Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

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calpolisci2016
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby calpolisci2016 » Tue May 23, 2017 1:38 pm

Dude it's your life. I presume you're in your twenties. You're only young once and this is the time for you to branch out, develop as an individual, find your niche and interests. Living at home and having an overbearing dad might not be conducive to that.

Living with dad sounds awesome because it's way cheaper, but I also urge you to consider the benefits of being alone and having the social life you want.

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emkay625
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby emkay625 » Tue May 23, 2017 1:45 pm

I'm going to argue against what everyone else is saying in this thread. You've hinted that your Dad is way worse than what you've let us know. As a result, I think you should move out. 1L is incredibly stressful. I can't imagine living with and caring for a family member that struggles with mental illness and physical disabilities during 1L, especially if I did not need to and especially if the family member did not need me—which seems to be the case from what you've asserted.

I think you need to get over your aversion to roommates. Find another incoming 1L in your school's Facebook group, suck it up, and live with them. To be honest, living with someone else who understands how stressful law school is and what you're going through can be incredibly beneficial.

It was never really talked about: but WHY do you refuse to have a roommate?

cavalier1138
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby cavalier1138 » Tue May 23, 2017 3:34 pm

lillawyer2 wrote:He is way worse, but I am uncomfortable talking about it-even though its anonymous. I listed just the minor stuff and wrote dysfunctional in the title. He has mental illness and physical illness.

To make it ok, I will have to spend as less time there as possible.


See, this is why it's important to be specific. Earlier posts made it sounds like you meant that your father was "dysfunctional" because he didn't treat you like an adult. There's a very wide gap between that and mental illness.

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it's allgood
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby it's allgood » Tue May 23, 2017 3:42 pm

bwaldorf wrote:This should not even be a question. Live with your dad. The money you'll save will be HUGE, and your reasons for not wanting to ("he treats me like a baby! I won't be able to have friends over!") make you sound like an immature and spoiled brat. As long as he isn't interfering with your ability to study and sleep, then I think that you need to suck it up and live with your father.

Be grateful you have a parent willing to allow you to live with him not only rent free but free of a grocery bill, utilities, etc. Honestly, as someone who doesn't have parents, be grateful you have parents at all, even if you think your dad "treats you like a baby".


You're going to make an excellent lawyer!

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rpupkin
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby rpupkin » Tue May 23, 2017 3:46 pm

Npret wrote:You won't have a roommate situation that you could possibly afford but you will live with your dysfunctional dad for free.

I don't follow that logic.

lolwat
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby lolwat » Tue May 23, 2017 3:56 pm

See, this is why it's important to be specific. Earlier posts made it sounds like you meant that your father was "dysfunctional" because he didn't treat you like an adult. There's a very wide gap between that and mental illness.


This is definitely true. There's a spectrum between "this shouldn't even be a question, stay the fuck at home" and "get the fuck out of there right now, even if you have to live in a cardboard box," and the specific facts change where on that spectrum you are.

Dude it's your life. I presume you're in your twenties. You're only young once and this is the time for you to branch out, develop as an individual, find your niche and interests. Living at home and having an overbearing dad might not be conducive to that.

Living with dad sounds awesome because it's way cheaper, but I also urge you to consider the benefits of being alone and having the social life you want.


Depending on the dad (again, specifics...) I might or might not agree with the ultimate advice of living alone during law school, but I would wholeheartedly disagree with the kind of YOLO thought that seems to underlie the advice.

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rpupkin
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby rpupkin » Tue May 23, 2017 4:00 pm

lolwat wrote:
Dude it's your life. I presume you're in your twenties. You're only young once and this is the time for you to branch out, develop as an individual, find your niche and interests. Living at home and having an overbearing dad might not be conducive to that.

Living with dad sounds awesome because it's way cheaper, but I also urge you to consider the benefits of being alone and having the social life you want.

Depending on the dad (again, specifics...) I might or might not agree with the ultimate advice of living alone during law school, but I would wholeheartedly disagree with the kind of YOLO thought that seems to underlie the advice.

