My Scholly Letter: Help Plealse?

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Young Marino
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My Scholly Letter: Help Plealse?

Postby Young Marino » Mon Dec 02, 2013 11:34 am

Hey so I have begun the process of scholarship negotiations with a school I am hoping to attend (Strong Regional TT) but I got a full ride scholly from a TTTT. Here is my letter as it stands now. Any corrections or comments are appreciated. Thanks!

"Good morning. I am contacting you today to inform you that I have received a hefty award amount from another university in the area. The institution I am referring to is TTTT School of Law, who has been kind enough to award $33,000 per academic year (95% of tuition cost). As you know, I have been set on attending TT Law for quite sometime but cost will play a major factor in my decision on where to attend law school. That being stated, I would like to know if there is any type of award from TT that I may qualify for given the circumstances stated above. I have attached a scanned copy of my acceptance letter from TTTT for your records. Thank you and have a great day!"

Baby_Got_Feuerbach
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Re: My Scholly Letter: Help Plealse?

Postby Baby_Got_Feuerbach » Mon Dec 02, 2013 11:44 am

Reads a little too ... what's the word ... stiff? e.g., "That being stated,..." Just say, "That said, ...." I feel the stiffness throughout the note.

Young Marino wrote:Hey so I have begun the process of scholarship negotiations with a school I am hoping to attend (Strong Regional TT) but I got a full ride scholly from a TTTT. Here is my letter as it stands now. Any corrections or comments are appreciated. Thanks!

"Good morning. I am contacting you today to inform you that I have received a hefty award amount from another university in the area. The institution I am referring to is TTTT School of Law, who has been kind enough to award $33,000 per academic year (95% of tuition cost). As you know, I have been set on attending TT Law for quite sometime but cost will play a major factor in my decision on where to attend law school. That being stated, I would like to know if there is any type of award from TT that I may qualify for given the circumstances stated above. I have attached a scanned copy of my acceptance letter from TTTT for your records. Thank you and have a great day!"

HYSenberg
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Re: My Scholly Letter: Help Plealse?

Postby HYSenberg » Mon Dec 02, 2013 11:54 am

Is it standard protocol to attach scans of all scholly offers? Seems cumbersome lol.

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midwest17
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Re: My Scholly Letter: Help Plealse?

Postby midwest17 » Mon Dec 02, 2013 11:56 am

I wouldn't attach the scan unless they ask for it. I agree that it sounds overly stiff. Also, in this case, "some time" is two words, not one.

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Young Marino
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Re: My Scholly Letter: Help Plealse?

Postby Young Marino » Mon Dec 02, 2013 12:11 pm

midwest17 wrote:I wouldn't attach the scan unless they ask for it. I agree that it sounds overly stiff. Also, in this case, "some time" is two words, not one.

They did ask for a scanned copy so I went ahead and attached it. So you guys mean too stiff as in?

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midwest17
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Re: My Scholly Letter: Help Plealse?

Postby midwest17 » Mon Dec 02, 2013 12:15 pm

Young Marino wrote:
midwest17 wrote:I wouldn't attach the scan unless they ask for it. I agree that it sounds overly stiff. Also, in this case, "some time" is two words, not one.

They did ask for a scanned copy so I went ahead and attached it. So you guys mean too stiff as in?


Overly formal, using unnecessary subordinate clauses, etc...

Pancakes12
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Re: My Scholly Letter: Help Plealse?

Postby Pancakes12 » Mon Dec 02, 2013 12:17 pm

Don't use the word "hefty"

Baby_Got_Feuerbach
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Re: My Scholly Letter: Help Plealse?

Postby Baby_Got_Feuerbach » Mon Dec 02, 2013 12:33 pm

Yeah, this. "I am contacting you today...." Duh.

How about, "Hello, As you know, I have been set on attending TT Law for many months but, in this economy with the legal market being such as it is, cost will play a major factor in my decision of where to enroll. I've been awarded a scholarship from TTTT School of Law, who has given me $33,000 per academic year (95% of tuition cost). I would like to know if there is any type of award from TT that I may be eligible to receive. I hope you're understanding of my circumstances. Best, Young Marino"

Something like that, maybe.

midwest17 wrote:
Young Marino wrote:
midwest17 wrote:I wouldn't attach the scan unless they ask for it. I agree that it sounds overly stiff. Also, in this case, "some time" is two words, not one.

