Long-distance relationship while in law school? Forum

[anothertlsuser]

This question may not be as important I guess as other law-school related queries, but it's important to me.

I really want to go to law school, but my boyfriend is working on getting his master's degree right now and does not know exactly where he is going to end up working once he's done. In all likelihood, though, he will probably end up getting a job somewhere far from where I end up going to law school.

We are pretty "serious" so to speak.... I have been with him since my senior year of high school (yeah... long ass time) and we have actually been dealing with a long distance relationship throughout my entire time as an undergrad.

But I'm sick of long distance.

Some people might think, "Oh, you've handled it for awhile now already, so you'll be able to handle it for three more years"... But I don't know if I'll be able to. I want to finally be geographically close to him/maybe live with him...

Annnnd I'm not sure what exactly we're going to do once I graduate law school, assuming we're still together by then (and we will most likely be, since I have been with him for so long already and I do love him and all that jazz). Either he will have to quit his job and find a new one near where I end up practicing, or I'll have to try to get a job close to where he is.

There's all these complications, it seems. But my main question I guess is, do you think it would be possible to deal with a long-distance relationship for all three years of law school? Law school is a stressful time, much more so than undergrad, and it'd be nice if I could actually have him around during that time. And I'm so sick of the whole long distance thing. I was lucky that I got to see him many weekends last year, but I probably won't be that fortunate in ls. I am not going to base my school decision on where he is employed.

[blurbz]

I've made it through 1L in a long distance relationship. She lives and works in a secondary market that I'll be targeting, but we've both agreed that if I get a good offer somewhere else, we'll go there. It's not easy by any means, but I've been busy enough that it hasn't been terrible and she's always been really, really supportive of me and driven/ambitious in her own life. I think it just comes down to whether or not you'll both be able to stay busy enough so that it doesn't bother you too much and whether you're both supportive enough of each other to be willing to make it work. Of course, compromise is important, too: not on values or anything, but maybe on eventual job locations and etc--But if you're at the point where you're making those kinds of decisions, you've already made it through the hard part!

[09042014]

TL;DR; you'll sleep with some douchebag from your section who gives you too much attention.

[flcath]

Are you smart?

[Magnolia]

This thread may have some helpful tips on surviving 1L with a long distance SO.

[Gideon Strumpet]

If you're making serious life choices to accommodate this person, then they better be married to you. If you're not married and not getting married, then you just have to make your own choices and deal with what happens. And if you're not married or getting married, do not expect it to survive law school or three more years apart; it almost certainly will not.

FWIW, based on all my friends and couples I know, the chances of staying together in the future tend to go down the longer a relationship continues without a solid commitment happening (i.e., getting engaged or married). If you're talking about something that will be pushing five years or more by the time you get out of law school, the prospects seem grim even if you're not separated.

[Gideon Strumpet]

TL;DR; you'll sleep with some douchebag from your section who gives you too much attention.

[quixotical]

You've been together 5+ years and you're still describing your relationship with quotation marks around "serious," so fyi, you aren't serious. If you don't have a ring on your finger, you need to dump him and call it a day. If he hasn't proposed yet and you haven't had a real discussion about getting married and him transferring schools to do his master's/work where you go to school, then I'm sorry but he's just not that into you. He has already decided you're not "the one," and you would be better off breaking up now rather than dragging it out and dealing with this during law school.

[geoduck]

Are you positive he hasn't been stepping out on you? Also, why is he getting his masters while you're getting your bachelors if you started dating in high school?

[jtemp320]

.

[japes]

Doing the long-distance thing now too (albeit not in law school) and I'm kinda sick of all the cynicism on these boards re:relationships.

Here is a thread I found to be pretty awesome. JazzOne's posts are particularly worth reading.

I'm a 0L too right now and was looking at possibly doing long-distance during LS. Every law student I talked to I made sure to ask at least one question about relationships. Without variation, every single one I talked to told me that it was hard, but that they were incredibly grateful to have someone to take their mind off of school when they needed it. I don't think that needs to come from a romantic relationship, but I do think these boards as a whole tend to be a little hard on relationships in law school.

OP, no matter what happens, if you stay with your man you and he are going to have to come to a compromise on where you live. Whether or not any of this is worth it or possible isn't something anyone other than you can say. I will say, though, that if you're worried about it you're probably in the right place. Right now is a good time to reevaluate things and see if you're really willing to commit going forward. 1L is probably not a great time to go through the breakup of a 5-year high school relationship. The fact that you put more emphasis on the length of your relationship than the seriousness gives me pause. I guess the question you've got to ask yourself is if you're still together because you feel your relationship is an inevitability or because you really want to try to be with your man for the rest of your life. My lady and I went through a reevaluation, and it was rough, but we came out feeling better than ever about our future.

HTH and best of luck to you.

[yeahyeah2121]

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[geoduck]

If she doesn't have a ring on her finger, and she's 22/23 she should just forget about her relationship? That's such a ridiculous thing to say. A lot of women, including myself, don't want to get married until they have some sort of career established or at the very least, aren't knee deep in debt. OP - I did long distance in undergrad for three years and then I moved up to him for a year to work. It looks like we're going back to long distance (2hours) again this fall, so I understand where you're coming from. You just need to talk to him about the future and make sure he's willing to make compromises. It's gonna suck, but hopefully it works out for the both of us.

