Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

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lillawyer2
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Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby lillawyer2 » Sun May 21, 2017 9:43 pm

Living on my own:

Pro:
My own space.
Peace of mind
Boosts my social life (study sessions/social gatherings)

Con:
NYC rent for a studio is $2500 on average. (I will not entertain the idea of living with roommates. lol)
I wont have a job-so I will be spending/running out of money quicker due to groceries/laundry...etc

Living with papa:

Pros:

Living Rent FREE
Law school is 20min away walking. 5-10 by bus.
My food is free lol
I'll be saving btw ($75-90k) in loans to pay when I graduate.

Cons:

My father is overbearing. He is over protective.
I feel like a guest at his house.
I have a room, but its his man cave. lol Its littered with his books, sports stuff etc...
Social nightmare. I can't have people over!!!





I try to justify staying at home, because Law School is miserable right? I will be studying the hours I am not in class. The hours I am not studying or in class, will probably be devoted to law school related clubs/curriculars. Then the 5-6 hours I have left are reserved for sleeping.

I never study at home. Even when I lived in my own apt in UG. I always studied at the library. It just put me in the zone. So I am not worried about how well I can study at home.

I only need a bed and a shower. I don't need to worry about luxury/fine comforts, right?!

I just want my own place, because I want to be grown up and live by my rules. It can wait 3 years so I don't completely throw myself to financial ruin.

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stego
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby stego » Sun May 21, 2017 9:46 pm

Lol at living alone in NYC as a non rich person

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UVA2B
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby UVA2B » Sun May 21, 2017 9:47 pm

This is a no-brainer in my opinion. Live at home for a few years and have your social life elsewhere. And while I don't know the relationship with your father, this is a fantastic opportunity to start establishing yourself as an adult by living at home like an adult, making adult decisions, and showing him that you can handle life without him being overbearing in your life. He'll probably never fully turn it off, but maybe he'll lay off when he sees you succeeding in a professional school environment.

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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby Nebby » Sun May 21, 2017 9:52 pm

Live at home.

lillawyer2
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby lillawyer2 » Sun May 21, 2017 9:52 pm

stego wrote:Lol at living alone in NYC as a non rich person


Lol-I do not want to go down this rabbit hole. How can anyone live in manhattan is beyond me. I am not familiar with the other boroughs, but I heard its getting to be out of hand as well.

I am truly blessed to be able to stay in the city-but nothing is perfect. My dad is very hard to live with.

lillawyer2
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby lillawyer2 » Sun May 21, 2017 9:58 pm

UVA2B wrote:This is a no-brainer in my opinion. Live at home for a few years and have your social life elsewhere. And while I don't know the relationship with your father, this is a fantastic opportunity to start establishing yourself as an adult by living at home like an adult, making adult decisions, and showing him that you can handle life without him being overbearing in your life. He'll probably never fully turn it off, but maybe he'll lay off when he sees you succeeding in a professional school environment.


My father is ill. So it makes it worse. He will never stop being over the top/crazy. He is the type of parent that is aggravating as fuck.

Anyway, He is so happy I am going to law school. He is happy that I have accomplished so many goals. He hasb't let up yet. I am 3 years out of UG. I got a good job as an accountant-worked my way up. I dnt even have a fucking finance/accounting degree. I paid off all my student loans. It was only $33k, but still. I saved up a lot of money. So I am not some irresponsible kid. I have a bit of adult things under my belt! lol

I imagine that he will fall back when I start school. He told me in 3 years I can get rid of him, but right now you have to live at home. You have to deal with me. Its too expensive out there.

Npret
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby Npret » Sun May 21, 2017 10:16 pm

You won't have a roommate situation that you could possibly afford but you will live with your dysfunctional dad for free.

I don't follow that logic. You can find ways to live in NYC and go to law school. You said you only need a bed and a shower. That can be found in many places.

I feel you are creating two opposing choices without exploring other options. Of course you shouldn't borrow between $75,000-$90,000 extra to live alone, but there can be other options.

You say you've had a job and been responsible with money- I don't understand why you haven't made a move to other living situations if your life is so terrible with your father. So maybe it isn't as bad as you claim?

I have to say I find the whole post a little confusing.

Edit to add: did you post about this a few months ago? I remember something very similar and I don't think it was ferrisjo.

