Lawyers dating other lawyers: do you ever compare yourselves?

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Lawyers dating other lawyers: do you ever compare yourselves?

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jan 26, 2017 3:57 pm

My SO is a lawyer and I am a law student. Both of us did/are doing reasonably well in law school. Every once in awhile I will find myself comparing myself to her and I feel like I'm developing an inferiority complex. What do you guys do to stop yourselves from doing that?

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Re: Lawyers dating other lawyers: do you ever compare yourselves?

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jan 26, 2017 4:02 pm

Make sure you pick different practice areas.

Also recognize that your SO has more experience than you, and that law school does not do a very good job of teaching you how to be a "lawyer." So comparing a law student to a practicing lawyer is comparing apples to oranges.

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Re: Lawyers dating other lawyers: do you ever compare yourselves?

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jan 26, 2017 4:05 pm

What I really struggle with is comparing my law school accomplishments with her accomplishments.

Thankfully we are in different practice areas.

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Re: Lawyers dating other lawyers: do you ever compare yourselves?

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jan 26, 2017 4:05 pm

Bondage roleplay.

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LaLiLuLeLo

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Re: Lawyers dating other lawyers: do you ever compare yourselves?

Postby LaLiLuLeLo » Thu Jan 26, 2017 4:09 pm

Yeah, sometimes we'll get caught up comparing before we jump in the shower or something. It's kinda humiliating that hers is a little girthy and very pretty compared to mine :|

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Re: Lawyers dating other lawyers: do you ever compare yourselves?

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jan 26, 2017 4:10 pm

Anonymous User wrote:What I really struggle with is comparing my law school accomplishments with her accomplishments.

Thankfully we are in different practice areas.


Do the best you can.

I'll tell you what though - in the real world, those "accomplishments" tend not to correlate with actual lawyering skills very well. For example, I was LR, clerked, my SO did not. We both went to T14s, but I went to the "better" law school (based on rankings) than him. He's still better at issue spotting and at recognizing the legal argument than me by a mile though, and I run stuff by him all the time.

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Re: Lawyers dating other lawyers: do you ever compare yourselves?

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jan 26, 2017 4:10 pm

Maybe this is less about you both being lawyers and more about her just being further in her career than you / making money while you're still a student. If that's the case, it'll end soon enough.

Have been in a similar situation before, I got over it pretty quickly once I decided my career wasn't going to define my self esteem (a lot of lawyers seem to base their self worth on grades and vault rankings, which I did for a long time, but then realized how stupid it was).

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Re: Lawyers dating other lawyers: do you ever compare yourselves?

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jan 26, 2017 4:14 pm

Anonymous User wrote:Maybe this is less about you both being lawyers and more about her just being further in her career than you / making money while you're still a student. If that's the case, it'll end soon enough.

This is definitely a part of it. Going from working and being able to afford whatever you want to scrounging for free pizza is a bit of a transition.

I recognize that grades/vault rankings/LR don't really matter after locking down an offer. I just can't shake the feeling that If I don't absolutely kill it and get all the brass rings I'm wasting time. It's something I'm working on.

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Re: Lawyers dating other lawyers: do you ever compare yourselves?

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jan 26, 2017 4:21 pm

This is a personal anecdote/observation but it might apply to you:

If you put career above above all and let your career define you, then yeah, it's going to be hard not to define others the same way.

That being said, you might still do it subconsciously.

I'll tell you it's really hard in law school not to compare and put yourself in this position. My self-esteem was the LOWEST EVER during law school because I was comparing myself to all other law students and lawyers. This is exacerbated by the fact that you live in a "bubble" during these 3 years and don't have much contact outside of the legal network. When everyone around is a fucking law student or lawyer, it's hard not to distinguish them without using rank, school, accomplishments, etc.

It will be a lot easier after law school (at least it was for me) when your whole life isn't revolved around law/legal field. You'll be working as a lawyer but you'll be able to expand your network. People around you will include lawyers, artists, accountants, etc. and there is no "hierarchy" anymore.

Also, it might have to do with the fact that you don't have a salary. That was a big deal for me too.

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Re: Lawyers dating other lawyers: do you ever compare yourselves?

Postby zhenders » Thu Jan 26, 2017 4:41 pm

With all respect, I've gotta say you're just gonna have to get right over this. It will lead to shittiness.

You and your SO are on a team; if she's kicking ass and taking names, the team is winning. If you're resenting her for that or getting down on yourself for her having succeeded in some ways that you didn't, you're dragging the team down, and not for the reasons you're worried about.

If you look at it from a teammate perspective, then it's ideal that she will succeed in some ways, and you in others; you're diversifying your skill sets. Another way to look at it is that if your partner is kicking more ass than you, then on this particular team, you got the better deal.

Also, try to remember that for basically for fucking ever, women had to put all of their shit aside and watch their husbands do the business world ass kicking. Consider yourself lucky you've got such an ass kicker of a partner, and support her. If you feel like you're a weak link, put your pride aside and learn from her.

