Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

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paratactical
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby paratactical » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:46 am

esq wrote:I've got uber-crazy religious parents. At some point you just have to cut the cord and do whats best for you.

This.

I made the mistake of dating a guy with uber-crazy religious parents and he was afraid to cut the cord. I always had to pretend I lived somewhere else when they came to visit. His sister was engaged to her live in boyfriend at 28 and they still pretended they didn't live together. I seriously recommend telling her that she needs to tell them to shove it. And if she won't, you should seriously consider a new girlfriend.

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Jack Smirks
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby Jack Smirks » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:46 am

Your girlfriend's father is right and you should not go against his wishes or God's wishes.

Hebrews 13:4 “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”

Living together almost always involves premarital sex and by living together before marriage, you are dishonoring both yourself and your partner. God is a loving God, and he gives us his commands for our protection. God's command is to NOT live together before marriage and to NOT take part in sexual acts before marriage. Those who choose not to live together before marriage will likely avoid many of the negative outcomes that those who choose to live together and give in to impure thoughts and desires will encounter.

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ArthurDigbySellers
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby ArthurDigbySellers » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:46 am

delusional wrote: I am of the radical opinion that while it is not within your parents' rights to control what you do, it is still wrong for you to take no account of their opinions. Whether their judgement is right or wrong, frontwards or backwards, it would behoove you to show a little respect for them. Doing small things they don't approve of when they're not around is no big deal, but to adopt a living arrangement against their wishes is wrong, unless they were abusive or neglectful.


No. My idea of showing respect is keeping in contact with my parents and maintaining a good relationship. Every so often I get unsolicited advice from my parents. I don't always follow it, but I consider what my parents think important.

That said, to kowtow to your parents' wishes/keep an illusion of doing what they want is cowardly and betrays something far more serious- a lack of respect for yourself. My parents don't want me living in with my current girlfriend, but their rabid dislike for her is so off base and illogical I refuse to acknowledge it. And I refuse to lie about my lifestyle or put any effort into maintaining some sort of facade. My parents are very intelligent, and often give helpful advice, but they're not infallible. If your parents' religion/worldviews pressure you into making lifestyle choices against your own desires, and you're a fucking college graduate, grow the fuck up. Seriously. I don't want my parents to always see me as the obedient little son, I want them to see me as an independent man capable of my own life decisions, whether they like it or not. If you're older than say, 22 or so and your parents hold your lifestyle choices against you, they're the ones who are wrong. We're talking about adults here for fuck's sake, not tweens.
Last edited by ArthurDigbySellers on Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:48 am, edited 1 time in total.

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drmguy
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby drmguy » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:48 am

Sinra wrote:OP, would she be really upset if her parents cut her off? Not monetarily since that's obviously not the issue.

I'm of the school of thought that if you are making a sound choice (or not so sound sometimes) and it's a reason for your parents to disavow you/disown you...then let them.


She cares about what her father thinks but its not the #1 issue in her mind.

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paratactical
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby paratactical » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:50 am

delusional wrote:As someone who is much less religious than my parents, although still pretty religious, I am of the radical opinion that while it is not within your parents' rights to control what you do, it is still wrong for you to take no account of their opinions. Whether their judgement is right or wrong, frontwards or backwards, it would behoove you to show a little respect for them. Doing small things they don't approve of when they're not around is no big deal, but to adopt a living arrangement against their wishes is wrong, unless they were abusive or neglectful.

Given that your statements posess the quality described by your username, I would like to applaud this effort. 9/10. You will get several bites.

Danteshek
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby Danteshek » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:51 am

northwood wrote:
Danteshek wrote:Living together before marriage can kill the magic in a relationship. I would avoid it if possible.


why? its easier to end things before you sign that marriage contract

if its meant to be itll be... if its meant to fail itll fail


Because, once you are married, you are committed to making the relationship work, presumably.

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ArthurDigbySellers
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby ArthurDigbySellers » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:53 am

paratactical wrote:
delusional wrote:As someone who is much less religious than my parents, although still pretty religious, I am of the radical opinion that while it is not within your parents' rights to control what you do, it is still wrong for you to take no account of their opinions. Whether their judgement is right or wrong, frontwards or backwards, it would behoove you to show a little respect for them. Doing small things they don't approve of when they're not around is no big deal, but to adopt a living arrangement against their wishes is wrong, unless they were abusive or neglectful.

