Just found out dad has MS

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Anonymous User
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Just found out dad has MS

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Mar 21, 2012 9:27 pm

Hey I'm posting here to be anoynymous. My dad wad just diagnosed with MS (of more rapid progression). He may has had it for many years, but it will now be profoundly more advanced.

I'm slated to start at a top-10 next yr (paying sticker). My concern is my dad is very lazy and now pretty mch useless and he has a wife (my mom) and two children who are minors. I live in another state but as my mom doesn't work, and my dad had been a bum but also smewhat incompetent for sometime I've been sending my family a 1000 a month for some time. This has made it tough to live off my 35k a yr while still paying UG debt, but i manage.

Issue is:

1.) in law school i can't work f/t so they wont have that 1000 a month.
2.) my dad has been applying for jobs but can't type, remember much, dress himself or speak clearly.
3.) my mom hasn't worked in 25 yrs, and her last job was minimum wage.
4.) their home is being foreclosed on.
5.) 2 minors (one is 8), both are honor students.

I am afraid my family will be homeless, which seems highly likely given this fact pattern.

Torn between:

Letting whatever fate determines for them happen. Parents never really supported me or were there....kind of just want stuff from me, but i love my 2 sisters. I really want to be a lawyer, and am confident my school will allow me tp thrive given my skill set. I also don't care for my job a great deal, and my income will never go up. Although i pull inover 35, 12 was going to my family and another 10 to ug loans so i only had 13k to live off in an expensive city per yr so my was not amazing.

I also don't want to be a dick or do anything amoral. Seems social sec won't pick up, and my dad was almost happy as he thinks it will get my mom off his back on finding a job.

AffordablePrep
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Re: Just found out dad has MS

Postby AffordablePrep » Wed Mar 21, 2012 9:44 pm

I
Last edited by AffordablePrep on Wed Mar 21, 2012 9:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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ph14
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Re: Just found out dad has MS

Postby ph14 » Wed Mar 21, 2012 9:46 pm

Anonymous User wrote:Hey I'm posting here to be anoynymous. My dad wad just diagnosed with MS (of more rapid progression). He may has had it for many years, but it will now be profoundly more advanced.

I'm slated to start at a top-10 next yr (paying sticker). My concern is my dad is very lazy and now pretty mch useless and he has a wife (my mom) and two children who are minors. I live in another state but as my mom doesn't work, and my dad had been a bum but also smewhat incompetent for sometime I've been sending my family a 1000 a month for some time. This has made it tough to live off my 35k a yr while still paying UG debt, but i manage.

Issue is:

1.) in law school i can't work f/t so they wont have that 1000 a month.
2.) my dad has been applying for jobs but can't type, remember much, dress himself or speak clearly.
3.) my mom hasn't worked in 25 yrs, and her last job was minimum wage.
4.) their home is being foreclosed on.
5.) 2 minors (one is 8), both are honor students.

I am afraid my family will be homeless, which seems highly likely given this fact pattern.

Torn between:

Letting whatever fate determines for them happen. Parents never really supported me or were there....kind of just want stuff from me, but i love my 2 sisters. I really want to be a lawyer, and am confident my school will allow me tp thrive given my skill set. I also don't care for my job a great deal, and my income will never go up. Although i pull inover 35, 12 was going to my family and another 10 to ug loans so i only had 13k to live off in an expensive city per yr so my was not amazing.

I also don't want to be a dick or do anything amoral. Seems social sec won't pick up, and my dad was almost happy as he thinks it will get my mom off his back on finding a job.


How old are you? I'm thinking it might be best to defer for a year. Pay down your UG debt, help your family get settled and into a long term solution (your dad and/or mom finding some sort of employment). I also think this will severely add to the stress of an already stressful 1L year, so it might be beneficial for you to defer.

