critique my (kind of a lot of) traffic violations addendum?

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agora139
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critique my (kind of a lot of) traffic violations addendum?

Postby agora139 » Mon Nov 08, 2010 1:59 pm

i'm not really sure how traffic violation stuff is supposed to go, and this is for Emory (one of the only schools that specifically asks for traffic violations). this is what I have:

On January 16, 2006, at the age of 16, I was pulled over for driving 50 mph in an area with a 45 mph speed limit. I was fined $150 and paid the fine promptly. On February 9, 2007, I was issued a stop sign violation for failing to come to a complete stop on a street that I drove on daily on my way to my high school. This was my second violation in under twelve months with a provisional license, and resulted in a $100 fine as well as a one-month suspension of my license from February 24 until March 26 of that year. On May 16, 2007, I was issued a ticket for driving 57 mph in an area with a 35 mph speed limit. I was fined $150, and took a defensive driving course out of my own volition.
All of these violations occurred while I was still enrolled in high school, and can be attributed to my lack of driving experience as well as immature nature. These tickets have had an impact on my driving habits, and since matriculating to {my college}, I have driven myself every summer and every academic year except for my first year, with no further tickets or legal issues.

QuailMan
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Re: critique my (kind of a lot of) traffic violations addendum?

Postby QuailMan » Mon Nov 08, 2010 2:33 pm

It's a little awkward to say "my immature nature" which implies that you are naturally immature as opposed to what you are trying to say, that all teenagers are immature and you're now over that.

"I have driven myself every summer and every academic year except for my first year"
This phrase seems awkward, too. I understand what you're saying, but I think its the phrase "have driven myself" that is confusing.

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paratactical
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Re: critique my (kind of a lot of) traffic violations addendum?

Postby paratactical » Mon Nov 08, 2010 2:36 pm

agora139 wrote:i'm not really sure how traffic violation stuff is supposed to go, and this is for Emory (one of the only schools that specifically asks for traffic violations). this is what I have:

On January 16, 2006, at the age of 16, I was pulled over for driving 50 mph in an area with a 45 mph speed limit. I was fined $150 and paid the fine promptly. On February 9, 2007, I was issued a stop sign violation for failing to come to a complete stop on a street that I drove on daily on my way to my high school. This was my second violation in under twelve months with a provisional license, and resulted in a $100 fine as well as a one-month suspension of my license from February 24 until March 26 of that year. On May 16, 2007, I was issued a ticket for driving 57 mph in an area with a 35 mph speed limit. I was fined $150, and took a defensive driving course out of my own volition.
All of these violations occurred while I was still enrolled in high school, and can be attributed to my lack of driving experience as well as immature nature. These tickets have had an impact on my driving habits, and since matriculating to {my college}, I have driven myself every summer and every academic year except for my first year, with no further tickets or legal issues.


I would do a kind of chart with a list of the dates of the offenses, the names of the charges and the results and then just have the last paragraph.

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agora139
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Re: critique my (kind of a lot of) traffic violations addendum?

Postby agora139 » Mon Nov 08, 2010 2:38 pm

thanks for the suggestions! is 'teenaged immaturity' any better? here's the second paragraph revised:

All of these violations occurred while I was still enrolled in high school, and can be attributed to my lack of driving experience as well as teenaged immaturity. These tickets have had an impact on my driving habits, and since matriculating to {my college}, I have driven every summer and academic year except for my first year, with no further tickets or legal issues.




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