Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend Forum

[paratactical]

FTFY

I never said that you had to live together before marriage. You need to learn to read.

Also, FWIW, there is nothing wrong with not wanting to live together before marriage or wanting to get married before you have sex or what have you, as long as that's what you and your partner decide.

The issue ITT is that the girl's parents won't let her and her partner make the decision and that's where the problem is. Posters telling them to get married and the chick's parents should STFU.

[Magnolia]

1. If you do plan on spending your life with this girl it is a bad idea to ever willfully be on bad terms with her family.

True, but sometimes you have no choice but to piss off stupid people with antiquated views.

+1. It's not like the parents only have antiquated views about this one issue. If they are religious and conservative, the conflict will come up again and again. Better to set the boundaries now.

[Stringer Bell]

True, but sometimes you have no choice but to piss off stupid people with antiquated views.

So anyone that thinks you should be married before living together is stupid? Thanks for clarifying that.

[bk1]

True, but sometimes you have no choice but to piss off stupid people with antiquated views.

So anyone that thinks you should be married before living together is stupid? Thanks for clarifying that.

Sometimes Often times the truth hurts.

I'm not saying it is wrong to get married prior to living together, but I am saying her parents (and people who think the same) are stupid for believing marriage should be a requirement prior to cohabitation.

[Wholigan]

1. If you do plan on spending your life with this girl it is a bad idea to ever willfully be on bad terms with her family.

True, but sometimes you have no choice but to piss off stupid people with antiquated views.

+1

From the sound of them, if he doesn't share the same religious views as they do, they will probably never fully approve of him anyway.

[westcoastcentric]

My mother is super religious and I moved in w/ my bf...now we're moving to law school together (he's working). Have to cut the apron strings sometime.

That said, we lied about it for 6 months and now my parents' relationship with him is simply godawful....so much so that we've considered breaking up over it.

Do what you want but be mature and up front about it.

[Nicholasnickynic]

Look, I'm worried more about him obeying God than just his girlfiriend's Dad. It's Op's obedience to GOD that is most important. If you love Jesus, you will want to obey him. Because Jesus came as a man, he understands how tempting it can be to disobey but he promises he will pray for you and provide a way to escape the temptation. Not only will he do all this, but he will also reward you for your obedience.

You need to obey God and not move in with this girl. Have you had sex with her yet? I hope you haven't because if you have that's a whole new set of issues we will have to deal with. And don't listen to the sinners on this board who will tell you differently, their paths are not righteous and their lives/relationships are not pure. I pray for you the courage to follow him. May God use you and your journey to marriage to guard your future family from sin and homosexuality.

God is Jesus (holy trinity).
Jesus fucked Mary mag (out of wedlock) on the reg.
God had extramarital sex on the reg.

The bible says not to have premarital sex.
The bible was not written by God or Jesus.
Neither God nor Jesus has ever said not to have premarital sex.

Go in peace,
Serve the lord,
And sex up whoever you want to sex up.

[ArthurDigbySellers]

In today's financial economy and with the difficulties that young people are facing, it is absolutely backasswards and fucking retarded to suggest that a young, responsible couple not live together because of some antiquated notion of polite, correct living. Her parents should applaud her for having goals, a career and a serious relationship instead of suggesting such ergreious things as a "secret wedding".

First of all, assuming, like I have been, that we're talking about a stable family, I imagine the parents know more about the "financial economy" and its effect on their child than some pissant 22 year old who's been living on their dime up until last week, and is now certain that they have found a wonderful relationship with a SO who completes them.
Secondly, I am not saying the decision should be based on any notions of polite living. I am saying that regardless of the flaws in her parents' logic, they should show some respect.

This isn't her parents meeting an SO and determining that they're a sketchy person or that they rub them the wrong way, I would understand. However, a knee-jerk reaction based on their religion? A request to fall in line with their religious beliefs that shouldn't be binding on you? Show some respect meaning live as your parents want you to, or "pretend" to. Gotcha.

OP--if your girlfriend means a lot to you, move in with her, but assist her in putting up a front for a little while. And then you can give the ultimatum. She doesn't have to decide between you and her parents unless the parents put her in that position. It's their archaic lifestyle expectations or you, not the actual people.

As far as showing respect, (which is tossed around a lot by people who want to sound authoritative or have outdated notions of all sorts of things) the concept does not entail kowtowing to lifestyle demands....when...let's see...EVER. Show yourself some respect.

