Please provide feedback on my transfer PS!

A forum for those current students who are or may be transferring from one school to another. Post any questions, advice, or other transfer related comments here.
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derner12
Posts: 8
Joined: Tue Jul 11, 2017 12:28 pm

Please provide feedback on my transfer PS!

Postby derner12 » Mon Jul 24, 2017 3:36 pm

Please delete
Last edited by derner12 on Tue Jul 25, 2017 12:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

joefresh
Posts: 63
Joined: Thu May 18, 2017 9:05 am

Re: Please provide feedback on my transfer PS!

Postby joefresh » Mon Jul 24, 2017 3:42 pm

Dude submit the app already; its late July.

acr
Posts: 684
Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2014 11:14 pm

Re: Please provide feedback on my transfer PS!

Postby acr » Mon Jul 24, 2017 3:52 pm

Jesus. This is more like a "stroke my own ego statement" instead of a "personal statement." If I were in admissions, I would probably deny you instantly. Seriously, there's no need to mention your "impressive" accolades to such an extent. For example, your multiple Dean's Lists, percentage rank in the class, CALI awards, etc. Yawn. Your resume can and should communicate all of that info. A personal statement is meant to give the reader a glimpse into something PERSONAL, not something that can be gleaned from casually looking at a resume for two seconds.

I also found it off-putting how you word things in the extreme. For example:


derner12 wrote:Any comments/feedback welcome:


[/b][/u] Throughout my life, I have continuously sought out both physical and intellectual challenges. Growing up, I enjoyed doing anything which required me to push my limits: playing sports, getting my paralegal certificate, and starting a business—all before age 20. My latest challenge has been tackling law school, where I strive to push myself to new heights of achievement in the only industry which I find challenging and rewarding enough to satisfy my appetite for achievement. I see the legal industry as a mountain, and I intend to climb it. My goal is to be a competent and ethical attorney, drawing upon the lessons I am learning in law school as well as my six years of paralegal experience. I look forward to challenging myself by competing within the legal industry as a fierce advocate with a strong moral character. I know that above all else, obtaining an excellent legal education is the key to becoming an effective attorney. To that end, I wholeheartedly believe that transferring to the [DESIRED TRANSFER SCHOOL], will leave me well-equipped to tackle every challenge I will face as a practicing attorney. Returning to [HOMETOWN, ALSO WHERE DESIRED SCHOOL IS LOCATED], close to my family and friends, will best position me to serve the community that I love.



(even from the first two lines you're stroking your ego--"all before age 20." Pfffft. Please.)

How is law the "only" industry you find challenging and rewarding? How could you possibly know this? You mention in the statement that you spent 6 years as a paralegal. Have you even tried out other industries? And how can you know that the legal field in general is "challenging" and "rewarding"? You're in law school.

That sounds almost as ridiculous as a secretary at a specialty care clinic saying "I want to work in the medical field because it's the only field where you can help people."

If you have to praise yourself, I recommend doing it more subtly. By that I mean writing a more compelling narrative where you can weave your accolades into the story instead of laundry-listing meaningless cutoffs and awards.

derner12
Posts: 8
Joined: Tue Jul 11, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Please provide feedback on my transfer PS!

Postby derner12 » Mon Jul 24, 2017 3:53 pm

I am doing the part-time program at my current school & won't be transferring until Spring 2018.

derner12
Posts: 8
Joined: Tue Jul 11, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Please provide feedback on my transfer PS!

Postby derner12 » Mon Jul 24, 2017 4:01 pm

Was there feedback somewhere in that comment?

RaceJudicata
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Joined: Mon Jun 22, 2015 2:51 pm

Re: Please provide feedback on my transfer PS!

Postby RaceJudicata » Mon Jul 24, 2017 4:05 pm

derner12 wrote:I am doing the part-time program at my current school & won't be transferring until Spring 2018.


Wait, you are writing a personal statement for next cycle? Just chill out man.

acr
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Re: Please provide feedback on my transfer PS!

Postby acr » Mon Jul 24, 2017 4:07 pm

RaceJudicata wrote:
derner12 wrote:I am doing the part-time program at my current school & won't be transferring until Spring 2018.


Wait, you are writing a personal statement for next cycle? Just chill out man.


Yeah, this too. Lol at writing a PS a year in advance.

derner12
Posts: 8
Joined: Tue Jul 11, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Please provide feedback on my transfer PS!

Postby derner12 » Mon Jul 24, 2017 4:09 pm

RaceJudicata wrote:
derner12 wrote:I am doing the part-time program at my current school & won't be transferring until Spring 2018.


Wait, you are writing a personal statement for next cycle? Just chill out man.


