Here is my 4th draft of my PS...I've cut it down significantly since having it edited and revised 3 different times before...I may look to do one more draft but am willing to send it out if I feel it is good enough.

I need as much advice, revision and criticism as possible. Thanks in advance!

P.S.- The essay is under 2 pages in 11 Font. I spaced between the paragraphs for the sake of visual clarity in this post.
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My experiences in grappling with my heritage, family and morality consumed my self-confidence, emotional health and spiritual well-being while forcing me to direct my energy and focus within. Becoming an independent individual was my biggest obsession—and obstacle. Facing severe financial hardships, my parents’ desperate, yet genuine optimism for the future was manifested by their efforts to provide me with a prestigious college education. However, the education I received not only allowed me the opportunity to earn my Bachelor of Arts degree, but also aided me in overcoming the obstacle of discovery of my identity.

I was a fairly sheltered individual in high school. Being the first-born child to Haitian immigrants, there simply was not much opportunity, nor tolerance, for any activity or behavior not involving academics. This carried over into my first two years of college as I focused heavily on my academics at the expense of being viewed as an oddball by my peers, especially within the black student population. Feeling excluded from what seemed to be the complete college experience (parties, liquor and hook-ups), I felt compelled to pledge for Iota Phi Theta Fraternity, Inc.; by the end of my sophomore year, my fraternity letters created a new image for me; I had my own clique, was finally able to draw female attention and was recognized among peers.

In my junior year, I was consumed by my image and popularity on campus and within the Boston Greek network. Getting drunk, chasing girls and dance parties satisfied me more than succeeding academically. My relationship with God deteriorated and communication between me and my parents broke down. Succumbing to peer pressure, I had fallen to the nadir of my spiritual, emotional and intellectual welfare and lost respect among certain loved ones. My identity collapse was compounded by the death of my closest relative, Aunt Julie, whose body finally surrendered to Leukemia during winter break. The last time we saw each other, she, with her weakened vocal chords, vehemently scolded me for my awful academic performance, upon hearing about it from my parents. I still cannot forgive myself for allowing her to pass away knowing that I was wasting my parents’ sacrifices. With the recurring image of my aunt imploring me to change my ways, I aimed to re-discover myself.

The second semester of my junior year was dedicated to finding the elusive middle path that would allow me to perform academically while discovering my self. Through determination, sacrifice and prayer, I steadily resuscitated my academic and self confidence. Pushing myself to be more proactive, I engaged myself further in extracurricular activities, especially in the Haitian Association which inspired my awareness and appreciation for my Haitian heritage. This inspiration led me to becoming active in heightening the student body’s awareness of Haiti’s history and, thus, identifying myself with my family. In an effort to draw even more attention to the issues facing the black community and greater society, I conducted empirical research, relying on the previous data of scholars, such as Michael Eric Dyson and W.E.B. Du Bois, and the input of college students from different geographical regions, which strengthened my analytical and written skills.

Utilizing the lessons attained from my past emotional, spiritual and domestic distress, I had evolved into a mature leader brimming with a desire for intellectual pursuit by my senior year. Facilitating on-campus town hall discussions focusing on issues, such as inner-city violence and racial profiling, and establishing rapport with leaders of various culture clubs and the student government instilled confidence in me as a leadership figure on campus and gained the respect and admiration of my peers. My growth committed me to working on behalf the underrepresented and disenfranchised, especially within the Haitian community, and has allowed me to find my niche in the field of law. Working as a legal intern, I am currently privileged with opportunity to make use of my developed skills to aid in working on behalf the office’s clients, many of whom are members of Boston’s Haitian community.

The lessons attained from my experience in college have molded me into a socially conscious individual and a scholar for intellectual pursuit. Pursuing a law school education will enable me to further develop my analytical and research skills and leadership capabilities, to become an advocate on behalf of underrepresented and disenfranchised communities.
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Thanks for your help and please feel free to critique and make suggestions.

I have a very similar story to your own, so I know how hard it is to write about identity search and how this led to excessive drinking and partying in college in a PS. But like I failed, I think you have too.

Instead, emphasize your childhood and high school years, and jump to your better years in college and leadership activities in your PS (keep it positive and look to the future through these experiences). Then write an addendum for your GPA, and I think in this case it would be ok to have a longer addendum, but try to fit it in onto one page.




And make sure to have your grammar looked at.

Your first sentence is really loaded. Try unpacking it. I know all of it is important but try to get the message across with less.

Overall, it's pretty solid. I did, however, notice a couple of things...

1) Beginning is loaded and a little dry, try unpacking it and/or making it grab reader's attention more.

2) The double semicolon sentence in the first paragraph should be reworked.

3) In the beginning of paragraph 4 you talk about "academic and self-confidence." It seems a little muddy/clunky. I would reword this to be more clear. Do you mean "academics and self-confidence" or your confidence in yourself and your academic abilities?

4) In the second to last paragraph your sentence about facilitating is too wordy for my taste. I would break that down into two or three sentences.

Other than that it's a good PS! It really shows diversity and hardship which is always a plus. Nice work

Thanks everybody who has critiqued/left feedback. I sincerely appreciate each and every input! I will address the edits, etc. in my final draft.



While I appreciate your feedback and concern, What's an URM?, I believe that emphasizing my childhood and high school years is almost irrelevant, at best, mainly because I believe that AdComms like to use personal statements to calculate and measure one's personal growth, whether in or since college. It is from this perspective, that AdComm members can understand and begin to create an image of the applicant's personality. I sincerely believe using one's high school/childhood experiences is better fit for a college admissions essay.

With regard to my PS, if I were to include that information, it would make for a dull story and is not necessary in understanding my struggles and personal transformation while I was in college. I believe mentioning my struggles in college and then focusing and highlighting the effects of my transformation would make the point of my capabilities and accountability. So, in this respect, I don't think I failed at all. Furthermore, I am looking to use my PS to complement my GPA addendum and vice-versa.

But, I sincerely appreciate your intent and input in offering your feedback. Thanks!

Sure. I'm glad I'm wrong.