Yale 250 Final Sentence Quick Poll!!!!

(Applications Advice, Letters of Recommendation . . . )

Which is better?

Poll ended at Sat Jan 21, 2012 12:20 am

The first
7
100%
The second
0
No votes
 
Total votes: 7

User avatar
sandwiches5000
Posts: 412
Joined: Wed Oct 27, 2010 11:54 pm

Yale 250 Final Sentence Quick Poll!!!!

Postby sandwiches5000 » Thu Jan 19, 2012 12:20 am

Mkmk. I can't delete this and I'm completely changing the ending. Thanks for the input.
Last edited by sandwiches5000 on Thu Jan 19, 2012 10:44 am, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
bernaldiaz
Posts: 1686
Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2011 12:51 am

Re: Yale 250 Final Sentence Quick Poll!!!!

Postby bernaldiaz » Thu Jan 19, 2012 12:27 am

sandwiches5000 wrote:Hey y'all. Sending this out and just need a quick vote. Which is better?

They are decorations draped across the blood and flesh of a society that, like me, is far mor than what it appears to be.

They are decorations draped across the blood and flesh of a society that, like me, is far more than what it appears on the surface.

I feel like the 2nd one is more awkward... But, I've also looked at it a bunch of times.

Thanks!


They're both awkward because you're referring to yourself as "it". How about if you change the second one to:

They are decorations draped across the blood and flesh of a society that, like me, is far more than what appears on the surface.

thsmthcrmnl
Posts: 247
Joined: Fri Dec 25, 2009 3:07 am

Re: Yale 250 Final Sentence Quick Poll!!!!

Postby thsmthcrmnl » Thu Jan 19, 2012 12:32 am

You may or may not care about how precise your metaphors are but . . .

Do you really want "across the blood and flesh?" Decorations can't go on blood. And usually not on flesh either. Unless society in this metaphor is Rambo or something, all bloodied with his clothes torn up, but with some sort of victory sash. Or a beauty queen who cut herself?

User avatar
vpintz
Posts: 1408
Joined: Tue Jun 21, 2011 2:51 am

Re: Yale 250 Final Sentence Quick Poll!!!!

Postby vpintz » Thu Jan 19, 2012 12:59 am

They're both awkward and unnecessarily purple prose-y. Where's the "none of the above" option?

User avatar
YankeeFan2
Posts: 284
Joined: Sat Nov 05, 2011 12:53 pm

Re: Yale 250 Final Sentence Quick Poll!!!!

Postby YankeeFan2 » Thu Jan 19, 2012 1:01 am

vpintz wrote:They're both awkward and unnecessarily purple prose-y. Where's the "none of the above" option?

+1

User avatar
fatduck
Posts: 4186
Joined: Mon Sep 13, 2010 10:16 pm

Re: Yale 250 Final Sentence Quick Poll!!!!

Postby fatduck » Thu Jan 19, 2012 1:02 am

vpintz wrote:They're both awkward and unnecessarily purple prose-y. Where's the "none of the above" option?

i looked through his post history and found the full version:


They are decorations draped across the blood and flesh of a society that, like me, is far more than what it appears to be. They are decorations draped across the blood and flesh of a society that, like me, is far more than what it appears to be. They are decorations draped across the blood and flesh of a society that, like me, is far more than what it appears to be. They are decorations draped across the blood and flesh of a society that, like me, is far more than what it appears to be. They are decorations draped across the blood and flesh of a society that, like me, is far more than what it appears to be. They are decorations draped across the blood and flesh of a society that, like me, is far more than what it appears to be. They are decorations draped across the blood and flesh of a society that, like me, is far more than what it appears to be. They are decorations draped across the blood and flesh of a society that, like me, is far more than what it appears to be. They are decorations draped across the blood and flesh of a society that, like me, is far more than what it appears to be. They are decorations draped across the blood and flesh of a society that, like me, is far more than what it appears to be. They are decorations draped across my fucking blood and flesh.

User avatar
vpintz
Posts: 1408
Joined: Tue Jun 21, 2011 2:51 am

Re: Yale 250 Final Sentence Quick Poll!!!!

Postby vpintz » Thu Jan 19, 2012 1:06 am

fatduck wrote:
vpintz wrote:They're both awkward and unnecessarily purple prose-y. Where's the "none of the above" option?

i looked through his post history and found the full version:


They are decorations draped across the blood and flesh of a society that, like me, is far more than what it appears to be. They are decorations draped across the blood and flesh of a society that, like me, is far more than what it appears to be. They are decorations draped across the blood and flesh of a society that, like me, is far more than what it appears to be. They are decorations draped across the blood and flesh of a society that, like me, is far more than what it appears to be. They are decorations draped across the blood and flesh of a society that, like me, is far more than what it appears to be. They are decorations draped across the blood and flesh of a society that, like me, is far more than what it appears to be. They are decorations draped across the blood and flesh of a society that, like me, is far more than what it appears to be. They are decorations draped across the blood and flesh of a society that, like me, is far more than what it appears to be. They are decorations draped across the blood and flesh of a society that, like me, is far more than what it appears to be. They are decorations draped across the blood and flesh of a society that, like me, is far more than what it appears to be. They are decorations draped across my fucking blood and flesh.

Well played, good sir or ma'am . Well played indeed.

User avatar
sandwiches5000
Posts: 412
Joined: Wed Oct 27, 2010 11:54 pm

Re: Yale 250 Final Sentence Quick Poll!!!!

