Critique my Addendum???!? Please!

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lawgirl10
Posts: 35
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Critique my Addendum???!? Please!

Postby lawgirl10 » Fri Jan 21, 2011 6:14 pm

In September 2006, I was cited for Off Campus Misconduct and Speaking Inappropriately to a University Official. After being fined 110.00 for throwing a cup on the ground off campus, I argued with the officer for writing what I felt at the time to be an unfair ticket. For this, I was placed on formal warning and required to do ten hours of community service, which I completed on campus. I now understand that speaking to an officer in that matter was both disrespectful and inappropriate, and have since developed greater respect for authority.

In October 2007, I violated university policy and cited for Underage Consumption, Underage Possession, and Violating Guest Policy. During this incident, a resident advisor walked past my dorm as the door was being opened and saw beer and alcohol in the room. Present during this incident were two university students and two of my close friends who were not students. I had failed to obtain the proper guest registration for these visitors. I was placed on formal warning, paid a 50 dollar fine, attended an alcohol 101 class, and wrote a three page reflection paper on the alcohol policies and guest policies. I accept full responsibility and acknowledge my misjudgment.

In September 2008, I was cited for underage possession of alcohol, underage consumption of alcohol, and abusive use of alcohol. During this incident, a Resident Advisor walked past my townhouse where the door was left open. Inside she saw beer and alcohol, and a table set up for drinking games. My roommates in the townhouse had a small number of friends over before they left for the evening, and failed to close the door when they left. At this time I was on campus, but not associated with the events of this evening. For this, I was placed on formal warning, paid a seventy five dollar fine, attended an alcohol class, and volunteered at a campus event. The events of this evening allowed me to recognize that I am responsible for what is brought into my resident and to further consider the individuals I surround myself with.

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zonto
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Re: Critique my Addendum???!? Please!

Postby zonto » Sat Jan 22, 2011 11:31 am

1. I think there a lot of pointless details. Who cares if the door was open or not? In other words you're saying that you're sorry you got caught, but if your roommates had only just closed the door than everything would have been just peachy. This leads into #2.

2. I also don't believe what you're saying you "learned" after each instance. I think you couldn't care less about the infractions because the stuff kept happening. Being sorry you got caught, and being sorry that you were breaking whatever policy/regulation (regardless of the door's current position) is what's more important.

3. Why can't you control yourself during September/October, but you apparently could the rest of the academic year? :?

lawgirl10
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Re: Critique my Addendum???!? Please!

Postby lawgirl10 » Sat Jan 22, 2011 12:54 pm

zonto wrote:1. I think there a lot of pointless details. Who cares if the door was open or not? In other words you're saying that you're sorry you got caught, but if your roommates had only just closed the door than everything would have been just peachy. This leads into #2.

2. I also don't believe what you're saying you "learned" after each instance. I think you couldn't care less about the infractions because the stuff kept happening. Being sorry you got caught, and being sorry that you were breaking whatever policy/regulation (regardless of the door's current position) is what's more important.

3. Why can't you control yourself during September/October, but you apparently could the rest of the academic year? :?


I didn't ask for you to pretend to be an adcomm. I'm asking for grammar/structure. But thank you for your pointless input.

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akili
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Re: Critique my Addendum???!? Please!

Postby akili » Sat Jan 22, 2011 12:57 pm

lawgirl10 wrote: The events of this evening allowed me to recognize that I am responsible for what is brought into my resident and to further consider the individuals I surround myself with.


I think you mean residence?

CanadianWolf
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Re: Critique my Addendum???!? Please!

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Jan 22, 2011 1:00 pm

This is written in a clear & comprehensive manner.

Two minor errors:
First sentence of the second paragraph: Add "was" before "cited".
Third paragraph: Use "residence", not "resident".

P.S. If applying to WashUStL, it might help to note that all were Anheiser-Busch products.

apl6783
Posts: 101
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Re: Critique my Addendum???!? Please!

