Dorm Room Violation Addendum.... Is this okay?

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SupraVln180
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Dorm Room Violation Addendum.... Is this okay?

Postby SupraVln180 » Wed Oct 27, 2010 9:35 am

During my freshman year, I was issued a write-up by my Resident Advisor for presence of alcohol in my dorm suite. The Resident Advisor was called to my dorm because of noise complaints, and the RA found in alcohol in my dorm room suite. As a resident of the dorms, I was subsequently issued a write-up. Consequently, I was obligated to take a short online course on alcohol education. Again, in my junior year, I had a lapse of judgment and surrounded myself with the same people, although I was not drinking, I was visiting a friend’s apartment where alcohol was present. I was issued another violation for being in the presence of alcohol in the dorms. I was issued a warning this time, however I volunteered a few hours at the Relay for Life to support breast cancer because I felt it was a suitable punishment. Both violations rightfully fell under my responsibility due to my error in judgment. I have since surrounded myself with better people and stayed out of trouble.


Is this all i need? Will something like this mess my cycle up?

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txadv11
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Re: Dorm Room Violation Addendum.... Is this okay?

Postby txadv11 » Wed Oct 27, 2010 9:52 am

SupraVln180 wrote:During my freshman year, I was issued a write-up by my Resident Advisor for presence of alcohol in my dorm suite. The Resident Advisor was called to my dorm because of noise complaints, and the RA found in alcohol in my dorm room suite. As a resident of the dorms, I was subsequently issued a write-up. Consequently, I was obligated to take a short online course on alcohol education. Again, in my junior year, I had a lapse of judgment and surrounded myself with the same people, although I was not drinking, I was visiting a friend’s apartment where alcohol was present. I was issued another violation for being in the presence of alcohol in the dorms. I was issued a warning this time, however I volunteered a few hours at the Relay for Life to support breast cancer because I felt it was a suitable punishment. Both violations rightfully fell under my responsibility due to my error in judgment. I have since surrounded myself with better people and stayed out of trouble.


Is this all i need? Will something like this mess my cycle up?


I'd strike out the above, and change obligated to asked or something a little better...it just seems like you didn't accept/agree but were obligated to do the punishment.
I know you are probably very sincere, but I personally see the relay-volunteer thing as BS, at least regarding your reason to participate.

PS- anyone willing to review my criminal addendum? It is in this forum several threads down.....I only have a few days until my ED deadline!
Last edited by txadv11 on Wed Oct 27, 2010 9:55 am, edited 2 times in total.

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JazzOne
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Re: Dorm Room Violation Addendum.... Is this okay?

Postby JazzOne » Wed Oct 27, 2010 9:54 am

txadv11 wrote:
SupraVln180 wrote:During my freshman year, I was issued a write-up by my Resident Advisor for presence of alcohol in my dorm suite. The Resident Advisor was called to my dorm because of noise complaints, and the RA found in alcohol in my dorm room suite. As a resident of the dorms, I was subsequently issued a write-up. Consequently, I was obligated to take a short online course on alcohol education. Again, in my junior year, I had a lapse of judgment and surrounded myself with the same people, although I was not drinking, I was visiting a friend’s apartment where alcohol was present. I was issued another violation for being in the presence of alcohol in the dorms. I was issued a warning this time, however I volunteered a few hours at the Relay for Life to support breast cancer because I felt it was a suitable punishment. Both violations rightfully fell under my responsibility due to my error in judgment. I have since surrounded myself with better people and stayed out of trouble.


Is this all i need? Will something like this mess my cycle up?


I'd strike out the above, and change obligated to asked or something a little better...it just seems like you didn't accept/agree but were obligated to do the punishment.

obliged

SupraVln180
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Re: Dorm Room Violation Addendum.... Is this okay?

Postby SupraVln180 » Wed Oct 27, 2010 12:51 pm

obliged means felt the need to, obligated means required to. So, no, obligated would be a better word.

AUC2MIC
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Re: Dorm Room Violation Addendum.... Is this okay?

Postby AUC2MIC » Wed Oct 27, 2010 12:54 pm

I'm going to strongly recommend that you leave out the part about volunteering...
Or at the VERY LEAST rephrase it because right now it sounds like you took volunteering as being some kind of punishment :?

SupraVln180
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Re: Dorm Room Violation Addendum.... Is this okay?

Postby SupraVln180 » Wed Oct 27, 2010 12:56 pm

During my freshman year, I was issued a write-up by my Resident Advisor for the presence of alcohol in my apartment-style dorm. The Resident Advisor was called to my apartment because of noise complaints, and the RA found in alcohol in my apartment. Consequently, I was required to take a short online course on alcohol education. Again, in my junior year, I had a lapse of judgment and surrounded myself with the same people, although I was not drinking, I was visiting a friend’s apartment where alcohol was present. I was issued another violation for being in the presence of alcohol in the dorms. I was originally issued a fine, however I instead volunteered a few hours at the Relay for Life to support breast cancer because my Area Coordinator and I agreed that it was a more suitable punishment. Both violations rightfully fell under my responsibility due to my error in judgment. I have since surrounded myself with better people and stayed out of trouble.

any better?
Last edited by SupraVln180 on Wed Oct 27, 2010 12:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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JazzOne
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Re: Dorm Room Violation Addendum.... Is this okay?

Postby JazzOne » Wed Oct 27, 2010 12:57 pm

SupraVln180 wrote:obliged means felt the need to, obligated means required to. So, no, obligated would be a better word.

Per Merriam-Webster:

oblige (transitive verb)
1 : to constrain by physical, moral, or legal force or by the exigencies of circumstance <obliged to find a job>

SupraVln180
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Re: Dorm Room Violation Addendum.... Is this okay?

