Top-Law-Schools.comTLS
Home
Law School
Admissions
Law
Schools
Law
Students
TLS
Forums
 
Forum Index     Latest Forum Posts     Advanced Forum Search     See Also: Rankings/Profiles   Interviews   LSAT Prep   TLS Stats


All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 11 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: Personal Statement, Third Draft! Please take a look!
PostPosted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 5:18 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Wed Aug 19, 2009 12:29 pm
Posts: 319
Thanks.


Last edited by Eruannon on Fri Nov 13, 2009 3:43 pm, edited 5 times in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Personal Statement, Please take a look!!!
PostPosted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 1:11 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Wed Aug 19, 2009 12:29 pm
Posts: 319
If anyone is willing to review this I would be more than happy to do the same for them. Just PM me a link or post something on this thread.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Personal Statement, Please take a look!!!
PostPosted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 1:24 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Fri Feb 20, 2009 7:07 pm
Posts: 459
No need to review mine - it's already sent in.

My perspective:
- your word choice and sentence construction seems a bit relaxed
- your middle paragraphs are droning by stating the experiences rather than adding dimension by showing how you changed internally or grew as a person
- the final sentences are not powerful enough to close your personal statement

I very honestly think that you need to spend a few hours reworking this on your own before reposting to TLS. People on TLS can give perspective, but only Rumpelstiltskin can turn straw into gold.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Personal Statement, Please take a look!!!
PostPosted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 11:48 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Wed Aug 19, 2009 12:29 pm
Posts: 319
Thanks for the advice. I reworked the statement and think this one is much better than the last. Let me know what you think.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Personal Statement, Third Draft! Please take a look!
PostPosted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 3:48 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Wed Aug 19, 2009 12:29 pm
Posts: 319
The last paragraph is where most of my concerns lie. Also just general grammar and flow issues are a concern, even though it has been looked at by a few people.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Personal Statement, Third Draft! Please take a look!
PostPosted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 3:52 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2009 7:28 pm
Posts: 94
Off the top of my head don't start a sentence with "And".

Also I would try to take a closer look at your use of commas. Read the sentences aloud and try to see where you may not need them. Perhaps it's personal taste but I think you overuse them.

HTH.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Personal Statement, Third Draft! Please take a look!
PostPosted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 4:43 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Wed Aug 19, 2009 12:29 pm
Posts: 319
I agree I am a bit comma heavy, I'll have to read it aloud a couple times. The issue with starting a sentence with "And", I have read that this is okay, just to use sparingly. Any thoughts on this?


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Personal Statement, Third Draft! Please take a look!
PostPosted: Sat Nov 07, 2009 5:43 am 
Offline

Joined: Wed Jan 07, 2009 6:15 am
Posts: 10
PM'd you some edits. It's a good start, but you have some sharpening and editing left to do.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Personal Statement, Third Draft! Please take a look!
PostPosted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 1:53 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Feb 08, 2009 2:35 pm
Posts: 333
.


Last edited by njskatchmo on Fri Feb 05, 2010 1:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Personal Statement, Third Draft! Please take a look!
PostPosted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 3:54 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jan 21, 2009 1:15 pm
Posts: 492
Eruannon wrote:
I have taken this through a few drafts and was wondering if someone could take a look. I am a little concerned about the last paragraph.

