Scholly Negotiation Letter - Suggestions needed? THANKS

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legalornot
Posts: 30
Joined: Sun Mar 21, 2010 10:46 am

Scholly Negotiation Letter - Suggestions needed? THANKS

Postby legalornot » Wed Mar 24, 2010 1:31 pm

Dear Dean _______:

Thank you for your offer of admission to X Law. I was pleased and honored when I received the acceptance letter as X Law is my ideal law school and one of my top choices. I am strongly attracted to X Law's history of producing outstanding trial and corporate lawyers, nationally respected faculty, and a convenient location that is close to my home in ____________.

Recently, however, I have received a generous scholarship of $30,000 per year from Y Law and $20,000 per year from Z Law. I am wondering if X Law offered similar sorts of scholarships.

Due to my financial constraints, paying for my legal education is one of the most important factors in my consideration of schools to attend. While Y and Z’s generous scholarships are certainly appealing, receiving a scholarship or any grants would certainly allow me to put down a deposit with comfort.

Again, I sincerely appreciate your offer of admission. X’s Law is an outstanding legal institution, and I hope that you will provide me with the means to join the Class of 2013. I look forward to your favorable response. Also, it would be greatly appreciated if you would confirm that this email was received.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration!

Sincerely,

Person who needs $$$

legalornot
Posts: 30
Joined: Sun Mar 21, 2010 10:46 am

Re: Scholly Negotiation Letter - Suggestions needed? THANKS

Postby legalornot » Wed Mar 24, 2010 1:36 pm

This is for a school that I think I should've gotten some $$$ from.

User avatar
sapp
Posts: 151
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2009 12:33 pm

Re: Scholly Negotiation Letter - Suggestions needed? THANKS

Postby sapp » Wed Mar 24, 2010 1:42 pm

While Y and Z’s generous scholarships are certainly appealing, receiving a scholarship or any grants would certainly allow me to put down a deposit with comfort.


This sentence came off a little awkward. I understand what you're trying to say. It just could use a little tweaking.

Maybe something like…

While X remains one of my top choices, the reduced cost of attending Y or Z due to their scholarship offers make me hesitate to submit my deposit to X. I respectfully request that you reconsider my application for any available scholarships or grants that may help alleviate my financial concerns and allow me to matriculate at X.

Just the part where you went from talking about Y & Z to talking about putting a seat deposit down at X (without mentioning X again) seemed odd.

"a scholarship or any grants" seemed odd too. Either use a scholarship or grant or any scholarships or any grants (both singular or both plural).

Also, saying "put down a deposit" seemed a little informal to me.

My 2 pennies! :)

legalornot
Posts: 30
Joined: Sun Mar 21, 2010 10:46 am

Re: Scholly Negotiation Letter - Suggestions needed? THANKS

Postby legalornot » Wed Mar 24, 2010 1:44 pm

I like it sapp... good stuff!

rando
Posts: 908
Joined: Tue Mar 09, 2010 1:57 pm

Re: Scholly Negotiation Letter - Suggestions needed? THANKS

Postby rando » Wed Mar 24, 2010 1:48 pm

legalornot wrote: Also, it would be greatly appreciated if you would confirm that this email was received.


Just skimmed it - content looks good in general. But this sentence jumped out and bit me. Avoid passive voice at all costs.

legalornot
Posts: 30
Joined: Sun Mar 21, 2010 10:46 am

Re: Scholly Negotiation Letter - Suggestions needed? THANKS

Postby legalornot » Wed Mar 24, 2010 1:52 pm

Thanks all. I really appreciate it.

Also, how can I approach a school that is currently giving me the most $$$ to give even more? can I ask about need based grants?

sorry I'm greedy but I really need the money.




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