Why?

mcmand
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby mcmand » Tue May 23, 2017 4:03 pm

lillawyer2 wrote:
bwaldorf wrote:This should not even be a question. Live with your dad. The money you'll save will be HUGE, and your reasons for not wanting to ("he treats me like a baby! I won't be able to have friends over!") make you sound like an immature and spoiled brat. As long as he isn't interfering with your ability to study and sleep, then I think that you need to suck it up and live with your father.

Be grateful you have a parent willing to allow you to live with him not only rent free but free of a grocery bill, utilities, etc. Honestly, as someone who doesn't have parents, be grateful you have parents at all, even if you think your dad "treats you like a baby".


He is way worse, but I am uncomfortable talking about it-even though its anonymous. I listed just the minor stuff and wrote dysfunctional in the title. He has mental illness and physical illness.

To make it ok, I will have to spend as less time there as possible.


There's a lot going on here and it's hard to pick out the threads. But here are a few suggestions.

1) I can't tell if this is a matter of your dad being unable to take care of himself, or some variant of stockholm syndrome on your part, or both. You have the right to your own life. Live it. Define the boundaries as you wish them to be. If that means permanently taking over his "man cave" and making it your space and disallowing his access to it, then do it. If he conditions living with him on more access than he is entitled to, move out. Don't negotiate or let him persuade you about the finances. Just do it, and find a cheap, albeit possibly more inconvenient, living situation. Everyone on here is terrified of debt, but if this living situation really is as uncomfortable as you say it is, then stop letting someone else control your life, debt be damned. I'd argue the future portent of the bank's harassing phone calls are less emotionally damaging than whatever you are alluding is happening to you.

2) In terms of financial feasibility, you need to get over your aversion to roommates, fast. If you think you have trouble with roommates, that's not going to get better with a future spouse or in a workplace you spend 12 hours a day in. Part of growing up is learning conflict resolution, which comes from having real conflict, such as with roommates. Get a roommate. Start being an adult.

3) Now would be a good time to get a therapist to begin sorting out the numerous issues you've flagged, before you develop new issues from being an anxious 1L on top of all of this. Nothing wrong with getting a therapist, fairly confident that some people on here have one and that most people on TLS desperately need one, myself included. Do it now.

lolwat
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby lolwat » Tue May 23, 2017 5:22 pm

rpupkin wrote:
lolwat wrote:
Dude it's your life. I presume you're in your twenties. You're only young once and this is the time for you to branch out, develop as an individual, find your niche and interests. Living at home and having an overbearing dad might not be conducive to that.

Living with dad sounds awesome because it's way cheaper, but I also urge you to consider the benefits of being alone and having the social life you want.

Depending on the dad (again, specifics...) I might or might not agree with the ultimate advice of living alone during law school, but I would wholeheartedly disagree with the kind of YOLO thought that seems to underlie the advice.

Why?


Because to me, it's the kind of thought process that gets people doing things they seriously regret later.

Weighing the pros and cons of living with dad versus living alone (finances, dealing with someone with mental/physical issues, social life), as the second paragraph of the post I quoted suggested -- that's one thing and certainly reasonable. That's in fact what everyone else has been saying, after all.

But if the advice is generally "You're in your twenties, you're young, get out of your parent's basement and LIVE A BIT!" which the first paragraph seemed to go down, that's a little too much of generic YOLO advice to me. There's plenty of time to carefully "branch out, develop as an individual, [and] find your niche and interests" outside of home living conditions (OP did say he/she'd only be spending 5 hours at home to sleep, the other 19 being in classes, extracurriculars/clubs, or studying), or even just a few years later in the mid-20s after law school (assuming k-jd; if not k-jd, then likely already did develop/find interests/etc. before heading to law school). No need to tack on shitloads of debt just to live a bit in your early twenties.

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rpupkin
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby rpupkin » Tue May 23, 2017 5:35 pm

lolwat wrote:
rpupkin wrote:
lolwat wrote:
Dude it's your life. I presume you're in your twenties. You're only young once and this is the time for you to branch out, develop as an individual, find your niche and interests. Living at home and having an overbearing dad might not be conducive to that.