Given that your statements posess the quality described by your username, I would like to applaud this effort. 9/10. You will get several bites.


Dammit. Got trolled. The comment was so stupid it made me angry though, because it's something I've been fighting against.

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Sinra
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby Sinra » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:53 am

drmguy wrote:
Sinra wrote:OP, would she be really upset if her parents cut her off? Not monetarily since that's obviously not the issue.

I'm of the school of thought that if you are making a sound choice (or not so sound sometimes) and it's a reason for your parents to disavow you/disown you...then let them.


She cares about what her father thinks but its not the #1 issue in her mind.


Then she can calmly and clearly tell her father that she is moving in with her boyfriend, that this is her choice and she loves him and that's that. If they don't accept her decision, then too bad for them. When you are in a serious, adult relationship parents should have any say at all unless they're providing for you. You are her long-term partner (I assume) and as such, priorities shift. She needs to focus on her future with you and not on her past with them. She's not 16 anymore. She can support herself financially but she can't make her own decisions? Her parents need to get over it.

delusional
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby delusional » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:53 am

naterj wrote:Your girlfriend's father is right and you should not go against his wishes or God's wishes.

Hebrews 13:4 “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”

Living together almost always involves premarital sex and by living together before marriage, you are dishonoring both yourself and your partner. God is a loving God, and he gives us his commands for our protection. God's command is to NOT live together before marriage and to NOT take part in sexual acts before marriage. Those who choose not to live together before marriage will likely avoid many of the negative outcomes that those who choose to live together and give in to impure thoughts and desires will encounter.

Although my degree doesn't give much in the way of practical knowledge, I do know that in early versions of the Judeo-Christian religious code, an exclusive relationship could have been considered marriage.

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fltanglab
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby fltanglab » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:54 am

I am of the opinion that having a happy family is important for the future. If you truly see a future with her, try your best to please her parents. Ask them to sit down with both of you and discuss your choices at this point. Since debt is a worry, ask them how they would confront the issue. They will appreciate the involvement a lot.

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drmguy
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby drmguy » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:54 am

Magnolia wrote:
Sinra wrote:
Danteshek wrote:Living together before marriage can kill the magic in a relationship. I would avoid it if possible.


Moving in with someone should be a requirement before you ever think about getting married.

This. 1000x this.

Also, this is really a question of whether or not OP's girlfriend can handle the strain that their living together will likely put on her relationship with her parents. If she's ok with that, then everything's gravy. If not, there will be problems. How much everyone here thinks parental opinions should matter is irrelevant. It only matters whether OP's girlfriend think they should/do matter.


I just don't know what the extent of the damage would be.

I was thinking she should talk to him about the extent of what would happen but I can't help but think the claims made would not be accurate. Talk is cheap and I have heard too many people go through this situation and the parents threaten everything in the world and then all ends up being good.

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SMA22
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby SMA22 » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:54 am

Just make sure you've spelled everything out before moving in together; does she know you aren't going to pop the question in the next three years, and how is she prepared to handle the pressure her parents may put on her if you do move in together? You do not want to be six months into law school and having her pulling a bait and switch, saying she wants to get married or else!

I've had friends do this with BFs, BTW; it's a lot easier if you can say, "We talked about this, remember?"

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paratactical
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby paratactical » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:54 am

ArthurDigbySellers wrote:
paratactical wrote:
delusional wrote:As someone who is much less religious than my parents, although still pretty religious, I am of the radical opinion that while it is not within your parents' rights to control what you do, it is still wrong for you to take no account of their opinions. Whether their judgement is right or wrong, frontwards or backwards, it would behoove you to show a little respect for them. Doing small things they don't approve of when they're not around is no big deal, but to adopt a living arrangement against their wishes is wrong, unless they were abusive or neglectful.

Given that your statements posess the quality described by your username, I would like to applaud this effort. 9/10. You will get several bites.


Dammit. Got trolled. The comment was so stupid it made me angry though, because it's something I've been fighting against.

I had to stop and rethink. I was about to also be pissed off and then I saw the username.

EDIT: Also notice the continue your/you're mistakes. That's some tasty bait right there.
Last edited by paratactical on Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:56 am, edited 1 time in total.