They did ask for a scanned copy so I went ahead and attached it. So you guys mean too stiff as in?


Overly formal, using unnecessary subordinate clauses, etc...

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Young Marino
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Re: My Scholly Letter: Help Plealse?

Postby Young Marino » Mon Dec 02, 2013 1:16 pm

Baby_Got_Feuerbach wrote:Yeah, this. "I am contacting you today...." Duh.

How about, "Hello, As you know, I have been set on attending TT Law for many months but, in this economy with the legal market being such as it is, cost will play a major factor in my decision of where to enroll. I've been awarded a scholarship from TTTT School of Law, who has given me $33,000 per academic year (95% of tuition cost). I would like to know if there is any type of award from TT that I may be eligible to receive. I hope you're understanding of my circumstances. Best, Young Marino"

Something like that, maybe.

midwest17 wrote:
Young Marino wrote:
midwest17 wrote:I wouldn't attach the scan unless they ask for it. I agree that it sounds overly stiff. Also, in this case, "some time" is two words, not one.

They did ask for a scanned copy so I went ahead and attached it. So you guys mean too stiff as in?


Overly formal, using unnecessary subordinate clauses, etc...

Yea that actually sounds a bit better. Thanks! I'll work on it a little more and see what I can come up with but I see where you're going with that.

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banjo
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Re: My Scholly Letter: Help Plealse?

Postby banjo » Mon Dec 02, 2013 1:41 pm

How about something like this?

Dear ____ (who is the director of admissions?),

As you know, TT Law has been my top choice throughout the application process. That said, given rising tuition costs and sluggish job growth, I plan to weigh scholarships heavily in deciding where to attend.

TTTT School of Law recently offered $33,000 per academic year (totaling 95% of tuition). I have attached a copy of the scholarship letter. Would TT be able to match TTTT's offer? An increased award amount would go a long way towards making TT financially feasible for me.

Thank you,

Applicant


Yep, that's why we T6ers get paid the big bucks. Back to outlining...

PalmBay
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Re: My Scholly Letter: Help Plealse?

Postby PalmBay » Mon Dec 02, 2013 3:58 pm

I like banjo's version better, but I still think you could add a little flare to it. What you're trying to do is squeeze out a little more money from the sponge, so throw a brown-noser line in there. In the post above, starting with "as you know..." still seems a bit stiff and unconvincing.

Start with something like:
"I am writing you today with regard to financial concerns and a recent scholarship offer from another school in my consideration. I would like to first and foremost express that I am extremely honored to have been selected for a seat at TT Law under its current circumstances, as it is my unquestioned top choice."

Just throwing out ideas.

Baby_Got_Feuerbach
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Re: My Scholly Letter: Help Plealse?

Postby Baby_Got_Feuerbach » Mon Dec 02, 2013 4:31 pm

banjo's version is better and he has a head start on a great career in Doc Review :-D

PalmBay wrote:I like banjo's version better, but I still think you could add a little flare to it. What you're trying to do is squeeze out a little more money from the sponge, so throw a brown-noser line in there. In the post above, starting with "as you know..." still seems a bit stiff and unconvincing.

Start with something like:
"I am writing you today with regard to financial concerns and a recent scholarship offer from another school in my consideration. I would like to first and foremost express that I am extremely honored to have been selected for a seat at TT Law under its current circumstances, as it is my unquestioned top choice."

Just throwing out ideas.

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Young Marino
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Re: My Scholly Letter: Help Plealse?

Postby Young Marino » Mon Dec 02, 2013 4:48 pm

Baby_Got_Feuerbach wrote:banjo's version is better and he has a head start on a great career in Doc Review :-D

PalmBay wrote:I like banjo's version better, but I still think you could add a little flare to it. What you're trying to do is squeeze out a little more money from the sponge, so throw a brown-noser line in there. In the post above, starting with "as you know..." still seems a bit stiff and unconvincing.

Start with something like:
"I am writing you today with regard to financial concerns and a recent scholarship offer from another school in my consideration. I would like to first and foremost express that I am extremely honored to have been selected for a seat at TT Law under its current circumstances, as it is my unquestioned top choice."

Just throwing out ideas.

Banjo, you pretty much just negotiated for me. Thanks man lol




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