Sorry to crap on you, OP -- but it's hard to feel sorry for you. Grow up and stop being afraid that your partner is better than you at some stuff. She probably is -- and that's fine.

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Re: Lawyers dating other lawyers: do you ever compare yourselves?

Postby Npret » Thu Jan 26, 2017 4:55 pm

Anonymous User wrote:My SO is a lawyer and I am a law student. Both of us did/are doing reasonably well in law school. Every once in awhile I will find myself comparing myself to her and I feel like I'm developing an inferiority complex. What do you guys do to stop yourselves from doing that?


Something is off with your value system. I can't imagine being jealous of the success of my partner. I don't know if you can change or if you will always feel inferior if you went to a lower ranked school or got worse grades. What will you do if you end up at a lower ranked Vault firm? What if you lose your someday job? What if she makes partner and you don't?

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Re: Lawyers dating other lawyers: do you ever compare yourselves?

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jan 26, 2017 5:06 pm

Is your partner doing something to make you feel inferior? I dated a lawyer in my same practice area while I was in law school, and he liked to passive aggressively berate things about my career (classes I decided to take, grades, choice of which firm to go to, etc.). It was incredibly toxic.

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Re: Lawyers dating other lawyers: do you ever compare yourselves?

Postby pancakes3 » Thu Jan 26, 2017 5:13 pm

Anonymous User wrote:Is your partner doing something to make you feel inferior? I dated a lawyer in my same practice area while I was in law school, and he liked to passive aggressively berate things about my career (classes I decided to take, grades, choice of which firm to go to, etc.). It was incredibly toxic.


Sounds like a hardo douche.

I'm in LS and dating other LS student(s) got tense especially around exams, 1L grades, and OCI. Pretty chill afterwards though. It's basically the same correlation of stress on friendships with other LS students but ratcheted up to 11.

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Re: Lawyers dating other lawyers: do you ever compare yourselves?

Postby Bluem_11 » Thu Jan 26, 2017 5:54 pm

"Babe I don't know about you, but I'm billing 60 hours a week right now. Pass the lotion please."

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Re: Lawyers dating other lawyers: do you ever compare yourselves?

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jan 26, 2017 6:10 pm

pancakes3 wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:Is your partner doing something to make you feel inferior? I dated a lawyer in my same practice area while I was in law school, and he liked to passive aggressively berate things about my career (classes I decided to take, grades, choice of which firm to go to, etc.). It was incredibly toxic.


Sounds like a hardo douche.

I'm in LS and dating other LS student(s) got tense especially around exams, 1L grades, and OCI. Pretty chill afterwards though. It's basically the same correlation of stress on friendships with other LS students but ratcheted up to 11.


Indeed, but I ask since I can't be the only person that this has happened to, given our profession!

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Re: Lawyers dating other lawyers: do you ever compare yourselves?

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jan 26, 2017 6:12 pm

Anonymous User wrote:
pancakes3 wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:Is your partner doing something to make you feel inferior? I dated a lawyer in my same practice area while I was in law school, and he liked to passive aggressively berate things about my career (classes I decided to take, grades, choice of which firm to go to, etc.). It was incredibly toxic.


Sounds like a hardo douche.

I'm in LS and dating other LS student(s) got tense especially around exams, 1L grades, and OCI. Pretty chill afterwards though. It's basically the same correlation of stress on friendships with other LS students but ratcheted up to 11.


Indeed, but I ask since I can't be the only person that this has happened to, given our profession!

Op here: not at all. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

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Re: Lawyers dating other lawyers: do you ever compare yourselves?

Postby whysooseriousbiglaw » Thu Jan 26, 2017 6:23 pm

It sounds like you guys are not mature enough to be in a relationship....who competes with their partner?

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Re: Lawyers dating other lawyers: do you ever compare yourselves?

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jan 26, 2017 6:26 pm

whysooseriousbiglaw wrote:It sounds like you guys are not mature enough to be in a relationship....who competes with their partner?

Do you date another lawyer?

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Re: Lawyers dating other lawyers: do you ever compare yourselves?

Postby RaceJudicata » Thu Jan 26, 2017 6:47 pm

whysooseriousbiglaw wrote:It sounds like you guys are not mature enough to be in a relationship....who competes with their partner?


Plenty of people do. People compete with the friends, family, S/O, etc. Most of the time its a friendly, subconscious competition (i.e. S/O success is pushing me to want to do better! type thing). The problem arises when it is no longer friendly and leads to negative feelings toward friend, family, SO.

I think its completely natural, and so long as its in check, is healthy.

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Re: Lawyers dating other lawyers: do you ever compare yourselves?

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jan 26, 2017 7:25 pm

zhenders wrote:With all respect, I've gotta say you're just gonna have to get right over this. It will lead to shittiness.

You and your SO are on a team; if she's kicking ass and taking names, the team is winning. If you're resenting her for that or getting down on yourself for her having succeeded in some ways that you didn't, you're dragging the team down, and not for the reasons you're worried about.

