Top 25 list for my professors this semester...
(25) Contracts Prof: Sorry I made you read this case. At first I thought-- I was really excited it was a new case not in the last book. And then I read it and it was terrible. We stopped using the old book because it had all these things we didn't like about it. And then we thought, oh, this new book is good with all these new issues. But in fact it had all the same problems as the last. Clearly I did not learn from my personal life in my textbook selection. I didn't learn from divorcing my first wife to hastily marrying my second wife only to learn that there was just a host of new problems, coupled with all the old ones.
(24) CivPro Prof: "[Student,] you’re married, you have no incentive to impress the girls in this class. Go ahead. Say something sexist. I dare you!”
(23) CivPro Prof: So the head in the lap killed us.
(22) Contracts Prof: This is what academics call 'Picking up nickels in front of a steamroller.' It's great to pick up nickels, but dude, eventually you're going to get steamrolled. And then you'll die.
(21) Contracts Prof: NO! You've got to beat that out of you! No. No no no! Beat it out! You've got to BEAT IT OUT.
(20) Torts Prof: What if there's like, this...what if it was a strange skunk...and it sprays you, but it looks like a cat...and when it brushes up against you, it sprays you and you get a rash...so, it's a strange skunk that looks like a cat...this is...maybe a bad example because I'm not sure such an animal exists...but if it did--it'd be ultrahazardous.
(19) CivPro Prof: You weren't getting to it. You were CRUMBLING like a little CHILD. Stand firm MAN! What are you WEARING A DRESS??! Sheesh! I should have just called on a woman!! Stand FIRM!!
(18) Contracts Prof: When we domesticated horses it did revolutionize the economy! As a peasant, I can now plow the field more effectively than when I hitched up my kids to the plow. It also transformed warfare. If you were a rich guy, you got to ride a horse and run down peasants en masse.
(17) Contracts Prof: It's the pigeon on crack experiment all over again. ...what? You don't know the pigeon on crack experiment? Well, you got this pigeon in a box, right? If he pecks hole one, he gets crack; if he pecks hole two, he gets 20 pebbles of food in 20 minutes. So what happens right? The pigeon turns out the same way as humans; he ends up on crack.
(16) Contracts Prof: I'm going to be teaching a course in Dubai. They think they are going to be getting U.S. Contract law, but they’re really getting sheeping versus dogging!
(15) CivPro Prof: Everything my wife and I say to each other is privileged because we're both attorneys and we're constantly expecting litigation from the other.
(14) Contracts Prof: The answer to your question is duckrabbit…..It's like duck or rabbit--am I seeking duck or rabbit?.....yes. …..You're saying its a duck. You're saying it's a rabbit. I'm saying yes. It's duck-rabbit. …..Again, I think it's duck-rabbit. But then I think everything's duck-rabbit....if it's not sheeping and dogging.
(13) Contracts Prof: Who's at fault? Charlottesville! We know what happens when you start playing Frogger! you get splattered! They're at fault for Charlottesvilling it up like doofuses for forcing confrontation between me and the car. I think it's insane! I love Charlottesville, but I want to go get a bagel. I live in the downtown. I have to get killed?
(12) Torts Prof: Hot for your mouth is different from hot for your crotch.
(11) Contracts Prof: Litigation is alternative dispute resolution. It's an alternative to drive by shooting.
(10) Contracts Prof: You care about fact; I care about THE LAW. (later in class) YOU! With your facts! Wait until the law of evidence! There's an entire course on that! Which I've never taken. Because I DON'T CARE.
(9) CivPro Prof: I think [another professor] has a couple multiple choice questions on his Contracts exam. But I'm not a PANSY, so I have only essays on my exam. (later) It's not because I'm scared of [that professor]...I'm not. He doesn't even have a man's name.
(8) CivPro Prof: Who’s Juan and why do we need a pool boy? That’s what my wife asked me the other day. We don’t even have a pool.
(7) CivPro Prof: Issue preclusion is more of a bear. We are going to wrastle that bear on Thursday. What generally happens when you wrastle a bear? That’s not a gay porn reference. I had to wash my eyes out after what I saw on Saturday Night [at the PILA auction]. I thought dirty dancing was just a movie.
(6) Contracts Prof: I only eat organic because I like to be healthy. That's why I drink a gallon of oil and eat baby bunnies for breakfast every morning. But that sounds bad, so I call it "roast lepan" when I'm talking around little Timmy. Actually, we hide far too many things from little Timmy. He's going to grow up to have serious psychological needs. But, fortunately, the med school in Grenada at least is producing great psychologists today. Timmy will have access to the help he needs.
(5) Contracts Prof: What if they put the extremely dangerous liger in a cast iron cage, surrounded by a moat stocked with Austrailian, horned-back crocodiles, and had two guards -- one with a Thompson machine gun and the other with an Uzi machine gun -- and some dude, whose life mission it is to kill ligers, manages to climb the wall, kills the two guards, jumps over the moat in a heroic whoosh, blows a hole in the cast iron cage, and, despite years of training, gets killed by the liger. Are the owners still strictly liable?
(4) Contracts Prof: You bastards! You're now selling us crappy cheap old male chickens...which are only fit for dog food! (later) On my principles, I only eat male chickens so as to increase the marginal population and so hopefully lead to more chick flourishing among the male chickens who lead a tragically short life. (later) And then some japanese dude figures out how to chicken sex and makes a fortune. (next day) I confess, I don't really know much about chicken sexing, at least not from any personal experience. Actually, I don't do much with chickens; I've only ever had one personal experience with chickens. In Kindergarten, we had an incubator project. I don't know, I guess the idea was that you take the incubator home, although I don't know why we couldn't just leave it at the classroom and plug it in over night. But you take the incubator home. And I was so excited to see the eggs hatch and have little chicks running around, male and female chickens alike, but they never hatched. You know why they never hatched? The teacher bought the eggs at the grocery store. And, that's why the eggs never hatched: because of this practice of genocide against the male chicks in the epic of chicken sexing hinted at by the case of Frigaliment v. BNS. Write that down.
(3) CivPro Prof: Sometmes I go home and want to kill myself….luckily I drink heavily…and play with my 1 year old…while drunk…cry on his shoulder a little…
(2) Contracts Prof: I've been asked about the exam and what it will cover. The technical answer is everything we've discussed, but in truth...everything since sandbox. The exam will cover everything you've ever learned since the sandbox. In short, the exam is not testing you on Contracts, it's really testing *you*. If you've learned well since the Sandbox, you'll do well. If you, personally, are not B+ material, then you just aren't. That said, don't take it personally. It's just testing you as a person.
(1) Contracts Prof: I'm not committed to corrective justice because I'm not a weird punitive FREAK. Dude! Why are you being so punitive?! All I want is big pie! That's why I HATE tort remedy! It's such a freakin' CANADIAN position! These canadians with their....Aw God! this professor has this book...the idea...Awgh!...the "Germaine of the Juridical is Corrective Justice" NO IT's NOT! It's BIG PIE! My next article is going to be titled "The Canadian Confusion". Just to annoy them, I'm going to spell Canadian and Confusion with a "K".