Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

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bartleby
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby bartleby » Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:05 pm

I'll go against the wave of new-age rebels and say don't move in with her. 20% because if her parents hate you or make her feel guilty, it'll cause a strain in a relationship. 80% because you have never lived with a girl before and there's always the chance you guys can break up. Having a chick around the apartment 24-7 sucks. Especially if it is a small apartment. You need space. It'll suck if you guys break up and you start thinking about where you're going to live when you should be studying.

In the long run, the extra $500 a month you spend is going to be a speeding ticket. Unless you're talking about NYC/Boston - then I'd say live together and get another roommate. Partyy.

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ArthurDigbySellers
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby ArthurDigbySellers » Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:05 pm

dakatz wrote:I have a gay friend who came out of the closet to his judgmental parents. He could have been like "This is who I am. Deal with it". But instead, he took into account his parents' views and took the time to think about a way to explain his situation in a unique way. He took into account what would have made his father upset about him being gay (as silly as they seemed), and thought out responses to every one. Its not a matter of caving to their demands or their views. Its just a matter of taking their views into consideration in the way you deal with them.


Sounds reasonable to me. You are who you are, why apologize for it?

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paratactical
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby paratactical » Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:06 pm

drmguy wrote:
paratactical wrote:OP - How old are you and the GF and have you guys had serious relationships with other peoeple before? Ever live with another GF?


Both 22 and never lived with anyone before.

Okay. I stand by my man up advice. Just DO NOT get married to appease them. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it.

delusional wrote:Nope, not trolling. Obviously, every situation is different, but assuming that one's parents are loving, stable and supportive with this one idiosyncrasy, it would behoove you to indulge them. It's possible that this is my opinion because I'm a parent, or maybe because I'm religious, although, as I said, much less religious than my parents - which has been the source of a lot of tension.

In today's financial economy and with the difficulties that young people are facing, it is absolutely backasswards and fucking retarded to suggest that a young, responsible couple not live together because of some antiquated notion of polite, correct living. Her parents should applaud her for having goals, a career and a serious relationship instead of suggesting such ergreious things as a "secret wedding".

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paratactical
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby paratactical » Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:08 pm

bartleby wrote:I'll go against the wave of new-age rebels and say don't move in with her. 20% because if her parents hate you or make her feel guilty, it'll cause a strain in a relationship. 80% because you have never lived with a girl before and there's always the chance you guys can break up. Having a chick around the apartment 24-7 sucks. Especially if it is a small apartment. You need space. It'll suck if you guys break up and you start thinking about where you're going to live when you should be studying.

In the long run, the extra $500 a month you spend is going to be a speeding ticket. Unless you're talking about NYC/Boston - then I'd say live together and get another roommate. Partyy.

Meh. It's a good experience to get under your belt, as painful as it can be. I mean, I'd wager that two 22 year-olds that have never had SRSBSN relationships are most likely to end up breaking up, but IMO, I was glad to get it out of the way early. Made it possible for me to live with someone in the right way.

redsoxfan2495 wrote:I was tempted to write something like "Go Sox." to keep the chain going.

Dude, I was at truck day. I hugged Tom Warner.

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Magnolia
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby Magnolia » Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:08 pm

drmguy wrote:
Magnolia wrote:
Sinra wrote:
Danteshek wrote:Living together before marriage can kill the magic in a relationship. I would avoid it if possible.


Moving in with someone should be a requirement before you ever think about getting married.

This. 1000x this.

Also, this is really a question of whether or not OP's girlfriend can handle the strain that their living together will likely put on her relationship with her parents. If she's ok with that, then everything's gravy. If not, there will be problems. How much everyone here thinks parental opinions should matter is irrelevant. It only matters whether OP's girlfriend think they should/do matter.


I just don't know what the extent of the damage would be.

I was thinking she should talk to him about the extent of what would happen but I can't help but think the claims made would not be accurate. Talk is cheap and I have heard too many people go through this situation and the parents threaten everything in the world and then all ends up being good.

But again, she needs to decide whether she can handle the damage, whatever the degree. Maybe it won't be as bad as what they threaten. Maybe it will be the same. Maybe it will be worse. She should be prepared for all of those scenarios. Then, if it ends up being as bad as she anticipated, she'll be prepared. If it ends up being less severe, then so much the better.

