Addendum For Suspension

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jayn3
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Re: Addendum For Suspension

Postby jayn3 » Sat Jun 12, 2010 4:05 pm

romothesavior wrote:Some of your word choice is still awkward. That first paragraph sounds especially odd. An addendum isn't a PS... it should be succint and crisp, not flowery and verbose.

truth

xyzzzzzzzz
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Re: Addendum For Suspension

Postby xyzzzzzzzz » Sat Jun 12, 2010 4:06 pm

.
Last edited by xyzzzzzzzz on Thu Jul 08, 2010 11:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

anonymousquestion
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Re: Addendum For Suspension

Postby anonymousquestion » Sat Jun 12, 2010 4:29 pm

Okay, guys. This is my last go-round. I have slightly edited it to be a bit more revealing about the facts, and cut down on my opinion on the facts:

In February of 2009, I had discovered that my girlfriend of two years had been physically intimate with several other individuals. Upset at the discovery of this information, I confided in several friends of mine who made a slanderous facebook page that posited my girlfriend in a way that was both dishonorable and unmerited. While I was not responsible for creating either the page or any of its content, after being notified of its existence, I failed to even request that it be removed and was deservingly placed on academic probation. Later, I exited one of my classes and upon coming off the elevator in my building to find my ex-girlfriend sitting on another male’s lap, and referred to her by a degrading term. The university stated that the aforementioned comment was in violation of the university’s zero tolerance anti-harassment policy, decided to immediately suspend me and waive my right to a hearing.

In the preceding months, I have repaired my standing and reputation at the university, and the same dean has offered to write me a letter of recommendation vouching for my character.

As an Orthodox Jew from a very closed minded gender role filled background, I admittedly had certain expectations from women, but have learned to be more open minded and not publicly pass judgment. I am deeply regretful for my actions not only because of how they represent a university and myself, but also how they represent my heritage.

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jayn3
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Re: Addendum For Suspension

Postby jayn3 » Sat Jun 12, 2010 4:33 pm

anonymousquestion wrote:Okay, guys. This is my last go-round. I have slightly edited it to be a bit more revealing about the facts, and cut down on my opinion on the facts:

In February of 2009, I had discovered that my girlfriend of two years had been physically intimate with several other individuals. Upset at the discovery of this information, I confided in several friends of mine, who proceeded to make a slanderous facebook page that posited my girlfriend in a way that was both dishonorable and unmerited. While I was not responsible for creating either the page or any of its content, after being notified of its existence, I failed to even request that it be removed and was deservingly leave judgment up to the adcomms placed on academic probation. Later, I exited one of my classes and upon coming off the elevator in my building to find my ex-girlfriend sitting on another male’s lap, and referred to her by a degrading term. The university stated that the aforementioned comment was in violation of the university’s zero tolerance anti-harassment policy, decided to immediately suspend me and waive my right to a hearing.

In the preceding months, I have repaired my standing and reputation at the university, and the same dean has offered to write me a letter of recommendation vouching for my character. Are the schools going to receive this letter? If so then draw their attention to that.....although you should make absolutely certain that the letter is positive.

As an Orthodox Jew from a very closed minded gender role filled background can you make this more concise? , I admittedly had certain expectations from women, but have learned to be more open minded and not publicly pass judgment. I am deeply regretful for my actions not only because of how they represent a university and myself, but also how they represent my heritage.

anonymousquestion
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Re: Addendum For Suspension

Postby anonymousquestion » Sat Jun 12, 2010 4:36 pm

In February of 2009, I had discovered that my girlfriend of two years had been physically intimate with several other individuals. I confided this information in several friends, who made a slanderous facebook page positing my girlfriend in a way that was dishonorable. While I did not create the page, I was aware of its creation and failed to request that it be removed. Later, I exited one of my classes and upon coming off the elevator in my building to find my ex-girlfriend sitting on another male’s lap, and referred to her by a degrading term. The Associate Dean of Student Affairs stated that I was in violation of the university’s zero tolerance anti-harassment policy, decided to immediately suspend me and waive my right to a hearing.

In the preceding months, I have repaired my standing and reputation at the university, and the very dean who suspended me has offered to write me a letter of recommendation vouching for my character.