Anonymous User
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Re: Just found out dad has MS

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Mar 21, 2012 9:48 pm

Mid-20s. Already deferred a yr, drastically paid down debt over past few yrs. Concern isn't emotional stuff. I'm very stable and mature when it comes to adapting. Only concerns are their survival wth no provider.

ph14 wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:Hey I'm posting here to be anoynymous. My dad wad just diagnosed with MS (of more rapid progression). He may has had it for many years, but it will now be profoundly more advanced.

I'm slated to start at a top-10 next yr (paying sticker). My concern is my dad is very lazy and now pretty mch useless and he has a wife (my mom) and two children who are minors. I live in another state but as my mom doesn't work, and my dad had been a bum but also smewhat incompetent for sometime I've been sending my family a 1000 a month for some time. This has made it tough to live off my 35k a yr while still paying UG debt, but i manage.

Issue is:

1.) in law school i can't work f/t so they wont have that 1000 a month.
2.) my dad has been applying for jobs but can't type, remember much, dress himself or speak clearly.
3.) my mom hasn't worked in 25 yrs, and her last job was minimum wage.
4.) their home is being foreclosed on.
5.) 2 minors (one is 8), both are honor students.

I am afraid my family will be homeless, which seems highly likely given this fact pattern.

Torn between:

Letting whatever fate determines for them happen. Parents never really supported me or were there....kind of just want stuff from me, but i love my 2 sisters. I really want to be a lawyer, and am confident my school will allow me tp thrive given my skill set. I also don't care for my job a great deal, and my income will never go up. Although i pull inover 35, 12 was going to my family and another 10 to ug loans so i only had 13k to live off in an expensive city per yr so my was not amazing.

I also don't want to be a dick or do anything amoral. Seems social sec won't pick up, and my dad was almost happy as he thinks it will get my mom off his back on finding a job.


How old are you? I'm thinking it might be best to defer for a year. Pay down your UG debt, help your family get settled and into a long term solution (your dad and/or mom finding some sort of employment). I also think this will severely add to the stress of an already stressful 1L year, so it might be beneficial for you to defer.

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Julio_El_Chavo
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Re: Just found out dad has MS

Postby Julio_El_Chavo » Wed Mar 21, 2012 9:56 pm

Defer for 1 year.

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Re: Just found out dad has MS

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Mar 21, 2012 10:00 pm

Julio_El_Chavo wrote:Defer for 1 year.

I already deferred for a yr.

How will this help?

Family would just prolong homelessness for 1 yr. You don't understand. Neither of my parents will work again. My mom has no ambition and has been very depressed for a while, and realistically has no skills. She is also too over the map to hold a job at any capacity. My dad was very lazy too and has a record....now has MS. The issue is support them for life and never go (despite the fact they never really supported me), or go to law school.

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ph14
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Re: Just found out dad has MS

Postby ph14 » Wed Mar 21, 2012 10:02 pm

Anonymous User wrote:
Julio_El_Chavo wrote:Defer for 1 year.

I already deferred for a yr.

How will this help?

Family would just prolong homelessness for 1 yr. You don't understand. Neither of my parents will work again. My mom has no ambition and has been very depressed for a while, and realistically has no skills. She is also too over the map to hold a job at any capacity. My dad was very lazy too and has a record....now has MS. The issue is support them for life and never go (despite the fact they never really supported me), or go to law school.


Sounds like you've made up your mind and are looking for someone to validate your decision so....

You can attend law school and get on with your life without having to feel guilty.

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Re: Just found out dad has MS

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Mar 21, 2012 10:03 pm

Don't worry about te stress. It isn't stressful in that way as my dad was never very good to me at any point of my life, and has tried to get into my bank accout/use my identity. He also has been incompetent for some time. The only stressor are finances, and studying while they're homeless.

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Re: Just found out dad has MS

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Mar 21, 2012 10:06 pm

Just the blanket "defer a yr" isnt very good advise (what the 2nd guy said) because cases and coping vary case by case. One thing to consider is im very cool headed and not very emotional. My dad going full 'tard or whatever won't make me upset or lose focus. My only concern is how it translates into my sisters making it to adulthood.

ph14 wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:
Julio_El_Chavo wrote:Defer for 1 year.