Regardless, she needs to have a conversation with them about this, because if she values their opinion, she should be able to talk to them about her life and her choices in an honest way. It's a shift in the child/parent relationship dynamic, but it's an essential one.

dakatz
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby dakatz » Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:08 pm

ArthurDigbySellers wrote:
dakatz wrote:I have a gay friend who came out of the closet to his judgmental parents. He could have been like "This is who I am. Deal with it". But instead, he took into account his parents' views and took the time to think about a way to explain his situation in a unique way. He took into account what would have made his father upset about him being gay (as silly as they seemed), and thought out responses to every one. Its not a matter of caving to their demands or their views. Its just a matter of taking their views into consideration in the way you deal with them.


Sounds reasonable to me. You are who you are, why apologize for it?


It isn't apologizing at all. It was saying the very same thing in a way that helped ensure that both parties understand one another, and maintains the health of a very important relationship in ones life (at least to most people). If all it takes to do so is to just consider the views of your parents without conceding any of your own, it doesn't seem like much to ask.

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ArthurDigbySellers
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby ArthurDigbySellers » Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:10 pm

dakatz wrote:
ArthurDigbySellers wrote:
dakatz wrote:I have a gay friend who came out of the closet to his judgmental parents. He could have been like "This is who I am. Deal with it". But instead, he took into account his parents' views and took the time to think about a way to explain his situation in a unique way. He took into account what would have made his father upset about him being gay (as silly as they seemed), and thought out responses to every one. Its not a matter of caving to their demands or their views. Its just a matter of taking their views into consideration in the way you deal with them.


Sounds reasonable to me. You are who you are, why apologize for it?


It isn't apologizing at all. It was saying the very same thing in a way that helped ensure that both parties understand one another, and maintains the health of a very important relationship in ones life (at least to most people). If all it takes to do so is to just consider the views of your parents without conceding any of your own, it doesn't seem like much to ask.


That's all I meant.

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fatduck
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby fatduck » Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:10 pm

in my experience, when a girl says "oh yea whatever, my parents will probably disown me but i'm an adult, they don't control my life" what they mean is "i'm going to have a nervous breakdown when my parents disown me, and i am not prepared to be cut off from all my extended family, and i'm going to move back home and become a nun"

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Wholigan
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby Wholigan » Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:11 pm

delusional wrote:Since it's more or less understood by intelligent people that one doesn't choose to be gay, it's a moot question. I don't have a black and white chart that says everything that's in and out, but the ridiculousness of the parents' demands is also a factor.


It's not understood by tons and tons of religious people, my parents included. I just saw on my facebook feed someone decrying Oprah Winfrey for suggesting you can be both a Christian and a "practicing" homosexual. Many of these parents will think you are equally condemned (if not more so if that's possible) for being gay as you are for living with someone. I think both demands are equally ridiculous if they are holding their love and support for you over your head based on whether you comply.

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northwood
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby northwood » Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:14 pm

i dont think you want to the be person who is responsible for your girlfriend to stand up to her parents. You may be resented by her when it goes bad, and it will always be a sore subject between you.

To put it in perspective: Its always fun to be the boyfriend of a girl who smokes pot( assuming of course you smoke). However, if you are the boyfriend who introduces her to pot- then the relationship will be always about getting high. She will see you not as a boyfriend who happends to enjoy a hobby that she indulges in, but as a source for pot. I can see this scenario as playing out similrar to this- except you dont get the munchies or high.

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Jack Smirks
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby Jack Smirks » Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:15 pm

Look, I'm worried more about him obeying God than just his girlfiriend's Dad. It's Op's obedience to GOD that is most important. If you love Jesus, you will want to obey him. Because Jesus came as a man, he understands how tempting it can be to disobey but he promises he will pray for you and provide a way to escape the temptation. Not only will he do all this, but he will also reward you for your obedience.

You need to obey God and not move in with this girl. Have you had sex with her yet? I hope you haven't because if you have that's a whole new set of issues we will have to deal with. And don't listen to the sinners on this board who will tell you differently, their paths are not righteous and their lives/relationships are not pure. I pray for you the courage to follow him. May God use you and your journey to marriage to guard your future family from sin and homosexuality.

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northwood
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby northwood » Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:16 pm

naterj wrote:Look, I'm worried more about him obeying God than just his girlfiriend's Dad. It's Op's obedience to GOD that is most important. If you love Jesus, you will want to obey him. Because Jesus came as a man, he understands how tempting it can be to disobey but he promises he will pray for you and provide a way to escape the temptation. Not only will he do all this, but he will also reward you for your obedience.

