GPA Addendum - Sample Forum

[recaldo]

Kalvano's criticisms are not legit. Sorry. He is not someone to take advice from anyway.

You do realize that you antagonized him first, don't you? You brought his negativity upon yourself with the way you responded. Anyways, an ad hom attack in no way invalidates his advice.

He is right in saying that the format of your addendum is not going to help you, that if you want it to help your application you need to reformat it or make this the topic in your PS.

1) I did not antagonize him first. Please post evidence of this.

2)He is saying other things, BK. That's why I am upset. He is saying cruel things about psych history, about the writing sucking, and making other judgements that he is no way qualified to make. Sorry, that's not ad hominem attack. It's logical.

[recaldo]

Since you're apparently unable to master the delicate intricacies of the quote button, I'll spare you that torment.

I did read it, and the quality of writing is not good. It sounds like a high school freshman who thinks big words compensate for lack of direction and clarity. For instance, you use the term "orphan", but you don't meet the criteria, nor do you provide any reason for putting it in there. You have no real direction, the point of the writing is hazy at best, and come off as more than slightly delicate, which isn't a good way to present yourself.

The piece needs a total overhaul, whether it's a GPA addendum or a personal statement. It's muddled, doesn't make the case you are trying to make, and sounds like you spent more time with a thesaurus than actually trying to write.

Kalvano, please post here your personal statement or your writing sample to show us what good writing is? Thank you.

This is not how you go about soliciting advice on this BBS.

You posted a piece asking people to critique it, they did, so don't get butthurt when somebody rips it.

Take his advice, condense it, remove the hyperbole, stick to facts. Don't try to tell a story.

[recaldo]

Edit

[hotdog123]

Since you're apparently unable to master the delicate intricacies of the quote button, I'll spare you that torment.

I did read it, and the quality of writing is not good. It sounds like a high school freshman who thinks big words compensate for lack of direction and clarity. For instance, you use the term "orphan", but you don't meet the criteria, nor do you provide any reason for putting it in there. You have no real direction, the point of the writing is hazy at best, and come off as more than slightly delicate, which isn't a good way to present yourself.

The piece needs a total overhaul, whether it's a GPA addendum or a personal statement. It's muddled, doesn't make the case you are trying to make, and sounds like you spent more time with a thesaurus than actually trying to write.

Kalvano, please post here your personal statement or your writing sample to show us what good writing is? Thank you.

This is not how you go about soliciting advice on this BBS.

You posted a piece asking people to critique it, they did, so don't get butthurt when somebody rips it.

Take his advice, condense it, remove the hyperbole, stick to facts. Don't try to tell a story.

Do you go about taking advice from everyone? No you don't. I would like to see what he thinks is good writing. I am more educated than him so I would be able to judge better if he can't put his money where his mouth is.

Everyone? No. Just everyone that is right. And he's right.

One thing is for certain; in the context of how this piece will be viewed/used, it is written incorrectly.

If you want to go into "good" writing vs. "bad" writing, that's a different, more subjective argument.

[d34d9823]

Please critique this GPA Addendum or Personal Statement. Thanks.

Morocco, where squat concrete apartment blocks intersect the sighing remains of ancient battlements, was my adopted home for the summer as a student, researcher, and American Muslim. On my last day, amidst the brilliant redness, I clung tightly to my wearied sense of scholarly distance.

“Are you American?” – the query from my cab driver was delivered with quivering anticipation. I answered with the disappointment of having been ‘discovered.’

Nearing the airport, my response initiated a finger-wagging lecture about the perils of America’s project in the Middle East. I sulked out of the taxi, frustrated at being denounced for what I was not.

Later that day, I arrived in New York, my home since birth, and snaked my way to passport control – a security zone that pays affectionate homage to Foucault and his ‘panopticon.’ Where double-sided mirrors, and concealed personal information on foggy computer screens form discreet matrices of ‘power’ and ‘knowledge,’ reflected in the flickering countenance of an agent thumbing his way through my collection of visas from the Arab world.

“You’re not from America, are you?” he asked incredulously.

As I dejectedly gathered my bags from luggage claim, I realized that the darkening social climate could in fact penetrate my academic robe. ‘Power’ could confront ‘knowledge.’

Amidst the pitched clashes of identity, and the mutual suspicions straddling the Atlantic and beyond, there is interstitial space between East and West, where fearless thinkers reside. Here I discover my true self. Comfortable nowhere, except in my own skin.

This one is way better; I still have a few issues with it but it's not bad. It would still be out of place as an addendum though. As others have said, an addendum should be about a paragraph and stick to facts.

[kalvano]

Please critique this GPA Addendum or Personal Statement. Thanks.

Morocco, where squat concrete apartment blocks intersect the sighing remains of ancient battlements, was my adopted home for the summer as a student, researcher, and American Muslim. On my last day, amidst the brilliant redness, I clung tightly to my wearied sense of scholarly distance.

“Are you American?” – the query from my cab driver was delivered with quivering anticipation. I answered with the disappointment of having been ‘discovered.’

Nearing the airport, my response initiated a finger-wagging lecture about the perils of America’s project in the Middle East. I sulked out of the taxi, frustrated at being denounced for what I was not.

