1L a Chicago here, and every 2L I've talked to has a biglaw SA next summer. Maybe I'm only talking to smart people, but people seem to be doing fine for themselves.
Except for one guy I know (who probably doesn't interview well), the 3Ls I've talked to have either offers or federal clerkships. Granted, I don't know quite as many of them.
2L @ Chicago here. You sound like an insufferable asshole. I have friends who are "smart" w/o jobs (from OCI or otherwise) and I know quite a few 3Ls w/o offers or federal clerkships.
+1. 2L at Chicago here who knows people below, at, and above median without offers.