Addendum Critiques Welcome! Submitting apps tonight!

[ILoveCaffeine]

Here it is...


The gap in education and the completion of my undergraduate degree was caused by allowing myself to suspend my academic and career plans while faced with my husband’s lay offs, unemployment and overall economic insecurity. However, I soon realized that in suspending my classes, albeit temporarily, I was compromising my career plans. I learned to move forward with the completion of my degree, regardless of the hurtles that may arise. I am currently enrolled in the final class necessary to graduate from XXXXX University and I will receive my Bachelor’s degree, Magna Cum Laude, December 2010.
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How can I make this better?


THANK YOU!!

[Marionberry]

The gap in education and the completion of my undergraduate degree was caused by allowing myself to suspend my academic and career plans while faced with my husband’s lay offs, unemployment and overall economic insecurity. However, I soon realized that in suspending my classes, albeit temporarily, I was compromising my career plans. I learned to move forward with the completion of my degree, regardless of the hurtles that may arise. I am currently enrolled in the final class necessary to graduate from XXXXX University and I will receive my Bachelor’s degree, Magna Cum Laude, December 2010.

In (X semester of X year), I withdrew from (X university) so that I could work full-time after my husband was laid off. I re-enrolled in (X semester of X year). I am currently in my final semester at (X University) and expect to graduate in December 2010.

Something like the above should be more than adequate. There's a number of word choice and verb tense problems in yours that I didnt' address, but I think you would benefit by making it much more straightforward and to the point anyway. Assuming this is required as a response to a question in an app about your coursework being interrupted for a semester or more (or something like that), it doesn't need to be much more than this. It's a simple and legitimate reason to take a semester off, so I don't think they are gonna expect an elaborate addendum. Just a quick, concise, factual and relevant answer to the question.


Justm y take on it, someone else may come along with a different/better opinion.

[belkin]

I don't think you need to add that you were compelled to return to school due to the threat of a compromised career, or that you "learned" to move forward-- since it sounds like you put school on hold not because of your own set backs, but to support your husband. It seems like you might be implying that you realized you needed to put your husband's needs on hold and go forward with your life; but you don't make that clear. I don't think this needs to have as much emotion as you've put in, either. I think you can just say something like, I put my undergraduate studies on hold so that I could tend to my family. Once that was taken care of, I resumed school. Short and sweet.

[ahduth]

I like Marionberry's better. It doesn't need any embellishment.

[ILoveCaffeine]

Thank you for all of the advice! I will take it and change my addendum to more concise and factual.

Thanks!