As an Orthodox Jew from a very closed-minded background, I admittedly had certain expectations from women, but have learned to not publicly pass judgment. I am deeply regretful for my actions not only because of how they represent the university and myself, but also because of how they depict my religion.


Is disclosing really necessary to all schools? I know the dean had said at the time had I taken this deal, all info would be confidential and he'd have the other party sign a contract so that I could not be hurt in my future... plus I was asked to take a leave of absence, not literally "suspended." I don't however want any bar problems. How will this affect my app's in all of you guys' experience?

anonymousquestion
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Re: Addendum For Suspension

Postby anonymousquestion » Sat Jun 12, 2010 4:37 pm

romothesavior wrote:Okay, I put together a shorter draft of what you've written. Let me know what you think:

"I walked in on my girlfriend getting her meat wallet filled by a meaty summer sausage, and a few days later I saw her getting off the elevator with a guy on the football team. As she stood up and wiped off her mouth, I called her a dirty slut. She objected to this, ran to the dean of students (who she was also sleeping with), and I was suspended. (throw in something about Orthodox Judaism and homophobic Christians.)

This suspension was a violation of my constitutional right to free speech. I quote the late great Oliver Wendell Holmes, who wrote, "The question in every case is whether the words used are used in such circumstances and are of such a nature as to create a clear and present danger that they will bring about the substantive evils that the United States Congress has a right to prevent." My suspension was also a violation of the Consumer Protection Act of 2002, the Children's Internet Protection Act of 2000, and the Patriot Act. (It may be helpful to include relevent portions of these acts, including your own analysis of these acts and how they pertain to your case.)



funny shiz.

anonymousquestion
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Addendum for Disciplinary Action

Postby anonymousquestion » Sat Jun 12, 2010 4:41 pm

Hey, I posted about this before and used the great feedback from others to make my addendum more concise. I am hoping for feedback on its quality, if it can be improved and perhaps opinions (from your cycle experiences) on what I can expect the fall back to me. My #'s are good enough for Cornell. I can accept that it would kick me outta there, but how far down the ladder will this send me?

Here is the addendum:

In February of 2009, I had discovered that my girlfriend of two years had been physically intimate with several other individuals. I confided this information in several friends, who made a slanderous facebook page positing my girlfriend in a dishonorable light. While I did not create the page, I was aware of its creation and failed to request that it be removed. Later, I exited one of my classes and upon coming off the elevator in my building to find my ex-girlfriend sitting on another male’s lap, and referred to her by a degrading term. The Associate Dean of Student Affairs stated that I was in violation of the university’s zero tolerance anti-harassment policy, decided to immediately suspend me and waive my right to a hearing.

In the preceding months, I have repaired my standing and reputation at the university, and the very dean who suspended me has attached a letter of recommendation vouching for my character.

As an Orthodox Jew from a very closed-minded background, I admittedly had certain expectations for women, but have learned to not publicly pass judgment. I am deeply regretful for my actions not only because of how they represent the university and myself, but also because of how they depict my religion.

doublehoya0509
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Re: Addendum for Disciplinary Action

Postby doublehoya0509 » Sat Jun 12, 2010 4:45 pm

i have no constructive comment to provide..

all I have to say is that the world is way too PC if you can't verbally express your anger over a partner's infidelity.

anonymousquestion
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Re: Addendum for Disciplinary Action

Postby anonymousquestion » Sat Jun 12, 2010 4:46 pm

doublehoya0509 wrote:i have no constructive comment to provide..

all I have to say is that the world is way too PC if you can't verbally express your anger over a partner's infidelity.


i agree with this sentiment.

06132010
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Re: Addendum For Suspension

Postby 06132010 » Sat Jun 12, 2010 4:47 pm

anonymousquestion wrote:In February of 2009, I had discovered that my girlfriend of two years had been physically intimate with several other individuals. I confided this information in several friends, who made a slanderous facebook page positing my girlfriend in a way that was dishonorable. While I did not create the page, I was aware of its creation and failed to request that it be removed. Later, I exited one of my classes and upon coming off the elevator in my building to find my ex-girlfriend sitting on another male’s lap, and referred to her by a degrading term.

In February 2009, I insulted a classmate. The Associate Dean of Student Affairs stated that I was in violation of the university’s zero tolerance anti-harassment policy, decided to immediately suspend me and waived my right to a hearing.