Living with dad sounds awesome because it's way cheaper, but I also urge you to consider the benefits of being alone and having the social life you want.

Depending on the dad (again, specifics...) I might or might not agree with the ultimate advice of living alone during law school, but I would wholeheartedly disagree with the kind of YOLO thought that seems to underlie the advice.

Why?


Because to me, it's the kind of thought process that gets people doing things they seriously regret later.

Weighing the pros and cons of living with dad versus living alone (finances, dealing with someone with mental/physical issues, social life), as the second paragraph of the post I quoted suggested -- that's one thing and certainly reasonable. That's in fact what everyone else has been saying, after all.

But if the advice is generally "You're in your twenties, you're young, get out of your parent's basement and LIVE A BIT!" which the first paragraph seemed to go down, that's a little too much of generic YOLO advice to me. There's plenty of time to carefully "branch out, develop as an individual, [and] find your niche and interests" outside of home living conditions (OP did say he/she'd only be spending 5 hours at home to sleep, the other 19 being in classes, extracurriculars/clubs, or studying), or even just a few years later in the mid-20s after law school (assuming k-jd; if not k-jd, then likely already did develop/find interests/etc. before heading to law school). No need to tack on shitloads of debt just to live a bit in your early twenties.

The bolded is a big assumption. It's an assumption I didn't share in my 20s, and it's every bit as generic as the "YOLO" advice you attack.

I think OP should be mindful of debt. For that reason, I don't think the choice here is between "be unhappy living with my Dad" and "pay for fancy apartment living by myself." But there's a lot to be said for enjoying life in one's 20s. Older folks often regret their failure to do so as much as anything else in life. I think improved QOL and happiness in one's 20s is worth a few extra thousand a year.

lolwat
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby lolwat » Tue May 23, 2017 5:41 pm

rpupkin wrote:
lolwat wrote:
rpupkin wrote:
lolwat wrote:
Dude it's your life. I presume you're in your twenties. You're only young once and this is the time for you to branch out, develop as an individual, find your niche and interests. Living at home and having an overbearing dad might not be conducive to that.

Living with dad sounds awesome because it's way cheaper, but I also urge you to consider the benefits of being alone and having the social life you want.

Depending on the dad (again, specifics...) I might or might not agree with the ultimate advice of living alone during law school, but I would wholeheartedly disagree with the kind of YOLO thought that seems to underlie the advice.

Why?


Because to me, it's the kind of thought process that gets people doing things they seriously regret later.

Weighing the pros and cons of living with dad versus living alone (finances, dealing with someone with mental/physical issues, social life), as the second paragraph of the post I quoted suggested -- that's one thing and certainly reasonable. That's in fact what everyone else has been saying, after all.

But if the advice is generally "You're in your twenties, you're young, get out of your parent's basement and LIVE A BIT!" which the first paragraph seemed to go down, that's a little too much of generic YOLO advice to me. There's plenty of time to carefully "branch out, develop as an individual, [and] find your niche and interests" outside of home living conditions (OP did say he/she'd only be spending 5 hours at home to sleep, the other 19 being in classes, extracurriculars/clubs, or studying), or even just a few years later in the mid-20s after law school (assuming k-jd; if not k-jd, then likely already did develop/find interests/etc. before heading to law school). No need to tack on shitloads of debt just to live a bit in your early twenties.

The bolded is a big assumption. It's an assumption I didn't share in my 20s, and it's every bit as generic as the "YOLO" advice you attack.

I think OP should be mindful of debt. For that reason, I don't think the choice here is between "be unhappy living with my Dad" and "pay for fancy apartment living by myself." But there's a lot to be said for enjoying life in one's 20s. Older folks often regret their failure to do so as much as anything else in life. I think improved QOL and happiness in one's 20s is worth a few extra thousand a year.


Fair enough, but my advice would still be to be smart about it. Don't do it just for the glamour and mindset of something like "I'm a young adult, I'm going to go enjoy life" without at least carefully thinking about the ramifications of doing so (for example, roommates as many have discussed in this thread being one way to mitigate the financial downside of moving out). I don't think we're in that much of disagreement here.