Postby apl6783 » Sat Jan 22, 2011 4:54 pm

lawgirl10 wrote:
zonto wrote:1. I think there a lot of pointless details. Who cares if the door was open or not? In other words you're saying that you're sorry you got caught, but if your roommates had only just closed the door than everything would have been just peachy. This leads into #2.

2. I also don't believe what you're saying you "learned" after each instance. I think you couldn't care less about the infractions because the stuff kept happening. Being sorry you got caught, and being sorry that you were breaking whatever policy/regulation (regardless of the door's current position) is what's more important.

3. Why can't you control yourself during September/October, but you apparently could the rest of the academic year? :?


I didn't ask for you to pretend to be an adcomm. I'm asking for grammar/structure. But thank you for your pointless input.


You said "critique my addendum???!?"

That can mean a lot of things, and his input isn't pointless. Your addendum makes you sound like a bimbo.

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geoduck
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Re: Critique my Addendum???!? Please!

Postby geoduck » Sat Jan 22, 2011 7:22 pm

lawgirl10 wrote:
zonto wrote:1. I think there a lot of pointless details. Who cares if the door was open or not? In other words you're saying that you're sorry you got caught, but if your roommates had only just closed the door than everything would have been just peachy. This leads into #2.

2. I also don't believe what you're saying you "learned" after each instance. I think you couldn't care less about the infractions because the stuff kept happening. Being sorry you got caught, and being sorry that you were breaking whatever policy/regulation (regardless of the door's current position) is what's more important.

3. Why can't you control yourself during September/October, but you apparently could the rest of the academic year? :?


I didn't ask for you to pretend to be an adcomm. I'm asking for grammar/structure. But thank you for your pointless input.


You didn't say "check my syntax", you begged for critique and were given good advice (apart from the Sept/Oct snark, but that's all in good fun). Point one is especially dead on.

"My roommates in the townhouse had a small number of friends over before they left for the evening, and failed to close the door when they left. "

Do you really want to go into this? You are directly saying that the reason you were charged with underage possession and abuse is because your roommates can't close a door. You later say that the charges allowed you to "further consider the individuals [you] surround [yourself] with" (which is a dangling preposition, by the by). You are literally saying that what you learned is that you should stop hanging out with people who are dumb enough to be caught. This is established in the second paragraph when "a resident advisor walked past my dorm as the door was being opened". You are putting way too much emphasis on explaining why you didn't get away with the action and far too little on why what you did was wrong.

Also... "At this time I was on campus, but not associated with the events of this evening." You are implying that you were associated with such events at other times, possibly even earlier the same day. "At this time" is very dangerous in this circumstance. Drop it.

Paragraph one isn't too bad, but two and three need a lot of work. Your grammar is mostly fine outside of a few random tense changes like the last sentence of P1 where you say "I now understand... and have since developed...". Literally you are saying that since now you have developed, and I'm pretty sure that isn't right. Here is my quick shot at patching it up without adding too much of my own voice.

In September 2006, I was cited for Off Campus Misconduct and Speaking Inappropriately to a University Official. After being fined 110.00 for throwing a cup on the ground off campus, I argued with the officer for writing what I felt at the time to be an unfair ticket. For this, I was placed on formal warning and required to do ten hours of community service, which I completed on campus. I learned that speaking to an officer in that matter was both disrespectful and inappropriate, and have since developed greater respect for authority.

In October 2007, I violated university policy and was cited for Underage Consumption, Underage Possession, and Violating Guest Policy. A Resident Advisor discovered alcohol in my room along with two university students and two of my close friends who were not students. I had failed to obtain the proper guest registration for these visitors. I was placed on formal warning, paid a 50 dollar fine, attended an alcohol 101 class, and wrote a three page reflection paper on the alcohol policies and guest policies. I accept full responsibility and acknowledge my misjudgment.

In September 2008, I was cited for underage possession of alcohol, underage consumption of alcohol, and abusive use of alcohol. During this incident, a Resident Advisor discovered alcohol and a table set up for drinking games inside of my townhouse. I was not associated with the events of this evening and was cited regardless of my absence. For this, I was placed on formal warning, paid a seventy five dollar fine, attended an alcohol class, and volunteered at a campus event. The events of this evening allowed me to recognize that I am responsible for what is brought into my residence and caused me to further consider the individuals with whom I surround myself.


