MY personal statement... Forum

[HOLLYWOOD MARINE]

Its long, but personal. Any input on how to make it better is appreciated. Not sure if this is the kind of paper law schools want, but its all I got.

I wasn’t always the person I am today. Looking back, I often smile and laugh with a hint of embarrassment and remorse. However, if I were to go back fifteen years, back to my first day of high school, I wouldn’t change a single thing. Fifteen years, that was the start of my demise. The start of 1995 could have gone one of two ways. I could chose the path of good grades, college, and a career, or down the road I chose which was going to parties, drinking, chasing girls and occasionally going to class. Growing up without a male role model while living with a single mother who worked two jobs, it was easy to get away with anything, so long as I didn’t end up in jail.

After high school, I was not eager to pursue my education any further; I looked to join the work force. I first thought to become a Fire Fighter, for the lax work schedule, strong salary, and the allure women found in the job appealed to me greatly. I felt this was the ultimate easy way out of ever having to really work. So, after months of applying and testing, I finally got hired. However I quit only a few days into the fire academy, because, I didn’t like hard work, I lacked discipline and I often quit when things got difficult in life. I never had anyone in my life telling me not to give up when things got tough or didn’t turn out the way I had planned. So there I was nineteen, and jobless, sleeping on my friend’s couch, all the while unhappy with my life as I watched my friends enjoy theirs. Enlightenment came, strangely enough, from 4 a.m. commercial, which would forever change my life.

On April 24, 2000, I enlisted in the United States Marine Corps. Three weeks later, I was shipped to Camp Pendleton for my 15-week long recruit training, and within the hour, I was prepared to pack up and quit once more, giving up not just another future, but giving up on myself. Much to my surprise, the Marine Corps doesn't allow for quitters. Once you join, there is no going back; you are theirs for four years. This was best thing that could ever have happened to me. The Marines taught me how to stand up and fight for myself, how to never give up, or abandon your goals. After my first month at basic training, I was a completely different person. I at last achieved the sense of purpose and a feeling of pride I had been searching for, and more importantly, I had a desire to achieve goals and to better myself. The Marines taught me pride and honor, self discipline and integrity, management skills and working as a team. All of the fundamentals that should have been passed on from father to son were instead instilled in me by the Marines. I loved the new me, so much so that after four years in the corps, and nearly 1,000 days fighting a war in four different countries, I re-enlisted for another four years.

I would not complete those four years, however it was not as a result of quitting. On February 8, 2005, only 274 days into my enlistment, I, along with several of my Marines were ambushed. I was told I was the lucky one. I returned home leaving my left leg on a dirt road outside of Karbala. I was told that the scars would heal, but I would never be the same person again. Five years ago, that statement might have been alright with me, but, in April of 2000, my life had already changed for the better. I refused to lose what the United States Marine Corps had given me, a new life. A life which saw many of my combat brothers lose, and one I was still thankful to have.

My second chance at a new life started with a five month hospital stay, four surgeries and 14 months of the most grueling rehabilitation I could ever imagine. I spent ten hours a day learning how to walk and take care of myself again. Several times I could have just given up and taken the easy road, but I was a Marine and Marines don’t quit. Every time the pain would limit me, I would close my eyes and picture all the soldiers who cant feel any pain, because they are no longer with us and I forced myself to fight through the pain and agony to carry on their honor. Nearly a year and a half later, I was healed up, discharged from the United States Military and awarded the Navy Cross and the Purple Heart. I met the President of the United States and started a foundation for families of fallen soldiers.



Struggling with fact of no longer being in the military, I decided to battle a different war which was occurring on our own city streets. I applied to become a police officer, so that I could once again put others before myself and have an honorable profession fighting for those who could not defend themselves. My presence in the police academy was one of mixed emotions. Some found me to be inspirational, while others found it embarrassing. Once again I defied the odds and pushed myself harder than ever, overcoming my first true obstacles and physical barriers which I was now limited too. Being a police officer is very rewarding in the sense that I know deep down I am making a difference in my community and in someone’s life, even if the results aren’t immediate. I have been able to instill many of my military traits into a rewarding career as a police officer.

It was not until my second year in law enforcement that the idea of attending law school entered my mind. Most cops hate lawyers, but I did not. I was intrigued by their knowledge and passion; I wanted to know that much about the law. I wanted to do more than just arresting criminals, I wanted to fight to keep them in jail, not just put them there. As confidant as I was in my skills as a Police Officer, I wanted to now apply those skills in a courtroom. My fascination had now been drawn towards law. No longer enforcing it, but practicing it. I quickly realized however, that one cannot become a lawyer without first receiving an undergraduate degree; so, I began taking classes at night all the while continuing my Law Enforcement career during the day. It took longer than most, but I graduated and received my degree in Criminal Justice with a minor in Business.

