A Chinese girl needs your advice! Please !

(Applications Advice, Letters of Recommendation . . . )
mosquito
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A Chinese girl needs your advice! Please !

Postby mosquito » Fri Oct 26, 2012 12:27 am

Hi, everyone, I'm a gril from China. I don't think I'm belonging to URM group, but still I write a diversity statement. One of my Canadian friends told me that my DS sounds too strong and a bit of racism and I'd better start a new one. I want to know your opinions. How do you guys feel about my DS? Is it really that bad? I need your suggestions!! The following is my DS~

With black hair, black eyes and yellow skin, I am not very different from most of people around in Hong Kong, except for the language. Mandarin, the Chinese official language which is different from Cantonese spoken a lot in Hong Kong, exposes my identity. It means that I am from Chinese Mainland, as an “inlander” named by Hong Kong people. In Hong Kong, I do not dare to speak mandarin, as I may be labeled with many disgusting identities, for example, “locust” that means rich but rude people from Chinese Mainland who only purchase luxuries, and “girl from the North” that means a girl from Chinese Mainland providing sex service in a nightclub. No, I am neither the locust nor the girl from the North.

But, speaking mandarin brings me these insulting labels over and over. I still remember one day I stood on the sidewalk, calling up my mom with mandarin, later several men walked around me. They spoke poor mandarin and asked “Hey, chick, how much?” I was so scared and cried for a long time. I don’t understand why I come to this place where it belongs to China but the people with Chinese faces here discriminate Chinese, and prefer to be the British. Yes, they are preconceived to treat their own compatriots, the Chinese from the Mainland. To escape from the discrimination, I began to speak English in public places, no matter in a supermarket or a hotel. I tried to use language to obscure my identity, and I tried hard to let others take me as a Japanese or South Korean.

However, a business trip to Teheran completely changed my perception. At the beginning of this year, a business trip to Teheran was accessible for my project team. Before departure, I was very worried about the safety. In my mind, Iran was the country full of terrorists and extreme Islamists. And it was not until I experienced a lot in Teheran that I realized how stupid I was.

On the day we arrived at Teheran, a lot of Teheran women were demonstrating peacefully. Local people told me that the women demanded to abolish a law that in Islamism, women must wear turbans, because they thought the law was unenlightened to suppress their freedom for beauty. In addition, I found there were many TOEFL training billboards beside streets in Teheran. Feeling surprised, I asked a local person:” why is there TOEFL training? Don’t you hate America? ” However, this Teheran young man answered me in English:” No, most of us don’t hate America, conversely, we appreciate this country; we don’t understand why Americans hate us. The Ahmadinejad’s government cannot represent our opinions, we are eager to go to America and learn advanced civilization.” I heard that and thought about what I saw in Teheran, suddenly, I realized I was preconceived to treat them, just as the Hong Kong people are preconceived to treat me. It seems that I made the same mistake carelessly. I never contacted with any Iranian before, but I labeled them with “terrorism” or “radicalism” that was labeled by media.

A sage said that “what we see governs what we think”. People’s eyes are instinctively narrow. If you don’t experience by yourself, how can you get the reality? We thought we could understand the whole world through Internet, but in fact, what we see are pictures carefully selected by political organizations and media. So to speak, we are actually persons of narrow view. When I returned to Hong Kong, I began to tolerate the discrimination, and I would not obscure my identity. I began to show pictures and texts of Chinese Mainland to my Hong Kong friends in Facebook, and liberally speak Mandarin in metro instead of English, and tell the pregnant and the old in Mandarin that you can sit down on my position.

For my upcoming study life in America, I don’t know whether I will be discriminated or not as a Chinese, for example, labeled with “rude”, “bad hygiene” or “dishonesty” that is criticized by Romney in his president campaign. But, I will no longer pretend to be a Japanese or South Korean, oppositely, I am so brave and confident to contact with my schoolmates, professors, even everyone lived in America as a Chinese. I will tell them the long history of Eastern civilization, and show them a polite, environment-caring and honest Chinese girl. I think, at some moment, they may realize like I did that we cannot understand this world by Internet only, we must experience and contact to get the reality. I will let more schoolmates feel a diverse China from myself. I believe, this will be my contribution to the diversity of ** University.

mosquito
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Re: A Chinese girl needs your advice! Please !

Postby mosquito » Fri Oct 26, 2012 12:35 am

I really really need your help :cry:

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Tom Joad
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Re: A Chinese girl needs your advice! Please !

Postby Tom Joad » Fri Oct 26, 2012 12:41 am

If you have a friend who is a really good English writer I would sit down with them and start from scratch. The theme may not be bad, but the writing needs a lot of work. Sorry to be harsh, just trying to help.