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it's allgood
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby it's allgood » Tue May 23, 2017 7:02 pm

emkay625 wrote:I'm going to argue against what everyone else is saying in this thread. You've hinted that your Dad is way worse than what you've let us know. As a result, I think you should move out. 1L is incredibly stressful. I can't imagine living with and caring for a family member that struggles with mental illness and physical disabilities during 1L, especially if I did not need to and especially if the family member did not need me—which seems to be the case from what you've asserted.

I think you need to get over your aversion to roommates. Find another incoming 1L in your school's Facebook group, suck it up, and live with them. To be honest, living with someone else who understands how stressful law school is and what you're going through can be incredibly beneficial.

It was never really talked about: but WHY do you refuse to have a roommate?


I agree. It may wind up costing you far more living at home in a bad situation than the loans for living expenses that you will have to take out, in the long run.

lillawyer2
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby lillawyer2 » Wed May 24, 2017 10:18 am

Thanks you guys for your responses. They all helped and given me a lot to think about.

He can take care of himself. He is very manipulative and can be evil at times in his actions/behavior. I think its due to the fact that he is miserable and angry he is ill.

I will compromise and try living at home the first semester. If this does not turn out well then I have my answer. I tried to make it work. I will take on the debt.

I imagine since 1L is hectic. I will spend time studying and immersing myself in my law school experience that my home life will take a back seat. I will rarely see my dad or be in that house. When in UG, I worked/took 6 classes and just went to the apt to sleep/eat. I imagine LS is worse or at least the same.

My dad is happy I am going to LS. He may fall back on his terror and temper tantrums.

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BlendedUnicorn
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby BlendedUnicorn » Wed May 24, 2017 10:56 am

Get roommates weirdo

lillawyer2
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby lillawyer2 » Wed May 24, 2017 12:31 pm

BlendedUnicorn wrote:Get roommates weirdo


How many roommates would I need to make the debt worth wild? I figured I would need about 2-3. Even then I'd still rather try and make it work with my dad than complete strangers-the devil you know is better than the one you don't.

If it doesn't work with my dad, then I can try roommates. I would probably make friends by then/be familiar with classmates and take more comfortable risks.

Passing up free rent is hard. I'm sacraficing being comfortable and happiness, but hopefully I'll be too busy in law school to notice. I imagine i'll make good friends have fun and be too focused to care.

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BlendedUnicorn
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby BlendedUnicorn » Wed May 24, 2017 12:34 pm

Yeah, I didn't mean to suggest you should/shouldn't live with your dad- that's a decision only you can make. I meant that you shouldn't view this as a binary choice of living with your dad or living by yourself.

lolwat
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby lolwat » Wed May 24, 2017 12:59 pm

BlendedUnicorn wrote:Yeah, I didn't mean to suggest you should/shouldn't live with your dad- that's a decision only you can make. I meant that you shouldn't view this as a binary choice of living with your dad or living by yourself.


This is true, although some of the posts here make it seem like OP is somehow weird for not wanting to live with roommates. While it's certainly an option OP should look at, I don't see why it's so hard to understand.

mcmand
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby mcmand » Wed May 24, 2017 1:09 pm

lillawyer2 wrote:Thanks you guys for your responses. They all helped and given me a lot to think about.

He can take care of himself. He is very manipulative and can be evil at times in his actions/behavior. I think its due to the fact that he is miserable and angry he is ill.

I will compromise and try living at home the first semester. If this does not turn out well then I have my answer. I tried to make it work. I will take on the debt.

I imagine since 1L is hectic. I will spend time studying and immersing myself in my law school experience that my home life will take a back seat. I will rarely see my dad or be in that house. When in UG, I worked/took 6 classes and just went to the apt to sleep/eat. I imagine LS is worse or at least the same.

My dad is happy I am going to LS. He may fall back on his terror and temper tantrums.