Show your parents respect by thanking them for raising you and visiting on Thanksgiving, and keeping in contact. If you're 22 or older, your parents aren't showing you respect. *Advice* is one thing, but *demands* are crossing a line. If they're using the power of the purse to dictate your lifestyle (and they're not in this case), that's their prerogative, but that's borderline manipulative/abusive.

[piccolittle]

I have no dog in this fight (personally would prefer to live with someone before marriage), but I find it interesting that there are studies which say that, on average, people who live together before marriage tend to have a higher rate of divorce.

This is not causal at all though. The major explanation is that people who live together tend to see two roads ahead of them - breaking up and getting married - and more tend to choose the getting married route who shouldn't have, because it seems easier at the time than breaking up and moving all your stuff out.

That's your little factoid for the day

[Nicholasnickynic]

I have no dog in this fight (personally would prefer to live with someone before marriage), but I find it interesting that there are studies which say that, on average, people who live together before marriage tend to have a higher rate of divorce.

This is not causal at all though. The major explanation is that people who live together tend to see two roads ahead of them - breaking up and getting married - and more tend to choose the getting married route who shouldn't have, because it seems easier at the time than breaking up and moving all your stuff out.

That's your little factoid for the day

Can I have my little citation for the day?

[halostarbucks]

you are an adult, get with the program. If your parents are holding love and support over your head, that's called conditional love and that's BS (and probably against every tenet in your religion, if read with common sense). call their bluff, live your life and accept the consequences.
BTW, I am appalled at the level of support that people are offering in this thread. Religion is not an excuse to treat people like shit.

Actually religion, aka collective stupidity, is the most time honored reason to treat people like shit there is. My parents are Biblical Literalist Young Earth Creationist Hellfire and Brimstone Baptist Fundamentalist who made my life miserable. About a year and a half ago, I said "Fuck this Shit"-not to them directly lol- and I let them know in no uncertain terms that I would have no more of that crap and if they wanted a relationship with me they were going to have to accept me, as an atheist. It was a rocky road but right now we have a good relationship and they just treat me as their adult son and don't make a big deal about it with me.

I guess my point is, at at least some level, religious people don't fully subscribe to their superstitions, otherwise they wouldn't be able to function in the real world. Rather, they use it as a sort of Freudian infantile psychological crutch and a means of imposing their will on other people. Since they know on some level it's bullshit anyway, they will be able to accept your decisions as long as you A. Stand your ground and be firm in your convictions and B. Are successful in life. People don't argue with what works.

[albusdumbledore]

I have no dog in this fight (personally would prefer to live with someone before marriage), but I find it interesting that there are studies which say that, on average, people who live together before marriage tend to have a higher rate of divorce.

This is not causal at all though. The major explanation is that people who live together tend to see two roads ahead of them - breaking up and getting married - and more tend to choose the getting married route who shouldn't have, because it seems easier at the time than breaking up and moving all your stuff out.

That's your little factoid for the day

Can I have my little citation for the day?

You too bro. Did Dan Brown send you that Mary Magdalene/Jesus line directly?

[ArthurDigbySellers]

I have no dog in this fight (personally would prefer to live with someone before marriage), but I find it interesting that there are studies which say that, on average, people who live together before marriage tend to have a higher rate of divorce.

This is not causal at all though. The major explanation is that people who live together tend to see two roads ahead of them - breaking up and getting married - and more tend to choose the getting married route who shouldn't have, because it seems easier at the time than breaking up and moving all your stuff out.

That's your little factoid for the day

The variable might be religion. Maybe people who have the gall to move in with each other are less likely to be slaves to a religion and stay in a miserable relationship because God says so.

[Wholigan]

I have no dog in this fight (personally would prefer to live with someone before marriage), but I find it interesting that there are studies which say that, on average, people who live together before marriage tend to have a higher rate of divorce.

This is not causal at all though. The major explanation is that people who live together tend to see two roads ahead of them - breaking up and getting married - and more tend to choose the getting married route who shouldn't have, because it seems easier at the time than breaking up and moving all your stuff out.

That's your little factoid for the day

Also this:

I always wonder why people turn to TLS for romantic advice. Lawyers don't exactly have the best track record for successful relationships.

Neither do the religious.

