PS Critique

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LionelHutzEsq.
Posts: 11
Joined: Wed Jun 01, 2011 9:55 pm

PS Critique

Postby LionelHutzEsq. » Wed Jun 01, 2011 10:03 pm

Any comments/advice appreciated. Thanks in advance.


In his 1959 work, The Sociological Imagination, C. Wright Mills defines the sociological imagination itself as, “…the capacity to shift from one perspective to another - from the political to the psychological; from examination of a single family to comparative assessment of the national budgets of the world; from the theological school to the military establishment; from considerations of an oil industry to studies of contemporary poetry. It is the capacity to range from the most impersonal and remote transformations to the most intimate features of the human self - and to see the relations between the two.” My experience in legal education has furthered my ability to refine and apply this imagination, and continuing my education at (School X) is the best way to maximize the utility of this type of worldview.

My first year Tort course was essential in the development and application of my sociological imagination. The course centered not only around learning the black letter law concerning various concepts of liability and damages, but also around the competing theories that form the basis for these rules and policies. Through analysis such as, how a champion of the law and economics school would view “tort reform” verses a champion of critical race theory, I furthered my ability to analyze the interplay between how individuals, institutions, and groups of people with competing interests view and shape our rules and policies.

Through this study and through my parents, both of whom are health care professionals, I have become increasingly interested in the intersection of health care and law. School X’s proactive Health Justice Project, is the ideal place to exercise and apply these interests in a way that utilizes the skills that I have already developed, and further develops these skills in a way that will maximize their benefit to society as a whole.

The Health Justice Project embodies the sociological imagination as it has identified a potentially negative impact of the application of policy to already disadvantaged groups, and looks to eradicate this problem through systematic and sustainable policy initiatives. The Project takes into account all of the competing interests that play into the creation of healthcare policy and looks to balance these interests in a socially just way. While I have been satisfied with my experiences at my current school, School Y, the school does not have any programs similar to this, which would allow me to utilize the skills I have developed in a positive way while still a student. As someone who recognizes and understands these competing interests, the ability to participate in a policy oriented project through School X would allow the University, myself, and society as a whole to enter into a mutually beneficial relationship. It would allow for institutions, individuals and society to work together in a positive way that would further the interests of all parties.

In addition to my desire to participate in the Health Justice Program, I seek to transfer to School X for other personal reasons. My career goal is to utilize my law degree and skills in a health care and policy oriented field in the (City) area. I have lived in the City area my entire life, and as such, all of my professional and personal contacts are located in City. The ability to continue my education in City would allow me to develop and utilize these contracts in a beneficial manner.

In conclusion, continuing my legal education at School X will not only further develop the sociological imagination that I have already begun crafting, but it will also allow me to apply this world-view in a way that will positively impact, myself, School X, and society as a whole during my time at School X and throughout my legal career.

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kwais
Posts: 1683
Joined: Tue May 11, 2010 12:28 pm

Re: PS Critique

Postby kwais » Wed Jun 01, 2011 10:11 pm

I went from not knowing you at all to...not knowing you at all. Way to take the Personal out of Personal Statement. It's easy to use big words, it's harder to be honest, humble and human.

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esq
Posts: 571
Joined: Tue Jul 13, 2010 9:59 pm

Re: PS Critique

Postby esq » Wed Jun 01, 2011 10:16 pm

Your PS seems really empty. You basically make this: "School X would allow the University, myself, and society as a whole to enter into a mutually beneficial relationship" and a couple other broad and very ambiguous claims, and then loop back into it throughout the entire statement without adding the substance that is needed to back it up. How much effort did you put into this, really?

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fltanglab
Posts: 555
Joined: Thu Feb 24, 2011 3:44 pm

Re: PS Critique

Postby fltanglab » Wed Jun 01, 2011 10:22 pm

I agree with the above posters about not being personal enough/emptiness. I guess if I were the admissions officer, I would ask "where is the fire?" As in, your passion. It reads like a boring article. Sorry. Also, don't end with "in conclusion."

I think your emphasis on a worldview makes you way too generic. Reading this PS would cause me to think that if someone else with your worldview from your city wrote this essay, it wouldn't be at all surprising. Make your PS sparkle, especially as a transfer. I know there's an emphasis on not being special snowflakes on this forum, but in your PS you ARE a special snowflake, just show how.