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paratactical
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby paratactical » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:55 am

OP - How old are you and the GF and have you guys had serious relationships with other peoeple before? Ever live with another GF?

delusional
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby delusional » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:55 am

ArthurDigbySellers wrote:
delusional wrote: I am of the radical opinion that while it is not within your parents' rights to control what you do, it is still wrong for you to take no account of their opinions. Whether their judgement is right or wrong, frontwards or backwards, it would behoove you to show a little respect for them. Doing small things they don't approve of when they're not around is no big deal, but to adopt a living arrangement against their wishes is wrong, unless they were abusive or neglectful.


No. My idea of showing respect is keeping in contact with my parents and maintaining a good relationship.

The two definitions are not mutually exclusive. Respecting your parents' wishes is a value on its own, no matter how wrong they are. It doesn't mean you're being hypocritical, it means you're taking other factors into account.
Last edited by delusional on Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:59 am, edited 1 time in total.

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redsoxfan2495
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby redsoxfan2495 » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:56 am

paratactical wrote:
delusional wrote:As someone who is much less religious than my parents, although still pretty religious, I am of the radical opinion that while it is not within your parents' rights to control what you do, it is still wrong for you to take no account of their opinions. Whether their judgement is right or wrong, frontwards or backwards, it would behoove you to show a little respect for them. Doing small things they don't approve of when they're not around is no big deal, but to adopt a living arrangement against their wishes is wrong, unless they were abusive or neglectful.

Given that your statements posess the quality described by your username, I would like to applaud this effort. 9/10. You will get several bites.
Does this response qualify as parataxis?

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Wholigan
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby Wholigan » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:56 am

naterj wrote:Your girlfriend's father is right and you should not go against his wishes or God's wishes.

Hebrews 13:4 “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”


naterj wrote:The word "fuck" is only used in the bible once, I can't remember the exact passage but I believe it was said by Jesus when he was fucked over by Judas.


Ohhhhh, now you remember chapter and verse? lol

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drmguy
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby drmguy » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:56 am

fltanglab wrote:I am of the opinion that having a happy family is important for the future. If you truly see a future with her, try your best to please her parents. Ask them to sit down with both of you and discuss your choices at this point. Since debt is a worry, ask them how they would confront the issue. They will appreciate the involvement a lot.


Answer to this was have a "secret wedding" and then later on have a large wedding.

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paratactical
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby paratactical » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:57 am

redsoxfan2495 wrote:
paratactical wrote:
delusional wrote:As someone who is much less religious than my parents, although still pretty religious, I am of the radical opinion that while it is not within your parents' rights to control what you do, it is still wrong for you to take no account of their opinions. Whether their judgement is right or wrong, frontwards or backwards, it would behoove you to show a little respect for them. Doing small things they don't approve of when they're not around is no big deal, but to adopt a living arrangement against their wishes is wrong, unless they were abusive or neglectful.

Given that your statements posess the quality described by your username, I would like to applaud this effort. 9/10. You will get several bites.
Does this response qualify as parataxis?

Oh, you. I like you.

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drmguy
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby drmguy » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:58 am

paratactical wrote:OP - How old are you and the GF and have you guys had serious relationships with other peoeple before? Ever live with another GF?


Both 22 and never lived with anyone before.

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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby delusional » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:59 am

ArthurDigbySellers wrote:
paratactical wrote:
delusional wrote:As someone who is much less religious than my parents, although still pretty religious, I am of the radical opinion that while it is not within your parents' rights to control what you do, it is still wrong for you to take no account of their opinions. Whether their judgement is right or wrong, frontwards or backwards, it would behoove you to show a little respect for them. Doing small things they don't approve of when they're not around is no big deal, but to adopt a living arrangement against their wishes is wrong, unless they were abusive or neglectful.

Given that your statements posess the quality described by your username, I would like to applaud this effort. 9/10. You will get several bites.


Dammit. Got trolled. The comment was so stupid it made me angry though, because it's something I've been fighting against.

Nope, not trolling. Obviously, every situation is different, but assuming that one's parents are loving, stable and supportive with this one idiosyncrasy, it would behoove you to indulge them. It's possible that this is my opinion because I'm a parent, or maybe because I'm religious, although, as I said, much less religious than my parents - which has been the source of a lot of tension.

