offer or fiancee?... halp

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CourCour
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Re: offer or fiancee?... halp

Postby CourCour » Fri Aug 09, 2013 11:54 am

Anonymous User wrote:I'm going to add a different perspective. I'm in an international long-distance marriage with my husband because we just couldn't make working/studying in the same city work. I know several other married law students in my class who are also in long-distance situations. It's part of the difficulty with millennials' lives. So it doesn't have to be an either-or decision.

One suggestion is to take turns making sacrifices for each other. In my case, my husband (a foreigner) sacrificed a good job in his home country to move to the US and be with me. After he got into Harvard, I sacrificed going to a T-14 to be with him in Boston. When work forced him abroad, he decided it was my turn to decide where to settle next. So in your case, you can take turns. It can definitely be frustrating giving up better job/study opportunities, but if you both do it for each other, and if you both truly love each other, you can make it work.

However, what worries me is that you say you are going to break up if you can't live in the same city. If you break up over something like that, how will you survive marriage and all of its trials? I think you need to seriously think about that before taking the plunge.

I wish you all the best in making your decision!


This. I worked with a guy (a lawyer) who lived separate from his now wife (a doctoral student) for their engagement and first year of their marriage. When she finished her degree and got a permanent placement he moved. This advice is of course predicated on you being in love and sure of your desire to spend your life together.


Anonymous User
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Re: offer or fiancee?... halp

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:19 pm

1) don't take advice from people with a lot of posts on TLS. chances are, if they have time to post here all the time, they're probably not out with their buds/girlfriends/ boyfriends

2) make sure the person who's advice you're taking isn't single. single people = have no idea wtf is going on

3) having seen a similar situation, i can tell you that you better be damn sure you won't miss her when you're in city Y by yourself. that means when some other douchebag's got his arms around her and you're buried until 14 hrs of paperwork, you won't hate yourself and start hitting on your co-workers. since you're thinking about marrying her, i'm gonna guess you like her a lot, but if you think she's as replaceable as a job in city Y, then forget the marriage and go do your job

dixiecupdrinking
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Re: offer or fiancee?... halp

Postby dixiecupdrinking » Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:26 pm

Anonymous User wrote:1) don't take advice from people with a lot of posts on TLS. chances are, if they have time to post here all the time, they're probably not out with their buds/girlfriends/ boyfriends

2) make sure the person who's advice you're taking isn't single. single people = have no idea wtf is going on

3) having seen a similar situation, i can tell you that you better be damn sure you won't miss her when you're in city Y by yourself. that means when some other douchebag's got his arms around her and you're buried until 14 hrs of paperwork, you won't hate yourself and start hitting on your co-workers. since you're thinking about marrying her, i'm gonna guess you like her a lot, but if you think she's as replaceable as a job in city Y, then forget the marriage and go do your job

Terrible advice, anon friend. Just throw away your career prospects to go be unemployed because you think your girlfriend will cheat on you if she's out of your sight for more than a day.

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Birdnals
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Re: offer or fiancee?... halp

Postby Birdnals » Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:28 pm

Anonymous User wrote:1) don't take advice from people with a lot of posts on TLS. chances are, if they have time to post here all the time, they're probably not out with their buds/girlfriends/ boyfriends

2) make sure the person who's advice you're taking isn't single. single people = have no idea wtf is going on

3) having seen a similar situation, i can tell you that you better be damn sure you won't miss her when you're in city Y by yourself. that means when some other douchebag's got his arms around her and you're buried until 14 hrs of paperwork, you won't hate yourself and start hitting on your co-workers. since you're thinking about marrying her, i'm gonna guess you like her a lot, but if you think she's as replaceable as a job in city Y, then forget the marriage and go do your job


Says Mr. "Anonymous User" who has 139,461 posts! Get a life! OP, ignore this neckbeard!

chinadoll
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Re: offer or fiancee?... halp

Postby chinadoll » Fri Aug 09, 2013 3:16 pm

OP, is it hard to get a job for people at your school? If so, then I agree with everyone about keeping the job.

If not, see if you can ask for a transfer to City X. I don't see why you can't have both your job and your fiancee.

If that isn't possible either, then maybe ask your fiancee if she's willing to go to a lesser school, and tell her you're willing to support her/ pay for part of it. A reasonable girl will take that as a compromise, since if you're willing to support her, the least she can do is support you.

If neither of you are willing to compromise, then I'm not sure what else there is to do except break up.

I hope things work out.

