Addendum help!

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k070047
Posts: 10
Joined: Wed Aug 22, 2012 1:51 am

Addendum help!

Postby k070047 » Wed Sep 19, 2012 1:11 am

Hi, i am an international applicant.
Please give me your thought on my first draft of "study interrupted explanation" below.
Are these good reason for take off? Is this too long? Any grammar mistake? Awkward sentence?
Any comments will be helpful.

===============================
I took a total of four semesters off during my undergraduate years. I was obsessed with snowboarding during the two-month stay in Wanaka, New Zealand, where I stayed with my friends for the snowboarding training camp in 2011. I voluntarily took the fall semester off in 2011 to work as a part-time worker and saved up money for the upcoming winter. With the money I earned from working as a private mathematics and English tutor for the high school students, I was able to cover all my living costs as well as spend the majority of my time on the slope. My efforts paid off when I won the 3rd place in Women’s Half-Pipe in the 3rd N*** Snowboard Championship in January 2002. I then advanced to the semi-final stage with 40 other competitors for Women’s Slope Style in the 1st H**** Snowboard Championship in February 2002. Currently I am a certified K*** Level I snowboard instructor since April 2002

To prepare for the annually taken ****[my country] Bar Examination, I took another three semesters off in my junior and senior years of the undergraduate study. Most of the elective law courses I had to take in my junior and senior years required considerable amount of time and efforts to research and prepare for the in-depth discussions and seminars. I decided to concentrate on the Bar Exam through preparation of the multiple choice and essay questions. With selection and focus, I managed to pass the preliminary stage of the Bar Exam in February 2004, with a 4.0/4.5 GPA for the last four semesters.

================================

And another question.

In Cornell application form, there is a space for explanation (max characters 500) in Education part(Question 7.5) and if I answer yes to that question that my education was interrupted, optional essay is also required through an electronic attachment. Do I have to explain circumstances both in application form and optional essay? What's the difference?
Last edited by k070047 on Wed Sep 19, 2012 1:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

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The Platypus
Posts: 48
Joined: Fri Jul 27, 2012 8:59 pm

Re: Addumdum help!

Postby The Platypus » Wed Sep 19, 2012 1:33 am

k070047 wrote:
===============================
I took a total of four semesters off during my undergraduate years. I was obsessed with snowboarding during my two-month stay in Wanaka, New Zealand, where I stayed with my friends for snowboarding training camp in 2011. I voluntarily took the fall semester off in 2011 to work part-time and saved up money for the upcoming winter. With the money I earned from working as a private mathematics and English tutor for high school students, I was able to cover all my living costs as well as spend the majority of my time on the slopes. My efforts paid off when I won 3rd place in Women’s Half-Pipe in the 3rd N*** Snowboard Championship in January 2002. I then advanced to the semi-final stage with 40 other competitors for Women’s Slope Style in the 1st H**** Snowboard Championship in February 2002. Currently I am a certified K*** Level I snowboard instructor since April 2002

To prepare for the annual ****[my country] Bar Examination, I took another three semesters off in my junior and senior years of undergraduate study. Most of the elective law courses I had to take in my junior and senior years required considerable amount of time and effort to research and prepare for in-depth discussions and seminars. I decided to concentrate on the Bar Exam through preparation for the multiple choice and essay questions. With determination and focus, I managed to pass the preliminary stage of the Bar Exam in February 2004, with a 4.0/4.5 GPA for the last four semesters.

================================


I took out some unnecessary 'the's and switched some prepositions. I don't know the answer to your Cornell question.

k070047
Posts: 10
Joined: Wed Aug 22, 2012 1:51 am

Re: Addumdum help!

Postby k070047 » Wed Sep 19, 2012 1:56 am

Thanks platypus! :D

The Platypus wrote:
k070047 wrote:
===============================
I took a total of four semesters off during my undergraduate years. I was obsessed with snowboarding during my two-month stay in Wanaka, New Zealand, where I stayed with my friends for snowboarding training camp in 2011. I voluntarily took the fall semester off in 2011 to work part-time and saved up money for the upcoming winter. With the money I earned from working as a private mathematics and English tutor for high school students, I was able to cover all my living costs as well as spend the majority of my time on the slopes. My efforts paid off when I won 3rd place in Women’s Half-Pipe in the 3rd N*** Snowboard Championship in January 2002. I then advanced to the semi-final stage with 40 other competitors for Women’s Slope Style in the 1st H**** Snowboard Championship in February 2002. Currently I am a certified K*** Level I snowboard instructor since April 2002

To prepare for the annual ****[my country] Bar Examination, I took another three semesters off in my junior and senior years of undergraduate study. Most of the elective law courses I had to take in my junior and senior years required considerable amount of time and effort to research and prepare for in-depth discussions and seminars. I decided to concentrate on the Bar Exam through preparation for the multiple choice and essay questions. With determination and focus, I managed to pass the preliminary stage of the Bar Exam in February 2004, with a 4.0/4.5 GPA for the last four semesters.