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redsoxfan2495
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby redsoxfan2495 » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:59 am

paratactical wrote:
redsoxfan2495 wrote:
paratactical wrote:
delusional wrote:As someone who is much less religious than my parents, although still pretty religious, I am of the radical opinion that while it is not within your parents' rights to control what you do, it is still wrong for you to take no account of their opinions. Whether their judgement is right or wrong, frontwards or backwards, it would behoove you to show a little respect for them. Doing small things they don't approve of when they're not around is no big deal, but to adopt a living arrangement against their wishes is wrong, unless they were abusive or neglectful.

Given that your statements posess the quality described by your username, I would like to applaud this effort. 9/10. You will get several bites.
Does this response qualify as parataxis?

Oh, you. I like you.
I was tempted to write something like "Go Sox." to keep the chain going.

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Wholigan
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby Wholigan » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:59 am

delusional wrote:
ArthurDigbySellers wrote:
delusional wrote: I am of the radical opinion that while it is not within your parents' rights to control what you do, it is still wrong for you to take no account of their opinions. Whether their judgement is right or wrong, frontwards or backwards, it would behoove you to show a little respect for them. Doing small things they don't approve of when they're not around is no big deal, but to adopt a living arrangement against their wishes is wrong, unless they were abusive or neglectful.


No. My idea of showing respect is keeping in contact with my parents and maintaining a good relationship.

The two definitions are not mutually exclusive. Respecting your parents' wishes is a value on its own, no matter how wrong they are. It doesn't mean you're being hypocritical, it means your taking other factors into account.


I actually think this is not a troll. Or at least he got me to bite. So should you "not be gay" if that is what your parents wishes are and you want to take them into account?

delusional
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby delusional » Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:03 pm

Wholigan wrote:
delusional wrote:
ArthurDigbySellers wrote:
delusional wrote: I am of the radical opinion that while it is not within your parents' rights to control what you do, it is still wrong for you to take no account of their opinions. Whether their judgement is right or wrong, frontwards or backwards, it would behoove you to show a little respect for them. Doing small things they don't approve of when they're not around is no big deal, but to adopt a living arrangement against their wishes is wrong, unless they were abusive or neglectful.


No. My idea of showing respect is keeping in contact with my parents and maintaining a good relationship.

The two definitions are not mutually exclusive. Respecting your parents' wishes is a value on its own, no matter how wrong they are. It doesn't mean you're being hypocritical, it means your taking other factors into account.


I actually think this is not a troll. Or at least he got me to bite. So should you "not be gay" if that is what your parents wishes are and you want to take them into account?

Since it's more or less understood by intelligent people that one doesn't choose to be gay, it's a moot question. I don't have a black and white chart that says everything that's in and out, but the ridiculousness of the parents' demands is also a factor.

dakatz
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby dakatz » Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:03 pm

Wholigan wrote:
delusional wrote:
ArthurDigbySellers wrote:
delusional wrote: I am of the radical opinion that while it is not within your parents' rights to control what you do, it is still wrong for you to take no account of their opinions. Whether their judgement is right or wrong, frontwards or backwards, it would behoove you to show a little respect for them. Doing small things they don't approve of when they're not around is no big deal, but to adopt a living arrangement against their wishes is wrong, unless they were abusive or neglectful.


No. My idea of showing respect is keeping in contact with my parents and maintaining a good relationship.

The two definitions are not mutually exclusive. Respecting your parents' wishes is a value on its own, no matter how wrong they are. It doesn't mean you're being hypocritical, it means your taking other factors into account.


I actually think this is not a troll. Or at least he got me to bite. So should you "not be gay" if that is what your parents wishes are and you want to take them into account?


The guy is just saying that you should at least give a moment of thought to where your parents are coming from. And that would even apply to your hypothetical. I have a gay friend who came out of the closet to his judgmental parents. He could have been like "This is who I am. Deal with it". But instead, he took into account his parents' views and took the time to think about a way to explain his situation in a unique way. He took into account what would have made his father upset about him being gay (as silly as they seemed), and thought out responses to every one. Its not a matter of caving to their demands or their views. Its just a matter of taking their views into consideration in the way you deal with them.




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