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Yugihoe
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby Yugihoe » Sun May 21, 2017 10:29 pm

Dude, don't be dumb and waste $70k. Fuck having people over. You're 20 min walk from school if you live at home, for free? That's amazing.
Who cares if your dad is overbearing. Spend most of your time on campus and just go home for free food. You don't need to entertain friends over at your place. Spend the rent $$$ you're saving to go out. Find tinder dates/SO who can host.

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UVA2B
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby UVA2B » Sun May 21, 2017 11:18 pm

lillawyer2 wrote:
UVA2B wrote:This is a no-brainer in my opinion. Live at home for a few years and have your social life elsewhere. And while I don't know the relationship with your father, this is a fantastic opportunity to start establishing yourself as an adult by living at home like an adult, making adult decisions, and showing him that you can handle life without him being overbearing in your life. He'll probably never fully turn it off, but maybe he'll lay off when he sees you succeeding in a professional school environment.


My father is ill. So it makes it worse. He will never stop being over the top/crazy. He is the type of parent that is aggravating as fuck.

Anyway, He is so happy I am going to law school. He is happy that I have accomplished so many goals. He hasb't let up yet. I am 3 years out of UG. I got a good job as an accountant-worked my way up. I dnt even have a fucking finance/accounting degree. I paid off all my student loans. It was only $33k, but still. I saved up a lot of money. So I am not some irresponsible kid. I have a bit of adult things under my belt! lol

I imagine that he will fall back when I start school. He told me in 3 years I can get rid of him, but right now you have to live at home. You have to deal with me. Its too expensive out there.


No one here will be able to assess how toxic your environment is with your father, and beyond that, we especially can't put a money value on how much it is worth avoiding it. But you're talking about $75k to live alone in NYC when you really don't have to do so. That's several questionable decisions made that would need intensely personal justification that none of us can disagree with.

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A. Nony Mouse
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby A. Nony Mouse » Sun May 21, 2017 11:41 pm

I mean if you won't consider roommates then I think you kind of have to live with your father, because the alternative is just crazy expensive.

Npret
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby Npret » Mon May 22, 2017 12:28 am

Another unwanted piece of advice for you to consider. Instead of hating so much about your situation living with your dad and complaining about how awful it is, you might consider trying gratitude for what you have . You might consider focusing your energy on appreciating that you don't have:free place to live so close to law school that will also feed you pay your Utilities probably and maybe even cover your cell phone. Graditude can really help you appreciate a huge benefits financial and otherwise you're getting to your life by living with your dad.

I know plenty of people who live with family in New York and they basically have no expense re housing, food and utilities that isn't covered by their parents. They can even buy you a monthly metro bus pass if needed.

So if you do you stay at home even if difficult,I you can find more mental peace in focusing on gratitude for having a free place to live.

All of this is assuming that you decide you could live with your dad, which is basically only something you can decide. It's so hard to tell from the outside.

AJordan
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby AJordan » Mon May 22, 2017 5:20 am

Had thoughts to refute pretty much everything you wrote that weighs against moving out but it's so obvious it's not even worth that trouble. Live at home. Figure it out. You're not a kid. That's what adults do, they figure out how to deal with "aggravation" to facilitate other, more important, priorities.

cavalier1138
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby cavalier1138 » Mon May 22, 2017 6:49 am

I'd actually recommend getting away from the crazy family member, but that's because I place an incredibly low value on familial relationships.

That said, grow up. Find a roommate, or find a cheaper studio, because if you can't find one for well under $2k, you aren't looking hard enough. You can get decent 1BR places in Brooklyn for under $2k.

lillawyer2
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby lillawyer2 » Mon May 22, 2017 7:18 am

Npret wrote:Another unwanted piece of advice for you to consider. Instead of hating so much about your situation living with your dad and complaining about how awful it is, you might consider trying gratitude for what you have . You might consider focusing your energy on appreciating that you don't have:free place to live so close to law school that will also feed you pay your Utilities probably and maybe even cover your cell phone. Graditude can really help you appreciate a huge benefits financial and otherwise you're getting to your life by living with your dad.

I know plenty of people who live with family in New York and they basically have no expense re housing, food and utilities that isn't covered by their parents. They can even buy you a monthly metro bus pass if needed.

So if you do you stay at home even if difficult,I you can find more mental peace in focusing on gratitude for having a free place to live.

All of this is assuming that you decide you could live with your dad, which is basically only something you can decide. It's so hard to tell from the outside.


