Quick sentence check

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Anonymous User
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Quick sentence check

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Apr 18, 2013 5:05 pm

My experiences working with the clinic have greatly contributed to my desire to become a public defender, in part because I witnessed the crucial role that indigent attorneys play in ensuring justice for the poorest members of society.


Is this a good sentence? I've been up for 2 days straight and I cannot think straight. :oops:

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ph14
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Re: Quick sentence check

Postby ph14 » Thu Apr 18, 2013 5:08 pm

Anonymous User wrote:
My experiences working with the clinic have greatly contributed to my desire to become a public defender, in part because I witnessed the crucial role that indigent attorneys play in ensuring justice for the poorest members of society.


Is this a good sentence? I've been up for 2 days straight and I cannot think straight. :oops:


It sounds like you are talking about the crucial role that attorneys who are poor play. I'd change to "in part because I witnessed the crucial role that attorneys play in ensuring justice for the poorest members of society" or "attorneys representing indigent clients play."

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A. Nony Mouse
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Re: Quick sentence check

Postby A. Nony Mouse » Thu Apr 18, 2013 5:09 pm

Anonymous User wrote:
My experiences working with the clinic have greatly contributed to my desire to become a public defender, in part because I witnessed the crucial role that indigent attorneys play in ensuring justice for the poorest members of society.


Is this a good sentence? I've been up for 2 days straight and I cannot think straight. :oops:

"Indigent attorneys" sounds to me a little like the attorneys are indigent?

Also, you could probably condense "experiences working with the clinic" into "clinic experiences."

But otherwise I think it makes sense. :)
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dixiecupdrinking
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Re: Quick sentence check

Postby dixiecupdrinking » Fri Apr 19, 2013 11:02 am

It's very likely the attorneys are indigent, but I don't think that's the point you want to be making. :wink:

thsmthcrmnl
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Re: Quick sentence check

Postby thsmthcrmnl » Fri Apr 19, 2013 11:59 am

The clinic made me want to be a public defender. It showed me how attorneys for the indigent ensure justice.

Or something. My point is that there's fat to cut.

Agent
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Re: Quick sentence check

Postby Agent » Sat Apr 20, 2013 10:19 am

+1

thsmthcrmnl wrote:there's fat to cut.

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UnfrozenCaveman
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Re: Quick sentence check

Postby UnfrozenCaveman » Sat Apr 20, 2013 12:06 pm

thsmthcrmnl is right.

I dunno if this even cuts much, but how about?

My clinical experiences taught me about attorneys' crucial role in ensuring justice for the poorest members of society, and during this time, I formed a strong desire to become a public defender.

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Sheffield
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Re: Quick sentence check

Postby Sheffield » Sat Apr 20, 2013 12:13 pm

Not in favor of long sentences. Cut it in two...

My experiences working with the clinic have greatly contributed to my desire to become a public defender. I witnessed the crucial role that attorneys play in ensuring justice for the poorest members of society.




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