quick look at my addendum please

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xyzzzzzzzz
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quick look at my addendum please

Postby xyzzzzzzzz » Thu Sep 16, 2010 10:12 pm

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Last edited by xyzzzzzzzz on Mon Dec 20, 2010 1:29 am, edited 1 time in total.

WestOfTheRest
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Re: quick look at my addendum please

Postby WestOfTheRest » Thu Sep 16, 2010 10:15 pm

The violation was a learning experience.


To be honest, I lol'ed. Can you work it in a bit more subtly?

xyzzzzzzzz
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Re: quick look at my addendum please

Postby xyzzzzzzzz » Fri Sep 17, 2010 4:37 pm

CastleRock wrote:
The violation was a learning experience.


To be honest, I lol'ed. Can you work it in a bit more subtly?


Do you have suggestions? I mean it was a pretty insignificant event in my life. I don't want to embellish the personal consequences/"changes" anymore than I have to.

hijodehombre
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Re: quick look at my addendum please

Postby hijodehombre » Fri Sep 17, 2010 4:55 pm

I think it could transition a little better, maybe something like, "The incident motivated me to become a member of the conduct board at XXX U."

xyzzzzzzzz
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Re: quick look at my addendum please

Postby xyzzzzzzzz » Fri Sep 17, 2010 5:00 pm

hijodehombre wrote:I think it could transition a little better, maybe something like, "The incident motivated me to become a member of the conduct board at XXX U."


Thanks, this is helpful. Do you think it needs to be any longer?

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albusdumbledore
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Re: quick look at my addendum please

Postby albusdumbledore » Fri Sep 17, 2010 5:05 pm

xyzzzzzzzz wrote:
CastleRock wrote:
The violation was a learning experience.


To be honest, I lol'ed. Can you work it in a bit more subtly?


Do you have suggestions? I mean it was a pretty insignificant event in my life. I don't want to embellish the personal consequences/"changes" anymore than I have to.


Are you suggesting it was, in fact, not a learning experience? Seriously though, why do you need to say that at all? Just tell them what happened. They aren't going to care anyways.

xyzzzzzzzz
Posts: 463
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2010 6:28 pm

Re: quick look at my addendum please

Postby xyzzzzzzzz » Fri Sep 17, 2010 5:10 pm

.
Last edited by xyzzzzzzzz on Mon Dec 20, 2010 1:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

WestOfTheRest
Posts: 1412
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Re: quick look at my addendum please

Postby WestOfTheRest » Fri Sep 17, 2010 5:13 pm

xyzzzzzzzz wrote:So you would just leave it at this,
In 200x, during my freshman year at the University of XXXX, I received a disciplinary sanction for drinking on campus. I completed the required five hours of community service.

I thought I would try to make a positive out of a negative. Honestly, the only thing it did (and I'm not going to include this because it won't reflect well on me) is made me see that the university didn't really explain my rights to me during the hearing. They coerced me into talking about things I didn't want to. When I got to my new school, I realized there was a better system in place there with student reps to help make judicial processes more comfortable.

You can write it the way you wanted in the your first attempt, just be more subtle. Hijodehombre gave you the general idea of how to approach. You also want to articulate exactly what you learned.

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albusdumbledore
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Re: quick look at my addendum please

Postby albusdumbledore » Fri Sep 17, 2010 5:22 pm

xyzzzzzzzz wrote:
albusdumbledore wrote:
xyzzzzzzzz wrote:
CastleRock wrote:
To be honest, I lol'ed. Can you work it in a bit more subtly?


Do you have suggestions? I mean it was a pretty insignificant event in my life. I don't want to embellish the personal consequences/"changes" anymore than I have to.


Are you suggesting it was, in fact, not a learning experience? Seriously though, why do you need to say that at all? Just tell them what happened. They aren't going to care anyways.


So you would just leave it at this,
In 200x, during my freshman year at the University of XXXX, I received a disciplinary sanction for drinking on campus. I completed the required five hours of community service.

I thought I would try to make a positive out of a negative. Honestly, the only thing it did (and I'm not going to include this because it won't reflect well on me) is made me see that the university didn't really explain my rights to me during the hearing. They coerced me into talking about things I didn't want to. When I got to my new school, I realized there was a better system in place there with student reps to help make judicial processes more comfortable.


Yes, I think that hits the nail on the head. I think the other stuff is largely irrelevant. Keeping it succinct furthers the insignificance of it, and the other stuff reads as a rather weak attempt at remorse, which to me would be more telling then the original offense. I mean I doubt you lost much sleep over this...(maybe i'm wrong)

xyzzzzzzzz
Posts: 463
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2010 6:28 pm

Re: quick look at my addendum please

Postby xyzzzzzzzz » Fri Sep 17, 2010 7:51 pm

.
Last edited by xyzzzzzzzz on Mon Dec 20, 2010 1:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

hijodehombre
Posts: 251
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Re: quick look at my addendum please

Postby hijodehombre » Fri Sep 17, 2010 11:05 pm

I thought you original idea was fine. It just didn't transition very well. I was also confused by your claim that one the one hand, it was a learning experience, and on the other, that it was insignificant. Regardless, the above reads well and it does seem to have been a minor incident.

xyzzzzzzzz
Posts: 463
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2010 6:28 pm

Re: quick look at my addendum please

Postby xyzzzzzzzz » Sat Sep 18, 2010 2:20 pm

.




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