PS - Please critique

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Anonymous User
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PS - Please critique

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jun 13, 2013 12:12 am

Please critique ... Thank you in advance

Please see v 2.0 below
Last edited by Anonymous User on Thu Jun 13, 2013 1:17 am, edited 2 times in total.

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lasersgopewpew
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Re: PS - Please critique

Postby lasersgopewpew » Thu Jun 13, 2013 12:18 am

At very first impression, it's long. Now, I don't know which schools you are applying to, so YMMV, but the schools that I've seen request something that's two or fewer double-spaced pages (1 single space page). You're well over that. If your target schools give you a little more latitude, then great, but even so, I'd consider making it shorter.

Concise is the name of the game.

Anonymous User
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Re: PS - Please critique

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jun 13, 2013 12:59 am

Still need to cut about 150-180 words....but here it is:


If I was to summarize the main drive for all that I do in life, passion is the most fitting word to describe it.  Passion has been the main reason for my achievements.  Many famous leaders, both in the business world and in politics, let passion lead them; their accolades and success tend to follow.  Knowing that I possess a trait that consistently correlates with success gives me confidence that I will follow in the footsteps of those who have most influenced my life.

Passion has been a part of my life from a very young age, evolving from one focus to the next as I have grown and experienced life.  As a child my passion was to build.  Fortunate enough to have parents who could afford to surround me with building blocks of all colors, my imagination flourished and my passion for building began with LEGOs. As time went on, I became passionate about different things in life. I moved to the United States from Israel, and as my surroundings changed, I became extremely passionate about business. By age eight, I was buying school supplies and candy at wholesale and reselling to other children at school. Financial gain was immaterial; however the crunching of numbers and the success of my business model gave me great satisfaction. My next endeavor was running a small business; supplying my local friends with paintball equipment. This led me to one of the biggest learning experiences in my life, and what would become my passion for the next eight years.

By age eighteen I had been working at a local paintball field, and was ready for college, but my passion for my job was unrelenting. My employer was not keen on having me leave. My undergraduate studies did not take me far from the paintball field, and so my employer agreed to let me run his business. I soaked up all the knowledge I could; everything from high pressure air systems to marketing, bookkeeping, inventory management, and (most importantly) human resources. I learned how to motivate and persuade those around me to work with me, not just for me. To date, the business operated at its optimal levels under my watch. My passion, hours of hard work and dedication were direct contributing factors to my success.

In 2009, my life changed again. I lost my best friend to cancer and a new passion was ignited. Spearheading the formation of a non-profit organization in his name, myself and two others have raised tens of thousands of dollars for cancer research. My core duties included all legal, tax and financial filings for the organization, including being awarded a 501(c)(3) charitable organization status in 2010. In 2011, the organization was named as one of “The 100”, an honor given to 100 individuals and entities by Mass General Hospital for dedicating their time and efforts for philanthropy. 

Having these accomplishments was not enough.  In 2011, I found my passion had set a course to study law. Due to economic downturn, I decided to go to a night program so that I could gain experience and have some income while studying. The long days were not easy but it was my passion which propelled me to persevere and attain great marks on exams. After two years of night classes, eight months in a judicial internship and eight months working at firm, my passion to study law is not only unwavering but has become focused. Having an undergraduate degree in Finance and excelling in Business, S.E.C. & Financial law courses, compiled with my legal experience places me in a unique position to succeed in a legal career. 

Amongst two siblings and a parent who have attended [SCHOOL], as well as serving under the Honorable [JUDGE NAME], an alumnus of [SCHOOL], I have heard many wonderful things about [SCHOOL]. Running a non-profit organization and having a deep background in finance, I look forward to attending [SCHOOL] so that I can focus my studies on both taxation and public interest law. I am excited to pursue a full-time program which will allow me to be submersed in my studies, yet at the same time utilize the cooperative program [SCHOOL] is well known for.

[SCHOOL NAME] will benefit by having someone on campus who exudes passion in what he does, every day. This passion will permeate to the student body and once I have completed my Juris Doctorate, I am confident [SCHOOL NAME] will be proud to have an alumnus who is passionate about his work and his life.

I greatly appreciate your time and your consideration.

redsoxfaan3
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Re: PS - Please critique

Postby redsoxfaan3 » Thu Jun 13, 2013 8:43 am

IMO- If this is a transfer PS, your grades are going to pull the majority of the weight of your application. Your PS should tell the transfer school why specifically you are transferring and why the school you are attempting to transfer to will better equip you to achieve your personal and professional goals. Frankly, everyone at this level is passionate, or at least can write a PS claiming to be. I would be very concise, describe your experience during your 1L year, and explicitly state why you feel you need to apply to the school you're targeting. If you are just transferring for prestige or a better ranking, perhaps explain that you are interested in academia and XX School will better prepare you for that. Generall higher ranking = academia

My two cents. We'll see if it works for me.

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dsb83
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Re: PS - Please critique

Postby dsb83 » Sun Jun 16, 2013 2:18 am

I'm not sure if framing the essay around "passion" is helpful. It doesn't really add anything and feels gimicky. You also never really explain the source of your passion. Some of your background appears interesting but it kind of gets lost in the passion thing. I suggest trying to work in a better explanation of the source of your passion and particularly passion for the law. I think Arrows advice on personal statement is good and it's probably best to devote about half to your background and half to why you want to transfer. Mine blended together somewhat. Maybe yours could do something similar as you transition to the things you were formally passionate about to law school?

Also, I'm not sure how effective the blatant name dropping is...might do better to discuss YOUR reasons for choosing the particular school and not who you know who's associated with it.

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dsb83
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Re: PS - Please critique

Postby dsb83 » Sun Jun 16, 2013 2:20 am

Also, you could cut the first paragraph and not lose anything if you're looking to shorten it some more.




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