Please Critique Addendum Forum

[TheOcho]

Here's the background: When I was 20 (summer 2008), I was at a party that was busted. Instead of waiting for my minor in consumption like a reasonable human, I tried to run from the party. One tall fence later and I was charged with both a minor and resisting an officer. The resisting an officer charge was later dropped. Here is my addendum for the ordeal.

On June 3, 2008 I attended a social gathering where I was subsequently charged with a minor in consumption of alcohol. When the police arrived they advised everyone to remain on the property. I chose to exit the property and was therefore charged with resisting an officer. This charge was ultimately dismissed. Because these actions violated university policies I was also placed on unsupervised behavioral probation. I paid the corresponding fines for the minor in consumption and have had no similar encounters with the police since. I have also not violated any other university policies. As my transcript shows, after these events I responded in a positive manner by focusing on my scholarly endeavors. I accept full responsibility for these actions and recognize that I am solely to blame for this immature behavior.

[Beantown26]

Way too detailed...the less the better

[TheOcho]

Is length relevant? Or could I simply do something like this...

On June 3, 2008 I attended a social gathering where I was subsequently charged with a minor in consumption of alcohol and resisting an officer. The former charge was ultimately dismissed. Because these actions violated university policies I was also placed on unsupervised behavioral probation. I paid the corresponding fines for the minor in consumption and have had no similar encounters with the police since. I have also not violated any other university policies.

Thanks.

[Beantown26]

Yes, its better but add you left the party and thats why you were charrged with resisting...do not mention they said no one leave....and you can also say you learned from the exp...

[TheOcho]

Thanks for the input.

[CanadianWolf]

Your original version is much better & more accurate than the revised version posted above.

P.S. In the first version you claim that the resisting charge was dismissed & in the revised version you claim that the "former" (minor in consumption) charge was dismissed. You need to be more clear & consistent.

[TheOcho]

Thanks for catching that. I misused former/latter.

Is the initial version clear enough, in your opinion?

[CanadianWolf]

Very clear & very well done.

[djjf39]

I would switch police to law enforcement, but that may largely be personal preference. I also like the initial version as opposed to the parred down one posted later.

In the initial version I would drop/move the line where you take full responsibility. I think it comes off as insincere when placed at the bottom. I would stick it behind the first couple of sentences.

Good luck OP

[CanadianWolf]

"Law enforcement" sounds too serious (FBI, DEA, SWAT TEAM, etc.), whereas "police" sounds local & suggests a minor incident as opposed to action occurring as a result of a serious investigation. Most deal with police on a daily basis and hope that they never have to deal with "law enforcement".
It would be odd to accept full responsibility at the beginning of your addendum before the situation & results were explained. Might hint that another co-conspiritor died or is serving your stretch in prison & you want to clense his name if you started off in that fashion.

[djjf39]

Agree to disagree I guess, but I feel that apologies that end with accepting full responsibility for X reek of contrivance.

Your point about law enforcement is well made though.

[CanadianWolf]

Let's compromise: "I accept full responsibility for referring to the law enforcement officers at the crime scene as the police." (Insert this sentence in the middle of the addendum & everyone--except the OP--is happy.)