Any grammatical erros in my Diversity Statement?

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northorbetter
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Jun 25, 2008 3:25 pm

Any grammatical erros in my Diversity Statement?

Postby northorbetter » Tue Jan 27, 2009 6:38 pm

Fixed
Last edited by northorbetter on Tue Jan 27, 2009 10:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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FranFang
Posts: 19
Joined: Tue Jan 27, 2009 3:58 am

Re: Any grammatical erros in my Diversity Statement?

Postby FranFang » Tue Jan 27, 2009 8:33 pm

Hey there North- here are some of my comments:

As a Polish immigrant residing in the small town of Dudley, Massachusetts, I have grown accustomed to hearing the most prevalent and long lasting Polish stereotypes. A recent dentist appointment marks the last time I was the butt of a rude and inappropriate nationality joke; “How many drunken Polacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?” Far from being an isolated incident, I have been dealing with this type of discrimination since my early youth.
My hometown community is comprised of a significant amount of Poles, they majority of which are employed in either the cleaning or the construction industry. They make an honest living like any other working class residents, however are looked down upon for doing so. I have always found it ironic that my peers refer to me as “the dumb Pole with a shovel,” seeing as though many of them also work manually with their hands. Members of the community who never even made it through high school continue to label me “the Stupid Polack,” even after having graduated college.
Alcoholism has long been a problem in the Polish community, and my family is no exception to this generalization. The disease has strained my parent’s marriage and all but ruined the relationship between my father and I (My father and ME would be more correct). I have first handedly experienced (I have experienced first hand flows better)the devastating effects that alcohol can have on an individual, only to grown weary (I think here you mean "wary" or cautious, not weary, which means exhausted)[b][/b] of the substance and rarely consume it. Even still, I hear biased remarks; “What’s for lunch Pole, potatoes and Vodka?”
I am my own individual, and the numerous Polish stereotypes do not apply to me. Far from a dense shovel-toting immigrant, I am an intelligent laborer with a future. While some Poles consume excessive amounts of spirits, I hardly ever indulge in the substances. I am a proud Polish-American, and the discrimination I have faced thus far has failed to change this. I remain comfortable in my own skin, even in the face of prejudice.

Nice job. I think that you might want to keep it a bit lighter on the Polish insults- I think the quotes make your essay seem a little crude- quoting one stereotype will get the point across. You also might want to mention how the attitude towards Polish ppl in your community and the constant slurs caused you to excel in school/life/work and become more motivated in disproving the stereotype, etc. etc. Oh, and I also think you should mention WHEN you came here from Poland, especially if it was recent. Or alternatively if you immigrated when you were very young, give a little background about how your family came to the States and if they had any particular hardships/disadvantages that passed on to you.

Hope this was helpful.

northorbetter
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Jun 25, 2008 3:25 pm

Re: Any grammatical erros in my Diversity Statement?

Postby northorbetter » Tue Jan 27, 2009 9:11 pm

Fran, thank you for the input. I am currently working on a revision. This said, any other comments?

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Chichaca
Posts: 157
Joined: Wed Jan 07, 2009 9:19 am

Re: Any grammatical erros in my Diversity Statement?

Postby Chichaca » Tue Jan 27, 2009 9:26 pm

even after having graduated college.

should be "even after I graduated from college."

I have first handedly experienced the devastating effects that alcohol can have on an individual, only to grown weary of the substance and rarely consume it.

"Only to" doesn't make sense here. I would say: "My first hand experience with the often devastating effects of alcohol has led me to avoid the substance."

I hardly ever indulge in the substances.

"Substance" should be singular.

I agree that you should cut back on the Polish jokes. Also, the focus of this essay is rather negative. Is there a way that you could dwell a little less on the discrimination, and replace some of that material with ways in which your Polish background is a source of enrichment?




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