I already deferred for a yr.

How will this help?

Family would just prolong homelessness for 1 yr. You don't understand. Neither of my parents will work again. My mom has no ambition and has been very depressed for a while, and realistically has no skills. She is also too over the map to hold a job at any capacity. My dad was very lazy too and has a record....now has MS. The issue is support them for life and never go (despite the fact they never really supported me), or go to law school.


Sounds like you've made up your mind and are looking for someone to validate your decision so....

You can attend law school and get on with your life without having to feel guilty.

Anonymous User
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Re: Just found out dad has MS

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Mar 21, 2012 10:11 pm

Sorry you're going through this.

If I were in this situation, I'd want the best possible understanding of what might happen to my siblings' quality of life over the next five years.

To start, I might consider briefly explaining the situation to the Dean of Students (or equivalent) and asking whether there's someone at the law school who could help give me a clearer outlook on issues pertaining to finances, custody, etc.

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Re: Just found out dad has MS

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Mar 21, 2012 10:15 pm

Would it be putting an unfair burden on my school to ask them for legal advise/will they know? Part of my logic is maybe by learning the law i can also help better lt by knowing how to get him disability.

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ph14
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Re: Just found out dad has MS

Postby ph14 » Wed Mar 21, 2012 10:16 pm

Anonymous User wrote:Would it be putting an unfair burden on my school to ask them for legal advise/will they know? Part of my logic is maybe by learning the law i can also help better lt by knowing how to get him disability.


That is definitely not what you learn in law school. If you want something jurisdiction specific, start googling.

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Re: Just found out dad has MS

Postby cfrob14 » Wed Mar 21, 2012 10:17 pm

Did you get any scholarship money at other schools? Maybe a strong regional with substantial scholarship?

I'd say law school is a good idea, but paying sticker is a huge risk. Also, this is a highly personal issue, I don't know if I will be able to give you sound advice but here goes:

Your parents are supposed to take care of you, not the other way around. From the looks of it, you might be walking into black hole. Help out if you can. But also be aware that if you can't help out substantially then you're only going to be prolonging a kinda shitty situation.

Try to think long term. If you get JD you might be in a better position to provide for your sisters in the future. The next couple of years might be bumpy for you and them but if you get through it with a JD your financial situation could increase.

Like I said, paying sticker is a huge risk. Maybe try to go to a school that's good but also gives you lots of scholarship money. HTH

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sunynp
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Re: Just found out dad has MS

Postby sunynp » Wed Mar 21, 2012 10:21 pm

Wait- you aren't their provider. That isn't your job. Why isn't your mom working? And if your dad is disabled- the minors can get ssi and other benefits until they are 18.

You new to find a good social worker where your parents live. Contact the hospital where he goes or ask the doctor.

There are a lot of govt programs to help out here.

I don't think deferring is necessary . You just need good advice.

If you can't find a social worker- call your local ms support group. There are tons of resources out there. I'll try to post some links tomorrow. You need experienced advice. The school might be able to hook you up with legal advice but you need to know how to get the benefits they need.

You aren't solely responsible for your entire family's well- being. You have to look out for yourself and your career at this point .
Last edited by sunynp on Wed Mar 21, 2012 10:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Just found out dad has MS

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Mar 21, 2012 10:22 pm

I was in a similar situation before I left home for undergrad... I was, in a lot of ways, the glue that held my family together, and I had an 8 year old little brother. My mother was an alcoholic (she's been sober for 2 years now), and I didn't want my little brother growing up without some degree of stability. Some would say I took the easy way out by going away, and the situation certainly got worse before it got better, but I thank God that I had someone in my life who told me I needed to go...