If you look at it from a teammate perspective, then it's ideal that she will succeed in some ways, and you in others; you're diversifying your skill sets. Another way to look at it is that if your partner is kicking more ass than you, then on this particular team, you got the better deal.

Also, try to remember that for basically for fucking ever, women had to put all of their shit aside and watch their husbands do the business world ass kicking. Consider yourself lucky you've got such an ass kicker of a partner, and support her. If you feel like you're a weak link, put your pride aside and learn from her.

Sorry to crap on you, OP -- but it's hard to feel sorry for you. Grow up and stop being afraid that your partner is better than you at some stuff. She probably is -- and that's fine.


This is beautiful. I hope I find someone someday with this philosophy.

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Re: Lawyers dating other lawyers: do you ever compare yourselves?

Postby whysooseriousbiglaw » Thu Jan 26, 2017 7:38 pm

Anonymous User wrote:
whysooseriousbiglaw wrote:It sounds like you guys are not mature enough to be in a relationship....who competes with their partner?

Do you date another lawyer?

I'm married to one..we met in law school.
Look the better your partner does financially, the easier life for you will be..people who think otherwise shouldn't be in relationships.

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Re: Lawyers dating other lawyers: do you ever compare yourselves?

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jan 26, 2017 7:42 pm

RaceJudicata wrote:
whysooseriousbiglaw wrote:It sounds like you guys are not mature enough to be in a relationship....who competes with their partner?


Plenty of people do. People compete with the friends, family, S/O, etc. Most of the time its a friendly, subconscious competition (i.e. S/O success is pushing me to want to do better! type thing). The problem arises when it is no longer friendly and leads to negative feelings toward friend, family, SO.

I think its completely natural, and so long as its in check, is healthy.

Competition often leads solely to negative feelings. Live and let live....it makes no rational sense to compete with your partner. Only someone who is insecure and/or needs to feel in power/control would feel this way...and often these types of people shouldn't be in serious relationships.

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Re: Lawyers dating other lawyers: do you ever compare yourselves?

Postby RaceJudicata » Thu Jan 26, 2017 7:58 pm

Anonymous User wrote:
RaceJudicata wrote:
whysooseriousbiglaw wrote:It sounds like you guys are not mature enough to be in a relationship....who competes with their partner?


Plenty of people do. People compete with the friends, family, S/O, etc. Most of the time its a friendly, subconscious competition (i.e. S/O success is pushing me to want to do better! type thing). The problem arises when it is no longer friendly and leads to negative feelings toward friend, family, SO.

I think its completely natural, and so long as its in check, is healthy.

Competition often leads solely to negative feelings. Live and let live....it makes no rational sense to compete with your partner. Only someone who is insecure and/or needs to feel in power/control would feel this way...and often these types of people shouldn't be in serious relationships.


Maybe competition is the wrong word. How about "motivation." Fine line b/w the two. My S/O - who has a great career - has certainly pushed me to do better in my career. To each his/her own, I suppose..

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Re: Lawyers dating other lawyers: do you ever compare yourselves?

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jan 26, 2017 8:02 pm

whysooseriousbiglaw wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:
whysooseriousbiglaw wrote:It sounds like you guys are not mature enough to be in a relationship....who competes with their partner?

Do you date another lawyer?

I'm married to one..we met in law school.
Look the better your partner does financially, the easier life for you will be..people who think otherwise shouldn't be in relationships.

I think it's weird that you think competition necessarily makes me wish for her to fail.

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Re: Lawyers dating other lawyers: do you ever compare yourselves?

Postby A. Nony Mouse » Thu Jan 26, 2017 8:19 pm

Anonymous User wrote:
RaceJudicata wrote:
whysooseriousbiglaw wrote:It sounds like you guys are not mature enough to be in a relationship....who competes with their partner?


Plenty of people do. People compete with the friends, family, S/O, etc. Most of the time its a friendly, subconscious competition (i.e. S/O success is pushing me to want to do better! type thing). The problem arises when it is no longer friendly and leads to negative feelings toward friend, family, SO.

I think its completely natural, and so long as its in check, is healthy.

Competition often leads solely to negative feelings. Live and let live....it makes no rational sense to compete with your partner. Only someone who is insecure and/or needs to feel in power/control would feel this way...and often these types of people shouldn't be in serious relationships.

Or someone who is human and has insecurities and whose insecurities happen to focus on this part of life.

My husband talked about going to law school for a while. I'm glad he didn't for a whole host of reasons, but I was a little worried that he would go, get straight As and win everything (because he's just like that), and I would feel badly about not doing as well. I don't think it would have doomed our relationship by any means and I would definitely have been happy for his success, but being competitive is human nature and it can complicate things.

I don't get the sense the OP is unhappy with having a successful spouse/partner, but is unhappy with themselves for not having done some of the things they have. I get that it's not the healthiest thing in the world, but I also don't think it means someone shouldn't be in a serious relationship.



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