In the preceding months, I have repaired my standing and reputation at the university, and the very dean who suspended me has offered to write me a letter of recommendation vouching for my character. As an Orthodox Jew from a very closed-minded background, I admittedly had certain expectations from women, but have learned to not publicly pass judgment.I am deeply regretful for my actions not only because of how they represent the university and myself, but also because of how they depict my religion.


FTFY

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yinz
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Re: Addendum for Disciplinary Action

Postby yinz » Sat Jun 12, 2010 4:48 pm

anonymousquestion wrote:In February of 2009, I had discovered that my girlfriend of two years had been physically intimate with several other individuals. I confided this information in several friends, who made a slanderous facebook page positing my girlfriend in a dishonorable light. While I did not create the page, I was aware of its creation and failed to request that it be removed. Later, I exited one of my classes and upon coming off the elevator in my building to find my ex-girlfriend sitting on another male’s lap, and referred to her by a degrading term. Condense, clear up, and remove extraneous flufferyThe Associate Dean of Student Affairs stated that I was in violation of the university’s zero tolerance anti-harassment policy, decided to immediately suspend me and waive my right to a hearing.Re-read that last sentence aloud; tell me what you think.

In the precedinghttp://dictionary.reference.com/browse/preceding months, I have repaired my standing and reputation at the university, and the very dean who suspended me has attached a letter of recommendation vouching for my character.

As an Orthodox Jew from a very closed-minded background, I admittedly had certain expectations for women, but have learned to not publicly pass judgment. I am deeply regretful for my actions not only because of how they represent the university and myself, but also because of how they depict my religion.
Last edited by yinz on Sat Jun 12, 2010 4:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

anonymousquestion
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Re: Addendum for Disciplinary Action

Postby anonymousquestion » Sat Jun 12, 2010 4:51 pm

yinz wrote:
anonymousquestion wrote:In February of 2009, I had discovered that my girlfriend of two years had been physically intimate with several other individuals. I confided this information in several friends, who made a slanderous facebook page positing my girlfriend in a dishonorable light. While I did not create the page, I was aware of its creation and failed to request that it be removed. Later, I exited one of my classes and upon coming off the elevator in my building to find my ex-girlfriend sitting on another male’s lap, and referred to her by a degrading term. Condense, clear up, and remove extraneous fufferyThe Associate Dean of Student Affairs stated that I was in violation of the university’s zero tolerance anti-harassment policy, decided to immediately suspend me and waive my right to a hearing.Re-read that last sentence aloud; tell me what you think.

In the precedinghttp://dictionary.reference.com/browse/preceding months, I have repaired my standing and reputation at the university, and the very dean who suspended me has attached a letter of recommendation vouching for my character.

As an Orthodox Jew from a very closed-minded background, I admittedly had certain expectations for women, but have learned to not publicly pass judgment. I am deeply regretful for my actions not only because of how they represent the university and myself, but also because of how they depict my religion.


hear you on that syntax, but do you really recommend i take out the comment on religion? i feel that knowing my background will provide more insight on where i'm coming from (that i wasn't just angry and flipping out), but passing judgment that i believed i was entitled to provide (or that would have been kosher in my high school or hometown).

anonymousquestion
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Re: Addendum For Suspension

Postby anonymousquestion » Sat Jun 12, 2010 4:53 pm

Nightrunner wrote:
booyakasha45 wrote:
anonymousquestion wrote:In February of 2009, I had discovered that my girlfriend of two years had been physically intimate with several other individuals. I confided this information in several friends, who made a slanderous facebook page positing my girlfriend in a way that was dishonorable. While I did not create the page, I was aware of its creation and failed to request that it be removed. Later, I exited one of my classes and upon coming off the elevator in my building to find my ex-girlfriend sitting on another male’s lap, and referred to her by a degrading term.

In February 2009, I insulted a classmate. The Associate Dean of Student Affairs stated that I was in violation of the university’s zero tolerance anti-harassment policy, decided to immediately suspend me and waived my right to a hearing.

In the preceding months, I have repaired my standing and reputation at the university, and the very dean who suspended me has offered to write me a letter of recommendation vouching for my character. As an Orthodox Jew from a very closed-minded background, I admittedly had certain expectations from women, but have learned to not publicly pass judgment.I am deeply regretful for my actions not only because of how they represent the university and myself, but also because of how they depict my religion.