You need to obey God and not move in with this girl. Have you had sex with her yet? I hope you haven't because if you have that's a whole new set of issues we will have to deal with. And don't listen to the sinners on this board who will tell you differently, their paths are not righteous and their lives/relationships are not pure. I pray for you the courage to follow him. May God use you and your journey to marriage to guard your future family from sin and homosexuality.


with your tar- this is very ironic of you to type, dont you think??

dakatz
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby dakatz » Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:17 pm

naterj wrote:Look, I'm worried more about him obeying God than just his girlfiriend's Dad. It's Op's obedience to GOD that is most important. If you love Jesus, you will want to obey him. Because Jesus came as a man, he understands how tempting it can be to disobey but he promises he will pray for you and provide a way to escape the temptation. Not only will he do all this, but he will also reward you for your obedience.

You need to obey God and not move in with this girl. Have you had sex with her yet? I hope you haven't because if you have that's a whole new set of issues we will have to deal with. And don't listen to the sinners on this board who will tell you differently, their paths are not righteous and their lives/relationships are not pure. I pray for you the courage to follow him. May God use you and your journey to marriage to guard your future family from sin and homosexuality.


This coming from the guy who has an avatar of two guys kissing

Edit: Someone beat me to it

delusional
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby delusional » Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:18 pm

paratactical wrote:In today's financial economy and with the difficulties that young people are facing, it is absolutely backasswards and fucking retarded to suggest that a young, responsible couple not live together because of some antiquated notion of polite, correct living. Her parents should applaud her for having goals, a career and a serious relationship instead of suggesting such ergreious things as a "secret wedding".

First of all, assuming, like I have been, that we're talking about a stable family, I imagine the parents know more about the "financial economy" and its effect on their child than some pissant 22 year old who's been living on their dime up until last week, and is now certain that they have found a wonderful relationship with a SO who completes them.
Secondly, I am not saying the decision should be based on any notions of polite living. I am saying that regardless of the flaws in her parents' logic, they should show some respect.

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Jack Smirks
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby Jack Smirks » Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:18 pm

Fuck I forgot about that.

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redsoxfan2495
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby redsoxfan2495 » Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:19 pm

paratactical wrote:Dude, I was at truck day. I hugged Tom Warner.
This confused the hell out of me until I figured out that you meant Tom Werner. I spent a couple minutes trying to figure out why you would tell me you hugged a former Florida congressman.

bartleby
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby bartleby » Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:21 pm

naterj wrote:Look, I'm worried more about him obeying God than just his girlfiriend's Dad. It's Op's obedience to GOD that is most important. If you love Jesus, you will want to obey him. Because Jesus came as a man, he understands how tempting it can be to disobey but he promises he will pray for you and provide a way to escape the temptation. Not only will he do all this, but he will also reward you for your obedience.

You need to obey God and not move in with this girl. Have you had sex with her yet? I hope you haven't because if you have that's a whole new set of issues we will have to deal with. And don't listen to the sinners on this board who will tell you differently, their paths are not righteous and their lives/relationships are not pure. I pray for you the courage to follow him. May God use you and your journey to marriage to guard your future family from sin and homosexuality.


Don't hate. I'm not religious, but I'm not going to convince someone who is that their beliefs are ridiculous and sooooo 1990's :roll: .

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Magnolia
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby Magnolia » Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:22 pm

northwood wrote:i dont think you want to the be person who is responsible for your girlfriend to stand up to her parents. You may be resented by her when it goes bad, and it will always be a sore subject between you.

To put it in perspective: Its always fun to be the boyfriend of a girl who smokes pot( assuming of course you smoke). However, if you are the boyfriend who introduces her to pot- then the relationship will be always about getting high. She will see you not as a boyfriend who happends to enjoy a hobby that she indulges in, but as a source for pot. I can see this scenario as playing out similrar to this- except you dont get the munchies or high.

This depends on the girl. I distanced myself from my parents at the encouragement of my then-SO, and it was one of the best things I ever did. I never harbored any resentment. In fact, in the times when it was the hardest, I was grateful to have someone there to remind me of why I was doing it and what I was gaining. I probably wouldn't have been able to go through with it on my own.

OTOH, there are girls will who be angry and resentful forever. I hope OP knows which kind of girl he's dating.

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drmguy
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby drmguy » Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:23 pm

bartleby wrote:
naterj wrote:Look, I'm worried more about him obeying God than just his girlfiriend's Dad. It's Op's obedience to GOD that is most important. If you love Jesus, you will want to obey him. Because Jesus came as a man, he understands how tempting it can be to disobey but he promises he will pray for you and provide a way to escape the temptation. Not only will he do all this, but he will also reward you for your obedience.

You need to obey God and not move in with this girl. Have you had sex with her yet? I hope you haven't because if you have that's a whole new set of issues we will have to deal with. And don't listen to the sinners on this board who will tell you differently, their paths are not righteous and their lives/relationships are not pure. I pray for you the courage to follow him. May God use you and your journey to marriage to guard your future family from sin and homosexuality.