They'll be okay without you helping them financially. They will. You sound like a great person for helping out when you were able, but you're just not in the position to do that anymore, because you're going to law school.

Good luck with everything.

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Re: Just found out dad has MS

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Mar 21, 2012 10:22 pm

Anonymous User wrote:Would it be putting an unfair burden on my school to ask them for legal advise/will they know? Part of my logic is maybe by learning the law i can also help better lt by knowing how to get him disability.


If they help, then great. If they decline, then at least you tried. Either way, my hope is that they'd know enough to point you in the right direction or at least to avoid misleading you.

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sunynp
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Re: Just found out dad has MS

Postby sunynp » Wed Mar 21, 2012 10:26 pm

Disability is something the social worker can help with. It is just a form. You could do it . I think there is also an interview.

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Re: Just found out dad has MS

Postby RebelRebel » Wed Mar 21, 2012 10:31 pm

I am very sorry to hear that you have been placed in such a situation.

Most people are myopic when they make such decisions - the emotional overtakes the rational. Regardless of the amount of help that you want to provide to your parents, it's my understanding that your primary concern is the welfare of your siblings.

You have been given the chance to fulfill your goal of becoming a lawyer and I believe that you should take it. Think of how much help you are able to provide to your family at present versus how much you will be able to help them with upon graduation as a lawyer. Many will say that law school is a huge risk. However, the combination of going to a highly ranked school and this situation should give you the drive to excel.

I believe that (depending on your siblings' level of maturity), you should have a frank discussion with them so that they do understand that this is not about selfishly abandoning them.


Best of luck

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Re: Just found out dad has MS

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Mar 21, 2012 10:44 pm

This is all great info, thank u so much. I think ill tell the school i am excited to start, but this is kind of my responsbility to make sure everythig's kosher in making sure tey're protected before starting this fall. Im sure theyd be happy to help bec admissions there is very nice, but my concern was whether this was in their realm of knowledge.

Don't really have an emotional reaction other than feeling bummed but nothing severe. Concerns are mostly damage control.

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Re: Just found out dad has MS

Postby moose » Wed Mar 21, 2012 10:56 pm

OP,..very sorry to hear you're going through this.....best of luck my friend.

My 2 cents,...could you see yourself not going to law school? I'm sure you'd make a great lawyer but considering that 2 of your sisters whom you dearly love may be faced with homelessness and other hardships perhaps its best you keep working. Maybe I'm a little old school but family should come first. Just to let you know,..I also had the opportunity to go to a T10 but passed on it due in part to financial difficulties,..career wise I'm doing fine now. There are other ways besides law school. Good luck in your decision.

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Re: Just found out dad has MS

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Mar 21, 2012 11:05 pm

Posting anonymously as I'd like to avoid employers finding out what I'm about to disclose (mods, if you aren't down with this use of the Anon, please just delete my post in its entirety rather than attaching my name):

I also have MS (though not the progressive type), and in my experience there are quite a few programs in place (though this varies state by state) in order to help out people who need a bit more support due to the progression of the disease.

I would check in with social security/disability folks and, even more helpful in my opinion, your local chapter of the National MS Society. NMSS has relatively good contacts with service providers, financial help, and attorneys that are familiar with going through the disability process. If you can get you dad hooked in with them, it will likely reduce the amount your family has to lean on you; the support staff at the NMSS chapter will be able to answer questions and all that once your family is familiar with them. The folks from NMSS I've met have been nothing if not persistent.

I don't think there's anything to feel guilty about, in terms of wanting to go to law school and all that; I think it's possible to get your family on the path to the support they need before fall semester starts. But I'm not you. Ultimately you'll need to do what feels right for you and your situation.

