Please help with personal statement

(Applications Advice, Letters of Recommendation . . . )
ufo0001
Posts: 24
Joined: Sat Aug 07, 2010 10:01 am

Please help with personal statement

Postby ufo0001 » Sat Aug 07, 2010 10:11 am

I need all the help I can get. Be as hard as you want. This is a copy of my personal statement


“Being a twin…is different”, is my natural response to the curious number of onlookers who usually venture to ask what it is like any time we both step out together in public. The interest is warranted as we as a species, with a considerable amount of superficial variations, when confronted by a natural facsimile of another person, leads to a sudden puzzlement, as if nature had sense of humor. It also does not help that we dress similarly, as is often the case with twins. We also both played football, have similar tastes and interests; in short, we have a bond words can do no justice.
Similarity was embraced in childhood, but as twins get older, the nagging feeling of individuality begins to sound like a siren, manifesting itself in various “bizarre” ways. During high school, clothes became different, physiology changed, as he grew an inch taller than me and about 10 pounds heavier. Interests became varied; I fell in love with 70’s music and he became entrenched in classical music. However, through it all, our facial features never changed; the all-important evidence that signaled we were twins. Soon individualism gave way to mutual resentment in college, as I began to think I was defined through him, and him through me.
This all changed in the fall of 2007. The day started as we both commuted to our college classes. Stuck in traffic, I decided to present my plans on how I was going to forge a path of success post graduation. My brother, an engineering major, was only interested in making it alive out of the semester without the threat of academic probation being levied on him. “You should try harder”, I counseled, secretly beaming that I had one-upped him. This obviously struck a nerve because he assailed me so viciously to this day I remember every word. He accused me of hiding behind a weak degree, failing to live up to my potential, and that I could not handle the coursework of an engineering major. Pretty soon we were pointing and screaming at each other. Other drivers began to take notice, some even chuckled at the site of what looked like a man arguing to himself. Finally, we both said what was 25 years of pent up frustration in the making, that one had held the other back.
That night was the only time in my adulthood that I cried, honestly feeling a piece of my self was lost. I realized that it was our individuality that ignited the fight. He was always going to be the math wizard, whilst I lost my knowledge of the subject somewhere in 9th grade. I will always be the risk taker; an example of this was learning to ride the motorcycle, while he takes the more cautious road. I finally accepted that having him in my life would always define me because we were twins, but it was not a bad thing. Today we regularly spend weekends together, sharing beers over football games, with a bond words still fail to do justice.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Please help with personal statement

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Aug 07, 2010 10:26 am

This is not good. Every paragraph needs to be redone. Very little insight is offered. The final sentence has a weird connotation.

User avatar
SullaFelix
Posts: 113
Joined: Wed Jul 21, 2010 8:18 pm

Re: Please help with personal statement

Postby SullaFelix » Sat Aug 07, 2010 11:05 am

“Being a twin…is different”,


I would ding you just for not having the comma inside the quotation marks.

Sounds cruel, but that's the way it works.

User avatar
BriaTharen
Posts: 750
Joined: Wed Nov 04, 2009 5:17 pm

Re: Please help with personal statement

Postby BriaTharen » Sat Aug 07, 2010 11:36 am

This really should be in the Personal Statements forum- not here.

ufo0001
Posts: 24
Joined: Sat Aug 07, 2010 10:01 am

Re: Please help with personal statement

Postby ufo0001 » Sat Aug 07, 2010 9:15 pm

When you say insight, what do you mean?. I admit the final statement is a little awkward.

User avatar
Older Chest
Posts: 189
Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2010 2:08 pm

Re: Please help with personal statement

Postby Older Chest » Sat Aug 07, 2010 9:28 pm

Flame

User avatar
cinefile 17
Posts: 257
Joined: Wed Apr 14, 2010 10:32 pm

Re: Please help with personal statement

Postby cinefile 17 » Sat Aug 07, 2010 9:29 pm

I think you might need to rethink your message a little. You're supposed to be telling adcoms something that will make them want to admit you to their law school. All this tells them, is that you have a twin. There's no insight into what would make you a good addition to any law school.

Also, grammatically, some of your sentences are unnecessarily wordy and confusing. You especially need to qualify some of your pronouns. For example, "we as a species"- are you talking about the human species or for some weird reason, are you calling your twin and yourself a species. Also, "that one had held another back"- do you mean that each of you had held one another back or that one of you had held the other one back.

sibley
Posts: 2983
Joined: Wed Mar 04, 2009 2:38 pm

Re: Please help with personal statement

Postby sibley » Sat Aug 07, 2010 9:32 pm

cinefile 17 wrote:I think you might need to rethink your message a little. You're supposed to be telling adcoms something that will make them want to admit you to their law school. All this tells them, is that you have a twin. There's no insight into what would make you a good addition to any law school.

Also, grammatically, some of your sentences are unnecessarily wordy and confusing. You especially need to qualify some of your pronouns. For example, "we as a species"- are you talking about the human species or for some weird reason, are you calling your twin and yourself a species. Also, "that one had held another back"- do you mean that each of you had held one another back or that one of you had held the other one back.


Will you do this for the poster's other ps option? viewtopic.php?f=18&t=126286&p=3324313#p3324313
I think it has more potential.

User avatar
SullaFelix
Posts: 113
Joined: Wed Jul 21, 2010 8:18 pm

Re: Please help with personal statement

Postby SullaFelix » Sat Aug 07, 2010 9:34 pm

Also, completely beside the point, but: personally, ellipses in formal writing always bother me, unless it's actually serving its intended purpose of denoting where quoted material has been cut. I think it looks unprofessional.

But, again, that's my own bias.

User avatar
cinefile 17
Posts: 257
Joined: Wed Apr 14, 2010 10:32 pm

Re: Please help with personal statement

Postby cinefile 17 » Sat Aug 07, 2010 9:36 pm

SullaFelix wrote:Also, completely beside the point, but: personally, ellipses in formal writing always bother me, unless it's actually serving its intended purpose of denoting where quoted material has been cut. I think it looks unprofessional.

But, again, that's my own bias.


I agree. Omit the ellipses.

ufo0001
Posts: 24
Joined: Sat Aug 07, 2010 10:01 am

Re: Please help with personal statement

Postby ufo0001 » Sat Aug 07, 2010 9:38 pm

cinefile 17 wrote:
SullaFelix wrote:Also, completely beside the point, but: personally, ellipses in formal writing always bother me, unless it's actually serving its intended purpose of denoting where quoted material has been cut. I think it looks unprofessional.

But, again, that's my own bias.


I agree. Omit the ellipses.


oh trust me its gone




Return to “Law School Admissions Forum”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: aw_1234, rush4334 and 6 guests