It is my life experience that sets me aside from most, and the multifaceted dimensions of my character make me a strong candidate. I am a mature husband, honored war veteran and a decorated 4 year police officer. I have made the ranks of Detective by my dedication, reliability and my superior work ethic as an undercover narcotics officer. I am also an individual who has spent over 500 hours in a court room before ever attending a day at law school. I have recently become a father and I take pride in being able to one day, look my son in the eyes and tell him to never give up on himself and that it is never too late to accomplish goals. Approaching the age of 30, I continue to set long-lasting goals for myself and achieve them, for I was given a second chance and my life now has a purpose. I know one thing is for certain, my son may never relive my last 10 years, but I refuse to allow him to relive my first 20. It would be an honor if I could one day tell my son that I overcame so much in life and I graduated from U.C.L.A. School of Law.

[Other25BeforeYou]

Hows this for personal / diverse... Its long, I apologize, but any feedback is appreciated.
(3.6 GPA, no official LSAT yet)


I wasn’t always the person I am today. Looking back, I often smile and laugh with a hint of embarrassment and remorse. However, if I were to go back fifteen years, back to my first day of high school, I wouldn’t change a single thing. Fifteen years, that was the start of my demise. The start of 1995 could have gone one of two ways. I could chose the path of good grades, college, and a career, or down the road I chose which was going to parties, drinking, chasing girls and occasionally going to class****. Growing up without a male role model while living with a single mother who worked two jobs, it was easy to get away with anything, so long as I didn’t end up in jail.

I skated through my four years of high school. College was never an option for me, mostly thanks to my poor performance in high school, my lackluster motivation, and the reality of finances. At the time, I was not eager to pursue my education any further; I looked to join the work force.

I first thought to become a Fire Fighter, for the lax work schedule, strong salary, and the allure women found in the job appealed to me greatly****. This was the ultimate easy way out of ever having to really work. So, after months of applying and testing, I finally got hired. However I quit only a few days into the fire academy, because, well let’s face the facts, I was lazy and a quitter. I didn’t like hard work, and I lacked discipline. I never had anyone in my life telling me not to give up when things got tough,(get rid of this comma) or didn’t turn out the way I had planned. So there I was nineteen(add a comma here) and jobless, sleeping on my friend’s couch(add a comma here) all the while unhappy with my life as I watched my friends enjoy theirs. I was desperately seeking (Susan? Don't use the phrase "desperately seeking" unless you want to conjure images of madonna in the adcomm's heads)something, I just didn’t know what. Enlightenment came, strangely enough, from 4 a.m. commercial, which would forever change my life.

On April 24, 2000, I enlisted in the United States Marine Corps. Three weeks later, I was shipped to Camp Pendleton for my 15-week long recruit training, and within the hour, I was prepared to pack up and quit once more, giving up not just another future, but giving up on myself. Much to my surprise, the Marine Corps doesn't allow for quitters. Once you join, there is no going back; you are theirs for four years. This was best thing that could ever have happened to me. The Marines taught me how to stand up and fight for myself, how to never give up, or abandon your goals. After my first month at basic training, I was a completely different person. I at last achieved the sense of purpose and a feeling of pride I had been searching for, and more importantly, I had a desire to achieve goals and to better myself. The Marines taught me pride and honor, self discipline and integrity, management skills and working as a team. All of the fundamentals that should have been passed on from father to son were instead instilled in me by the Marines. I loved the new me, so much so that after four years in the core, and nearly 1,000 days fighting a war in four different countries, I re-enlisted for another four years.

I would not complete those four years, however it was not as a result of quitting. On February 8, 2005, only 274 days into my enlistment, I, along with several of my Marines were ambushed. I was told I was the lucky one. I returned home leaving my left leg on a dirt road outside of Karbala. I was told that the scars would heal, but I would never be the same person again. Five years ago, that statement might have been alright with me, but, in April of 2000, my life had already changed for the better. I refused to lose what the United States Marine Corps had given me, a new life.

After 14 months of the most grueling rehabilitation I could ever imagine, I began my life again. Only this time, I was not a quitter, I was a Marine. By this time, I wanted to go to college, and I could have for free, but instead I chose to put others before myself again and become a police officer. To me, this was the most honorable profession outside of the military, as I still had a desire to help others and to protect those who cannot protect themselves. Being a police officer is very rewarding in the sense that I know deep down I am making a difference in someone's life, even if the results aren’t immediate. I have been able to instill many of my military traits into my career as a police officer.