Quote:
Ever since I took apart my first computer at age ten I have been enthralled by technologycool, you're a techie. My parents encouraged this interest by letting me troubleshoot the family electronics. And my friends have been more than welcome to this tech savvy behavior, when it means their essay, born from a mix of blood, sweat, and coffee, can be brought back from the digital graveyardthis sentence doesn't make sense to me. This interest would eventually lead me into situations that would spark a strong interest in intellectual property lawI hope you have an engineering background, b/c from what I hear that's what you need to be an IP lawyer, patents at least.
It was not until college that I was able to pursue this interest in a professional setting, and when the opportunity to work at the Office of Information Technology presented itself I was quick to take advantage of it. My employment at OIT would lead me to my first interactions with intellectual property lawI think this is using the passive voice. I discovered the open source movement, full of programmers held to a code of ethics which stressed the freedom of information. This new code was foreign to me, because I assumed that any quality work must have some monetary price attached to it. OIT also introduced me to one of the most contentious issues in information technology and intellectual property law: where the interests of owners and users meet. I would quickly learn that this struggle between owner and user was more than just a set of laws and standards, but a normative battle being fought on college campuses across AmericaBut where do the two parties intersect?.
This war has been laid out by the Digital Millennium Copyright Act, and at OIT, this legislation has translated into a nightmare of paperwork and terminated internet connections. My colleagues and I facefaced? or do you still work there? these challenges everyday when we put on our nametag, uniform, and say missing a comma, and capitalized C“can I help you” with a smile. I distinctly remember being offered money from an overprotective mother, trying to convince me that I was able to put an end to her daughter’s copyright violation. Unfortunately I was not, and after some time I was able to inform her of the laws that bound the university to take some form of action against her daughter. It was these experiences at the university that opened my eyes to the level of disconnect there is between intellectual property laws as written law, and the way the public perceives and reacts to these lawsIs this passive voice too?.
While I am explaining early settlement letters to penniless students shocked to be facing $5000 fines, I am continuing to interact with the open source movement, which operates completely differently this is strange using two lys in a rowfrom the Recording Industry Association of America. While working with OIT open source developers, I was given the opportunity to test a pre-release version of an operating system hand crafted for use by UMassI would spell it out and not use abbreviations students. This new software was preloaded with many free open source alternatives to expensive software that is frequently pirated by students. I was shocked by what I found: the software was surprisingly complete, and much of it I still use today. This group of pseudo-socialist programmers is on to something, and they are adding safe alternatives to piracy or bankruptcyhow does bankruptcy come into play here; I missed the connection.
It was not until my junior year that my IT minor would run me into yet another roadblock of intellectual property law, which a new-age sect of tech savvy programmers and lawyers is trying to subvertpassive voice again?. The Creative Commons would be used by my classdamn you use a lot of passive voice, which was required to use legally obtained graphics and music, but was unable to pay for them. Yet again, I was surprised by the adequacy of these free resources, and the amount of intent that went into allowing this type of licensing to be possibleso you're giving another example of the same insight? wasted space if you ask me. My further research would reveal a number of options for artists to license their artyou're killing me; offered to them for free by the Creative Commons, all made in an attempt to serve a wide range of contributors. These experiences with the world of intellectual property, have given me a glimpse of the ways in which license owners and users are attempting to coexist. This glimpse has inspired a great interest. Not a brilliant programmer, I still find myself compelled to contribute to this conversation of the evolution of intellectual property law and technology. Assisting a corporation in asserting their rights over their own property, or working with a group dedicated to finding original solutions to this conflict between owner and end-user are exciting optionsI thought you were going to talk about the intersection of the two, not how they are different. Law school, with a focus in intellectual property is the next step for me to take these interests further towards my goals.


I heard that you are not supposed to talk about what or why you want to study in law school in a personal statement. I ignored this too. I think you have an interest in intellectual property, that you can just state in one or two sentences, and maybe tell a different story altogether, that may be more insightful to who you are and what defines you.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Personal Statement, Third Draft! Please take a look!
PostPosted: Mon Nov 09, 2009 11:38 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Wed Aug 19, 2009 12:29 pm
Posts: 319
Thank you very much to everyone who responded. I have made some edits and have posted them.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 11 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: CanadianWolf, Cromartie, Hannibal, thelawyerguy, Tiva and 7 guests



Princeton Review LSAT

Search for:
Jump to:  
Login     Contact

copyright 2003-2010 top-law-schools.com • all rights reserved • powered by phpBB