Yale 250 for critique

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tk4386
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Yale 250 for critique

Postby tk4386 » Fri Nov 12, 2010 3:19 pm

I have weakish numbers for Yale (3.95/171), so I am hoping to write an intriguing 250. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

"Human beings do strange things with dead bodies. Nowhere is this more evident than University College of London (UCL), where to this day one can find on display the remains of the deceased British philosopher, Jeremy Bentham. Yet the presence of Bentham, sitting upright in his favorite chair and adorned in his own clothes, is the least strange aspect of his posthumous saga.

In his will, Bentham requested that his body be dissected publicly so as to serve as an educational opportunity for the local scientific community. After the dissection, Bentham willed that his skeleton and head were to be placed for viewing in a wood cabinet that was subsequently acquired by UCL. The skeleton and the head, however, would soon become separated.

The presence of Bentham’s head simply offered too much temptation to the undergrads at UCL, and it quickly became the target of repeated pranks. The school endured the pranks, continually removing Bentham’s head from whatever peculiar location in which it was found and replacing it atop his body. UCL, however, reached its breaking point with one final prank wherein the students used Bentham’s head in a pick-up soccer game. With that, the head was placed in an undisclosed storage location and was replaced by a wax representation.

Thus ends the curious case of Jeremy Bentham’s head ˗ at least until the secret storage location is found. Then, students will assuredly find new, strange uses for the dismembered head of one of history’s greatest philosophers."

Thanks in advance.

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MysticalWheel
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Re: Yale 250 for critique

Postby MysticalWheel » Fri Nov 12, 2010 4:00 pm

Thumbs up from me overall, but perhaps change "representation" to "likeness"? Either way, nice job.

MW

CanadianWolf
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Re: Yale 250 for critique

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Nov 12, 2010 4:02 pm

What is the prompt for the Yale 250 essay ? Without knowing the essay guidelines, my impression is "so what" ? Plus, I think that I have read this essay, or something quite similiar, before.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Fri Nov 12, 2010 4:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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lzyovrachievr
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Re: Yale 250 for critique

Postby lzyovrachievr » Fri Nov 12, 2010 4:05 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:What is the prompt for the Yale 250 essay ? Without knowing the essay guidelines, my impression is "so what" ?


250 words to say whatever you want

CanadianWolf
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Re: Yale 250 for critique

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Nov 12, 2010 4:07 pm

Then no, it is not good because I have read this well before the current application cycle. The lack of originality may be fatal. It is, however, well written.

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MysticalWheel
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Re: Yale 250 for critique

Postby MysticalWheel » Fri Nov 12, 2010 6:51 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:Then no, it is not good because I have read this well before the current application cycle. The lack of originality may be fatal. It is, however, well written.


The 250 is to evaluate "reasoning, writing, and editing" skills. It may be unoriginal, but it is not necessarily trite per se, so I think the OP can still fly this. Let's be serious: the 250 is likely not going to make or break a nod from Yale.

MW

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lennonist
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Re: Yale 250 for critique

Postby lennonist » Fri Nov 12, 2010 6:55 pm

This sounds like a yahoo.com news article, i.e. information not long enough to go in depth and not exciting enough to be intrigued by. It can't hurt you but it's more of a waste of a chance:

It could have been written by any other applicant. What does Bentham's head have to do with you as an applicant? Why not use 250 words to shed light on smth cool yet unknown about you while preserving the same light-hearted pace and style?

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capitalacq
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Re: Yale 250 for critique

Postby capitalacq » Fri Nov 12, 2010 8:40 pm

lennonist wrote:This sounds like a yahoo.com news article, i.e. information not long enough to go in depth and not exciting enough to be intrigued by. It can't hurt you but it's more of a waste of a chance:

It could have been written by any other applicant. What does Bentham's head have to do with you as an applicant? Why not use 250 words to shed light on smth cool yet unknown about you while preserving the same light-hearted pace and style?

^ignore this post

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4for44
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Re: Yale 250 for critique

Postby 4for44 » Fri Nov 12, 2010 8:57 pm

MysticalWheel wrote:
CanadianWolf wrote:Then no, it is not good because I have read this well before the current application cycle. The lack of originality may be fatal. It is, however, well written.