What does debt or career have anything to do with getting married? Career-wise, if you plan on changing your name after marriage, it's probably best to do before you start racking up work contacts. If you choose not to then that isn't an issue, obviously. For debt, how does that prevent marriage? I mean really? It's easier to tackle debt as a team anyway and there's always the prenup if you are really worried about it. My undergrad debt hasn't done anything to ruin my relationship with my wife (and no, we didn't sign a prenup).

[NYC Law]

TL;DR; you'll sleep with some douchebag from your section who gives you too much attention.

TITCR

[crossingforHYS]

I disagree about a long relationship meaning you have to marry or else you are not serious. I have been with my so for 6 years, and to be honest I am happy--so is he, and we know marriage may be in the future but we both know until we finish up school and do what we need to do as individuals (accomplish goals) that we are not getting married---someday just not now. So don't listen to the pessimistic folks.

[geoduck]

I disagree about a long relationship meaning you have to marry or else you are not serious. I have been with my so for 6 years, and to be honest I am happy--so is he, and we know marriage may be in the future but we both know until we finish up school and do what we need to do as individuals (accomplish goals) that we are not getting married---someday just not now. So don't listen to the pessimistic folks.

That always makes me giggle. As if we married folk are unable to accomplish individual goals.

[crossingforHYS]

I disagree about a long relationship meaning you have to marry or else you are not serious. I have been with my so for 6 years, and to be honest I am happy--so is he, and we know marriage may be in the future but we both know until we finish up school and do what we need to do as individuals (accomplish goals) that we are not getting married---someday just not now. So don't listen to the pessimistic folks.

That always makes me giggle. As if we married folk are unable to accomplish individual goals.

That's not what I meant--- for me and him, if we were married we would be focused on that. There is a different dynamic is every relationship--and for us marriage would be a distraction. I know that sounds wierd but everyone is different, so one cannot judge a relationship unless they are in it.

[Etudilos]

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[Cupidity]

Don't listen to these broken-hearts-club schmucks. I just finished 1L long distance, and it's going to be another year before we can be together again, but honestly, I think it's wonderful. I've been in a relationship since senior year of high school, and this time apart has been great. One of the problems of dating someone that early and for that long is you tend to fuse into one person, after dating for 3 years, we've both really enjoyed taking this time apart.

Stick it out, it'll be worth it. Select a law school in a major market like LA, NYC, Boston, DC, or Chicago so that you both have decent employment and educational opportunities.

[nealric]

I was in a long distance relationship my 1L year and ended up marrying the person. It can work.

[Gideon Strumpet]

If she doesn't have a ring on her finger, and she's 22/23 she should just forget about her relationship?

No. The point is, do not make decisions that revolve around another person unless you and that person have made an actual commitment to each other, and thus a commitment to live together with the outcome of those decisions. You should date who you want, when you want, how you want. Everyone does anyway, so contrary advice is just naive.

When people ask things like, "Should I go to law school A because that's where I want to be, or law school B, because that's where my boyfriend will be," I see them as setting up for upset and frustration down the line. My advice is do not make that decision on that basis. Make the choice of which school to attend for yourself, because you're the one who has to live with it. If you can make things work in the relationship AFTER you have made the right decision for you, then fine, have fun and enjoy it. Just don't let someone else drive your choices until he or she has made an actual commitment to see those choices through.

If you're married, then you both have agreed to live together with the consequences of all decisions that each of you make. For married people, my advice is make absolutely certain that you are BOTH happy with any choice of school you make--and with the basic choice to go at all--because otherwise it's going to be a loooooong three years, and getting divorced in the middle of it is NOT the credited way to learn family law. Both people should have a hard, realistic understanding of what different choices mean for the long run, and both must be happy living with the outcome.

[TTH]

TL;DR; you'll sleep with some douchebag from your section who gives you too much attention.

Don't beat yourself up about it, though, he'll be cheating on you as well.

[CanadianWolf]

Long distance relationships are easy---it's the reality of living together that can be difficult and can quickly destroy a relationship. Sounds like you are best friends, rather than a couple, if you have been long-distance for several (4) years now.

[kwais]

If she doesn't have a ring on her finger, and she's 22/23 she should just forget about her relationship?

No. The point is, do not make decisions that revolve around another person unless you and that person have made an actual commitment to each other, and thus a commitment to live together with the outcome of those decisions. You should date who you want, when you want, how you want. Everyone does anyway, so contrary advice is just naive.

When people ask things like, "Should I go to law school A because that's where I want to be, or law school B, because that's where my boyfriend will be," I see them as setting up for upset and frustration down the line. My advice is do not make that decision on that basis. Make the choice of which school to attend for yourself, because you're the one who has to live with it. If you can make things work in the relationship AFTER you have made the right decision for you, then fine, have fun and enjoy it. Just don't let someone else drive your choices until he or she has made an actual commitment to see those choices through.

If you're married, then you both have agreed to live together with the consequences of all decisions that each of you make. For married people, my advice is make absolutely certain that you are BOTH happy with any choice of school you make--and with the basic choice to go at all--because otherwise it's going to be a loooooong three years, and getting divorced in the middle of it is NOT the credited way to learn family law. Both people should have a hard, realistic understanding of what different choices mean for the long run, and both must be happy living with the outcome.

So a piece of paper and a ceremony are the only way to signify an "actual commitment?" Hmmm

[dresden doll]

The fact that LS keeps a person busy should actually help you. You won't have time to get into trouble. It's boredom that breeds affairs on the side, not 12 hour workdays.