Four Ten
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Re: A Chinese girl needs your advice! Please !

Postby Four Ten » Fri Oct 26, 2012 12:45 am

Tom Joad wrote:If you have a friend who is a really good English writer I would sit down with them and start from scratch. The theme may not be bad, but the writing needs a lot of work. Sorry to be harsh, just trying to help.


I agree. There are some kernels in here - for example, I'm not Chinese, so it's interesting to learn a little about the dynamics between Cantonese and Mandarin speakers in China today. But whatever good ideas you have are really obscured by inartful language.

Also, I appreciate your honesty about how you felt during your experiences in Hong Kong, and I get that the whole point of the statement is that you have changed your views, but your explanation of your old views don't really make you seem sympathetic at all.

mosquito
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Re: A Chinese girl needs your advice! Please !

Postby mosquito » Fri Oct 26, 2012 12:51 am

Tom Joad wrote:If you have a friend who is a really good English writer I would sit down with them and start from scratch. The theme may not be bad, but the writing needs a lot of work. Sorry to be harsh, just trying to help.


I appreciate your reply~I agree with you that my writing is bad...But do you think the theme is acceptable?

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Tom Joad
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Re: A Chinese girl needs your advice! Please !

Postby Tom Joad » Fri Oct 26, 2012 12:53 am

mosquito wrote:
Tom Joad wrote:If you have a friend who is a really good English writer I would sit down with them and start from scratch. The theme may not be bad, but the writing needs a lot of work. Sorry to be harsh, just trying to help.


I appreciate your reply~I agree with you that my writing is bad...But do you think the theme is acceptable?

Parts of it. I think it can be good to show your experiences with other cultures, but don't try to make their people sound bad or make yourself sounds bad. You want to sound like you love everybody.

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dingbat
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Re: A Chinese girl needs your advice! Please !

Postby dingbat » Fri Oct 26, 2012 12:55 am

mosquito wrote:
Tom Joad wrote:If you have a friend who is a really good English writer I would sit down with them and start from scratch. The theme may not be bad, but the writing needs a lot of work. Sorry to be harsh, just trying to help.


I appreciate your reply~I agree with you that my writing is bad...But do you think the theme is acceptable?

It's a good diversity theme: you were a minority back home, you're well-traveled (very few applicants can list iran), it stresses that you're international, and it shows how you've grown as a person with regards to diversity.

But please start over, the writing is not good

mosquito
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Re: A Chinese girl needs your advice! Please !

Postby mosquito » Fri Oct 26, 2012 12:58 am

Four Ten wrote:
Tom Joad wrote:If you have a friend who is a really good English writer I would sit down with them and start from scratch. The theme may not be bad, but the writing needs a lot of work. Sorry to be harsh, just trying to help.


I agree. There are some kernels in here - for example, I'm not Chinese, so it's interesting to learn a little about the dynamics between Cantonese and Mandarin speakers in China today. But whatever good ideas you have are really obscured by inartful language.

Also, I appreciate your honesty about how you felt during your experiences in Hong Kong, and I get that the whole point of the statement is that you have changed your views, but your explanation of your old views don't really make you seem sympathetic at all.


Do you think law school admission panels accept the idea about Iran?? I don't know much about how you Americans feel about Iran~

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dingbat
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Re: A Chinese girl needs your advice! Please !

Postby dingbat » Fri Oct 26, 2012 12:59 am

mosquito wrote:Do you think law school admission panels accept the idea about Iran?? I don't know much about how you Americans feel about Iran~

Yes - it tells them exactly what they want to believe

Four Ten
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Re: A Chinese girl needs your advice! Please !

Postby Four Ten » Fri Oct 26, 2012 1:09 am

mosquito wrote:
Four Ten wrote:
Tom Joad wrote:If you have a friend who is a really good English writer I would sit down with them and start from scratch. The theme may not be bad, but the writing needs a lot of work. Sorry to be harsh, just trying to help.


I agree. There are some kernels in here - for example, I'm not Chinese, so it's interesting to learn a little about the dynamics between Cantonese and Mandarin speakers in China today. But whatever good ideas you have are really obscured by inartful language.

Also, I appreciate your honesty about how you felt during your experiences in Hong Kong, and I get that the whole point of the statement is that you have changed your views, but your explanation of your old views don't really make you seem sympathetic at all.


Do you think law school admission panels accept the idea about Iran?? I don't know much about how you Americans feel about Iran~


Yes. Contrary to what the Iranians in your story believed, not all Americans hate Iranians. And again, Americans don't get to travel to Iran, so this is another experience you have that's very interesting.

mosquito
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Re: A Chinese girl needs your advice! Please !

