Need feedback on PS

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kjohnso3
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Jul 23, 2012 1:27 pm

Need feedback on PS

Postby kjohnso3 » Mon Jul 23, 2012 10:27 pm

Hi everyone. Can I get some feedback on my personal statement?



My life changed in June of 2008 when I was awoken by a phone call with an Ohio area code. I first began my political career in February of 2008 with volunteering with the Barack Obama team during the Texas Primary. Little did I know, my hard work to organize Austin had gotten me recognized by the national team.
I picked up the phone; "This is Katy" I answered a bit confused as to who was on the other side. "Good Morning Katy, this is Brynne from the Ohio for Obama Campaign. I'd like to offer you a position on Senator Barack Obama's field team here in Ohio." And like that, I took the plunge into a new world I had never been in before. At 20 years old, I hugged my mom and dad goodbye and drove up to Cleveland, Ohio to work for then Senator Barack Obama's campaign for President.
It wasn't that I was living outside Texas for the first time and jumping into a tireless work environment or staying up late doing homework to send to my professor so I could receive college credit, but it was the characteristics that working on a campaign brought out that existed inside me my whole life. Three words: adaptability, independence and perseverance became the characteristics that defined who I was. Since 2008, I have applied these three characteristics to every aspect of my life; whether it be in my professional and academic career or in my personal life, I have done what I can to become fiercely independent and show tireless endurance to any challenge presented to me.
When I returned to Texas in November of 2008, I came back renewed, ready to face anything in front of me and correct weaknesses that could hold me back, such as my first year as an undergraduate. In my first year as an undergraduate, I found myself lost in the classroom, as the grades which have left their visible scars on my transcript. But as someone who is unwavering in her dedication to hard work, I joined many study groups, attended every test review, and drove my professors crazy by visiting every office hours opportunity available. In fact, I'm convinced there was at least one professor who reduced his office hours schedule to avoid me going over yet another assignment. And as a result of my endurance and dedication, I graduated with a GPA I could be proud of, as my GPA improved from a 1.33 my first semester to a 3.1.
Upon graduation, 2010, like so many other undergraduates, I found myself yet again thrown out into real world, waiting tables at the local Chili's Bar and Grill but hopeful that a job opportunity was around the corner. I had stuffed my resume full of internships and extracurricular so I would be a viable candidate in the jobs market. So of course, regardless of the economy, I would get a job with no problem. Over 150 applications, resumes and cover letters later, I was offered my first position as a Legislative Director with a State Representative within the Texas House; even though I had very little training in drafting and vetting legislation. Regardless of my lack of experience, I learned to adapt and pick up the legislative process as quickly as possible. In a matter of weeks, I put a team in place and established new systems that allowed us to pass more bills than any other of the 150 members of the Legislature and while facing the challenges of billions in budgets cuts and political stalemate.
As a candidate to your law school, I could tell you about my resume and why that makes me a viable candidate to your law school, or I could write about what kind of law I would like to practice. But you have seen my resume, and let's be honest, the chances of me knowing what type of law I'm going to practice will probably change over the course of law school.
The truth is and what I hope you will walk away with is that I've been training for law school since I was able to say, "Mom it's just not fair"; which is why she's told me throughout the years I would make a great lawyer. My experiences in college and my career choices have helped me hone the skills I need to get through law school; but more importantly my experiences have proven and sharpened the characteristics I have which are necessary for survival in law school. It is my endurance, my refusal to give up and ability to adapt to any situation which makes me a viable candidate to your law school; for it is these characteristics that (blank law school) not only teach but possess as well.

bobbyh1919
Posts: 560
Joined: Fri Nov 11, 2011 9:40 pm

Re: Need feedback on PS

Postby bobbyh1919 » Mon Jul 23, 2012 10:51 pm

This needs some work. What's the theme here? You worked for Obama, and actually moved across the country to do so. Okay that's pretty cool. Then you come home, you work as a waiter, you work for another campaign in Texas. This really is just a resume, despite the fact that you say how you won't just reiterate your resume. There are some good experiences here, but pick one or two (I would certainly suggest the political ones as they are pretty cool) and stick with them. Then demonstrate how your experiences have led you to law school (the whole thing with your mother saying how great of a lawyer you'd be needs to get scrapped).

Also, you really need to tighten this up grammatically. There are just too many run on sentences and too many fragmented thoughts.

You have the advantage of having had some great life experiences at a young age and I'm sure you're very qualified to go to law school. Make sure that shines through more clearly and you'll be on your way to a good PS. Best of luck.

thederangedwang
Posts: 1124
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: Need feedback on PS

Postby thederangedwang » Mon Jul 23, 2012 11:16 pm

This is not a good topic at all. I mean, why would you write about working with a dictator as your topic?