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rinkrat19
Posts: 13918
Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am

Re: PS Critique

Postby rinkrat19 » Wed Jun 01, 2011 10:24 pm

It is very cold and impersonal. There's a good argument for why transferring would be better for your career goals, but nothing about you as a person, and nothing to get a school interested in you. An anecdote illustrating why you want health care law so badly could be useful. Perhaps something you've observed as your parents work in the field. Bring some emotion into the essay.

LionelHutzEsq.
Posts: 11
Joined: Wed Jun 01, 2011 9:55 pm

Re: PS Critique

Postby LionelHutzEsq. » Wed Jun 01, 2011 10:52 pm

Thanks for the comments. I have worked as a volunteer at a children's clinic in Africa, probably a better/more personal lens to frame my desire to go into health law through, rather than broad sweeping strokes?

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rinkrat19
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Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am

Re: PS Critique

Postby rinkrat19 » Wed Jun 01, 2011 10:59 pm

LionelHutzEsq. wrote:Thanks for the comments. I have worked as a volunteer at a children's clinic in Africa, probably a better/more personal lens to frame my desire to go into health law through, rather than broad sweeping strokes?


I'm sure an amazing essay could be written about that experience. It's inherently interesting, and has massive potential for an emotional connection with the adcomm reading it. Just make sure it ties into what you want to do related to the US health care field, though, and not be all abrupt like "Health care sucks in Africa! I saw many sick children there and it was very sad. And so I want to defend/prosecute malpractice suits in the US."

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soaponarope
Posts: 169
Joined: Thu Jan 21, 2010 9:02 pm

Re: PS Critique

Postby soaponarope » Wed Jun 01, 2011 11:21 pm

First sentence in this PS and I was ZzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZ.

And I threw up a little reading this gem: My first year Tort course was essential in the development and application of my sociological imagination.
:roll:

Don't BS the adcoms.

Successful24
Posts: 31
Joined: Mon May 30, 2011 10:10 pm

Re: PS Critique

Postby Successful24 » Wed Jun 01, 2011 11:27 pm

Anyone interested in offering feedback/revisions for my PS? I'd greatly appreciate it! :D

I was once made a victim in my own body. Violated and invaded against my will, exploited for parts I did not even understand yet. I had been captured and trapped by a familiar captor, at a tender age. I was secluded and observed then overcome and conquered, like a caught cocooned caterpillar turned butterfly, trapped in a pickle jar with one hole poked in the cover for air.

The same feeling of entrapment must have engulfed my clients during restraints. Working at a residential facility for abused, mentally ill and traumatized girls was an abstruse antagonist for me. I had ventured into residential work intending to better acquaint myself with children who had entered the juvenile justice system at some point in their young lives. My interests in juvenile and family law motivated me to pay closer attention than most to the criminal history and backgrounds of my clients and their guardians. When I left this residential facility, moving on to another facility for younger boys with similar issues a year later, I left with so much more than just awareness.

My teeth were clenched as I tried my best not to react to the warm saliva that slid down my calf muscle as I restrained a struggling, sixteen-year-old Meagan. While I was only three years older than Meagan at the time, self restraint was an imperative asset to a job like this. I still recall my heart pounding, palms sweating, arms anxiously quivering. Meagan continued to curse me during my attempt to protect her from harming herself or others. She fought me, her spitting evolved into attempts to bite a chunk of my wrist, and in a burst of energy she struggled free for a long second. My adrenaline pumped as I finally managed to secure her.

The whole incident couldn’t have been more than a few minutes before her breathing slowed. Her heart rate had regulated, and I knew she was ready to talk to me. As I processed with Meagan, she explained that she was trying to run away from the facility because she just didn’t feel safe anywhere. She cried as she expounded how every person who should have kept her safe had betrayed her. Moments like this always challenged my ability to remain neutral, at least externally. I could never tell a client just how much I could relate to them. Meanwhile, my inevitable identification with her situation and her pain caused me to remain apprehensive even after talking her into a state of comfort, endurance.

I wanted to do more for Meagan and others like her. She had come to the facility after witnessing and experiencing five years of violence and sexual abuse. The legal system rescued her from what she had convinced herself would be an infinite fate. Lawyers worked in Meagan’s best interest to regain remnants of the justice stolen from her every time her step-father hit her mother, or every time he violated and invaded her against their will, raping her of innocence she barely got to know. Meagan once admitted how happy she was that her step-dad “couldn’t hurt them anymore.” I constantly pondered why he was able to continue the hurt for so long.

Something could have been done differently. Based on stories Meagan used to tell me, she had been to juvenile court many times because of her school records and attendance. There were signs of the abuse. Still, she had only been placed into foster care just recently before coming to my program. Her mother had been to court several times in attempts to press charges against her step-father for the abuse, however her mother never went through with the charges and nothing else was investigated subsequent to this.