+1, But often the do have the guise - though they are most often miserable together, frenemies "for eternity" (like my parents).

[esq]

That said, we lied about it for 6 months and now my parents' relationship with him is simply godawful....so much so that we've considered breaking up over it.

And, they'll get over that too. My wife's parents hated me for years when she (their very smart daughter) moved out with me (an assumed putz.) But a little superficial success (supporting their daughter's educational and professional goals so that she has been very successful, and getting into a decent law school myself) has changed everything. They think that I am some sort of prodigy and "Gods" gift to women now (this is far-far-far from the truth.)

[BackToTheOldHouse]

you are an adult, get with the program. If your parents are holding love and support over your head, that's called conditional love and that's BS (and probably against every tenet in your religion, if read with common sense). call their bluff, live your life and accept the consequences.
BTW, I am appalled at the level of support that people are offering in this thread. Religion is not an excuse to treat people like shit.

Actually religion, aka collective stupidity, is the most time honored reason to treat people like shit there is. My parents are Biblical Literalist Young Earth Creationist Hellfire and Brimstone Baptist Fundamentalist who made my life miserable. About a year and a half ago, I said "Fuck this Shit"-not to them directly lol- and I let them know in no uncertain terms that I would have no more of that crap and if they wanted a relationship with me they were going to have to accept me, as an atheist. It was a rocky road but right now we have a good relationship and they just treat me as their adult son and don't make a big deal about it with me.

I guess my point is, at at least some level, religious people don't fully subscribe to their superstitions, otherwise they wouldn't be able to function in the real world. Rather, they use it as a sort of Freudian infantile psychological crutch and a means of imposing their will on other people. Since they know on some level it's bullshit anyway, they will be able to accept your decisions as long as you A. Stand your ground and be firm in your convictions and B. Are successful in life. People don't argue with what works.

Yea, everyone's stupid except atheists.

The bolded above sounds like someone who's WINNING. Are you Charlie Sheen?

[ArthurDigbySellers]

1. If you do plan on spending your life with this girl it is a bad idea to ever willfully be on bad terms with her family.

2. If you plan on spending your life with this girl...why not marry her? Start life...build it together, that'd be a very satisfying (albeit arduous and sometimes difficult) experience.

3. IN MY OPINION It is terribly disrespectful to your gf to have her move in without you two getting married first. (Yes, even if she is down with the idea.) You may love each other and be headed in that direction, but, without a marital commitment IT IS MY OPINION you are selfishly using each other for sex/whatever other benefits you get without the fortitude to live up to any real commitment to each other.

OK you hippies out there...here's your open invitation to go ahead and crucify me for my traditional views.

As a corollary to your number 1, it is a nightmare to be in a relationship with someone who is at the beck and call of their parents. You are to some extent marrying someone's family when you marry them, but at the same time, you don't want a spouse who will always take mommy's side against yours like a little helpless child.

[ArthurDigbySellers]

you are an adult, get with the program. If your parents are holding love and support over your head, that's called conditional love and that's BS (and probably against every tenet in your religion, if read with common sense). call their bluff, live your life and accept the consequences.
BTW, I am appalled at the level of support that people are offering in this thread. Religion is not an excuse to treat people like shit.

Actually religion, aka collective stupidity, is the most time honored reason to treat people like shit there is. My parents are Biblical Literalist Young Earth Creationist Hellfire and Brimstone Baptist Fundamentalist who made my life miserable. About a year and a half ago, I said "Fuck this Shit"-not to them directly lol- and I let them know in no uncertain terms that I would have no more of that crap and if they wanted a relationship with me they were going to have to accept me, as an atheist. It was a rocky road but right now we have a good relationship and they just treat me as their adult son and don't make a big deal about it with me.

I guess my point is, at at least some level, religious people don't fully subscribe to their superstitions, otherwise they wouldn't be able to function in the real world. Rather, they use it as a sort of Freudian infantile psychological crutch and a means of imposing their will on other people. Since they know on some level it's bullshit anyway, they will be able to accept your decisions as long as you A. Stand your ground and be firm in your convictions and B. Are successful in life. People don't argue with what works.

Yea, everyone's stupid except atheists.

The bolded above sounds like someone who's WINNING. Are you Charlie Sheen?

