Managing a Relationship in Big Law Forum

[dixiecupdrinking]

I'm reluctant to post this here and seek advice on my personal life from strangers on an internet forum, but figured its worth hearing from experience. I'm about to accept a nyc biglaw SA position and am almost certain my acceptance will be the de facto end of my relationship. Been dating my SO for 4 years, we're both from the mid-atlantic. My firm is pretty much 100% offer rate, and I would gladly accept an offer at the end of the summer … but my SO is adamant about not moving to nyc with me b/c of her own career interests. The firm I am going to is a v10 firm (only say this for exit-ops), I have no ambition to stay for longer than 3-4 years, but even this will do things for my career that smaller, more regional firms simply cannot provide. My questions, or solicitation for advice, are: (a) is it possible to not only have a relationship in biglaw, but to have a long-distance relationship in biglaw?; (b) am I selfish for pursuing opportunities to further my career at the expense of an important personal relationship? [context FWIW: she has already asked me as I would do reading at 8:30 on a Tuesday night, "is this what our life is going to be like…"]

Anything can work if you prioritize the relationship and you are both on the same page. This sounds like you are not prioritizing the relationship (why NYC if she does not want to move there?) and you are not on the same page (you will be working a lot which she does not seem to get). Sounds like you have your answer.

There's nothing wrong with prioritizing a career over a relationship, btw, if that is what you want. Be glad it happened now and not when you're married with kids.

[totesTheGoat]

My questions, or solicitation for advice, are: (a) is it possible to not only have a relationship in biglaw, but to have a long-distance relationship in biglaw?;

Maybe, but 1) LDRs are not something you can do long-term. You need an exit strategy or one of you will get tired of it; and 2) You or the SO may set up unreasonable expectations during the LD portion that just won't happen. It's much easier to blame you for your scheduling issues once you're in the same city as your SO than when you're 5 hours away from one another. Expectations need to be managed.

(b) am I selfish for pursuing opportunities to further my career at the expense of an important personal relationship? [context FWIW: she has already asked me as I would do reading at 8:30 on a Tuesday night, "is this what our life is going to be like…"]

I think it's better to give your SO a full picture of your long-term goals, and let them decide whether they can handle the consequences of you pursuing your goals. It's more selfish to delude your SO into thinking that things may get better when you know full well that you're going to be working just as hard, if not harder once you graduate.

[Anonymous User]

Quite a lot of stupid replies. No wonder most people in biglaw are miserable. Yes, it is possible to have a relationship while in BigLaw.

(a) is it possible to not only have a relationship in biglaw, but to have a long-distance relationship in biglaw?

This is tough, but still doable. I was in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for two years, while we both worked in big law (london vs new york). Manage expectations, trust each other completely and communicate clearly. There were certainly difficult times, but we managed to make the two years.

(b) am I selfish for pursuing opportunities to further my career at the expense of an important personal relationship? [context FWIW: she has already asked me as I would do reading at 8:30 on a Tuesday night, "is this what our life is going to be like…"]

No, it's not selfish. The more important question is whether your relationship is going to work if your SO already raises an eyebrow when you are working at 20.30 on a weekday.

[salad.law]

Why is this website so obsessed with BigLaw? Dude, do something you like. If you don't like BigLaw, don't do it. I understand there are "good" exit options, but in-house, working corporate, etc. is just as boring. Moreover, BigLaw work is even more boring. I do know individuals that love their BigLaw jobs though, so I guess it depends who you are. They do not have significant others. But there are a few associates/partners I know that are married and have children, but they do not spend a lot of time with them.

Maybe try to go to the USAO? But people there work just as hard with less pay. But the job, I heard, is great. Or become a PD/DA? However, depending on the jurisdiction, it could be a lot of work or no work. The PD/DA in my jurisdiction work probably just as much as BigLaw. However, they get to work at home.

If you're set on BigLaw, do it and exit to something you like to do. In-house? 9-5 job, decent pay, but are you going to like it? Would you want to do that job for the rest of your life? To me, that is just as bad as BigLaw.

[bruinfan10]

Why is this website so obsessed with BigLaw? . . . Maybe try to go to the USAO?

Outed as [an uninformed] law student [who may or may not have significant family money saving her from looking down the barrel of debt].

[AVBucks4239]

Why is this website so obsessed with BigLaw? Dude, do something you like. If you don't like BigLaw, don't do it. I understand there are "good" exit options, but in-house, working corporate, etc. is just as boring. Moreover, BigLaw work is even more boring. I do know individuals that love their BigLaw jobs though, so I guess it depends who you are. They do not have significant others. But there are a few associates/partners I know that are married and have children, but they do not spend a lot of time with them.