Postby mosquito » Fri Oct 26, 2012 1:12 am

dingbat wrote:
mosquito wrote:
Tom Joad wrote:If you have a friend who is a really good English writer I would sit down with them and start from scratch. The theme may not be bad, but the writing needs a lot of work. Sorry to be harsh, just trying to help.


I appreciate your reply~I agree with you that my writing is bad...But do you think the theme is acceptable?

It's a good diversity theme: you were a minority back home, you're well-traveled (very few applicants can list iran), it stresses that you're international, and it shows how you've grown as a person with regards to diversity.

But please start over, the writing is not good


dingbat, thanks for your feedback. I will start over asap. My friend told me not to make a comment on US politics. He means that I should not talk about the relation between Iran and America. But i think it is an important part of my DS becasue it explains how my idea changed~ so what you think think about this part?

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Tom Joad
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Re: A Chinese girl needs your advice! Please !

Postby Tom Joad » Fri Oct 26, 2012 1:22 am

If you basically say, "I was surprised at how progressive Iran was compared to what I had read beforehand," nobody will think that is bad and you can make it sound like personal growth and learning.

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bettercallsaul91
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Re: A Chinese girl needs your advice! Please !

Postby bettercallsaul91 » Fri Oct 26, 2012 1:37 am

I second ^ Tom Joad.

I thought it was fascinating and very well written - one of my favorites from this forum so far. I love the first two paragraphs. You deal with a lot of complex issues and show that you are capable of seeing from different perspectives, as well as questioning your own. I don't think you need to start over from scratch. Just have someone go over some of the grammar and word choices with you, and focus revision on the part about Iran. Great job. Good luck on the rest of your application.

mosquito
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Re: A Chinese girl needs your advice! Please !

Postby mosquito » Fri Oct 26, 2012 1:52 am

bettercallsaul91 wrote:I second ^ Tom Joad.

I thought it was fascinating and very well written - one of my favorites from this forum so far. I love the first two paragraphs. You deal with a lot of complex issues and show that you are capable of seeing from different perspectives, as well as questioning your own. I don't think you need to start over from scratch. Just have someone go over some of the grammar and word choices with you, and focus revision on the part about Iran. Great job. Good luck on the rest of your application.


wow...thanks for your appreciation!!will work harder and submit a better one!!!!

WhiskeynCoke
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Re: A Chinese girl needs your advice! Please !

Postby WhiskeynCoke » Fri Oct 26, 2012 2:58 pm

Get a friend who is a native speaker and also a good english writer to help you rewrite this. DO NOT submit a poorly written diversity statement. Actually, don't submit a poorly written ANYTHING. Rather than highlighting your diversity sending this statement will auto-ding you because of consistent grammatical errors. Writing skills are of the UTMOST IMPORTANCE to law schools and are one of the factors that can immediately disqualify you from consideration, even with great numbers. Lawyers write for a living and this needs to be WAAAAAY sharper.

mosquito
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Re: A Chinese girl needs your advice! Please !

Postby mosquito » Sat Oct 27, 2012 1:29 am

WhiskeynCoke wrote:Get a friend who is a native speaker and also a good english writer to help you rewrite this. DO NOT submit a poorly written diversity statement. Actually, don't submit a poorly written ANYTHING. Rather than highlighting your diversity sending this statement will auto-ding you because of consistent grammatical errors. Writing skills are of the UTMOST IMPORTANCE to law schools and are one of the factors that can immediately disqualify you from consideration, even with great numbers. Lawyers write for a living and this needs to be WAAAAAY sharper.


thanks WhiskeynCoke. a really harsh but helpful comment~

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defdef
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Re: A Chinese girl needs your advice! Please !

Postby defdef » Sat Oct 27, 2012 10:29 am

agreed that you need to fix the grammatical errors and tighten it up a little, but overall it is well structured and written. it is much more interesting that most PS/DS i've read (including my own)

mosquito
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Re: A Chinese girl needs your advice! Please !

Postby mosquito » Sat Oct 27, 2012 11:45 pm

defdef wrote:agreed that you need to fix the grammatical errors and tighten it up a little, but overall it is well structured and written. it is much more interesting that most PS/DS i've read (including my own)


thanks defdef. u have a great lsat score, so i guess you can get in some good schools!

mosquito
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Re: A Chinese girl needs your advice! Please !

Postby mosquito » Tue Oct 30, 2012 3:39 am

hi everyone, the following is the revised diversity statement!! what do you think of this one? do you think the racism tone has been changed or not???? how should i make a further improvement??any feedback will be appreciated!!