Postby sandwiches5000 » Thu Jan 19, 2012 1:10 am

haha okay. back to the drawing board. removing this.

User avatar
sandwiches5000
Posts: 412
Joined: Wed Oct 27, 2010 11:54 pm

Re: Yale 250 Final Sentence Quick Poll!!!!

Postby sandwiches5000 » Thu Jan 19, 2012 1:14 am

thsmthcrmnl wrote:You may or may not care about how precise your metaphors are but . . .

Do you really want "across the blood and flesh?" Decorations can't go on blood. And usually not on flesh either. Unless society in this metaphor is Rambo or something, all bloodied with his clothes torn up, but with some sort of victory sash. Or a beauty queen who cut herself?


this made me lol. thank you.

User avatar
weezer21
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2011 3:05 pm

Re: Yale 250 Final Sentence Quick Poll!!!!

Postby weezer21 » Thu Jan 19, 2012 2:31 am

I know this isn't nice but going on the last sentence it does not sound very good...I cannot even imagine what you're talking about. All that aside though, I would be happy to read your 250 if you pm it to me. I'm not nice but I edit books for a living so I think I could maybe give you good feedback.

User avatar
fatduck
Posts: 4186
Joined: Mon Sep 13, 2010 10:16 pm

Re: Yale 250 Final Sentence Quick Poll!!!!

Postby fatduck » Thu Jan 19, 2012 2:46 am

weezer21 wrote:I know this isn't nice but going on the last sentence it does not sound very good...I cannot even imagine what you're talking about. All that aside though, I would be happy to read your 250 if you pm it to me. I'm not nice but I edit books for a living so I think I could maybe give you good feedback.


Remember when Weezer was cool? Yea, me either, and I’m the lead singer. I wish I’d done something more productive with my life. I should have finished my novel. I got so caught up in the research that I barely put a word to paper. Now, with the bitter taste of fame burning in the mixed metaphors of my memory, I have no hope of finishing my masterpiece. To think that all those years I spent cataloguing gloryholes in truck stop restrooms across the country were for naught. I have the stories, of course…a treasure trove of anecdotes embedded so deep in the soft, pliable tissue of my brain – but what are my memories worth if I never commit them to the page? If I never show the people what the world is really like? If I never publish Balls to the Wall: Rivers of Semen, my opus? Look, no publisher is going to take me seriously with a title like that, unless I have a degree from fucking Yale. So let’s do this, because otherwise my life has been a complete waste of time. What else do I have, really? Some industry awards? Some platinum albums? Accolades in Rolling Stone? Meaningless. They are decorations draped across the blood and flesh of a society that, like me, is far more than what it appears to be.

User avatar
Yeshia90
Posts: 988
Joined: Sun Apr 03, 2011 12:23 am

Re: Yale 250 Final Sentence Quick Poll!!!!

Postby Yeshia90 » Thu Jan 19, 2012 2:52 am

fatduck wrote:
weezer21 wrote:I know this isn't nice but going on the last sentence it does not sound very good...I cannot even imagine what you're talking about. All that aside though, I would be happy to read your 250 if you pm it to me. I'm not nice but I edit books for a living so I think I could maybe give you good feedback.


Remember when Weezer was cool? Yea, me either, and I’m the lead singer. I wish I’d done something more productive with my life. I should have finished my novel. I got so caught up in the research that I barely put a word to paper. Now, with the bitter taste of fame burning in the mixed metaphors of my memory, I have no hope of finishing my masterpiece. To think that all those years I spent cataloguing gloryholes in truck stop restrooms across the country were for naught. I have the stories, of course…a treasure trove of anecdotes embedded so deep in the soft, pliable tissue of my brain – but what are my memories worth if I never commit them to the page? If I never show the people what the world is really like? If I never publish Balls to the Wall: Rivers of Semen, my opus? Look, no publisher is going to take me seriously with a title like that, unless I have a degree from fucking Yale. So let’s do this, because otherwise my life has been a complete waste of time. What else do I have, really? Some industry awards? Some platinum albums? Accolades in Rolling Stone? Meaningless. They are decorations draped across the blood and flesh of a society that, like me, is far more than what it appears to be.


QFawesomeness

User avatar
weezer21
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2011 3:05 pm

Re: Yale 250 Final Sentence Quick Poll!!!!

Postby weezer21 » Thu Jan 19, 2012 3:29 am

What's funny is that my username has nothing to do with that shitty band.
Last edited by weezer21 on Thu Jan 19, 2012 12:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
pupshaw
Posts: 504
Joined: Tue Feb 15, 2011 10:08 pm

Re: Yale 250 Final Sentence Quick Poll!!!!

Postby pupshaw » Thu Jan 19, 2012 10:04 am

You need to check your subject/verb agreement.

User avatar
Yeshia90
Posts: 988
Joined: Sun Apr 03, 2011 12:23 am

Re: Yale 250 Final Sentence Quick Poll!!!!

Postby Yeshia90 » Thu Jan 19, 2012 10:51 am

weezer21 wrote:The most humorous part is that my username has nothing to do with that shitty band.


You have debilitating asthma?

User avatar
sach1282
Posts: 330
Joined: Sun Oct 18, 2009 1:50 pm

Re: Yale 250 Final Sentence Quick Poll!!!!

Postby sach1282 » Thu Jan 19, 2012 2:29 pm

Hahahahaha, lol.

That was awesome fatduck.




Return to “Law School Admissions Forum”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Baidu [Spider], Dcc617, Google [Bot], haus and 9 guests