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Emma.
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Joined: Sun Oct 05, 2008 7:57 pm

Re: Need feedback on PS

Postby Emma. » Mon Jul 23, 2012 11:19 pm

Sorry OP, but this is a pretty awful PS.

bobbyh1919
Posts: 560
Joined: Fri Nov 11, 2011 9:40 pm

Re: Need feedback on PS

Postby bobbyh1919 » Mon Jul 23, 2012 11:33 pm

Emma. wrote:Sorry OP, but this is a pretty awful PS.


I was trying to be more tactful, but this is fair too.

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Yukos
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Re: Need feedback on PS

Postby Yukos » Tue Jul 24, 2012 12:30 am

Emma. wrote:Sorry OP, but this is a pretty awful PS.


This is really unnecessary.

OP: This topic is overbroad. As bobbyh said, you really want to take one seminal event in your life and tell that story. I'm gonna guess you have some cool story from working for Obama -- connecting with someone completely different than you, working as a team, celebrating a victory that you were an integral part of, something along those lines. Let the story show us why you'd be a great law student, because you're dedicated, or empathetic, or brilliant or whatever.

But honestly I've written a bunch of different versions of my PS about totally different things. I think picking the topic is the hardest part. You have one idea here, try to sketch out a couple more and see what grabs you the most.

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PourMeTea
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Post removed.

Postby PourMeTea » Tue Jul 24, 2012 2:35 am

Post removed.
Last edited by PourMeTea on Fri May 08, 2015 12:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

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paratactical
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Joined: Wed Feb 04, 2009 1:06 pm

Re: Need feedback on PS

Postby paratactical » Tue Jul 24, 2012 2:52 am

kjohnso3 wrote:It wasn't that I was living outside Texas for the first time, jumping into a tireless work environment, or staying up late doing homework to send to my professor so I could receive college credit that solidified the adaptability, independence and perseverance that became the characteristics that defined who I was. It was a phone call from an Ohio area code that set me on the path to discover these things about myself and about what I hope my future will hold.

I spent the summer of 2008 working in Cleveland, Ohio as part of Obama's presidential campaign. [INSERT - need brief story about campaign work, hopefully a particular moment that can be distilled into 3-5 sentences showing what you did, why you enjoyed it, and why you believe it mattered]

After returning to Texas and to my undergraduate university, I found myself instilled with a new-found work ethic that allowed me to transform my college experience. Even with my improved college performance, I, like so many other recent college graduates, found myself employed in a low paying job that did not utilize my degree or experience.

Rather than concede my goals, I remained diligent in my pursuit and obtained a position as a Legislative Director with a State Representative within the Texas House. Despite my minimal training in drafting and vetting legislation, I learned to adapt and pick up the process as quickly as possible. In a matter of weeks, I put a team in place and established new systems that allowed us to pass more bills than any other of the 150 members of the Legislature and while facing the challenges of billions in budgets cuts and political stalemate. [INSERT - while this is okay, passing lots of bills isn't necessarily the proof-positive of good work that you make it out to be. You'd be better off talking about a specific bill you had real passion for and then mentioning that you worked on XXX other bills that were before the Congress, XX of which passed]

My experiences have proven and sharpened the characteristics I have which are necessary for success in law school and the legal profession. It is my endurance, my refusal to give up and ability to adapt to any situation which makes me a viable candidate for the profession and it is these characteristics that I believe I can learn to expand at nurture at [INSERT - law school name].


If I wanted to salvage this, the above is about where I'd start. Hopefully one of the two major insert sections would give you what should actually be the focus of this.

shock259
Posts: 1737
Joined: Tue Jan 19, 2010 2:30 am

Re: Need feedback on PS

Postby shock259 » Tue Jul 24, 2012 3:06 am

As others have said, this needs a theme. There's no connection to law. I think your Obama story could work out well, but you need to spin it more to relate it to la school.

Tone is too informal.

Also, you are telling instead of showing. Your 3 words is a good example. Instead of telling us that you use those words in life, show us. The bad grades in undergrad are a decent start, but the tone is a bit informal. Also, it may send up red flags if you were struggling that much in undergrad (no offense).

Sentences are clunky.

So, I think you could have something here. But narrow it down, focus on one thing, and tie to law school. And then rewrite and clean it all up.

JohnV
Posts: 279
Joined: Sat Jan 02, 2010 8:29 am

Re: Need feedback on PS

Postby JohnV » Tue Jul 24, 2012 10:24 am

thederangedwang wrote:This is not a good topic at all. I mean, why would you write about working with a dictator as your topic?


That actually sounds like a pretty bad ass PS.




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