I will eagerly tell you that you should move out now. This is not healthy and will not suddenly become better with time. People don't dramatically change. You're only bargaining with yourself, not your dad. Your psychological health is more important than debt.

lillawyer2
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby lillawyer2 » Wed May 24, 2017 1:17 pm

lolwat wrote:
BlendedUnicorn wrote:Yeah, I didn't mean to suggest you should/shouldn't live with your dad- that's a decision only you can make. I meant that you shouldn't view this as a binary choice of living with your dad or living by yourself.


This is true, although some of the posts here make it seem like OP is somehow weird for not wanting to live with roommates. While it's certainly an option OP should look at, I don't see why it's so hard to understand.


I did the roommate thing in college. I am over it to be honest. Living with people means living by shared rules. This isn't a bad thing, just not what I want. Remember this thread was an attempt to justify running away from what I hate to get something I want.

Living with my dad makes it hard for me to even give roommates thought.

I rather my own space. However, I am not at that point in my life. So, if my dad doesn't work out, I will have to get a roommate to offset the costs a bit.

lillawyer2
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby lillawyer2 » Wed May 24, 2017 1:18 pm

BlendedUnicorn wrote:Yeah, I didn't mean to suggest you should/shouldn't live with your dad- that's a decision only you can make. I meant that you shouldn't view this as a binary choice of living with your dad or living by yourself.


I understand. Thank you.

lillawyer2
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby lillawyer2 » Wed May 24, 2017 1:19 pm

mcmand wrote:
lillawyer2 wrote:Thanks you guys for your responses. They all helped and given me a lot to think about.

He can take care of himself. He is very manipulative and can be evil at times in his actions/behavior. I think its due to the fact that he is miserable and angry he is ill.

I will compromise and try living at home the first semester. If this does not turn out well then I have my answer. I tried to make it work. I will take on the debt.

I imagine since 1L is hectic. I will spend time studying and immersing myself in my law school experience that my home life will take a back seat. I will rarely see my dad or be in that house. When in UG, I worked/took 6 classes and just went to the apt to sleep/eat. I imagine LS is worse or at least the same.

My dad is happy I am going to LS. He may fall back on his terror and temper tantrums.


I will eagerly tell you that you should move out now. This is not healthy and will not suddenly become better with time. People don't dramatically change. You're only bargaining with yourself, not your dad. Your psychological health is more important than debt.


Your right. He will not change. I am barganing with myself or upping my tolerance, but I also aim to find happiness outside of the home. There is school, new friends, new activities and opportunities.

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stego
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby stego » Wed May 24, 2017 1:22 pm

lolwat wrote:
BlendedUnicorn wrote:Yeah, I didn't mean to suggest you should/shouldn't live with your dad- that's a decision only you can make. I meant that you shouldn't view this as a binary choice of living with your dad or living by yourself.


This is true, although some of the posts here make it seem like OP is somehow weird for not wanting to live with roommates. While it's certainly an option OP should look at, I don't see why it's so hard to understand.

Wanting to live alone instead of w/ roommates is not weird at all, but in NYC it's unrealistic for most people

Halltheway
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby Halltheway » Fri Jun 09, 2017 3:42 am

If it at all is going to affect your school work in any way shape or form, run. Fast. If you are serious about law school, especially if you are interested in BigLaw, move out. If you are only doing this because you want to have "fun," get over it. You're going to law school, not joining a sorority. I don't mean to sound harsh but it's the reality of life. You have to determine what your priorities are and go from there. The next 3 years of your life + 200k of debt should make succeeding in law school your number one priority.

HonestAdvice
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby HonestAdvice » Fri Jun 09, 2017 4:08 am

Toxicity runs both ways. If you can't live with your dad, you are likelier to have issues with roommates. It sounds like you did. The calculus isn't dad drama vs no drama. It's dad drama vs x percentage chance of roommate drama, which is worse because your roommates won't love you. That said, the real estate market prices out most methheads, no showerers and psychotics.

If you make it seem like 1l is really a ton of work, he'll probably leave you alone more. As bad as he is, you'll work with far more irritating people in practice. Get used to it.

If you want freedom, do really well in law school and don't do big law.




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