Later that day, I arrived in New York, my home since birth, and snaked my way to passport control – a security zone that pays affectionate homage to Foucault and his ‘panopticon.’ Where double-sided mirrors, and concealed personal information on foggy computer screens form discreet matrices of ‘power’ and ‘knowledge,’ reflected in the flickering countenance of an agent thumbing his way through my collection of visas from the Arab world.

“You’re not from America, are you?” he asked incredulously.

As I dejectedly gathered my bags from luggage claim, I realized that the darkening social climate could in fact penetrate my academic robe. ‘Power’ could confront ‘knowledge.’

Amidst the pitched clashes of identity, and the mutual suspicions straddling the Atlantic and beyond, there is interstitial space between East and West, where fearless thinkers reside. Here I discover my true self. Comfortable nowhere, except in my own skin.

That's nicely plagiarized.


http://www.top-law-schools.com/forums/v ... &start=225

[recaldo]

Edit

[recaldo]

Please critique this GPA Addendum or Personal Statement. Thanks.

Morocco, where squat concrete apartment blocks intersect the sighing remains of ancient battlements, was my adopted home for the summer as a student, researcher, and American Muslim. On my last day, amidst the brilliant redness, I clung tightly to my wearied sense of scholarly distance.

“Are you American?” – the query from my cab driver was delivered with quivering anticipation. I answered with the disappointment of having been ‘discovered.’

Nearing the airport, my response initiated a finger-wagging lecture about the perils of America’s project in the Middle East. I sulked out of the taxi, frustrated at being denounced for what I was not.

Later that day, I arrived in New York, my home since birth, and snaked my way to passport control – a security zone that pays affectionate homage to Foucault and his ‘panopticon.’ Where double-sided mirrors, and concealed personal information on foggy computer screens form discreet matrices of ‘power’ and ‘knowledge,’ reflected in the flickering countenance of an agent thumbing his way through my collection of visas from the Arab world.

“You’re not from America, are you?” he asked incredulously.

As I dejectedly gathered my bags from luggage claim, I realized that the darkening social climate could in fact penetrate my academic robe. ‘Power’ could confront ‘knowledge.’

Amidst the pitched clashes of identity, and the mutual suspicions straddling the Atlantic and beyond, there is interstitial space between East and West, where fearless thinkers reside. Here I discover my true self. Comfortable nowhere, except in my own skin.

This one is way better; I still have a few issues with it but it's not bad. It would still be out of place as an addendum though. As others have said, an addendum should be about a paragraph and stick to facts.

"Few issues with it but not bad." LOL. My friend's essay who is going to Yale. Your advice is worthless.

[hotdog123]

It's not plagarism if you didn't say it was yours. Which I did not. You are the dumbest person on the planet.

So why the fuck did you post it, then? Just to be a jerk and waste people's time?

I'm really beginning to hope that nobody helps you, since your attitude is so shitty, you really don't seem to deserve it.

[recaldo]

How does it waste people's time to create metrics to see if anyone here knows what they are talking about?

[Billy Blanks]

ITT: "Logic" is used to argue "various positions" in a "spirited debate."

[kalvano]

Go back through that thread a bit. Full of idiots just like this guy.

Like I said, I'm guessing alt.

[recaldo]

Go back through that thread a bit. Full of idiots just like this guy.

Like I said, I'm guessing alt.

Please tell everyone here how I am an idiot. I would like to know as well. Thanks.

[Billy Blanks]

Go back through that thread a bit. Full of idiots just like this guy.

Like I said, I'm guessing alt.

Please tell everyone here how I am an idiot. I would like to know as well. Thanks.

I have no dog in this fight, but I am curious to whom (or what) that "as well" refers?

[Bildungsroman]

Let me get this pattern of behavior down:

1. Ask people's opinion on a personal statement (written by someone else).
2. Insult people who disagree with your own assessment.
3. Get petulant when people point out actual source of personal statement.
4. Establish a metric through which only those people whose opinions and beliefs match yours exactly are deemed worthy of commenting on things you write.
5. Fail to realize how counterproductive that is.
6. ???
7. Everybody ignores your shit GPA.

[d34d9823]

Please critique this GPA Addendum or Personal Statement. Thanks.

Morocco, where squat concrete apartment blocks intersect the [strike]sighing[/strike]melodrama remains of ancient battlements, was my adopted home for the summer as a student, researcher, and American Muslim. On my last day, amidst the brilliant redness, I clung tightly to my wearied sense of scholarly distance.

“Are you American?” – the query from my cab driver was delivered with [strike]quivering[/strike]melodrama anticipation. I answered with the disappointment of having been ‘discovered.’This sentence is excellent.

Nearing the airport, my response initiated a finger-wagging lecture about the perils of America’s project in the Middle East. I sulked out of the taxi, frustrated at being denounced for what I was not.This paragraph is great.