It isn't unwanted advice. It is exactly what I think I needed to hear. I think your right. I focus too much on what I hate about living with my dad. He's difficult, I can't have people over, I can't decorate my room, He treats me like a baby etc..

I need to focus on what living with my dad so close to school does for me. I will be so much better off financially. I am close to school. What is making it hard to justify living on my own even with a roommate in some apartment in brooklyn or queens is that my best alternative is still living at home where I spend $0 and live in prime real estate and don't need a commute.
My dad is a pain in my ass. I also think paying rent without a job and a monthly metro card when I live right next to school would be a fucking idiot mistake.

I guess I'm just venting. Everytime I get excited to leave and go move out, reality hits me that it isn't financially smart when I have an alternative.

I am also jealous that co-workers my age moved out already, but they aren't going back to school. I am. So I have to wait my turn.

Thansk for reminding me to look at what is important

lillawyer2
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby lillawyer2 » Mon May 22, 2017 7:29 am

cavalier1138 wrote:I'd actually recommend getting away from the crazy family member, but that's because I place an incredibly low value on familial relationships.

That said, grow up. Find a roommate, or find a cheaper studio, because if you can't find one for well under $2k, you aren't looking hard enough. You can get decent 1BR places in Brooklyn for under $2k.


I thought about brooklyn/harlem/queens and a roomie, but daily expenses-metro card, food, etc...will still put me above the $2k range. I laid everything out. If I stick to a budget, I would need $8k to a year allocated to daily expenses-metro card, beauty (eyebrows, hair, etc..), cell phone, groceries money on hand (eat out, shop). I wouldn't have a job, so that would require me ro really rely on loans to survive. I understand if someone has to, but the fact that I have a choice makes it difficult. I want independence in my favorite city, but I just can't afford it.

Also the closer to school the better. I never had to take public transportation living in the city. I love convenience. I could justify paying out my ass for conveience, because that is important to me. Where I currently live is very very convieent. I think living on campus is the only way I could get closer to the school.

cavalier1138
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby cavalier1138 » Mon May 22, 2017 7:34 am

lillawyer2 wrote:
cavalier1138 wrote:I'd actually recommend getting away from the crazy family member, but that's because I place an incredibly low value on familial relationships.

That said, grow up. Find a roommate, or find a cheaper studio, because if you can't find one for well under $2k, you aren't looking hard enough. You can get decent 1BR places in Brooklyn for under $2k.


I thought about brooklyn/harlem/queens and a roomie, but daily expenses-metro card, food, etc...will still put me above the $2k range. I laid everything out. If I stick to a budget, I would need $8k to a year allocated to daily expenses-metro card, beauty (eyebrows, hair, etc..), cell phone, groceries money on hand (eat out, shop). I wouldn't have a job, so that would require me ro really rely on loans to survive. I understand if someone has to, but the fact that I have a choice makes it difficult. I want independence in my favorite city, but I just can't afford it.

Also the closer to school the better. I never had to take public transportation living in the city. I love convenience. I could justify paying out my ass for conveience, because that is important to me. Where I currently live is very very convieent. I think living on campus is the only way I could get closer to the school.


I mean, living at home seems fine if you've just been exaggerating the toxicity of your relationship with your father (which seems to be the case from your follow-up posts). But paying more than $100 a month to avoid taking the subway is idiotic.

Honestly, a lot of your posts make it sound like you should be holding off on law school to get some experience living/working. How much are you already taking out in loans? Are you literally going to be debt free by living at home?

lillawyer2
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby lillawyer2 » Mon May 22, 2017 8:42 am

cavalier1138 wrote:
lillawyer2 wrote:
cavalier1138 wrote:I'd actually recommend getting away from the crazy family member, but that's because I place an incredibly low value on familial relationships.

That said, grow up. Find a roommate, or find a cheaper studio, because if you can't find one for well under $2k, you aren't looking hard enough. You can get decent 1BR places in Brooklyn for under $2k.


I thought about brooklyn/harlem/queens and a roomie, but daily expenses-metro card, food, etc...will still put me above the $2k range. I laid everything out. If I stick to a budget, I would need $8k to a year allocated to daily expenses-metro card, beauty (eyebrows, hair, etc..), cell phone, groceries money on hand (eat out, shop). I wouldn't have a job, so that would require me ro really rely on loans to survive. I understand if someone has to, but the fact that I have a choice makes it difficult. I want independence in my favorite city, but I just can't afford it.

