Please read and critique my LOCI !!!

(Applications Advice, Letters of Recommendation . . . )
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3v3ryth1ng
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Please read and critique my LOCI !!!

Postby 3v3ryth1ng » Mon Apr 23, 2012 5:40 am

Does it flow? Do you notice any egregious errors? Is there anything you'd add/omit? General comments? Please let me know.

Also, I'm mailing this tomorrow. Should I e-mail it as well, or would that piss off adcomms?

Thanks!

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Dear Ms. XXX,

I am writing to reaffirm my interest in attending XXX School of Law. After visiting the campus, speaking with Mr. A, and observing professor B’s class, I am certain that I would be a valuable addition to your student body. XXX School of Law is my preferred choice among law schools, and if were I offered admission, I would absolutely accept.

As English Department Chair of a new school, I have had quite an eventful year. I led my department through several collaborative projects, including the creation of our new SAT preparation program and a plan to align our courses with the upcoming national academic standards. Next month, I will stage our fourth annual talent show, sponsor a field trip, and guide novice teachers in preparing students for state tests. This, of course, is in addition to my regular duties as an English teacher.

However, I recognize that my accomplishments do not exist in isolation from the efforts of my colleagues. In many ways, a school is like a team, and its success is contingent upon the ability of all stakeholders- administrators, teachers, and students- to collaborate effectively.

I believe that XXX Law has assembled a fantastic team. The students I spoke with were positive and enthusiastic about their roles in establishing the school. During Professor B’s legal analysis class, they appeared comfortable taking intellectual risks, both in front of each other, and in front of Professor B. Never did I sense the toxic or “cutthroat” competition law school is infamous for. I also noticed that Mr. A greeted each person he saw by name. This type of personal connection between administrators and students was not present at any other law school I visited. I left with the impression that students feel safe expressing themselves, and that the administration genuinely values student input.

Additionally, XXX Law’s faculty has performed exceptionally in supporting its students as professionals. Because I plan to practice public interest law in Clementine County, I appreciate that XXX Law offers a broad range of relevant experiential learning opportunities. I am especially impressed with XXX’s pro bono program. Given my base of professional knowledge, opportunities such as the Education Rights Project and Expungement Clinics provide great avenues for utilizing my prior experience. The fact that most students participate in the pro bono program is testament to XXX’s culture of academic excellence and professional growth.

Were I to attend XXX Law, I would work to strengthen this culture. I would approach XXX Law with the same constructive attitude with which I helped to build Leeroy Jenkins High School for the last four years. I remain hopeful that you will invite me to join your team, and I eagerly await your response.

Thank you again for taking the time to consider my application. I would also like to thank Mr. A for providing a tour of the campus, professor B for allowing me to observe his class, and the many friendly students who answered questions during my visit.

Warm regards,



The Trololol Guy

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JoeMo
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Re: Please read and critique my LOCI !!!

Postby JoeMo » Mon Apr 23, 2012 9:59 am

I think it's really good. Sounds honest, lists accomplishments, expresses real interest. Well done.

bmore
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Re: Please read and critique my LOCI !!!

Postby bmore » Mon Apr 23, 2012 10:08 am

I would leave this out:

"Never did I sense the toxic or “cutthroat” competition law school is infamous for."

I would focus on the positive without being negative.

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JoeMo
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Re: Please read and critique my LOCI !!!

Postby JoeMo » Mon Apr 23, 2012 10:13 am

bmore wrote:I would leave this out:

"Never did I sense the toxic or “cutthroat” competition law school is infamous for."

I would focus on the positive without being negative.


I didn't see it as negative upon first reading it but this is solid advice.

bp shinners
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Re: Please read and critique my LOCI !!!

Postby bp shinners » Mon Apr 23, 2012 2:25 pm

3v3ryth1ng wrote:After visiting the campus, speaking with Mr. A, and observing professor B’s class, I am certain that I would be a valuable addition to your student body.


Those things make you certain that you want to attend. Everything else you say is why you would make a valuable addition to the law school. Minor point, but it caused me to pause and think about it for a second when I was reading it. I'd amend the second half of that sentence and leave the 'valuable addition' to the 'Were I to attend XXX Law', where it belongs.

And upon re-reading that sentence, "Were I to..." is a weak way to start a sentence.

The rest reads great, though (with the note from above about remaining positive).

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3v3ryth1ng
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Re: Please read and critique my LOCI !!!

Postby 3v3ryth1ng » Mon Apr 23, 2012 4:17 pm

bmore wrote:I would leave this out:

"Never did I sense the toxic or “cutthroat” competition law school is infamous for."

I would focus on the positive without being negative.


Thank you for the solid advice! Following that advice, should I take out the line where I compare "other schools" to this school? I only mentioned these things to draw positive contrast on my target school, but I don't want to come across as negative.

The school I'm targeting is distinctly non-competitive, to the point where they hide class rankings to discourage a competitive atmosphere. The TLS article on LOCIs says to give unique reasons why you want to attend the school. Should I just leave any talk of the "non-toxic" atmosphere out altogether?
Last edited by 3v3ryth1ng on Mon Apr 23, 2012 6:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

masked kavana
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Re: Please read and critique my LOCI !!!

Postby masked kavana » Mon Apr 23, 2012 4:34 pm

Overall really good letter! I'd say maybe put in a transition sentence between the first paragraph an the second. It kind of shifts from speaking about wanting to attend to your accomplishments this year without giving a smooth transition.

Def. a minor point but overall great. Good luck!




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