I yearn to make an impact. One that is bigger than me and my trauma. I can make a profound difference through understanding and applying law. I’d like to learn what it takes to serve people like Meagan. I am quite aware that I can make an impact through listening to those I wish to impact, but listening is not enough. I wish to act. As a law student, I can offer a sensitivity to understand people. More importantly, I come with a persistence and determination to work with underserved and underrepresented populations. I am accomplished in speaking to people, specifically children who have been victimized, or feel they have been slighted or saved by the justice system.


In furthering my ability and education, I’d like to learn how to speak to the guardian ad litem, the judge, the probation officer, the school counselor and anyone else directly involved in the success of a child caught in the juvenile justice system. I am always analyzing the details of a situation, considering all aspects of a question or an answer, thinking critically, and factually. These habits will only mature in a law school environment where I can develop the tools needed to act. Then, I can serve youth and people who deserve to experience what justice can do for them.

maf70
Posts: 370
Joined: Wed Dec 15, 2010 11:57 am

Re: PS Critique

Postby maf70 » Wed Jun 01, 2011 11:35 pm

Successful24 wrote:Anyone interested in offering feedback/revisions for my PS? I'd greatly appreciate it! :D

I was once made a victim in my own body. Violated and invaded against my will, exploited for parts I did not even understand yet. I had been captured and trapped by a familiar captor, at a tender age. I was secluded and observed then overcome and conquered, like a caught cocooned caterpillar turned butterfly, trapped in a pickle jar with one hole poked in the cover for air.

The same feeling of entrapment must have engulfed my clients during restraints. Working at a residential facility for abused, mentally ill and traumatized girls was an abstruse antagonist for me. I had ventured into residential work intending to better acquaint myself with children who had entered the juvenile justice system at some point in their young lives. My interests in juvenile and family law motivated me to pay closer attention than most to the criminal history and backgrounds of my clients and their guardians. When I left this residential facility, moving on to another facility for younger boys with similar issues a year later, I left with so much more than just awareness.

My teeth were clenched as I tried my best not to react to the warm saliva that slid down my calf muscle as I restrained a struggling, sixteen-year-old Meagan. While I was only three years older than Meagan at the time, self restraint was an imperative asset to a job like this. I still recall my heart pounding, palms sweating, arms anxiously quivering. Meagan continued to curse me during my attempt to protect her from harming herself or others. She fought me, her spitting evolved into attempts to bite a chunk of my wrist, and in a burst of energy she struggled free for a long second. My adrenaline pumped as I finally managed to secure her.

The whole incident couldn’t have been more than a few minutes before her breathing slowed. Her heart rate had regulated, and I knew she was ready to talk to me. As I processed with Meagan, she explained that she was trying to run away from the facility because she just didn’t feel safe anywhere. She cried as she expounded how every person who should have kept her safe had betrayed her. Moments like this always challenged my ability to remain neutral, at least externally. I could never tell a client just how much I could relate to them. Meanwhile, my inevitable identification with her situation and her pain caused me to remain apprehensive even after talking her into a state of comfort, endurance.

I wanted to do more for Meagan and others like her. She had come to the facility after witnessing and experiencing five years of violence and sexual abuse. The legal system rescued her from what she had convinced herself would be an infinite fate. Lawyers worked in Meagan’s best interest to regain remnants of the justice stolen from her every time her step-father hit her mother, or every time he violated and invaded her against their will, raping her of innocence she barely got to know. Meagan once admitted how happy she was that her step-dad “couldn’t hurt them anymore.” I constantly pondered why he was able to continue the hurt for so long.

Something could have been done differently. Based on stories Meagan used to tell me, she had been to juvenile court many times because of her school records and attendance. There were signs of the abuse. Still, she had only been placed into foster care just recently before coming to my program. Her mother had been to court several times in attempts to press charges against her step-father for the abuse, however her mother never went through with the charges and nothing else was investigated subsequent to this.

I yearn to make an impact. One that is bigger than me and my trauma. I can make a profound difference through understanding and applying law. I’d like to learn what it takes to serve people like Meagan. I am quite aware that I can make an impact through listening to those I wish to impact, but listening is not enough. I wish to act. As a law student, I can offer a sensitivity to understand people. More importantly, I come with a persistence and determination to work with underserved and underrepresented populations. I am accomplished in speaking to people, specifically children who have been victimized, or feel they have been slighted or saved by the justice system.