Also the closer to school the better. I never had to take public transportation living in the city. I love convenience. I could justify paying out my ass for conveience, because that is important to me. Where I currently live is very very convieent. I think living on campus is the only way I could get closer to the school.


I mean, living at home seems fine if you've just been exaggerating the toxicity of your relationship with your father (which seems to be the case from your follow-up posts). But paying more than $100 a month to avoid taking the subway is idiotic.

Honestly, a lot of your posts make it sound like you should be holding off on law school to get some experience living/working. How much are you already taking out in loans? Are you literally going to be debt free by living at home?


Not exaggerating-just upping what I can tolerate and coming to terms that my normal isn't everyone elses. I know people that HATE new york. They hate the filth, the rats and the subway, but they continue on because they have to. Its part of being an adult. Taking the good with the bad. My worst case scenario allows me to come out ahead. I won't have housing debt. I may not like my living space, but how much would I like moving out if I dnt have a job, if I have to budget every penny, if I have to take the subway, if I have to share 500sqft with a stranger? Would I have peace of mind if I knew I was putting myself further into debt to only spend 1/4 of my time there?

Nothing is perfect. I can't have everything. I graduated UG and lived with my dad for 3 years already. i'm trying to say what's 3 more years, but its a lot on me. If a bed and shower is all I need, why make it more than what it is and move out? If I will be spending most of my time at school and studying/in the library, why pay rent?

I was glamorizing my life in law school. I would have a nice apartment. I'd spend my times outside of class entertaining in my apt or just chilling. I had these day dreams because I can't wait to move out. Sometimes when your unhappy you envision anything will be better than what you have and you make it fit into whatever ideal narrative you've carved out, but that isn't the case. (Think Princess Fiona in Shrek)

I'm sacraficing happiness to not overly get myself into debt. I have a half merit scholarship. I will come out of Law School with no more than $80k of debt.

I'm trying to not let emptions wholly dictate the moves I make.

UVA_2020
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby UVA_2020 » Mon May 22, 2017 1:10 pm

Live at home your first semester and see how it goes.

If you're miserable living at home, find someone from your law school class/another graduate student to live with second semester or even your second year.

lolwat
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby lolwat » Mon May 22, 2017 1:40 pm

I wouldn't want to live at home with my dad during law school either, but if the choice were that or paying a shitload for rent, I'd live at home.
After all, if you're either (a) in class, (b) studying at the library, (c) at clubs/curriculars, or (d) sleeping, then it shouldn't matter as long as you're getting the rest you need and your dad isn't keeping you awake.
Also, why is "Social nightmare" and "I can't have people over" a con when you explicitly stated all you needed was a bed and a shower?

Every once in a while I read this "I'm an adult now so I want to do x y z" justification for things. Being an adult means making smart choices.

Also, as far as familial relationships go, maybe you don't care now and you might never care, but then again maybe there might someday come a time where you're glad you spent the extra time with your dad when that's not an option anymore. That shit's hard to quantify.

lillawyer2
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby lillawyer2 » Mon May 22, 2017 2:42 pm

lolwat wrote:I wouldn't want to live at home with my dad during law school either, but if the choice were that or paying a shitload for rent, I'd live at home.
After all, if you're either (a) in class, (b) studying at the library, (c) at clubs/curriculars, or (d) sleeping, then it shouldn't matter as long as you're getting the rest you need and your dad isn't keeping you awake.
Also, why is "Social nightmare" and "I can't have people over" a con when you explicitly stated all you needed was a bed and a shower?

Every once in a while I read this "I'm an adult now so I want to do x y z" justification for things. Being an adult means making smart choices.

Also, as far as familial relationships go, maybe you don't care now and you might never care, but then again maybe there might someday come a time where you're glad you spent the extra time with your dad when that's not an option anymore. That shit's hard to quantify.


All I need is a bed and a shower. What I want is a whole different story. Getting what I want requires a whole lot of money I do not have. Therefore, acquiring debt I do not want.

The last part is true. I should suck it up, because as crazy as my dad is. I won't have him or my mom forever. A good chance some of this I will look back on this and laugh/cry.

Being adult does mean making choices and unfortuantely sacrafices.

lillawyer2
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby lillawyer2 » Mon May 22, 2017 2:42 pm

UVA_2020 wrote:Live at home your first semester and see how it goes.

If you're miserable living at home, find someone from your law school class/another graduate student to live with second semester or even your second year.


This is an option too. I can wait and see.

