EDIT: Thanks for your help.

I have a very similar story to your own, so I know how hard it is to write about identity search and how this led to excessive drinking and partying in college in a PS. But like I failed, I think you have too.

Instead, emphasize your childhood and high school years, and jump to your better years in college and leadership activities in your PS (keep it positive and look to the future through these experiences). Then write an addendum for your GPA, and I think in this case it would be ok to have a longer addendum, but try to fit it in onto one page.




And make sure to have your grammar looked at.

Your first sentence is really loaded. Try unpacking it. I know all of it is important but try to get the message across with less.

Overall, it's pretty solid. I did, however, notice a couple of things...

1) Beginning is loaded and a little dry, try unpacking it and/or making it grab reader's attention more.

2) The double semicolon sentence in the first paragraph should be reworked.

3) In the beginning of paragraph 4 you talk about "academic and self-confidence." It seems a little muddy/clunky. I would reword this to be more clear. Do you mean "academics and self-confidence" or your confidence in yourself and your academic abilities?

4) In the second to last paragraph your sentence about facilitating is too wordy for my taste. I would break that down into two or three sentences.

Other than that it's a good PS! It really shows diversity and hardship which is always a plus. Nice work

Thanks everybody who has critiqued/left feedback. I sincerely appreciate each and every input! I will address the edits, etc. in my final draft.



While I appreciate your feedback and concern, What's an URM?, I believe that emphasizing my childhood and high school years is almost irrelevant, at best, mainly because I believe that AdComms like to use personal statements to calculate and measure one's personal growth, whether in or since college. It is from this perspective, that AdComm members can understand and begin to create an image of the applicant's personality. I sincerely believe using one's high school/childhood experiences is better fit for a college admissions essay.

With regard to my PS, if I were to include that information, it would make for a dull story and is not necessary in understanding my struggles and personal transformation while I was in college. I believe mentioning my struggles in college and then focusing and highlighting the effects of my transformation would make the point of my capabilities and accountability. So, in this respect, I don't think I failed at all. Furthermore, I am looking to use my PS to complement my GPA addendum and vice-versa.

But, I sincerely appreciate your intent and input in offering your feedback. Thanks!

Sure. I'm glad I'm wrong.