Postby SupraVln180 » Wed Oct 27, 2010 1:02 pm

obligated wasn't the wrong word, either way, I just put required, it sounded more straight forward.

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txadv11
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Re: Dorm Room Violation Addendum.... Is this okay?

Postby txadv11 » Wed Oct 27, 2010 1:14 pm

SupraVln180 wrote:obligated wasn't the wrong word, either way, I just put required, it sounded more straight forward.


Don't rule out just saying that you completed an alcohol education course. In my opinion being mandated/obligated/required is one thing and is also kind of included in completing it.

RPK34
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Re: Dorm Room Violation Addendum.... Is this okay?

Postby RPK34 » Wed Oct 27, 2010 1:20 pm

Take out the "surrounded myself with better people" bit. They don't care. All they want to know is that they were minor violations. No need to make it sound more dramatic than it is.

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djjf39
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Re: Dorm Room Violation Addendum.... Is this okay?

Postby djjf39 » Wed Oct 27, 2010 1:28 pm

SupraVln180 wrote:During my freshman year, I was issued a write-up by my Resident Advisor for the presence of alcohol in my apartment-style dorm. The Resident Advisor was called to my apartment because of noise complaints, and the RA found in alcohol in my apartment. Consequently, I was required to take a short online course on alcohol education. Again, in my junior year, I had a lapse of judgment and surrounded myself with the same people, although I was not drinking, I was visiting a friend’s apartment where alcohol was present. I was issued another violation for being in the presence of alcohol in the dorms. I was originally issued a fine, however I instead volunteered a few hours at the Relay for Life to support breast cancer because my Area Coordinator and I agreed that it was a more suitable punishment. Both violations rightfully fell under my responsibility due to my error in judgment. I have since surrounded myself with better people and stayed out of trouble.


I don't like it for three reasons. First, too much detail on what happened not enough info on how you have changed. Second, while it may seem like you take ownership of your actions and decisions when you write "Both violations rightfully fell under my responsibility due to my error in judgment", the manner in which you describe the circumstances surrounding both instances gives me the impression you don't think you were at fault (at least primarily). Finally, describing the length of your volunteer time at Relay for Life as "a few hours" makes the task seem insubstantial and your interest insincere; ditto for the online education class.

I would go with something like: "During my freshman year, I was written up for the presence of alcohol in my dormroom. The Resident Advisor was called to my apartment because of noise complaints, and found alcohol in my apartment. I was required to take an online alcohol education course. Unfortunately, in my junior year, I had a lapse of judgment and was issued another violation for being in the presence of alcohol in the dorms. I was originally issued a fine, however I elected to volunteer at the Relay for Life to support breast cancer awareness as an alternative form of punishment. I was responsible for both violations due to my own errors in judgment. I have since surrounded myself with better people and stayed out of trouble."

Two quick points:

1. Addenda need to be short and sweet, emphasis that you have changed and tell how. Do not spend time hashing out the details.

2. You originally wrote "I instead volunteered a few hours at the Relay for Life to support breast cancer". I do not think you meant to imply you supported breast cancer, but rather you supported the survivors of that cancer or helped raise awareness about it. Make sure what you write means exactly what you intend. Sloppily written addenda will hurt you.

SupraVln180
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Re: Dorm Room Violation Addendum.... Is this okay?

Postby SupraVln180 » Wed Oct 27, 2010 2:15 pm

djjf39 wrote:
SupraVln180 wrote:During my freshman year, I was issued a write-up by my Resident Advisor for the presence of alcohol in my apartment-style dorm. The Resident Advisor was called to my apartment because of noise complaints, and the RA found in alcohol in my apartment. Consequently, I was required to take a short online course on alcohol education. Again, in my junior year, I had a lapse of judgment and surrounded myself with the same people, although I was not drinking, I was visiting a friend’s apartment where alcohol was present. I was issued another violation for being in the presence of alcohol in the dorms. I was originally issued a fine, however I instead volunteered a few hours at the Relay for Life to support breast cancer because my Area Coordinator and I agreed that it was a more suitable punishment. Both violations rightfully fell under my responsibility due to my error in judgment. I have since surrounded myself with better people and stayed out of trouble.


I don't like it for three reasons. First, too much detail on what happened not enough info on how you have changed. Second, while it may seem like you take ownership of your actions and decisions when you write "Both violations rightfully fell under my responsibility due to my error in judgment", the manner in which you describe the circumstances surrounding both instances gives me the impression you don't think you were at fault (at least primarily). Finally, describing the length of your volunteer time at Relay for Life as "a few hours" makes the task seem insubstantial and your interest insincere; ditto for the online education class.

I would go with something like: "During my freshman year, I was written up for the presence of alcohol in my dormroom. The Resident Advisor was called to my apartment because of noise complaints, and found alcohol in my apartment. I was required to take an online alcohol education course. Unfortunately, in my junior year, I had a lapse of judgment and was issued another violation for being in the presence of alcohol in the dorms. I was originally issued a fine, however I elected to volunteer at the Relay for Life to support breast cancer awareness as an alternative form of punishment. I was responsible for both violations due to my own errors in judgment. I have since surrounded myself with better people and stayed out of trouble."

Two quick points:

1. Addenda need to be short and sweet, emphasis that you have changed and tell how. Do not spend time hashing out the details.

2. You originally wrote "I instead volunteered a few hours at the Relay for Life to support breast cancer". I do not think you meant to imply you supported breast cancer, but rather you supported the survivors of that cancer or helped raise awareness about it. Make sure what you write means exactly what you intend. Sloppily written addenda will hurt you.



Thanks alot. I basically used what you just wrote, way more concise.




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