FTFY


This is probably the best version to date.


a.) knowing that it was an ex girlfriend is not relevant?
b.) the fact my religion would have suggested i state what i stated is not relevant?

i don't want to come off angry or as a bully.

xyzzzzzzzz
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Re: Addendum For Suspension

Postby xyzzzzzzzz » Sat Jun 12, 2010 4:53 pm

.
Last edited by xyzzzzzzzz on Thu Jul 08, 2010 11:14 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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thecilent
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Re: Addendum For Suspension

Postby thecilent » Sat Jun 12, 2010 4:53 pm

Nightrunner wrote:
booyakasha45 wrote:
anonymousquestion wrote:In February of 2009, I had discovered that my girlfriend of two years had been physically intimate with several other individuals. I confided this information in several friends, who made a slanderous facebook page positing my girlfriend in a way that was dishonorable. While I did not create the page, I was aware of its creation and failed to request that it be removed. Later, I exited one of my classes and upon coming off the elevator in my building to find my ex-girlfriend sitting on another male’s lap, and referred to her by a degrading term.

In February 2009, I insulted a classmate. The Associate Dean of Student Affairs stated that I was in violation of the university’s zero tolerance anti-harassment policy, decided to immediately suspend me and waived my right to a hearing.

In the preceding months, I have repaired my standing and reputation at the university, and the very dean who suspended me has offered to write me a letter of recommendation vouching for my character. As an Orthodox Jew from a very closed-minded background, I admittedly had certain expectations from women, but have learned to not publicly pass judgment.I am deeply regretful for my actions not only because of how they represent the university and myself, but also because of how they depict my religion.


FTFY


This is probably the best version to date.


He's right. This is seriously all you should really put.

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mallard
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Re: Addendum For Suspension

Postby mallard » Sat Jun 12, 2010 4:54 pm

anonymousquestion wrote:a.) knowing that it was an ex girlfriend is not relevant?
b.) the fact my religion would have suggested i state what i stated is not relevant?

i don't want to come off angry or as a bully.


You don't want to come off insane, either. Use booya's version.

06132010
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Re: Addendum For Suspension

Postby 06132010 » Sat Jun 12, 2010 4:55 pm

anonymousquestion wrote:a.) knowing that it was an ex girlfriend is not relevant?
b.) the fact my religion would have suggested i state what i stated is not relevant?

i don't want to come off angry or as a bully.


a) I think details make you sound worse.
b) You think liberal academics are going look favorably upon your religious judgments about how women should behave?
c) Keep it short, keep it vague, don't make excuses.

anonymousquestion
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Re: Addendum For Suspension

Postby anonymousquestion » Sat Jun 12, 2010 4:56 pm

Cilent21 wrote:
Nightrunner wrote:
booyakasha45 wrote:
anonymousquestion wrote:In February of 2009, I had discovered that my girlfriend of two years had been physically intimate with several other individuals. I confided this information in several friends, who made a slanderous facebook page positing my girlfriend in a way that was dishonorable. While I did not create the page, I was aware of its creation and failed to request that it be removed. Later, I exited one of my classes and upon coming off the elevator in my building to find my ex-girlfriend sitting on another male’s lap, and referred to her by a degrading term.

In February 2009, I insulted a classmate. The Associate Dean of Student Affairs stated that I was in violation of the university’s zero tolerance anti-harassment policy, decided to immediately suspend me and waived my right to a hearing.

In the preceding months, I have repaired my standing and reputation at the university, and the very dean who suspended me has offered to write me a letter of recommendation vouching for my character. As an Orthodox Jew from a very closed-minded background, I admittedly had certain expectations from women, but have learned to not publicly pass judgment.I am deeply regretful for my actions not only because of how they represent the university and myself, but also because of how they depict my religion.


FTFY


This is probably the best version to date.


He's right. This is seriously all you should really put.


i am afraid this will make it look worse than it really is?

anonymousquestion
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Re: Addendum For Suspension

Postby anonymousquestion » Sat Jun 12, 2010 5:01 pm

Nightrunner wrote:If you want to add slightly more to make the statement answer a few more questions than it asks, that's probably decent...but the more details of the situation you give the more you put "you at your worst" into their heads as "your character," which is a mistake.