In furthering my ability and education, I’d like to learn how to speak to the guardian ad litem, the judge, the probation officer, the school counselor and anyone else directly involved in the success of a child caught in the juvenile justice system. I am always analyzing the details of a situation, considering all aspects of a question or an answer, thinking critically, and factually. These habits will only mature in a law school environment where I can develop the tools needed to act. Then, I can serve youth and people who deserve to experience what justice can do for them.


looks like you just used your 0L personal statement. nothing in this says anything about transferring.

Successful24
Posts: 31
Joined: Mon May 30, 2011 10:10 pm

Re: PS Critique

Postby Successful24 » Wed Jun 01, 2011 11:37 pm

maf70 wrote:
Successful24 wrote:Anyone interested in offering feedback/revisions for my PS? I'd greatly appreciate it! :D

I was once made a victim in my own body. Violated and invaded against my will, exploited for parts I did not even understand yet. I had been captured and trapped by a familiar captor, at a tender age. I was secluded and observed then overcome and conquered, like a caught cocooned caterpillar turned butterfly, trapped in a pickle jar with one hole poked in the cover for air.

The same feeling of entrapment must have engulfed my clients during restraints. Working at a residential facility for abused, mentally ill and traumatized girls was an abstruse antagonist for me. I had ventured into residential work intending to better acquaint myself with children who had entered the juvenile justice system at some point in their young lives. My interests in juvenile and family law motivated me to pay closer attention than most to the criminal history and backgrounds of my clients and their guardians. When I left this residential facility, moving on to another facility for younger boys with similar issues a year later, I left with so much more than just awareness.

My teeth were clenched as I tried my best not to react to the warm saliva that slid down my calf muscle as I restrained a struggling, sixteen-year-old Meagan. While I was only three years older than Meagan at the time, self restraint was an imperative asset to a job like this. I still recall my heart pounding, palms sweating, arms anxiously quivering. Meagan continued to curse me during my attempt to protect her from harming herself or others. She fought me, her spitting evolved into attempts to bite a chunk of my wrist, and in a burst of energy she struggled free for a long second. My adrenaline pumped as I finally managed to secure her.

The whole incident couldn’t have been more than a few minutes before her breathing slowed. Her heart rate had regulated, and I knew she was ready to talk to me. As I processed with Meagan, she explained that she was trying to run away from the facility because she just didn’t feel safe anywhere. She cried as she expounded how every person who should have kept her safe had betrayed her. Moments like this always challenged my ability to remain neutral, at least externally. I could never tell a client just how much I could relate to them. Meanwhile, my inevitable identification with her situation and her pain caused me to remain apprehensive even after talking her into a state of comfort, endurance.

I wanted to do more for Meagan and others like her. She had come to the facility after witnessing and experiencing five years of violence and sexual abuse. The legal system rescued her from what she had convinced herself would be an infinite fate. Lawyers worked in Meagan’s best interest to regain remnants of the justice stolen from her every time her step-father hit her mother, or every time he violated and invaded her against their will, raping her of innocence she barely got to know. Meagan once admitted how happy she was that her step-dad “couldn’t hurt them anymore.” I constantly pondered why he was able to continue the hurt for so long.

Something could have been done differently. Based on stories Meagan used to tell me, she had been to juvenile court many times because of her school records and attendance. There were signs of the abuse. Still, she had only been placed into foster care just recently before coming to my program. Her mother had been to court several times in attempts to press charges against her step-father for the abuse, however her mother never went through with the charges and nothing else was investigated subsequent to this.

I yearn to make an impact. One that is bigger than me and my trauma. I can make a profound difference through understanding and applying law. I’d like to learn what it takes to serve people like Meagan. I am quite aware that I can make an impact through listening to those I wish to impact, but listening is not enough. I wish to act. As a law student, I can offer a sensitivity to understand people. More importantly, I come with a persistence and determination to work with underserved and underrepresented populations. I am accomplished in speaking to people, specifically children who have been victimized, or feel they have been slighted or saved by the justice system.


In furthering my ability and education, I’d like to learn how to speak to the guardian ad litem, the judge, the probation officer, the school counselor and anyone else directly involved in the success of a child caught in the juvenile justice system. I am always analyzing the details of a situation, considering all aspects of a question or an answer, thinking critically, and factually. These habits will only mature in a law school environment where I can develop the tools needed to act. Then, I can serve youth and people who deserve to experience what justice can do for them.


looks like you just used your 0L personal statement. nothing in this says anything about transferring.