Don't hate. I'm not religious, but I'm not going to convince someone who is that their beliefs are ridiculous and sooooo 1990's :roll: .


I am not religious.

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paratactical
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby paratactical » Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:23 pm

redsoxfan2495 wrote:
paratactical wrote:Dude, I was at truck day. I hugged Tom Warner.
This confused the hell out of me until I figured out that you meant Tom Werner. I spent a couple minutes trying to figure out why you would tell me you hugged a former Florida congressman.

FUUU. Spelled bad.

delusional wrote:Secondly, I am not saying the decision should be based on any notions of polite living. I am saying that regardless of the flaws in her parents' logic, they should show some respect.


So she should respectfully tell her parents to fuck off or OP should ditch the girl.

naterj wrote:Fuck I forgot about that.


Sorry, dude. You were doing pretty well there.

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northwood
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby northwood » Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:25 pm

Magnolia wrote:
northwood wrote:i dont think you want to the be person who is responsible for your girlfriend to stand up to her parents. You may be resented by her when it goes bad, and it will always be a sore subject between you.

To put it in perspective: Its always fun to be the boyfriend of a girl who smokes pot( assuming of course you smoke). However, if you are the boyfriend who introduces her to pot- then the relationship will be always about getting high. She will see you not as a boyfriend who happends to enjoy a hobby that she indulges in, but as a source for pot. I can see this scenario as playing out similrar to this- except you dont get the munchies or high.

This depends on the girl. I distanced myself from my parents at the encouragement of my then-SO, and it was one of the best things I ever did. I never harbored any resentment. In fact, in the times when it was the hardest, I was grateful to have someone there to remind me of why I was doing it and what I was gaining. I probably wouldn't have been able to go through with it on my own.

OTOH, there are girls will who be angry and resentful forever. I hope OP knows which kind of girl he's dating.


That is the deciding factor. Hopefully OP knows ( or has a good idea)

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Kohinoor
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby Kohinoor » Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:29 pm

northwood wrote:
Magnolia wrote:
northwood wrote:i dont think you want to the be person who is responsible for your girlfriend to stand up to her parents. You may be resented by her when it goes bad, and it will always be a sore subject between you.

To put it in perspective: Its always fun to be the boyfriend of a girl who smokes pot( assuming of course you smoke). However, if you are the boyfriend who introduces her to pot- then the relationship will be always about getting high. She will see you not as a boyfriend who happends to enjoy a hobby that she indulges in, but as a source for pot. I can see this scenario as playing out similrar to this- except you dont get the munchies or high.

This depends on the girl. I distanced myself from my parents at the encouragement of my then-SO, and it was one of the best things I ever did. I never harbored any resentment. In fact, in the times when it was the hardest, I was grateful to have someone there to remind me of why I was doing it and what I was gaining. I probably wouldn't have been able to go through with it on my own.

OTOH, there are girls will who be angry and resentful forever. I hope OP knows which kind of girl he's dating.


That is the deciding factor. Hopefully OP knows ( or has a good idea)

Not looking good considering that he's looking to a pre-law board for relationship advice.

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Stringer Bell
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby Stringer Bell » Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:30 pm

Echoing a couple of thoughts

First, she will probably expect to be engaged within two years of moving in with each other. If you haven't thought of this, you need to.

Also, this basically comes down to a cost benefit analysis of saving the 1k a month (or whatever the cost) for your girl to have her own place vs. making her father happy and her having a place to go in the event of a fight (not to be completely overlooked). I'd personally go with the former.

teleste
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby teleste » Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:32 pm

Oh my.
Last edited by teleste on Tue Aug 11, 2015 7:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Sinra
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby Sinra » Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:34 pm

teleste wrote:1. If you do plan on spending your life with this girl it is a bad idea to ever willfully be on bad terms with her family.

2. If you plan on spending your life with this girl...why not marry her? Start life...build it together, that'd be a very satisfying (albeit arduous and sometimes difficult) experience.

3. IN MY OPINION It is terribly disrespectful to your gf to have her move in without you two getting married first. (Yes, even if she is down with the idea.) You may love each other and be headed in that direction, but, without a marital commitment IT IS MY OPINION you are selfishly using each other for sex/whatever other benefits you get without the fortitude to live up to any real commitment to each other.

OK you hippies out there...here's your open invitation to go ahead and crucify me for my traditional views.


LOL at #3. I repeat: moving in together should be a requirement before marriage. Newsflash: other then legalities and tax status, marriage should ideally not change the relationship whatsoever once it's done.




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