The 250 is to evaluate "reasoning, writing, and editing" skills. It may be unoriginal, but it is not necessarily trite per se, so I think the OP can still fly this. Let's be serious: the 250 is likely not going to make or break a nod from Yale.

MW


disagree...

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glewz
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Re: Yale 250 for critique

Postby glewz » Fri Nov 12, 2010 8:59 pm

very well written

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capitalacq
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Re: Yale 250 for critique

Postby capitalacq » Fri Nov 12, 2010 9:20 pm

4for44 wrote:
MysticalWheel wrote:
CanadianWolf wrote:Then no, it is not good because I have read this well before the current application cycle. The lack of originality may be fatal. It is, however, well written.


The 250 is to evaluate "reasoning, writing, and editing" skills. It may be unoriginal, but it is not necessarily trite per se, so I think the OP can still fly this. Let's be serious: the 250 is likely not going to make or break a nod from Yale.

MW


disagree...

you can disagree and be wrong.

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4for44
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Re: Yale 250 for critique

Postby 4for44 » Fri Nov 12, 2010 9:32 pm

capitalacq wrote:
4for44 wrote:
MysticalWheel wrote:
CanadianWolf wrote:Then no, it is not good because I have read this well before the current application cycle. The lack of originality may be fatal. It is, however, well written.


The 250 is to evaluate "reasoning, writing, and editing" skills. It may be unoriginal, but it is not necessarily trite per se, so I think the OP can still fly this. Let's be serious: the 250 is likely not going to make or break a nod from Yale.

MW


disagree...

you can disagree and be wrong.


Everything is a make or break at Yale...

Ninoprudence
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Re: Yale 250 for critique

Postby Ninoprudence » Fri Nov 12, 2010 9:49 pm

I am undecided about whether I like it or not. That is probably a good sign.

Two stylistic concerns:

1. "The remains of the deceased . . ." is redundant. You don't need the word deceased.

2. Your second sentence does not follow formal grammar rules with regard to commas.

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piccolittle
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Re: Yale 250 for critique

Postby piccolittle » Fri Nov 12, 2010 9:55 pm

I know I shouldn't be so pedantic, but it's "University College London" not "University College of London"... and the truth about his head is that it was badly preserved, so eventually it just became too scary for people to look at and they had to replace it with a wax head. The auto icon is sealed so students weren't able to get at the contents in order to steal his head.

Otherwise, I like old JB in his box so I'm a fan of this. I think if you maybe rework the ending to include a little more of your own reflection, this could be great.

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theadw
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Re: Yale 250 for critique

Postby theadw » Fri Nov 12, 2010 10:11 pm

.
Last edited by theadw on Sat Dec 04, 2010 1:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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SullaFelix
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Re: Yale 250 for critique

Postby SullaFelix » Sat Nov 13, 2010 12:08 am

tk4386 wrote:I have weakish numbers for Yale (3.95/171), so I am hoping to write an intriguing 250. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

"Human beings do strange things with dead bodies. Nowhere is this more evident than University College of London (UCL), where to this day one can find on display the remains of the deceased British philosopher, Jeremy Bentham. Yet the presence of Bentham, sitting upright in his favorite chair and adorned in his own clothes, is the least strange aspect of his posthumous saga.

In his will, Bentham requested that his body be dissected publicly so as to serve as an educational opportunity for the local scientific community. After the dissection, Bentham willed that his skeleton and head were to be placed for viewing in a wood cabinet that was subsequently acquired by UCL. The skeleton and the head, however, would soon become separated.

The presence of Bentham’s head simply offered too much temptation to the undergrads at UCL, and it quickly became the target of repeated pranks. The school endured the pranks, continually removing Bentham’s head from whatever peculiar location in which it was found and replacing it atop his body. UCL, however, reached its breaking point with one final prank wherein the students used Bentham’s head in a pick-up soccer game. With that, the head was placed in an undisclosed storage location and was replaced by a wax representation.

Thus ends the curious case of Jeremy Bentham’s head ˗ at least until the secret storage location is found. Then, students will assuredly find new, strange uses for the dismembered head of one of history’s greatest philosophers."

Thanks in advance.


The idea isn't terrible — but why not also use the essay to show your reasoning skills? Is there some kind of argument or discussion you think can be had about Bentham's head that would be more than a wikipedia stub?




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