Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

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drmguy
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Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby drmguy » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:13 am

Has anyone dealt with ultra-religious parents?

My girlfriend and I will both be going back east for work and law school. We realize the huge cost savings of living together and the enormous impact avoiding debt could have on our lives. The problem is that her father does not approve of it because we are not married and do not want to get married at the moment. Even if we were engaged he would not support the idea. She doesn't want to be looked down upon by her religious family.

If you have dealt with this please chime in and even if not feel free to give your opinions.



I forgot to add an example. She asked her father if he had a gay grandchild what would he do. He responded that he would "love" him or her but always tell him or her that he was disappointed in their "decision."

dakatz
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby dakatz » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:17 am

Depends on if the parents are contributing $$ to her. If they are paying for even part of her education or housing, then I would think it would be pretty screwed up to go against their wishes. But if you guys are completely independent, handle all your costs on your own, and are mature adults mentally and financially, then I wouldn't let a passing moral judgment stand in my way.

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drmguy
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby drmguy » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:20 am

I am the one doing law school and she is working. She will be receiving nothing.

minuit
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby minuit » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:21 am

my roommates are in a relationship, and her parents are super christian. she actually lied about moving in with him, and didn't have the strength to tell them until a few months after living together. she was absolutely terrified of it, and imagined them disowning her, cutting her off, calling her bad names, etc. i was sitting next to her during both conversations (yes, they are divorced - always love that irony), and to our surprise, it went much better than ever imagined. her parents told her they were disappointed and were simply afraid she would regret it, but that she is an adult and respect her decision. my point is that your gf is not going to get the approval beforehand, but if you make the jump, it will probably not be that bad. good luck!

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redsoxfan2495
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby redsoxfan2495 » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:21 am

It really depends on whether or not you guys are dependent on them in any way. If they're paying for anything you might not want to piss them off. Otherwise, who cares what that bigot thinks?

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ArthurDigbySellers
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby ArthurDigbySellers » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:21 am

dakatz wrote:Depends on if the parents are contributing $$ to her. If they are paying for even part of her education or housing, then I would think it would be pretty screwed up to go against their wishes. But if you guys are completely independent, handle all your costs on your own, and are mature adults mentally and financially, then I wouldn't let a passing moral judgment stand in my way.


I partially disagree. Some controlling parents use the power of the pocket to influence their kids. I think they have the right to insist that she visit and keep and touch, as well as work hard in school. But to try to influence her personal relationships is crossing a line, even if they are giving her money. I don't think taking money from them is "unethical" so much as it is a risk that you will lose you, erm, funding. I see it as no different than a young atheist who doesn't come out to his religious parents because he is still financially insolvent on his own

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ArthurDigbySellers
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby ArthurDigbySellers » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:22 am

drmguy wrote:I am the one doing law school and she is working. She will be receiving nothing.


In that case, her parents have no right to control their daughter's life. You're both adults, do what you want, don't let it keep you up at night

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redsoxfan2495
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby redsoxfan2495 » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:22 am

ArthurDigbySellers wrote:
drmguy wrote:I am the one doing law school and she is working. She will be receiving nothing.


In that case, her parents have no right to control their daughter's life. You're both adults, do what you want, don't let it keep you up at night
+1

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esq
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby esq » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:23 am

I've got uber-crazy religious parents. At some point you just have to cut the cord and do whats best for you. It's unhealthy to let those types of people influence your decisions, because the reality is that if you let them, you end up making decisions that will affect you poorly in the long run. You've just got to convince her to cut that cord and run. It's the only way for you two, as adults, to draw that line. Their over zealousness will continue to affect you for the rests of your lives if not.

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Wholigan
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby Wholigan » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:29 am

Agree with the financial support to some extent. Most ultra religious people are going to be extremely inflexible, so you have to understand that. Even if her parents are not financially supporting her, just make sure you and she understand the consequences on the relationship with the parents if you go ahead and decide to go against their wishes.

I was raised in an ultra-religious family, and my parents ultimately completely cut me off for not choosing to live my life by their morals. They have refused to have any contact with me for years. I don't regret my choices, just regret that they are so judgmental. I doubt your gf's parents are so fanatical, since you said they would "still love" a gay grandchild - mine would have disowned me just the same if I had turned out to be gay but did everything else "right". But I'm just saying, know what you're getting into so you're prepared. She may have been afraid to ask them what they would do if she moved in with someone before marriage, but you should try to find out if you can.

delusional
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby delusional » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:29 am

ArthurDigbySellers wrote:
drmguy wrote:I am the one doing law school and she is working. She will be receiving nothing.


In that case, her parents have no right to control their daughter's life. You're both adults, do what you want, don't let it keep you up at night

As someone who is much less religious than my parents, although still pretty religious, I am of the radical opinion that while it is not within your parents' rights to control what you do, it is still wrong for you to take no account of their opinions. Whether their judgement is right or wrong, frontwards or backwards, it would behoove you to show a little respect for them. Doing small things they don't approve of when they're not around is no big deal, but to adopt a living arrangement against their wishes is wrong, unless they were abusive or neglectful.

dakatz
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby dakatz » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:30 am

If she is working and fully independent, and it is her parents who are the ones objecting, then you have no problem. It is her who should talk it over with her parents, though she is obviously an independent adult. I think most parents are more scared than anything else when the "status quo" changes so suddenly with regard to their children. I doubt it isn't something he won't get over quickly when he sees that nothing earth-shattering occured as a result (which means don't get her pregnant yet, big guy) :)

Danteshek
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby Danteshek » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:32 am

Living together before marriage can kill the magic in a relationship. I would avoid it if possible.