It was not until my third year in law enforcement that the idea of attending law school entered my mind. Most cops hate lawyers, but I did not. I was intrigued; I wanted to know that much about the law, I wanted to do more than just arresting criminals, I wanted to be the person fighting to keep them in jail, not just putting them there. As confidant as I was in my skills as a Police Officer, I was always nervous when in a courtroom; I was uneducated, and I didn’t like that feeling. My fascination had now been drawn towards law. No longer enforcing it, but practicing it. I was no longer the lazy 18 year old with no goals, I was now the married 28 year old who sets goals, and accomplishes them without a second thought. I quickly realized however, that one cannot become a lawyer without first receiving an undergraduate degree; so, unlike my former self, I began taking classes at night all the while continuing my Law Enforcement career during the day. It took longer than most, but I graduated and received my degree in Criminal Justice with a minor in Business.

It is my life experience that sets me aside from most, and the multifaceted dimensions of my character make me a strong candidate. I am a mature husband, honored war veteran and a decorated 6 year police officer. I have made the ranks of Detective by my dedication, reliability and my superior work ethic as an undercover narcotics officer. I am also an individual who has spent over 1000 hours in a court room before ever attending a day at law school. I have recently become a father and I take pride in being able to one day, look my son in the eyes and tell him to never give up on himself and that it is never too late to accomplish goals. Approaching the age of 30, I continue to set long-lasting goals for myself and achieve them, for my life now has a purpose. I know one thing is for certain, my son may never relive my last 10 years, but I refuse to allow him to relive my first 20. It would be an honor if I could one day tell my son that I overcame so much in life and I graduated from U.C.L.A. School of Law.

I only read the first three paragraphs, as you can probably tell from the comments. In general, you need to clean up your grammar and sentence structure.

As for content, it's too "Look at my life story!" for my tastes. If I were you, I would concentrate on just one of the aspects of your life mentioned in the essay. It would allow for the adcomms to get to know you better, instead of making them feel as though they've just read a personal and fleshed out resume.

[HOLLYWOOD MARINE]

Thanks, for the advise.

[HOLLYWOOD MARINE]

re-posted after edits.

[CWF V]

You have a great story, and props for persevering after such a gnarly incident.

I'm sure it's hard to remove sentences, but there are some parts where you could bust out your red editing pen and take out about a 1/3 of the text. For me, the ra-ra pro-police section is a little too much.

Best of luck

[frazz]

First of all, thanks for your service. I think this is a good statement. It says a lot about you, and it shows that you have really developed some perspective and you aren't afraid to admit your mistakes. At the same time, I think the writing could use some fine tuning. The story itself is great, but find places where you can make it more concise. If you tighten up the language and make sure you aren't using any extra words or sentences you could do without the writing will become more crisp. Overall I think you should be proud.

[etwake]

I think you have an AMAZING story. IMO, I'd say it will give you an edge over competition. Also, try Berkeley as a reach, no matter how low you do on the LSAT. Might be worth the App fee. Good story. Good Luck

[HOLLYWOOD MARINE]

lookin for any more offers of feedback... positive or negitive.

thanks

[lsatbobby]

First off, thank you for your service

Secondly...

I would start with the story of you losing your leg. You just sort of casually mention it, when I'm sure it was an event that changed your outlook on a lot of things. Id give a description of that event and then go into how it changed who you were before.

[HOLLYWOOD MARINE]

Yea, the problem with that is; its not something I truely enjoy going into much detail about / glorifying the whole situation when myself and only one other Marine survived...

I feel what your sayin about casually bringing it up, but as of right now thats all Im really prepaired to do. I dont want that to be the reason I get into law school. I want my statement to show how my life has set me apart and how Ive grown, not oh look at me, I lost my leg at war, select me out of pitty. I dont know it that makes much sence to many, but its a personal battle that I feel I will always have to fight within myself. Talking about ussually brings up unforgetable memories which I yern to one day forget.

Thank you for your sentaments and advise.

[Boyk1182]

Edit: sent as a PM

[bulldog4574]

I disagree (no offense) with the poster that said that you need to focus more on you losing your leg and it was too casually brought up. It has much more power when its dropped into the story than if it was highlighted too much, it would seem like you were going for too much sympathy.

[HOLLYWOOD MARINE]

That was my thought process as well. I dont want that to be the main focus of my statement, or my admission process.

Thanks for the advise.