Later that day, I arrived in New York, my home since birth, and snaked my way to passport control – a security zone that pays [strike]affectionate[/strike]the Foucault reference is awesome, but affectionate is out of place since the homage is unintentional homage to Foucault and his ‘panopticon.’ Where double-sided mirrors, and concealed personal information on foggy computer screens form [strike]discreet[/strike]not sure if this should be discrete; both words seem out of place here matrices of ‘power’ and ‘knowledge,’ reflected in the flickering [strike]countenance[/strike]thesaurizing: expression would be better here of an agent thumbing his way through my collection of visas from the Arab world.

“You’re not from America, are you?” he asked incredulously.

As I dejectedly gathered my bags from luggage claim, I realized that the darkening social climate could in fact penetrate my academic robe. ‘Power’ could confront ‘knowledge.’

Amidst the pitched clashes of identity, and the mutual suspicions straddling the Atlantic and beyond, there is interstitial space between East and West, where fearless thinkersseriously? fearless thinkers? reside. Here I discover my true self. Comfortable nowhere, except in my own skin.

This one is way better; I still have a few issues with it but it's not bad. It would still be out of place as an addendum though. As others have said, an addendum should be about a paragraph and stick to facts.

"Few issues with it but not bad." LOL. My friend's essay who is going to Yale. Your advice is worthless.

Dude, I said it was pretty good. That said, your friend did not get into Yale on the strength of his essay if this is what he submitted. I've edited as appropriate.

[recaldo]

I asked Kalvano. Please Kalvano, go ahead and tell everyone how I am an idiot.

[JWicker10]

Way too long. Also, this reads like a personal statement rather than a GPA addendum. Finally, I find the ending very weak, I'm over it? You never even explain how these dramatic events causally affected your performance. I'd recommend a re-write. Shorten this way up, 1 long paragraph or 2 short ones, tops.

I'd be more direct and upfront about the issues and problems you faced rather than the wishy-washy explanation you give. Instead, save this story, expand on it, edit it (a lot) and use it as your personal statement.

[hotdog123]

How does it waste people's time to create metrics to see if anyone here knows what they are talking about?

LOL... "metrics".

What is your "metric" for judging people's comments on that PS? The fact that you think it is *the* perfect PS (because of the school someone is headed to no less), so any criticism is automatically a sign that someone "doesn't know what they are talking about"? Talk about fucked up "metrics" and busted reasoning. You're being far too argumentative and defensive for someone who is asking *for a favor* from other posters. These guys could think Keats' poetry was shit or Shakespeare was a hack and it wouldn't have any affect on the fact that that they've told you the truth and given you sound advice that you obviously have no interest in taking. Honestly, you deserve whatever shitty outcome your GPA gets you with this kind of attitude. Good luck, you're going to need it.

[recaldo]

Let me get this pattern of behavior down:

1. Ask people's opinion on a personal statement (written by someone else).
2. Insult people who disagree with your own assessment.
3. Get petulant when people point out actual source of personal statement.
4. Establish a metric through which only those people whose opinions and beliefs match yours exactly are deemed worthy of commenting on things you write.
5. Fail to realize how counterproductive that is.
6. ???
7. Everybody ignores your shit GPA.

Wrong. I will correct. You have no read through the threads.

1. Ask people's opinion on a GPA ADDENDUM (written by ME).
2. Appreciate and thank for advice about the format of a GPA ADdendum.
3. Question commenters making very subjective statements that are hurtful, and I believe wrong(such as this is flame and that I sound crazy). I question them by judging their intelligence and judgement.
4. I do that by posting an essay of a friend who got into Yale to see their opinions. (Establishing metric)
5. People think shitty things about a good essay.
6. People get mad because they were somehow "tricked" into thinking it was my essay, even though I didnt say it was at anytime and am saying now it isn't.
7. Fending off assholes.

[d34d9823]

5. People think shitty things about a good essay.

Dude, this just isn't true. I was the only one to make a value judgement, and I said it was pretty good.

The guy who said it's plagiarized is criticizing you, not the essay.

[Janus]

Wow, this thread went down in flames to the point it's now pointless.

But, to add to it...

Just because you have provided a personal statement by someone who will be attending Yale, does not mean it is the Gold standard by which all other personal statements should be judged. It does not mean the personal statement is flawless. Indeed, had I been asked to revise it, there are things about it I would revise.

Just tell everyone you understand it should be your personal statement. Then, rewrite it and repost it for the next set of revisions. The end.

[recaldo]

Edited for obvious reasons

[recaldo]

Edited for obvious reasons

[Bildungsroman]

5. People think shitty things about a good essay.

Dude, this just isn't true. I was the only one to make a value judgement, and I said it was pretty good.

The guy who said it's plagiarized is criticizing you, not the essay.

You made a value judgement and said "Not bad." You also said you would fix up some things.

This shows how ridiculous your ego is and how you can not be trusted to accurately critique anything. This is a winning Yale essay. This is someone with only a 172 LSAT. This is somehow who got in cause of his Yale 250, and this is it. Yet it's merely "not bad." Sorry man, but you know not of what you speak.

Two things:

1. Just because it's an essay written by someone who got into Yale does not make it perfect and above criticism.
2. You use pretentious language, and you use it very clumsily. Make sure to have someone check your PS and any addendum you write for this before you submit them. Just a bit of helpful advice.