scholarship supplemental form essay

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good essay?

Yes. It's awesome.
0
No votes
No, it stinks. Rewrite it.
2
100%
 
Total votes: 2

justadude55

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Posts: 963
Joined: Mon Aug 23, 2010 12:23 am

scholarship supplemental form essay

Postby justadude55 » Fri Aug 27, 2010 11:50 pm

thanks for the tips. deleted for privacy reasons.
Last edited by justadude55 on Mon Aug 30, 2010 1:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

JJDancer

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Posts: 1564
Joined: Sun Jul 26, 2009 7:41 pm

Re: scholarship supplemental form essay

Postby JJDancer » Sat Aug 28, 2010 12:47 am

It doesn't stink but I also don't think its "totally awesome" yet.

"Even if I have a closet of Armani suits, beachfront property and a loving family, I will not be happy if I cannot aid those who find themselves wronged, because of something I struggled so dearly to overcome.

It is not my intent to be a public defender. Despite the fact, I am not a very materialistic man, my family is counting on me to provide for my three younger sisters, and I would like to have a wonderfully well-educated family down the road. I need to achieve a certain standard of success, but only need so much."

That part needs re-writing imho.
the Armani suits etc thing doesn't come off right.
Also you go from not intending to be a PD and then somehow mentioning that "despite that" you want a wonderfully educated family. (I get that you didn't mean to link those two concepts - only the not materialistic part but yeah I think this portion needs re-working.)

justadude55

Silver
Posts: 963
Joined: Mon Aug 23, 2010 12:23 am

Re: scholarship supplemental form essay

Postby justadude55 » Sat Aug 28, 2010 8:54 am

JJDancer wrote:It doesn't stink but I also don't think its "totally awesome" yet.

"Even if I have a closet of Armani suits, beachfront property and a loving family, I will not be happy if I cannot aid those who find themselves wronged, because of something I struggled so dearly to overcome.

It is not my intent to be a public defender. Despite the fact, I am not a very materialistic man, my family is counting on me to provide for my three younger sisters, and I would like to have a wonderfully well-educated family down the road. I need to achieve a certain standard of success, but only need so much."

That part needs re-writing imho.
the Armani suits etc thing doesn't come off right.
Also you go from not intending to be a PD and then somehow mentioning that "despite that" you want a wonderfully educated family. (I get that you didn't mean to link those two concepts - only the not materialistic part but yeah I think this portion needs re-working.)


good call on the reworking. i was much more into it when i was writing the 1st 500 words than the 2nd. thank you so much for taking the time to read my drivel.



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