Top 25 Quotes for my spring semester: (some redacted for one reason or another, if you're my facebook friend you can see the unedited list, also "Property Professor" and "Tax Professor" are the same person, some of them are probably "you had to be there")
(25) Property Professor: It is boring, I'll give you that. But you made the choice to go to law school. You could've gone to med school. You'd be cutting open cadavers right now. This is your fate; revel in it.
(24) Property Professor: It's like those snotty watch brands -- "you never own one of our watches, you just take care of it for the next generation" -- that's what a fee tail is.
(22) Nonprofits Professor: The person who has the revelation to start a religion usually gets to pick the Board of Directors.
(21) Property Professor: Please tell me she's laughing and not crying. I'd feel bad if I made someone cry on the last day.
(20) Property Professor: That's the magic of UVA law; there are cookies and a B+ mean.
(19) Property Professor: Grade schools are hot beds of fascism.
(17) Student: Is there a penalty for tax lawyers who consistently give bad opinions?
Tax Professor: You mean other than making them teach at law schools?
(16) Property Professor: There were many illustrations in the 42 pages, which, maybe you linger over those longer than I do, but I find that makes the reading go faster.
(15) Tax Professor: What junta are you endorsing?
Tax Professor: On your shirt?
Student: Oh Libel Junta...Libel Show. I support juntas in general though.
Tax Professor: Well if you want to stage a coup in here, feel free. I have a bottle of cognac at home; I have better things to do.
(14) Property Professor: It's all about feudal lords handing dirt to each other. You actually had to hand a clod of dirt to someone. And there would be witnesses. There had to be lots of witnesses. Sometimes they would bring along a small child that could be beaten so that people would remember the day of the conveyance. Oh yeah, I remember that transfer; that was the day little Johnny was beaten. You can either have a recording system, or you can beat small children. The English chose to beat small children, all the Irish kids actually. In lieu of beating small children, we have a recording system.
(13) Property Professor: What argument would you make if you were his lawyer?
Student: I'm not a good lawyer.
Property Professor: Well this was a great career choice. What are you good at?
Student: Softball? I got a scholarship.
Property Professor: Really? NGSL gives out scholarships?
Property Professor (later): You're selling yourself short. You have this thing down. Quit the softball.
(12) Property Professor: I don’t mind being quoted in the Law Weekly, but bear in mind, there is a word used around here to describe me…untenured.
(11) Property Professor: Is anyone unusually well prepared for this case?
Property Professor: Does that mean you're all unusually poorly prepared? Or is it just the anti-gunner norm?
(10) Tax Professor: So I told you that my brother worked at Amazon. He also worked at Plow and Hearth. It was co-owned by the same company that owns a flower store. So during the off-peak season, they would direct some of the flower calls to his store. So he got a call from this man who was irate. He had called up and made 2 orders, one for his wife and one for his girlfriend. He included notes in each one. The one to the wife was supposed to say 'Thanks for 20 great years' and the one to the girlfriend was supposed to say 'That was a great weekend in Jamaica.' The girl who took his order didn't like what he was doing so she switched the notes. Needless to say, this guy was not happy. So my brother had to listen to this guy scream at him over this. The guy should've just placed the orders separately. So back to tax...this is why you keep your long term capital gains and short term capital gains separate.
(9)Human Rights Study Project: This game [Assassins, for charity] does not reflect the views of the HRSP with respect to murder, which we are against.
(8) Tax Professor: [Picks up phone] My wife is calling, she's in Italy. Well she's at Dulles. [Closes phone].....[picks up phone again] She's persistent [closes phone again] she's just waiting...that's what airport bars are for. I even told her Dulles has a nice wine bar. ......[picks up phone again later] Now I'm afraid she heard me.
(7) ConLaw Professor: What if it was like 2 grams or 10 grams [of marijuana]?
Student: No, that's coke.
(6)Property Professor: [UVA Law Professor Jody] Kraus was a classmate of mine, a year ahead of me. He was the same then as he is now. I'm told that's a good thing because he's tenured and I'm not. He was aggressively brilliant. In fact….no…you'll have to get a couple of beers in me before you hear that story. Don't put the Kraus stuff in the Law Weekly. My first experience with the Law Weekly, my first year here, I had a cold, it was Tax, I ran out of things to say, the class was supposed to go to about 3:30, it was 3:15, so I just made some glib remark…You know, it's cocktail hour somewhere in the Atlantic, so let's just break for the day." Then I turn to ANG, and it says "Thumbs up to Property Professor ending class a half an hour early on the logic that it's cocktail hour somewhere in the Atlantic." Not a good experience.
(5) Property Professor: Invariably, there will be people that get an A, and they think I'm their new best friend, but nothing could be further from the truth.