Oh no sorry, I am a completely different person, I was sort of piggy backing off of his post.

Successful24
Posts: 31
Joined: Mon May 30, 2011 10:10 pm

Re: PS Critique

Postby Successful24 » Thu Jun 02, 2011 7:33 pm

IGNORE THE PREVIOUS POST! This version is the one that needs revision, please & thanks!

New draft:

I was once made a victim in my own body. Violated and invaded, exploited for parts I did not yet understand. I had been captured by a familiar hand at the age of six, secluded and observed then overcome, like a cocooned caterpillar, trapped in a pickle jar with one hole poked in the cover for air. I still had time left to be naïve, sheltered in my protective shell. But I chose to shed that cocoon, to become a butterfly. The metamorphosis allowed me to regain some of the control my captor stole from me. After being released, I was often in some way at the mercy of the person who owned the jar. That has changed for me.

A similar feeling of entrapment must have engulfed my clients. I began working at a residential facility for abused, mentally ill and traumatized girls. I wanted to learn more about the role of the criminal justice system in the lives of young abuse victims. The facility treated girls from a variety of backgrounds, but they were all caterpillars in some way. This made me particularly sensitive to their ordeals and perhaps unsurprisingly, has manifested in an interest in criminal, juvenile and family law.

One client, Meagan, had come to us after five years of violence and sexual abuse at the hands of her step-father. She told me how all her life, everyone who should have protected her had eventually betrayed her. Stories like Meagan’s tested my ability to remain dispassionate, at least externally. As a Clinical Counselor, I could never tell a client just how much I could relate to them. I reassured her, telling her she was a survivor who could only heal from her tribulations. For a while, my inevitable identification with clients’ pain made me uneasy.

Lawyers worked in Meagan’s best interest to regain remnants of the security stolen from her. Prosecutors were able to win their case against Meagan’s father and he was incarcerated for his crimes. Those representing Meagan made a strong enough case to have her removed from her mother’s custody, considering her mother a secondary abuser. Because of the legal system, Meagan was able to receive treatment at the residential facility. While she was not allowed visits from her mother, Meagan told me how happy she was that her step-dad “couldn’t hurt them anymore.”

Client’s like Meagan reminded me that one can only fly, once they get their wings. There is no going back or crawling. There is only moving forward, shedding the cocoon and flying. I have healed in watching others heal. They have given me hope and my wings are stronger than ever. So strong that I want to help children through legal means to bring forth the happiness Meagan spoke of.

In that jar, my imagination could not fathom fluttering wings. Now, whilst I fly, I maintain compassion for children caught in the juvenile justice system because of abuse. Many roles are essential in saving an abused child and leading them toward a successful future, from a guardian ad litem and probation officer, to a social worker, school counselor or judge.

I may represent underserved populations in family courts, to help remove children like Meagan from the custody of whoever is harming their progress. In the form of criminal law, I might prosecute predators and offenders who cause harm unto others. Maybe in juvenile courts, I will act as the juvenile defender, advising the judge on how next to proceed with a youthful or status offender’s case. I am no superhero, but I have experienced working the treatment aspect of the system and I can honestly say lives have impacted me, while I have impacted lives. I believe legal advocacy and law is where I am destined to make and receive a more profound impact.

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VinceIrons
Posts: 44
Joined: Mon Jan 31, 2011 8:48 pm

Re: PS Critique

Postby VinceIrons » Thu Jun 02, 2011 8:04 pm

Dude, don't hijack someone's thread. Make your own.

As for OP's statement, yeah, I could barely get though it. Way too dry and over intellectual. But, your offhand comment later about working at a children's clinic in Africa? BAM! That certainly grabbed my attention. You ought to be able to easily work that in to talking about School X's Health Justice Project. And it'll likely be a much more interesting and engaging piece too.

Successful24
Posts: 31
Joined: Mon May 30, 2011 10:10 pm

Re: PS Critique

Postby Successful24 » Thu Jun 02, 2011 8:24 pm

VinceIrons wrote:Dude, don't hijack someone's thread. Make your own.

As for OP's statement, yeah, I could barely get though it. Way too dry and over intellectual. But, your offhand comment later about working at a children's clinic in Africa? BAM! That certainly grabbed my attention. You ought to be able to easily work that in to talking about School X's Health Justice Project. And it'll likely be a much more interesting and engaging piece too.

I actually do have my own, I was trying to get more ppl willing to look at PS by piggy backing off of other threads but, lol, I get it. I am new to the site. Now I know.




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