Help with a few sentences?

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JJDancer
Posts: 1564
Joined: Sun Jul 26, 2009 7:41 pm

Help with a few sentences?

Postby JJDancer » Wed Dec 08, 2010 2:34 pm

We had come from New Delhi, India to New York to fulfill our dream of living together, even though it meant I had to sleep in the living room and my mother had to walk me four miles to and from school. My father’s new job in New York represented the first opportunity for our family to spend time together daily. Until then, I had only been able to see my father, who was a sea captain, every six months.

Is this conceptually clear/grammatically correct?
Any suggestions for how to rephrase these but still say the same thing?

bartleby
Posts: 1315
Joined: Thu May 29, 2008 3:23 am

Re: Help with a few sentences?

Postby bartleby » Wed Dec 08, 2010 3:23 pm

We had come from New Delhi, India to New York to fulfill our dream of living together. Though it meant I had to sleep in the living room, and my mother had to walk me four miles to and from school, this job represented the first opportunity our family had to spend time together on a daily basis. Until then, I had only been able to see my father, who was a sea captain, every six months.

Not sure if that is right, in a rush, but would definitely break up the first sentence. You can't attach some crappy clause onto a statement that ends in "fulfill our dream of living together."

sandaltan
Posts: 114
Joined: Sun Oct 25, 2009 12:42 am

Re: Help with a few sentences?

Postby sandaltan » Wed Dec 08, 2010 6:06 pm

we left new delhi...

twopoodles
Posts: 107
Joined: Mon Nov 02, 2009 1:42 pm

Re: Help with a few sentences?

Postby twopoodles » Wed Dec 08, 2010 11:40 pm

Do not say "had come." Say "came." "Left" would require re-wording the entire thing. Start the second sentence with "Even though" and take out the first comma. Also, replace "this" with "the." (Don't shift to reader to the present with "this.")

Overall, I think the whole thing is poorly worded because you begin by saying it was the first chance you had to be together daily, but don't get to why until a couple of sentences later (why?). I don't mean to be overly critical, but I don't think you are intending to be coy so just say it in the order that makes sense.




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