[SpAcEmAn SpLiFF]

it's a little on the long side, especially the part where you work up to joining the marines, which is the main point of your statement. id condense the whole i was lazy, joined the fire dept part and get into your enlistment sooner

[SpAcEmAn SpLiFF]

also, not trying to be offensive here, but make sure you check your grammar and spelling before you hand this in, because yours isnt so great...

[HOLLYWOOD MARINE]

I know the grammar needs a serious face lift, that can be fixed. As for the length, I don't feel that mine is a story that can be summed up in 500 words. And in all honesty, its not something I am going to try to do. If that means not applying somewhere due to a word limit, then so be it. This is my story and I need to tell it in a manor which best describes me.

As to those who commented, THANK YOU! I take them all to heart and appreciate the offers to help me edit my statement. To those who say "No offense" come on now... You cant offend a Marine. =) I know its all said with constructive criticism. I think its obvious to anyone that I am NOT an English major, so any and all help / advise it greatly appreciated it. That is why I posted it on here in the first place.

Thanks again, and good luck to everyone sending out their apps this cycle.

[scott82]

.

[HOLLYWOOD MARINE]

Scott,

Thanks for the info, I'll start working on your ideas. I appreciate your help!

Semper Fi - 1st Reconnaissance Battalion / 1st Marine Division

0321 Hollywood Marine

[scott82]

I don't know what your deal is HM, which other parts of your story are true, if any, or what you thought you stood to gain from posting it anonymously, but I can say with near certainty that you have never received the Navy Cross as you claimed in your personal statement.

To date, 21 Marines and Sailors have received the Navy Cross for actions in Operation Iraqi Freedom, including 6 posthumously. A complete list with citations can be seen by entering "navy cross iraq" in the search field of the previous link. None of the recipients are amputees, and none received it for anything similar to what you described happened to you. In fact, no Marines died in Iraq on the day you wrote you were wounded, February 8, 2005, or in any incident in Karbala in proximity to that date.

So, I don't know if you really lost a leg in Iraq; if so, I'm sorry and I respect your sacrifice very much. But if that's true, you should have no need to embellish your service, and if you are really a Marine, you know damn well why that sort of thing is taboo.

[CanadianWolf]

I enjoyed reading your personal statement. Shares insight as to who you are, how you view the world & what influenced your development.

[scott82]

Its long, but personal. Any input on how to make it better is appreciated. Not sure if this is the kind of paper law schools want, but its all I got.

I wasn’t always the person I am today. Looking back, I often smile and laugh with a hint of embarrassment and remorse. However, if I were to go back fifteen years, back to my first day of high school, I wouldn’t change a single thing. Fifteen years, that was the start of my demise. The start of 1995 could have gone one of two ways. I could chose the path of good grades, college, and a career, or down the road I chose which was going to parties, drinking, chasing girls and occasionally going to class. Growing up without a male role model while living with a single mother who worked two jobs, it was easy to get away with anything, so long as I didn’t end up in jail.

After high school, I was not eager to pursue my education any further; I looked to join the work force. I first thought to become a Fire Fighter, for the lax work schedule, strong salary, and the allure women found in the job appealed to me greatly. I felt this was the ultimate easy way out of ever having to really work. So, after months of applying and testing, I finally got hired. However I quit only a few days into the fire academy, because, I didn’t like hard work, I lacked discipline and I often quit when things got difficult in life. I never had anyone in my life telling me not to give up when things got tough or didn’t turn out the way I had planned. So there I was nineteen, and jobless, sleeping on my friend’s couch, all the while unhappy with my life as I watched my friends enjoy theirs. Enlightenment came, strangely enough, from 4 a.m. commercial, which would forever change my life.

On April 24, 2000, I enlisted in the United States Marine Corps. Three weeks later, I was shipped to Camp Pendleton for my 15-week long recruit training, and within the hour, I was prepared to pack up and quit once more, giving up not just another future, but giving up on myself. Much to my surprise, the Marine Corps doesn't allow for quitters. Once you join, there is no going back; you are theirs for four years. This was best thing that could ever have happened to me. The Marines taught me how to stand up and fight for myself, how to never give up, or abandon your goals. After my first month at basic training, I was a completely different person. I at last achieved the sense of purpose and a feeling of pride I had been searching for, and more importantly, I had a desire to achieve goals and to better myself. The Marines taught me pride and honor, self discipline and integrity, management skills and working as a team. All of the fundamentals that should have been passed on from father to son were instead instilled in me by the Marines. I loved the new me, so much so that after four years in the corps, and nearly 1,000 days fighting a war in four different countries, I re-enlisted for another four years.