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Wholigan
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby Wholigan » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:33 am

delusional wrote:
ArthurDigbySellers wrote:
drmguy wrote:I am the one doing law school and she is working. She will be receiving nothing.


In that case, her parents have no right to control their daughter's life. You're both adults, do what you want, don't let it keep you up at night

As someone who is much less religious than my parents, although still pretty religious, I am of the radical opinion that while it is not within your parents' rights to control what you do, it is still wrong for you to take no account of their opinions. Whether their judgement is right or wrong, frontwards or backwards, it would behoove you to show a little respect for them. Doing small things they don't approve of when they're not around is no big deal, but to adopt a living arrangement against their wishes is wrong, unless they were abusive or neglectful.


Come on dude. When you're in your 20's, you can't live with someone because your parents disagree? What if she chooses not to get married for a while? She has to go by this when she is in her 30's too? 40's? Not taking account of their opinions is different than letting them control the most important choices in your life well into adulthood.
Last edited by Wholigan on Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:34 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Sinra
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby Sinra » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:34 am

Danteshek wrote:Living together before marriage can kill the magic in a relationship. I would avoid it if possible.


Moving in with someone should be a requirement before you ever think about getting married.

dakatz
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby dakatz » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:34 am

I'm very much of the "try before you buy" mentality. Marriage seems like quite the commitment, so idk if I would want to take that plunge without knowing if I could stand the day-to-day routine of living with the person. Would you have chosen your law school without visiting and doing your research first? Yes, I always find ways to make analogies that make a mockery out of important ideas and institutions.

Danteshek
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby Danteshek » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:37 am

Disagree. I am assuming you have already "tried" her.

dakatz
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby dakatz » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:38 am

Danteshek wrote:Disagree. I am assuming you have already "tried" her.


Lol, you know thats not what I meant

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oscodasa
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby oscodasa » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:38 am

I have very conservative southern parents and am dealing with the same issue for law school this fall. I told them about a year ago to give it plenty of time to sink in (my boyfriend and I are still living separately but planning to move in together for law school). They weren't happy with it, but as I'm the "liberal" child in the family they weren't shocked either. They made it clear that they didn't support the idea and wished we would get married before living together, even though I made it clear that I simply wasn't comfortable marrying someone I'd never lived with. A year later, they've had so much time for it to sink in that they don't care at all. You also might want to think about getting 2 bedrooms, if possible, to "maintain appearances" and leave open the possibility in their minds that you two live like roommates and not like heathens (heaven forbid!)

I will say, however, that my parents also have grandchildren to occupy their attention and have begun to care less and less about my life choices as a result. If you have these or can get them in your family, it's a great asset.

Good luck!

delusional
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby delusional » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:39 am

Wholigan wrote:
delusional wrote:
ArthurDigbySellers wrote:
drmguy wrote:I am the one doing law school and she is working. She will be receiving nothing.


In that case, her parents have no right to control their daughter's life. You're both adults, do what you want, don't let it keep you up at night

As someone who is much less religious than my parents, although still pretty religious, I am of the radical opinion that while it is not within your parents' rights to control what you do, it is still wrong for you to take no account of their opinions. Whether their judgement is right or wrong, frontwards or backwards, it would behoove you to show a little respect for them. Doing small things they don't approve of when they're not around is no big deal, but to adopt a living arrangement against their wishes is wrong, unless they were abusive or neglectful.


Come on dude. When you're in your 20's, you can't live with someone because your parents disagree? What if she chooses not to get married for a while? She has to go by this when she is in her 30's too? 40's? Not taking account of their opinions is different than letting them control the most important choices in your life well into adulthood.

Okay, you're right. There's probably a sliding scale of correlating how much you can act against their wishes and how old you are. I guess my point would apply to someone around 25-ish, but if he was 32, I'd say it's no big deal.

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Kohinoor
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby Kohinoor » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:40 am

Danteshek wrote:Living together before marriage can kill the magic in a relationship. I would avoid it if possible.

tcr. Better to wait until you're married and have the magic die then.

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northwood
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby northwood » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:41 am

Danteshek wrote:Living together before marriage can kill the magic in a relationship. I would avoid it if possible.


why? its easier to end things before you sign that marriage contract

if its meant to be itll be... if its meant to fail itll fail

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Magnolia
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby Magnolia » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:42 am

Sinra wrote:
Danteshek wrote:Living together before marriage can kill the magic in a relationship. I would avoid it if possible.


Moving in with someone should be a requirement before you ever think about getting married.

This. 1000x this.

Also, this is really a question of whether or not OP's girlfriend can handle the strain that their living together will likely put on her relationship with her parents. If she's ok with that, then everything's gravy. If not, there will be problems. How much everyone here thinks parental opinions should matter is irrelevant. It only matters whether OP's girlfriend think they should/do matter.

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Sinra
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby Sinra » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:44 am

OP, would she be really upset if her parents cut her off? Not monetarily since that's obviously not the issue.

I'm of the school of thought that if you are making a sound choice (or not so sound sometimes) and it's a reason for your parents to disavow you/disown you...then let them.

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kwais
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Re: Religion and Moving in with Girlfriend

Postby kwais » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:44 am

you are an adult, get with the program. If your parents are holding love and support over your head, that's called conditional love and that's BS (and probably against every tenet in your religion, if read with common sense). call their bluff, live your life and accept the consequences.
BTW, I am appalled at the level of support that people are offering in this thread. Religion is not an excuse to treat people like shit.




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