Maybe try to go to the USAO? But people there work just as hard with less pay. But the job, I heard, is great. Or become a PD/DA? However, depending on the jurisdiction, it could be a lot of work or no work. The PD/DA in my jurisdiction work probably just as much as BigLaw. However, they get to work at home.

If you're set on BigLaw, do it and exit to something you like to do. In-house? 9-5 job, decent pay, but are you going to like it? Would you want to do that job for the rest of your life? To me, that is just as bad as BigLaw.

I'm about as anti-BigLaw as it gets, but your post is really confused.

[Anonymous User]

Quite a lot of stupid replies. No wonder most people in biglaw are miserable. Yes, it is possible to have a relationship while in BigLaw.

Agreed. This thread seems to be full of people who have a tough time with relationships generally and attribute their difficulties to biglaw. Only way I can explain the posts saying it simply is not possible. Biglaw is tough, but it's not relationship-ending unless your relationship was already not a very good one.

(a) is it possible to not only have a relationship in biglaw, but to have a long-distance relationship in biglaw?

This is tough, but still doable. I was in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for two years, while we both worked in big law (London vs New York). Manage expectations, trust each other completely and communicate clearly. There were certainly difficult times, but we managed to make the two years.

Congrats. I think to add to this the difficulty of long distance relationships in biglaw have to do with the "long distance" part and not the "biglaw" part. In some ways, biglaw might have an advantage over other careers for LDRs because at least in biglaw you'll have the financial means to travel to see each other from time to time. Long hours are less of a big deal if you wouldn't see each for weeks on end regardless.

(b) am I selfish for pursuing opportunities to further my career at the expense of an important personal relationship? [context FWIW: she has already asked me as I would do reading at 8:30 on a Tuesday night, "is this what our life is going to be like…"]

No, it's not selfish. The more important question is whether your relationship is going to work if your SO already raises an eyebrow when you are working at 20.30 on a weekday.

Agreed, not selfish for you. This seems like a weakness of the relationship--specifically, your SO not being to deal with a lack of availability, which is selfish/unsupportive on her part and nothing to do with you. Complaining about working until 2:00 am every night is one thing (not claiming this doesn't happen in biglaw, but it's definitely not *routine*). Complaining about you working until 8:30 pm once is childish.

[Cogburn87]

Why is this website so obsessed with BigLaw? Dude, do something you like. If you don't like BigLaw, don't do it. I understand there are "good" exit options, but in-house, working corporate, etc. is just as boring. Moreover, BigLaw work is even more boring. I do know individuals that love their BigLaw jobs though, so I guess it depends who you are. They do not have significant others. But there are a few associates/partners I know that are married and have children, but they do not spend a lot of time with them.

Maybe try to go to the USAO? But people there work just as hard with less pay. But the job, I heard, is great. Or become a PD/DA? However, depending on the jurisdiction, it could be a lot of work or no work. The PD/DA in my jurisdiction work probably just as much as BigLaw. However, they get to work at home.

If you're set on BigLaw, do it and exit to something you like to do. In-house? 9-5 job, decent pay, but are you going to like it? Would you want to do that job for the rest of your life? To me, that is just as bad as BigLaw.

I'm about as anti-BigLaw as it gets, but your post is really confused.

Just do USAO, bro.

[hdunlop]

(b) am I selfish for pursuing opportunities to further my career at the expense of an important personal relationship? [context FWIW: she has already asked me as I would do reading at 8:30 on a Tuesday night, "is this what our life is going to be like…"]

No, it's not selfish. The more important question is whether your relationship is going to work if your SO already raises an eyebrow when you are working at 20.30 on a weekday.

Agreed, not selfish for you. This seems like a weakness of the relationship--specifically, your SO not being to deal with a lack of availability, which is selfish/unsupportive on her part and nothing to do with you. Complaining about working until 2:00 am every night is one thing (not claiming this doesn't happen in biglaw, but it's definitely not *routine*). Complaining about you working until 8:30 pm once is childish.

eh that's more than a little harsh considering it is in fact going to be a lot more than once and if you haven't had a conversation with her yet about what to expect she could have no idea and be genuinely curious and there's nothing to indicate to me she was being over the top about it

i agree with the first person saying it's not selfish, but let's not act like we're not asking an awful lot of SOs here