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it's allgood
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby it's allgood » Tue May 23, 2017 9:51 am

lillawyer2 wrote:Living on my own:

Pro:
My own space.
Peace of mind
Boosts my social life (study sessions/social gatherings)

Con:
NYC rent for a studio is $2500 on average. (I will not entertain the idea of living with roommates. lol)
I wont have a job-so I will be spending/running out of money quicker due to groceries/laundry...etc

Living with papa:

Pros:

Living Rent FREE
Law school is 20min away walking. 5-10 by bus.
My food is free lol
I'll be saving btw ($75-90k) in loans to pay when I graduate.

Cons:

My father is overbearing. He is over protective.
I feel like a guest at his house.
I have a room, but its his man cave. lol Its littered with his books, sports stuff etc...
Social nightmare. I can't have people over!!!





I try to justify staying at home, because Law School is miserable right? I will be studying the hours I am not in class. The hours I am not studying or in class, will probably be devoted to law school related clubs/curriculars. Then the 5-6 hours I have left are reserved for sleeping.

I never study at home. Even when I lived in my own apt in UG. I always studied at the library. It just put me in the zone. So I am not worried about how well I can study at home.

I only need a bed and a shower. I don't need to worry about luxury/fine comforts, right?!

I just want my own place, because I want to be grown up and live by my rules. It can wait 3 years so I don't completely throw myself to financial ruin.


Is living on campus in a dorm an option?

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waldorf
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby waldorf » Tue May 23, 2017 10:43 am

This should not even be a question. Live with your dad. The money you'll save will be HUGE, and your reasons for not wanting to ("he treats me like a baby! I won't be able to have friends over!") make you sound like an immature and spoiled brat. As long as he isn't interfering with your ability to study and sleep, then I think that you need to suck it up and live with your father.

Be grateful you have a parent willing to allow you to live with him not only rent free but free of a grocery bill, utilities, etc. Honestly, as someone who doesn't have parents, be grateful you have parents at all, even if you think your dad "treats you like a baby".

lillawyer2
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby lillawyer2 » Tue May 23, 2017 1:28 pm

it's allgood wrote:
lillawyer2 wrote:Living on my own:

Pro:
My own space.
Peace of mind
Boosts my social life (study sessions/social gatherings)

Con:
NYC rent for a studio is $2500 on average. (I will not entertain the idea of living with roommates. lol)
I wont have a job-so I will be spending/running out of money quicker due to groceries/laundry...etc

Living with papa:

Pros:

Living Rent FREE
Law school is 20min away walking. 5-10 by bus.
My food is free lol
I'll be saving btw ($75-90k) in loans to pay when I graduate.

Cons:

My father is overbearing. He is over protective.
I feel like a guest at his house.
I have a room, but its his man cave. lol Its littered with his books, sports stuff etc...
Social nightmare. I can't have people over!!!





I try to justify staying at home, because Law School is miserable right? I will be studying the hours I am not in class. The hours I am not studying or in class, will probably be devoted to law school related clubs/curriculars. Then the 5-6 hours I have left are reserved for sleeping.

I never study at home. Even when I lived in my own apt in UG. I always studied at the library. It just put me in the zone. So I am not worried about how well I can study at home.

I only need a bed and a shower. I don't need to worry about luxury/fine comforts, right?!

I just want my own place, because I want to be grown up and live by my rules. It can wait 3 years so I don't completely throw myself to financial ruin.


Is living on campus in a dorm an option?


Dorming is ridicoulsy expensive and also mostly reserved for students who are coming from far away, which makes sense.

lillawyer2
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Re: Live @ home with a dysfunctional parent or move out?

Postby lillawyer2 » Tue May 23, 2017 1:32 pm

bwaldorf wrote:This should not even be a question. Live with your dad. The money you'll save will be HUGE, and your reasons for not wanting to ("he treats me like a baby! I won't be able to have friends over!") make you sound like an immature and spoiled brat. As long as he isn't interfering with your ability to study and sleep, then I think that you need to suck it up and live with your father.

Be grateful you have a parent willing to allow you to live with him not only rent free but free of a grocery bill, utilities, etc. Honestly, as someone who doesn't have parents, be grateful you have parents at all, even if you think your dad "treats you like a baby".


He is way worse, but I am uncomfortable talking about it-even though its anonymous. I listed just the minor stuff and wrote dysfunctional in the title. He has mental illness and physical illness.

To make it ok, I will have to spend as less time there as possible.




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