Anonymous User wrote:Op here. Woof. Sorry gang.
I'm not trolling. I promise these feelings are legit, I didn't write all of this out to piss people off. In addition to admitting that I've been a little screwed in the head these last few weeks, I'm spilling my soul to the board because you all have seen people like me before (maybe not quite as dramatic and neurotic) and some of us have experienced this before. Some of the more level-headed in our community have told stories about their jumps from SA at one firm to accepting offers at another for no other reason than firm reputation (or prestige). If I were more levelheaded, I would have kept my mouth shut here and just tried to get another interview at the firms I want next year. But it ate away at me today, so I'm sharing it. Maybe I should just drop it. Just forget it. Just continue. But, for reasons I'll discuss below, I still feel like I need to prove something to myself (and no one but myself), to prove that I'm capable of doing something about it, that I can prove to myself that I am actually capable of being more competitive in this process than I was. I know I am exaggerating a tad to show a level of drama just to give a glimpse of how neurotic this stuff has made me. I clearly am not like this in my normal, everyday conversations with people. No one knows I'm letting this eat away at me the way that it is. Not even my girlfriend.
Maybe I should see a counselor. I thought that time would let this stuff cool off (I got my rejections and took my offer well over a month ago). Some days are good, some days are bad. I guess earlier this afternoon was a bad one.
Please understand, my snarky comments about "upper middle class" and the firm rankings are ridiculous and I'm only doing it to give a glimpse of my own craziness. I know it's nuts. I know all of it is. And the vault stuff is just to show the difference between the places. I didn't want these two firms because of the rankings, but I'm showing the rankings to show how competitive they are. My colleagues and students at other schools value those firms. Just as I do. The firm I have an offer at is a cool place. But it won't win in a popularity contest against the other two. This board would agree. So would my colleagues at school. I got the offer at the firm I'm going to because it's frankly less popular at my school. I value it. I like it. And it's a really good place. But I also can't help but think that if I'm not capable of earning a spot at the most competitive places--and I wasn't--that I'm not going to be extremely successful in this industry.
I think the logical thing would be to say "so what? You're not going to be extremely successful. Most of us aren't. We'll do fine. We'll do our jobs, hopefully we'll like it, that's okay." That's the way to think about it, right? Yeah, that probably is the way I should be thinking about this stuff. But I can't. I didn't get into this game for that reason. I do get that sane-perspective, that's the right way to look at it, and I admit that I'm nuts for even thinking the way that I am. This isn't about showing off or being a prick or entitled or whatever. It's just what I want to do. I want to be competitive. I want that satisfaction. Maybe I am Ahab.
I'm starting to think now that I shouldn't even be playing this game. Not because I'm not at the top, but because I let it eat away at me the way that I have. I'm not sure what to do now.
I guess I'll just push forward. Being back into schoolwork helps take my mind off it from time to time, but clearly it's not completely gone. I didn't mean to piss anyone off, and for those who wrote back with either legit concern or critical feedback (UVA2B and rpupkin, BaiAilian and Wild Card, among others) I do really appreciate it.
I don't want to piss people off, and I hope if nothing else you didn't think you were wasting your time or you got a laugh out of it.
First off, sorry you are going through all this anxiety and self doubt. I think everyone has experienced that and we can all know how bad it sucks.
Second, have you thought about why it is you want to be "extremely successful?" What does that mean to you? Do you know? And if you do know, what purpose would being extremely successful serve for you? To what end are you seeking that goal? How would it make your life better than it is now?
Third, I think you should definitely try to speak with a counselor. It is really difficult to deal with these extreme emotions alone.
And finally, try to put your own life into perspective. It is true that everyone has problems and that have stress and we cannot always control what we feel. But we can try to determine if our feelings are valid and whether or not our response is proportionate. This is taking a job that was not your top choice that is going to pay you $200,000, about 4 times the median income for a family of four. You aren't bleeding or maimed, no one is dying, you aren't going to jail or being evicted from your home. Breathe. You can work through this problem and you are going to be completely fine.