In February of 2009, I had discovered that my girlfriend of two years had been physically intimate with several other individuals, and later referred to her in dishonorable fashion. The Associate Dean of Student Affairs stated that I was in violation of the university’s zero tolerance anti-harassment policy, and suspended me. In the preceding months, I have repaired my standing and reputation at the university, and the very dean who suspended me has written me a letter of recommendation vouching for my character. I am deeply regretful for my actions because of how they represent the university and myself.

this is more concise, less details, but are they going to be like "we need more info"?
Last edited by anonymousquestion on Sat Jun 12, 2010 5:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

06132010
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Re: Addendum For Suspension

Postby 06132010 » Sat Jun 12, 2010 5:03 pm

I really think you need to leave out the part about your girlfriend fucking other people.

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mallard
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Re: Addendum For Suspension

Postby mallard » Sat Jun 12, 2010 5:06 pm

anonymousquestion wrote:
Nightrunner wrote:If you want to add slightly more to make the statement answer a few more questions than it asks, that's probably decent...but the more details of the situation you give the more you put "you at your worst" into their heads as "your character," which is a mistake.


In February of 2009, I had discovered that my girlfriend of two years had been physically intimate with several other individuals, and later referred to her in dishonorable fashion. The Associate Dean of Student Affairs stated that I was in violation of the university’s zero tolerance anti-harassment policy, and suspended me. In the preceding months, I have repaired my standing and reputation at the university, and the very dean who suspended me has written me a letter of recommendation vouching for my character. I am deeply regretful for my actions because of how they represent the university and myself.

this is more concise, less details, but are they going to be like "we need more info"?


No. They are going to be like oh my fucking God why are you telling me about your girlfriend's pussy I'm an admissions officer not a psychiatrist please God get this sheet of paper away from me I need to vomit I need to vomit my hands are clammy and my skin is crawling please God get this application away from me.

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yinz
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Re: Addendum For Suspension

Postby yinz » Sat Jun 12, 2010 5:07 pm

mallard wrote:
No. They are going to be like oh my fucking God why are you telling me about your girlfriend's pussy I'm an admissions officer not a psychiatrist please God get this sheet of paper away from me I need to vomit I need to vomit my hands are clammy and my skin is crawling please God get this application away from me.


quote of the day?

06132010
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Re: Addendum For Suspension

Postby 06132010 » Sat Jun 12, 2010 5:08 pm

mallard wrote:
anonymousquestion wrote:
Nightrunner wrote:If you want to add slightly more to make the statement answer a few more questions than it asks, that's probably decent...but the more details of the situation you give the more you put "you at your worst" into their heads as "your character," which is a mistake.


In February of 2009, I had discovered that my girlfriend of two years had been physically intimate with several other individuals, and later referred to her in dishonorable fashion. The Associate Dean of Student Affairs stated that I was in violation of the university’s zero tolerance anti-harassment policy, and suspended me. In the preceding months, I have repaired my standing and reputation at the university, and the very dean who suspended me has written me a letter of recommendation vouching for my character. I am deeply regretful for my actions because of how they represent the university and myself.

this is more concise, less details, but are they going to be like "we need more info"?


No. They are going to be like oh my fucking God why are you telling me about your girlfriend's pussy I'm an admissions officer not a psychiatrist please God get this sheet of paper away from me I need to vomit I need to vomit my hands are clammy and my skin is crawling please God get this application away from me.


The only way to appropriately refer to your girlfriend's pussy in an addendum is via haiku.

Miniver
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Re: Addendum For Suspension

Postby Miniver » Sat Jun 12, 2010 5:09 pm

...
Last edited by Miniver on Wed Jul 07, 2010 4:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

06132010
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Re: Addendum For Suspension

Postby 06132010 » Sat Jun 12, 2010 5:11 pm

Miniver wrote:I don't know. I think providing one sentence about the girlfriend provides some necessary context as to what the suspension was about. If he just says, "I insulted a classmate," then I think there's just a little much ambiguity. It could lead to incorrect assumptions that OP is trying to hide something, or that he possibly said something truly outrageous (e.g., racist remark). However, maybe drop the "physically intimate with several other individuals." Just say you found out she had been "unfaithful."


The girlfriend information is completely inappropriate and makes it look like he's trying to justify his behavior.




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