(3) Property Professor: It’s the 10th commandment.
Student: Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s…?
Property Professor: No, you’re right…
(2) Tax Professor: This is completely off-topic but I saw you drinking something up there, I'm sure it's coffee or something, but it just made me think of this story that my son drank vodka the other day. I was driving my 16 year old son and 10 year old daughter home from school the other day and my son tells me had vodka at school. He was in Art class and asked to go get a drink but the teacher he was out of hall passes so he couldn't go. My son sits down and the kid sitting next to him, who is a shady character, offers him a drink. My son takes it and drinks it and it's vodka. Apparently my son didn't flinch because then the kid asked him if he wanted to buy some weed. This is made worse by the fact that my daughter is sitting in the back and says, “What are you talking about? Not the weed, the other thing.”
(1) Property Professor: My roommate in law school wanted to bring a nuisance action against our neighbor, and now he teaches property law just like me. Anyone familiar with New Haven? Do you know Ruby's? No? Ruby's is a bar, where I spent my three years of law school. There is a liquor store right here [*draws a map on the board*], run by a guy named Zach, who I also got to know quite well. Between our apartment and the liquor store was this place called Alpha Delta Pizza, which was run by a family of Greek immigrants. I love Greeks. They're terrific. I was the moving force behind not bringing the nuisance action against Alpha Delta Pizza. Beyond the liquor store and Ruby's was the DMZ; I was told not to go there. Alpha Delta Pizza would deliver, and it was a family, so everyone in the store was a family member. They took their dumbest member, Stavros, and made him their delivery man. He had a horrible problem for a delivery man: he couldn't read a map. They wanted to be able to communicate with Stavros while he was delivering, so they had this enormous antenna that stuck up above our window that was so powerful that their conversations would come through every electric device. You'd hear them on the TV. You'd be watching Leno, and all of a sudden you'd hear "Stavros Stavros Stavros, where are you?" "If you could just tell me where I am, I could tell you where I am." So my roommate wanted them to take the antenna down. Someone else had a better idea -- we'd just call down and order a pizza, and find out how long it took Stavros to find us. So…that's neither here nor there. It's not on the exam.
Top 25 Quotes for the Fall if you didn't see them when I posted them months ago:
(25) Contracts Prof: Sorry I made you read this case. At first I thought-- I was really excited it was a new case not in the last book. And then I read it and it was terrible. We stopped using the old book because it had all these things we didn't like about it. And then we thought, oh, this new book is good with all these new issues. But in fact it had all the same problems as the last. Clearly I did not learn from my personal life in my textbook selection. I didn't learn from divorcing my first wife to hastily marrying my second wife only to learn that there was just a host of new problems, coupled with all the old ones.
(24) CivPro Prof: [Student,] you’re married, you have no incentive to impress the girls in this class. Go ahead. Say something sexist. I dare you!
(23) CivPro Prof: So the head in the lap killed us.
(22) Contracts Prof: This is what academics call 'Picking up nickels in front of a steamroller.' It's great to pick up nickels, but dude, eventually you're going to get steamrolled. And then you'll die.
(21) Contracts Prof: NO! You've got to beat that out of you! No. No no no! Beat it out! You've got to BEAT IT OUT.
(20) Torts Prof: What if there's like, this...what if it was a strange skunk...and it sprays you, but it looks like a cat...and when it brushes up against you, it sprays you and you get a rash...so, it's a strange skunk that looks like a cat...this is...maybe a bad example because I'm not sure such an animal exists...but if it did--it'd be ultrahazardous.
(19) CivPro Prof: You weren't getting to it. You were CRUMBLING like a little CHILD. Stand firm MAN! What are you WEARING A DRESS??! Sheesh! I should have just called on a woman!! Stand FIRM!!
(18) Contracts Prof: When we domesticated horses it did revolutionize the economy! As a peasant, I can now plow the field more effectively than when I hitched up my kids to the plow. It also transformed warfare. If you were a rich guy, you got to ride a horse and run down peasants en masse.
(17) Contracts Prof: It's the pigeon on crack experiment all over again. ...what? You don't know the pigeon on crack experiment? Well, you got this pigeon in a box, right? If he pecks hole one, he gets crack; if he pecks hole two, he gets 20 pebbles of food in 20 minutes. So what happens right? The pigeon turns out the same way as humans; he ends up on crack.
(16) Contracts Prof: I'm going to be teaching a course in Dubai. They think they are going to be getting U.S. Contract law, but they’re really getting sheeping versus dogging!
(15) CivPro Prof: Everything my wife and I say to each other is privileged because we're both attorneys and we're constantly expecting litigation from the other.