I'm an atheist but I would never condescend to any but the absolute most infantile of beliefs, like the idea of Jesus riding a dinosaur. I have plenty of Christian friends who are otherwise intelligent. It puzzles me sometimes, but I've long since lost interest in the philosophy of religion. More of an apatheist now than an atheist. I just don't care.

[Stringer Bell]

Sometimes Often times the truth hurts.

I'm not saying it is wrong to get married prior to living together, but I am saying her parents (and people who think the same) are stupid for believing marriage should be a requirement prior to cohabitation.

My fiancee's grandfather is a brilliant engineer who feels that way. I thought he was a smart guy who I just happened to disagree with, but thanks for clarifying that he is indeed a stupid person.

[BackToTheOldHouse]

Sometimes Often times the truth hurts.

I'm not saying it is wrong to get married prior to living together, but I am saying her parents (and people who think the same) are stupid for believing marriage should be a requirement prior to cohabitation.

My fiancee's grandfather is a brilliant engineer who feels that way. I thought he was a smart guy who I just happened to disagree with, but thanks for clarifying that he is indeed a stupid person.

Yea, I wish stupid old people would just shut up and listen to the smart progressives in our society.

[ArthurDigbySellers]

1. If you do plan on spending your life with this girl it is a bad idea to ever willfully be on bad terms with her family.

2. If you plan on spending your life with this girl...why not marry her? Start life...build it together, that'd be a very satisfying (albeit arduous and sometimes difficult) experience.

3. IN MY OPINION It is terribly disrespectful to your gf to have her move in without you two getting married first. (Yes, even if she is down with the idea.) You may love each other and be headed in that direction, but, without a marital commitment IT IS MY OPINION you are selfishly using each other for sex/whatever other benefits you get without the fortitude to live up to any real commitment to each other.

OK you hippies out there...here's your open invitation to go ahead and crucify me for my traditional views.

Not gonna crucify you-live your life as you see fit. I think it's unfair and narrowminded to tell someone, even as a suggestion that moving in/sex before marriage is a negative. That's something you tell 15 year olds so they don't knock each other up, but as an adult I find that extraordinarily condescending.

[ArthurDigbySellers]

1. If you do plan on spending your life with this girl it is a bad idea to ever willfully be on bad terms with her family.

2. If you plan on spending your life with this girl...why not marry her? Start life...build it together, that'd be a very satisfying (albeit arduous and sometimes difficult) experience.

3. IN MY OPINION It is terribly disrespectful to your gf to have her move in without you two getting married first. (Yes, even if she is down with the idea.) You may love each other and be headed in that direction, but, without a marital commitment IT IS MY OPINION you are selfishly using each other for sex/whatever other benefits you get without the fortitude to live up to any real commitment to each other.

OK you hippies out there...here's your open invitation to go ahead and crucify me for my traditional views.

1. I'm no fucking hippie.

2. YOUR OPINIONS are fucking whack.

Awesome rebuttal. I'd love to face off with you in court one day.

Like you didn't ask for it

[ArthurDigbySellers]

Awesome rebuttal. I'd love to face off with you in court one day.

So how long have you been happily married?

Lol right? Even more condescending than someone asking me to follow the tenets of their religion, is someone talking down to me from something they have no experience in.

[bk1]

My fiancee's grandfather is a brilliant engineer who feels that way. I thought he was a smart guy who I just happened to disagree with, but thanks for clarifying that he is indeed a stupid person.

People can be both stupid and smart. Simply put he has a stupid view (he probably has more), but he is also very smart. I see nothing wrong with calling someone an idiot for harboring a stupid view. I'm not saying he's a shitty engineer and nobody in their right mind would infer that.

I also happen to disagree with racists while simultaneously thinking their viewpoint is stupid. The two are not mutually exclusive. In fact, the former pretty much always comes with the latter.

[ArthurDigbySellers]

My fiancee's grandfather is a brilliant engineer who feels that way. I thought he was a smart guy who I just happened to disagree with, but thanks for clarifying that he is indeed a stupid person.

People can be both stupid and smart. Simply put he has a stupid view (he probably has more), but he is also very smart. I see nothing wrong with calling someone an idiot for harboring a stupid view. I'm not saying he's a shitty engineer and nobody in their right mind would infer that.

I also happen to disagree with racists while simultaneously thinking their viewpoint is stupid. The two are not mutually exclusive. In fact, the former pretty much always comes with the latter.

+1