Yes, for spring--not fall. This is a first draft; I know it still needs a lot of work. I work full time and school's starting soon so I want to get ahead on this so it doesn't fall through the cracks.

derner12
Posts: 8
Joined: Tue Jul 11, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Please provide feedback on my transfer PS!

Postby derner12 » Mon Jul 24, 2017 4:09 pm

acr wrote:
RaceJudicata wrote:
derner12 wrote:I am doing the part-time program at my current school & won't be transferring until Spring 2018.


Wait, you are writing a personal statement for next cycle? Just chill out man.


Yeah, this too. Lol at writing a PS a year in advance.


5 months in advance, actually.

Gunner19
Posts: 65
Joined: Sat Aug 06, 2016 4:06 pm

Re: Please provide feedback on my transfer PS!

Postby Gunner19 » Mon Jul 24, 2017 4:17 pm

I'd try to tell a story that subtly weaves in all of these strengths you wrote about without bashing you over the head with it. This reads like a laundry list of your accomplishments that could easily be gathered from your resume as someone before me mentioned. Also, I'd look at what programs or possible courses in your desired practice area your target school offers. One or two sentences about that may make your desire to transfer more compelling and they'll see you did your homework.

derner12
Posts: 8
Joined: Tue Jul 11, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Please provide feedback on my transfer PS!

Postby derner12 » Mon Jul 24, 2017 4:32 pm

Gunner19 wrote:I'd try to tell a story that subtly weaves in all of these strengths you wrote about without bashing you over the head with it. This reads like a laundry list of your accomplishments that could easily be gathered from your resume as someone before me mentioned. Also, I'd look at what programs or possible courses in your desired practice area your target school offers. One or two sentences about that may make your desire to transfer more compelling and they'll see you did your homework.


Yes-the school I want to transfer into has a specific prof that I'd really like to meet/take classes with. Just was not sure if that'd be too much flattery. I honestly have read some of his books and know about his work though, so in that regard it'd be honest/genuine.

RaceJudicata
Posts: 1606
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Re: Please provide feedback on my transfer PS!

Postby RaceJudicata » Mon Jul 24, 2017 4:46 pm

derner12 wrote:
acr wrote:
RaceJudicata wrote:
derner12 wrote:I am doing the part-time program at my current school & won't be transferring until Spring 2018.


Wait, you are writing a personal statement for next cycle? Just chill out man.


Yeah, this too. Lol at writing a PS a year in advance.


5 months in advance, actually.


What schools accept spring transfers? Any school that accepts spring transfers probably won't read the PS to begin with because their transfer process is a money grab and is unlikely to meaningfully improve your job prospects. If its for geographic reasons, fine.

derner12
Posts: 8
Joined: Tue Jul 11, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Please provide feedback on my transfer PS!

Postby derner12 » Mon Jul 24, 2017 4:52 pm

RaceJudicata wrote:
derner12 wrote:
acr wrote:
RaceJudicata wrote:
derner12 wrote:I am doing the part-time program at my current school & won't be transferring until Spring 2018.


Wait, you are writing a personal statement for next cycle? Just chill out man.


Yeah, this too. Lol at writing a PS a year in advance.


5 months in advance, actually.


What schools accept spring transfers? Any school that accepts spring transfers probably won't read the PS to begin with because their transfer process is a money grab and is unlikely to meaningfully improve your job prospects. If its for geographic reasons, fine.


UT Austin. I am currently at UH (Houston) and my SO got a promotion that will require her (us) to move. It is pretty atypical/uncommon to transfer in the spring I think because even the associate dean I met with at UT had no idea they even took transfers anytime except the fall.

mimimimi
Posts: 16
Joined: Sun Oct 04, 2015 9:31 pm

Re: Please provide feedback on my transfer PS!

Postby mimimimi » Mon Jul 24, 2017 5:26 pm

I don't know about others, but I stopped reading after this "the only industry which I find challenging and rewarding enough to satisfy my appetite for achievement"

Sorry to be blunt, that statement just sounds wrong on multiple levels. Only industry? Appetite for achievement? ...

derner12
Posts: 8
Joined: Tue Jul 11, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Please provide feedback on my transfer PS!

Postby derner12 » Mon Jul 24, 2017 10:02 pm

mimimimi wrote:I don't know about others, but I stopped reading after this "the only industry which I find challenging and rewarding enough to satisfy my appetite for achievement"

Sorry to be blunt, that statement just sounds wrong on multiple levels. Only industry? Appetite for achievement? ...


Thanks for your help.

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Nebby
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Re: Please provide feedback on my transfer PS!

Postby Nebby » Sat Jul 29, 2017 9:49 am

This personal statement is very hollow and shallow. It needs personality. The only thing I took from this is that you have no idea what you want to do but you think you'll be great




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