That could still be better, but it's an improvement.

lawgirl10
Posts: 35
Joined: Sun Dec 26, 2010 8:37 pm

Re: Critique my Addendum???!? Please!

Postby lawgirl10 » Sat Jan 22, 2011 9:11 pm

If drinking in college makes me a bimbo, then I'm Jenna Jameson.

lawgirl10
Posts: 35
Joined: Sun Dec 26, 2010 8:37 pm

Re: Critique my Addendum???!? Please!

Postby lawgirl10 » Sat Jan 22, 2011 9:18 pm

Thanks for the input everyone!

NoJob
Posts: 237
Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2010 11:32 pm

Re: Critique my Addendum???!? Please!

Postby NoJob » Sat Jan 22, 2011 10:37 pm

lawgirl10 wrote:In September 2006, I was cited for Off Campus Misconduct and Speaking Inappropriately to a University Official. After being fined 110.00 for throwing a cup on the ground off campus, I argued with the officer for writing what I felt at the time to be an unfair ticket. For this, I was placed on formal warning and required to do ten hours of community service, which I completed on campus. I now understand that speaking to an officer in that matter was both disrespectful and inappropriate, and have since developed greater respect for authority.

In October 2007, I violated university policy and cited for Underage Consumption, Underage Possession, and Violating Guest Policy. During this incident, a resident advisor walked past my dorm as the door was being opened and saw beer and alcohol in the room. Present during this incident were two university students and two of my close friends who were not students. I had failed to obtain the proper guest registration for these visitors. I was placed on formal warning, paid a 50 dollar fine, attended an alcohol 101 class, and wrote a three page reflection paper on the alcohol policies and guest policies. I accept full responsibility and acknowledge my misjudgment.

In September 2008, I was cited for underage possession of alcohol, underage consumption of alcohol, and abusive use of alcohol. During this incident, a Resident Advisor walked past my townhouse where the door was left open. Inside she saw beer and alcohol, and a table set up for drinking games. My roommates in the townhouse had a small number of friends over before they left for the evening, and failed to close the door when they left. At this time I was on campus, but not associated with the events of this evening. For this, I was placed on formal warning, paid a seventy five dollar fine, attended an alcohol class, and volunteered at a campus event. The events of this evening allowed me to recognize that I am responsible for what is brought into my resident and to further consider the individuals I surround myself with.


There goes your Character and Fitness certification. I'm just fucking with you.

lawgirl10
Posts: 35
Joined: Sun Dec 26, 2010 8:37 pm

Re: Critique my Addendum???!? Please!

Postby lawgirl10 » Sat Jan 22, 2011 11:01 pm

:wink:

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robotclubmember
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Re: Critique my Addendum???!? Please!

Postby robotclubmember » Sun Jan 23, 2011 4:20 pm

lawgirl10 wrote:If drinking in college makes me a bimbo, then I'm Jenna Jameson.


Sounds like a sleep-your-way-to-the-topper. Hey, the world needs them, without them, how would male chauvinism survive?

Have fun at Cooley.

apl6783
Posts: 101
Joined: Thu Jan 20, 2011 12:41 pm

Re: Critique my Addendum???!? Please!

Postby apl6783 » Mon Jan 24, 2011 12:34 pm

lawgirl10 wrote:If drinking in college makes me a bimbo, then I'm Jenna Jameson.


Everyone drinks heavily in college, but getting busted for it 3 times is just pathetic.

lawgirl10
Posts: 35
Joined: Sun Dec 26, 2010 8:37 pm

Re: Critique my Addendum???!? Please!

Postby lawgirl10 » Mon Jan 24, 2011 12:39 pm

apl6783 wrote:
lawgirl10 wrote:If drinking in college makes me a bimbo, then I'm Jenna Jameson.


Everyone drinks heavily in college, but getting busted for it 3 times is just pathetic.



I got busted once? If you're going to be rude and call me pathetic when I'm asking for help, you might as well read carefully.




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