Transfer PS Critique

A forum for those current students who are or may be transferring from one school to another. Post any questions, advice, or other transfer related comments here.
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kaiser
Posts: 2940
Joined: Mon May 09, 2011 11:34 pm

Transfer PS Critique

Postby kaiser » Sat Jun 11, 2011 2:08 pm

..
Last edited by kaiser on Tue Jun 14, 2011 11:58 am, edited 1 time in total.

kaiser
Posts: 2940
Joined: Mon May 09, 2011 11:34 pm

Re: Transfer PS Critique

Postby kaiser » Sat Jun 11, 2011 5:32 pm

Just bumping this up since im looking to apply ASAP

johndhi
Posts: 358
Joined: Sun Sep 27, 2009 11:25 am

Re: Transfer PS Critique

Postby johndhi » Sat Jun 11, 2011 6:09 pm

Looks very strong to me. Personally I think your writing is a little wordy, so if you want to cut down on words there are some places you can do that, but it's not too bad.

e.g. "I decided that it would be best to" --> "I decided to"

I prefer "I developed an interest" to "I developed a strong interest."

Finally, I think your last paragraph can be erased or modified. You're re-using words from above in the conclusion paragraph and given how short the letter is, it's annoying. Maybe a solution would be to abstract the language or change its tense, for example, "[New Law School] will allow me to pursue my dream of working as an employment lawyer, live with my fiance, and contribute to a prestigious academic community. Thank you for reading."

kaiser
Posts: 2940
Joined: Mon May 09, 2011 11:34 pm

Re: Transfer PS Critique

Postby kaiser » Sat Jun 11, 2011 6:29 pm

johndhi wrote:Looks very strong to me. Personally I think your writing is a little wordy, so if you want to cut down on words there are some places you can do that, but it's not too bad.

e.g. "I decided that it would be best to" --> "I decided to"

I prefer "I developed an interest" to "I developed a strong interest."

Finally, I think your last paragraph can be erased or modified. You're re-using words from above in the conclusion paragraph and given how short the letter is, it's annoying. Maybe a solution would be to abstract the language or change its tense, for example, "[New Law School] will allow me to pursue my dream of working as an employment lawyer, live with my fiance, and contribute to a prestigious academic community. Thank you for reading."


Thanks for the help. Will def cut down the wordiness and edit the last paragraph.
Last edited by kaiser on Sat Jun 11, 2011 8:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

kaiser
Posts: 2940
Joined: Mon May 09, 2011 11:34 pm

Re: Transfer PS Critique

Postby kaiser » Sat Jun 11, 2011 8:23 pm

Any other comments?

specialblend35
Posts: 50
Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2011 2:38 pm

Re: Transfer PS Critique

Postby specialblend35 » Sat Jun 11, 2011 8:36 pm

You begin several sentences with "As a..." Perhaps vary the sentence structure a bit.

kaiser
Posts: 2940
Joined: Mon May 09, 2011 11:34 pm

Re: Transfer PS Critique

Postby kaiser » Sat Jun 11, 2011 8:53 pm

specialblend35 wrote:You begin several sentences with "As a..." Perhaps vary the sentence structure a bit.


Good point. Thanks

kaiser
Posts: 2940
Joined: Mon May 09, 2011 11:34 pm

Re: Transfer PS Critique

Postby kaiser » Sat Jun 11, 2011 9:12 pm

Is there anything else to add/edit? Like I said, this thing is being sent pending any last second alterations based on the recommendations I get from you guys




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