bailarina08
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Re: can you read a paragraph of my LOCI?

Postby Bailarina08 » Fri Apr 09, 2010 10:02 am

Hmmm. Maybe this works better?
"I'm writing to reiterate my interest in attending the XXX Law School.

I enjoyed the time I spent on campus in March, and was thoroughly impressed by the students, the professors, and the resources that XXXX University provides. I found the Constitutional Law class I attended with Professor X engaging and interesting, and was excited by the intellectual curiosity students displayed.

I was originally drawn to the school because of the curriculum and location; my visit has only reinforced my sense that the XX is the best school for me. Although I'm fortunate enough to have offers from other schools, the XXX University remains at the top of my list, and I would not hesitate to accept an offer of admission.

I hope that you will consider my application if spots become available in the entering class. "

e10
Posts: 37
Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2010 12:03 am

Re: can you read a paragraph of my LOCI?

Postby e10 » Fri Apr 09, 2010 2:47 pm

who do you address the letter to? to whom it may concern or dear admissions committee?

Z3RO
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Re: can you read a paragraph of my LOCI?

Postby Z3RO » Fri Apr 09, 2010 2:56 pm

2807 wrote:OP: Towards the end you say that you "have spoken with ..." That is passive voice. Just say that "I spoke with...." Short, declarative sentences. <---period.

Passive voice can be kind of like a killer in almost any kind of like academic writings and stuff....

That's not passive voice, it's past perfect. Past perfect is fine if a little wordy.

PV would have been "I was spoken to by..."

If you're gonna grammar Nazi, at least google yourself to double-check.

Wooster33
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Re: can you read a paragraph of my LOCI?

Postby Wooster33 » Fri Apr 09, 2010 3:15 pm

peeker82 wrote:Hey everyone. Could you read this paragraph from my LOCI and make any corrections? any suggestions will help. I feel good about the rest of my letter, but not great about this paragraph. thanks!

I am writing you to reiterate my interest in attending XXX School of Law, which remains my top choice for a number of reasons. During my campus visit in January, I had the opportunity to attend Professor XXX’s course, International Criminal Law. I found the class fascinating; the students were deeply engaged in the subject, actively participating with provocative questions, offering thoughtful answers to the professor’s inquiries, and challenging each other’s points with conviction. This is exactly the rigorous academic environment that I seek. Additionally, I have spoken to several current students, all of whom agree that XXX Law encourages teamwork and cooperation among students, thus eliminating much of the cut throat atmosphere prevalent at peer law schools.



The reason--you were very impressed with a professor's lecture--is weak. At most it should be a sentence and a side note in your LOCI. Your LOCI should be genuine and short. For example, the cooperation and teamwork bit seems over the top, IMO, though the basic point is fine, just try to express it in a more realistic way. For example, that XXX law school is more collegial and less neurotic than many peer schools.

peeker82
Posts: 155
Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 12:07 pm

Re: can you read a paragraph of my LOCI?

Postby peeker82 » Sat Apr 10, 2010 12:20 am

thanks everyone, i really appreciate the input, even the savage ones... just sent it, feel good about it. I've gotten two more holds so i'll be writing more of these... FML




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