================================


I took out some unnecessary 'the's and switched some prepositions. I don't know the answer to your Cornell question.

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Crowing
Posts: 2636
Joined: Fri Feb 10, 2012 4:20 pm

Re: Addendum help!

Postby Crowing » Wed Sep 19, 2012 12:32 pm

I took a total of four semesters off during my undergraduate years. I was obsessed with [rephrase this with different words; "obsessed" has negative connotations] snowboarding during my two-month stay in Wanaka, New Zealand, where I stayed with my friends for snowboarding training camp in 2011. I voluntarily took the fall semester off in 2011 to work part-time and saved [to save] up money for the upcoming winter. With the money I earned from working as a private mathematics and English tutor for high school students, I was able to cover all my living costs as well as spend the majority of my time on the slopes. My efforts paid off when I won 3rd place in Women’s Half-Pipe in the 3rd N*** Snowboard Championship in January 2002. I then advanced to the semi-final stage with 40 other competitors for Women’s Slope Style in the 1st H**** Snowboard Championship in February 2002. Currently I am a certified K*** Level I snowboard instructor since April 2002

To prepare for the annual ****[my country] Bar Examination, I took another three semesters off in my junior and senior years of undergraduate study. Most of the elective law courses I had to take in my junior and senior years required considerable amount [amounts] of time and effort to research and prepare for in-depth discussions and seminars. I decided to concentrate on the Bar Exam through preparation for the multiple choice and essay questions. With determination and focus, I managed to pass the preliminary stage of the Bar Exam in February 2004, with a 4.0/4.5 GPA for the last four semesters.


I'm a little bit confused by your dates. Did you put random ones in for anonymity purposes? You cite 2011 as being when you took time off for snowboarding, but write that your efforts "paid off" in 2002 when you placed in championships.

k070047
Posts: 10
Joined: Wed Aug 22, 2012 1:51 am

Re: Addendum help!

Postby k070047 » Wed Sep 19, 2012 9:01 pm

Thank you for your comments, crowing!

Re tiemline, see below.

2001 June & July - Snowboarding in Wanaka, NZ
2001 Fall semester (Sep2011~Dec2011) - took off (work part time to save money)
2001 Winter season (Nov2011~Feb 2012) - Snowboarding in my country
2002 April - Awarded instructor certificate (passed test in Feb 2012)

Any idea to avoid confusion?


Crowing wrote:
I took a total of four semesters off during my undergraduate years. I was obsessed with [rephrase this with different words; "obsessed" has negative connotations] snowboarding during my two-month stay in Wanaka, New Zealand, where I stayed with my friends for snowboarding training camp in 2011. I voluntarily took the fall semester off in 2011 to work part-time and saved [to save] up money for the upcoming winter. With the money I earned from working as a private mathematics and English tutor for high school students, I was able to cover all my living costs as well as spend the majority of my time on the slopes. My efforts paid off when I won 3rd place in Women’s Half-Pipe in the 3rd N*** Snowboard Championship in January 2002. I then advanced to the semi-final stage with 40 other competitors for Women’s Slope Style in the 1st H**** Snowboard Championship in February 2002. Currently I am a certified K*** Level I snowboard instructor since April 2002

To prepare for the annual ****[my country] Bar Examination, I took another three semesters off in my junior and senior years of undergraduate study. Most of the elective law courses I had to take in my junior and senior years required considerable amount [amounts] of time and effort to research and prepare for in-depth discussions and seminars. I decided to concentrate on the Bar Exam through preparation for the multiple choice and essay questions. With determination and focus, I managed to pass the preliminary stage of the Bar Exam in February 2004, with a 4.0/4.5 GPA for the last four semesters.


I'm a little bit confused by your dates. Did you put random ones in for anonymity purposes? You cite 2011 as being when you took time off for snowboarding, but write that your efforts "paid off" in 2002 when you placed in championships.




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