(14) Contracts Prof: The answer to your question is duckrabbit…..It's like duck or rabbit--am I seeking duck or rabbit?.....yes. …..You're saying its a duck. You're saying it's a rabbit. I'm saying yes. It's duck-rabbit. …..Again, I think it's duck-rabbit. But then I think everything's duck-rabbit....if it's not sheeping and dogging.
(13) Contracts Prof: Who's at fault? Charlottesville! We know what happens when you start playing Frogger! you get splattered! They're at fault for Charlottesvilling it up like doofuses for forcing confrontation between me and the car. I think it's insane! I love Charlottesville, but I want to go get a bagel. I live in the downtown. I have to get killed?
(12) Torts Prof: Hot for your mouth is different from hot for your crotch.
(11) Contracts Prof: Litigation is alternative dispute resolution. It's an alternative to drive by shooting.
(10) Contracts Prof: You care about fact; I care about THE LAW. (later in class) YOU! With your facts! Wait until the law of evidence! There's an entire course on that! Which I've never taken. Because I DON'T CARE.
(9) CivPro Prof: I think [another professor] has a couple multiple choice questions on his Contracts exam. But I'm not a PANSY, so I have only essays on my exam. (later) It's not because I'm scared of [that professor]...I'm not. He doesn't even have a man's name.
(8) CivPro Prof: Who’s Juan and why do we need a pool boy? That’s what my wife asked me the other day. We don’t even have a pool.
(7) CivPro Prof: Issue preclusion is more of a bear. We are going to wrastle that bear on Thursday. What generally happens when you wrastle a bear? That’s not a gay porn reference. I had to wash my eyes out after what I saw on Saturday Night [at the PILA auction]. I thought dirty dancing was just a movie.
(6) Contracts Prof: I only eat organic because I like to be healthy. That's why I drink a gallon of oil and eat baby bunnies for breakfast every morning. But that sounds bad, so I call it "roast lepan" when I'm talking around little Timmy. Actually, we hide far too many things from little Timmy. He's going to grow up to have serious psychological needs. But, fortunately, the med school in Grenada at least is producing great psychologists today. Timmy will have access to the help he needs.
(5) Contracts Prof: What if they put the extremely dangerous liger in a cast iron cage, surrounded by a moat stocked with Austrailian, horned-back crocodiles, and had two guards -- one with a Thompson machine gun and the other with an Uzi machine gun -- and some dude, whose life mission it is to kill ligers, manages to climb the wall, kills the two guards, jumps over the moat in a heroic whoosh, blows a hole in the cast iron cage, and, despite years of training, gets killed by the liger. Are the owners still strictly liable?
(4) Contracts Prof: You bastards! You're now selling us crappy cheap old male chickens...which are only fit for dog food! (later) On my principles, I only eat male chickens so as to increase the marginal population and so hopefully lead to more chick flourishing among the male chickens who lead a tragically short life. (later) And then some japanese dude figures out how to chicken sex and makes a fortune. (next day) I confess, I don't really know much about chicken sexing, at least not from any personal experience. Actually, I don't do much with chickens; I've only ever had one personal experience with chickens. In Kindergarten, we had an incubator project. I don't know, I guess the idea was that you take the incubator home, although I don't know why we couldn't just leave it at the classroom and plug it in over night. But you take the incubator home. And I was so excited to see the eggs hatch and have little chicks running around, male and female chickens alike, but they never hatched. You know why they never hatched? The teacher bought the eggs at the grocery store. And, that's why the eggs never hatched: because of this practice of genocide against the male chicks in the epic of chicken sexing hinted at by the case of Frigaliment v. BNS. Write that down.
(3) CivPro Prof: Sometmes I go home and want to kill myself….luckily I drink heavily…and play with my 1 year old…while drunk…cry on his shoulder a little…
(2) Contracts Prof: I've been asked about the exam and what it will cover. The technical answer is everything we've discussed, but in truth...everything since sandbox. The exam will cover everything you've ever learned since the sandbox. In short, the exam is not testing you on Contracts, it's really testing *you*. If you've learned well since the Sandbox, you'll do well. If you, personally, are not B+ material, then you just aren't. That said, don't take it personally. It's just testing you as a person.
(1) Contracts Prof: I'm not committed to corrective justice because I'm not a weird punitive FREAK. Dude! Why are you being so punitive?! All I want is big pie! That's why I HATE tort remedy! It's such a freakin' CANADIAN position! These canadians with their....Aw God! this professor has this book...the idea...Awgh!...the "Germaine of the Juridical is Corrective Justice" NO IT's NOT! It's BIG PIE! My next article is going to be titled "The Canadian Confusion". Just to annoy them, I'm going to spell Canadian and Confusion with a "K".