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Re: Just found out dad has MS

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Mar 21, 2012 11:20 pm

You'd be surprised what they'll do if you stop enabling them. Went through this with my dad, alcoholic and a fuck up, would not get a job; rest of family and I made a pact not to support him anymore. He begged for money, we eventually told him we cant support him, cannot afford it, will not enable him further, and he needs to go to a shelter. Said he wouldn't do it would rather die and how could we do this to him. Eventually he had to do it as he was living out of his car. Conditions became so bad for him and he hated the shelter so much, he had no choice but to pull it together and did. Now he has a salaried position, renting a home, and is doing quite a bit better. Tough love.

The MS makes things quite a bit difficult, but my dad has diabetes which disables him somewhat but he has done what he had to. You cannot for the rest of your life live your life for your parents. It's an incredibly hard situation and there is no good answer, but you can't keep deferring your own life for people who refuse to help themselves; parents or not. Perhaps also there are government programs you could help your parents to apply for that might be of help to them.

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Re: Just found out dad has MS

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Mar 21, 2012 11:38 pm

Well, you are and i hope this isn't offensive a mans man to adapt like u did. My dad is just not a mans man, and not so adaptive. Also, he doesn't have your IQ-nt sure if it's bec of MS, but he was a professor when i was a little kid (hasn't been for 15 yrs), and i know last yr his IQ tested at like 87 on something. He also seems to have it more severe as he can't type, and has no motor skills. He can still speak and stuff but job wise he has always been a little bit socially awkward, and i cant see him in a job morw cobtigent on social skills than motor/analytic skills, which he is rapidly losing. Unfortunately my mom's genetic side is the side with the good social skills. Her family is also relatively prominent, but they were disowned when i was a kid over some scam my dad tried pulling that jeopardized one of my moms brothere careers. I tried to rebridge the relatiknship fpr my mom and sisters but the relatives are not rational about it,

:?:
Anonymous User wrote:Posting anonymously as I'd like to avoid employers finding out what I'm about to disclose (mods, if you aren't down with this use of the Anon, please just delete my post in its entirety rather than attaching my name):

I also have MS (though not the progressive type), and in my experience there are quite a few programs in place (though this varies state by state) in order to help out people who need a bit more support due to the progression of the disease.

I would check in with social security/disability folks and, even more helpful in my opinion, your local chapter of the National MS Society. NMSS has relatively good contacts with service providers, financial help, and attorneys that are familiar with going through the disability process. If you can get you dad hooked in with them, it will likely reduce the amount your family has to lean on you; the support staff at the NMSS chapter will be able to answer questions and all that once your family is familiar with them. The folks from NMSS I've met have been nothing if not persistent.

I don't think there's anything to feel guilty about, in terms of wanting to go to law school and all that; I think it's possible to get your family on the path to the support they need before fall semester starts. But I'm not you. Ultimately you'll need to do what feels right for you and your situation.

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dingbat
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Re: Just found out dad has MS

Postby dingbat » Wed Mar 21, 2012 11:45 pm

I moved out of the house in my early teens.
As much as it sucks, you've got to go for it.
If you can score a biglaw job, you'll be able to do far more to help your siblings (eg pay for them to go to college). Don't worry about your parents too much - they screwed up their own lives, you shouldn't ruin yours to avoid them paying the consequences. (if you can help, great, if not, it shouldn't be your problem)
Yes, it sucks in the short term, but who knows how hall happen. Maybe they'll manage, maybe they can avoid getting kicked out for 2 years. Maybe your siblings willbe able to live with you when your parents get kicked out? Be a role model for your siblings - show them what they can achieve (as opposed to being a cautionary warning for how their lives can be flushed down the drain)

Your current situation isn't helping, it's only delaying the inevitable. Your arents are pretty much screwed - its not a mater of if but when. Act accordingly.
I wish you thè best of luck and I hope it works out.

Pm me if you want further info/advice or if you just want to talk about it

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Gail
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Re: Just found out dad has MS

Postby Gail » Wed Mar 21, 2012 11:51 pm

If it were me, I'd inform the school, tell them I appreciate it, maybe some day down the road, but I really do have a duty to my family.


I think that's the honorable thing to do.




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