TooOld4This
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Re: offer or fiancee?... halp

Postby TooOld4This » Fri Aug 09, 2013 5:31 pm

chinadoll wrote:If that isn't possible either, then maybe ask your fiancee if she's willing to go to a lesser school, and tell her you're willing to support her/ pay for part of it. A reasonable girl will take that as a compromise, since if you're willing to support her, the least she can do is support you.


You don't understand how PhDs and academic hiring work. That's not a compromise, it's career suicide.

09042014
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Re: offer or fiancee?... halp

Postby 09042014 » Fri Aug 09, 2013 5:36 pm

TooOld4This wrote:
chinadoll wrote:If that isn't possible either, then maybe ask your fiancee if she's willing to go to a lesser school, and tell her you're willing to support her/ pay for part of it. A reasonable girl will take that as a compromise, since if you're willing to support her, the least she can do is support you.


You don't understand how PhDs and academic hiring work. That's not a compromise, it's career suicide.


Even if it's good, chances are she'll only get a job at UW: Oshkosh and then it's a real problem.

Also did she even get in yet

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A. Nony Mouse
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Re: offer or fiancee?... halp

Postby A. Nony Mouse » Fri Aug 09, 2013 5:58 pm

Desert Fox wrote:
TooOld4This wrote:
chinadoll wrote:If that isn't possible either, then maybe ask your fiancee if she's willing to go to a lesser school, and tell her you're willing to support her/ pay for part of it. A reasonable girl will take that as a compromise, since if you're willing to support her, the least she can do is support you.


You don't understand how PhDs and academic hiring work. That's not a compromise, it's career suicide.


Even if it's good, chances are she'll only get a job at UW: Oshkosh and then it's a real problem.

Also did she even get in yet

Hell, Oshkosh is only 3 hours from Chicago, that'd actually be a pretty sweet deal.

(I agree that getting a PhD job anywhere you want to work is going to suck, but that's a ways down the road - by then you might hate being a lawyer or she might decide she doesn't want to be a prof; cross that bridge when you come to it.)

suzige
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Re: offer or fiancee?... halp

Postby suzige » Fri Aug 09, 2013 6:15 pm

I didn't read thru the entire thread.

Take the job.

If you are certain that she'd break up with you over doing so, then don't even think about getting engaged. Hell, why don't you all wait to see how things work out and then get engaged? what's the rush?

paulinaporizkova
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Re: offer or fiancee?... halp

Postby paulinaporizkova » Fri Aug 09, 2013 11:17 pm

Probably scooped but if you have to poll TLS about this it sounds like you're not that into your girlfriend anyway.

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iceman219
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Re: offer or fiancee?... halp

Postby iceman219 » Sat Aug 10, 2013 10:05 pm

After dealing with a similar sort of situation/argument, take the job. Ultimatums are a sign of either immaturity or lack of commitment on the other person's respective side, especially when dealing with a pure "what if" situation, her not even being admitted to her program. As noted elsewhere, in this job market, take the bird in hand. Academia is overall a similarly weak job market given the cutback of state subsidies, and nothing to bank on as a given, especially when not even admitted to a program.

As a side note, the advice you get is proportional to the information you give. Why post anonymously, labelling the options "City Y" and "City X" and not delve into the grad options or job options? If City Y is Indianapolis and City X is Chicago, big difference. If g/f is going to try for an English doctorate vs. Neuro, big difference. If you're hiding behind the Anonymous User label, provide SOME fucking details that in real-life are actually important.

TooOld4This
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Re: offer or fiancee?... halp

Postby TooOld4This » Sun Aug 11, 2013 11:03 am

Desert Fox wrote:
TooOld4This wrote:
chinadoll wrote:If that isn't possible either, then maybe ask your fiancee if she's willing to go to a lesser school, and tell her you're willing to support her/ pay for part of it. A reasonable girl will take that as a compromise, since if you're willing to support her, the least she can do is support you.


You don't understand how PhDs and academic hiring work. That's not a compromise, it's career suicide.


Even if it's good, chances are she'll only get a job at UW: Oshkosh and then it's a real problem.

Also did she even get in yet


Exactly. There is no point in OP demanding that she kill her career, when it may very well die on its own.

However, if she does get in, there are likely ways to make it work. Further, by the time she is looking for jobs, OP will probably be thrilled with the idea of getting out of firm life and taking an in house position in fly-over land where he can work normal hours and have his mortgage be 1:1 or 2:1 with his salary.

For the next two years, OP needs to maximize his job opportunities. After laying a decent foundation, his job will be the much more flexible one (unless he is totally set on grinding away his life in a major market in a huge firm -- in which case this entire thing is pointless and he should just break up now).




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