My physical features do not differentiate me from most people in Hong Kong. However, the language is another story. Mandarin exposes my identity as a mainlander. When I first came to Cantonese-speaking Hong Kong, I did not dare use Mandarin for fear of being labeled with many derogatory identities, such as “locust,” a rich, rude person from the Chinese Mainland who is obsessed with purchasing luxury goods, and “girl from the North,” a mainlander who gets by as a sex worker.

A few months ago, I was standing on the sidewalk, calling my mother, speaking Mandarin. After I hung up, several men walked around me and asked in poor Mandarin, “Hey, chick, how much?” This incident brought on great fear. I began to question my decision to come to this place. Though technically in China, the locals tend to be prejudiced against their compatriots from the mainland, even preferring to be considered British. To escape the discrimination, I began to speak English in public places to obscure my identity, and I put on airs to let others think of me as Japanese or South Korean.

However, a trip to Teheran earlier this year completely changed my perspective. Before departure, I was very worried about my safety. In my mind, Iran was a country associated with terrorists and extreme Islamists. It was not until I actually went to Teheran that I realized how ignorant I had been.

Upon arriving at Teheran, we saw women demonstrating peacefully. I was told that they were calling for the abolishment of an Islamic law that required them to wear veils, because they felt that the law suppressed their right to express themselves freely. Furthermore, I saw many TOEFL training billboards on Teheran streets. Surprised, I asked a young man in English, “Why is there TOEFL training? Don’t you hate America?”

He answered, “No, most of us don’t hate America. Conversely, we appreciate this country; we don’t understand why Americans hate us. The Ahmadinejad’s government cannot represent our opinions, we are eager to go to America and learn advanced civilization.”
I mulled over his words and thought about what I had seen. I realized I was myself prejudiced against the Iranians, just as the Hong Kong people are prejudiced against me; I had carelessly made the same mistake. Although I had never been in contact with any Iranian before, I automatically labeled them with “terrorism” or “radicalism,” influenced by the media.

A sage once said that what we see governs what we think. People’s eyes are instinctively narrow. If they do not experience the world themselves, how can they grasp reality? We seem to believe that we can understand the whole world through the Internet, but in fact, what we see are pictures carefully selected by political organizations and the media.

When I returned to Hong Kong, I began to tolerate the discrimination and stopped obscuring my identity. I liberally spoke Mandarin on the metro instead of English.

For my upcoming academic career in America, I am unsure if my nationality will be a point for discrimination. Will I be labeled “rude,” “dishonest,” or someone with “bad hygiene,” as Romney said in his presidential campaign? However, I will no longer pretend to be Japanese or South Korean. I will uphold my Chinese heritage to my schoolmates, professors, and everyone I meet in America. I will represent the long history of Eastern civilization, and show them a polite, honest Chinese woman who stands up for her beliefs. I think, eventually, those with closed minds may realize as I did. I will expose my schoolmates to a diverse China with talents, knowledge, and skills unique to myself. I believe at this will be my contribution to the diversity of ** University.

onionskin
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Re: A Chinese girl needs your advice! Please !

Postby onionskin » Fri Nov 16, 2012 12:27 am

I PM'd you some of my thoughts. I don't know if you get notifications.

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SemperLegal
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Re: A Chinese girl needs your advice! Please !

Postby SemperLegal » Fri Nov 16, 2012 12:42 am

I think you had a very provocative and interesting statement, however some quick points:

1. Some of your diction and phrasing is not correct. There are probably a lot better proofreaders than me for that, especially if you work in an office that has a lot of travel.

2. A few connotations were off as well. Instead of saying you were "stupid" I think you would be better off with "foolish" or "mistaken." Stupid has a bit of a deeper, wider connotation and if read in the wrong light can give a self-deprecating sense that might not be helpful.

3. Leave out the Romney line. Its never a good idea to be political if you can avoid it. It brings out the worst in people.

4. I think the Iran section is by far the most interesting part and it is going to go over very well.

mosquito
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Re: A Chinese girl needs your advice! Please !

Postby mosquito » Fri Nov 16, 2012 11:15 am

SemperLegal wrote:I think you had a very provocative and interesting statement, however some quick points:

1. Some of your diction and phrasing is not correct. There are probably a lot better proofreaders than me for that, especially if you work in an office that has a lot of travel.

2. A few connotations were off as well. Instead of saying you were "stupid" I think you would be better off with "foolish" or "mistaken." Stupid has a bit of a deeper, wider connotation and if read in the wrong light can give a self-deprecating sense that might not be helpful.

3. Leave out the Romney line. Its never a good idea to be political if you can avoid it. It brings out the worst in people.

4. I think the Iran section is by far the most interesting part and it is going to go over very well.

Hey, really thanks for your useful advice. I'm working on the final draft of diversity statement. I definitely will incorporate your ideas into the new version. Thanks again!




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