I would not complete those four years, however it was not as a result of quitting. On February 8, 2005, only 274 days into my enlistment, I, along with several of my Marines were ambushed. I was told I was the lucky one. I returned home leaving my left leg on a dirt road outside of Karbala. I was told that the scars would heal, but I would never be the same person again. Five years ago, that statement might have been alright with me, but, in April of 2000, my life had already changed for the better. I refused to lose what the United States Marine Corps had given me, a new life. A life which saw many of my combat brothers lose, and one I was still thankful to have.

My second chance at a new life started with a five month hospital stay, four surgeries and 14 months of the most grueling rehabilitation I could ever imagine. I spent ten hours a day learning how to walk and take care of myself again. Several times I could have just given up and taken the easy road, but I was a Marine and Marines don’t quit. Every time the pain would limit me, I would close my eyes and picture all the soldiers who cant feel any pain, because they are no longer with us and I forced myself to fight through the pain and agony to carry on their honor. Nearly a year and a half later, I was healed up, discharged from the United States Military and awarded the Navy Cross and the Purple Heart. I met the President of the United States and started a foundation for families of fallen soldiers.



Struggling with fact of no longer being in the military, I decided to battle a different war which was occurring on our own city streets. I applied to become a police officer, so that I could once again put others before myself and have an honorable profession fighting for those who could not defend themselves. My presence in the police academy was one of mixed emotions. Some found me to be inspirational, while others found it embarrassing. Once again I defied the odds and pushed myself harder than ever, overcoming my first true obstacles and physical barriers which I was now limited too. Being a police officer is very rewarding in the sense that I know deep down I am making a difference in my community and in someone’s life, even if the results aren’t immediate. I have been able to instill many of my military traits into a rewarding career as a police officer.

It was not until my second year in law enforcement that the idea of attending law school entered my mind. Most cops hate lawyers, but I did not. I was intrigued by their knowledge and passion; I wanted to know that much about the law. I wanted to do more than just arresting criminals, I wanted to fight to keep them in jail, not just put them there. As confidant as I was in my skills as a Police Officer, I wanted to now apply those skills in a courtroom. My fascination had now been drawn towards law. No longer enforcing it, but practicing it. I quickly realized however, that one cannot become a lawyer without first receiving an undergraduate degree; so, I began taking classes at night all the while continuing my Law Enforcement career during the day. It took longer than most, but I graduated and received my degree in Criminal Justice with a minor in Business.

It is my life experience that sets me aside from most, and the multifaceted dimensions of my character make me a strong candidate. I am a mature husband, honored war veteran and a decorated 4 year police officer. I have made the ranks of Detective by my dedication, reliability and my superior work ethic as an undercover narcotics officer. I am also an individual who has spent over 500 hours in a court room before ever attending a day at law school. I have recently become a father and I take pride in being able to one day, look my son in the eyes and tell him to never give up on himself and that it is never too late to accomplish goals. Approaching the age of 30, I continue to set long-lasting goals for myself and achieve them, for I was given a second chance and my life now has a purpose. I know one thing is for certain, my son may never relive my last 10 years, but I refuse to allow him to relive my first 20. It would be an honor if I could one day tell my son that I overcame so much in life and I graduated from U.C.L.A. School of Law.

Quoted for posterity.

[scott82]

I enjoyed reading your personal statement. Shares insight as to who you are, how you view the world & what influenced your development.

Read here:
http://www.top-law-schools.com/forums/v ... 2#p3280062

[re8elmonk0341]

I can honestly say that this "HOLLYWOOD MARINE" joker isn't and have never been in the Marine Corp. I'm a Ssgt currently serving and is attatched with Wounded Warriors Bn W in Camp Pendleton and after reading this bull crap of a story I had to register and reply. I must say before I do. I don't care about grammer. I just want to say what I have to say and I'll be out of y'all hair. I served with 3rd Bn &th Mar as a Mortarman from the initail push to Baghdad in 2003 to Ramadi in 2006. 3 combat deployments. I served in Karbala and don't recall anyone earning the Navy Cross. Like scott82 said if you are a Marine and lost his leg in combat then my hats off to you but if you're not I don't see why you have to come on here and fabricate a story like that and discredit all the men who've died and is currently serving. Just come out with it and tell the truth. You can fool some civilians but to a Marine and a combat vet you can't fool us and better belive your "story" is circulating in the Corp to uncover who you really are.

To all of the real Marines Semper Fi and God Bless.
Ssgt USMC 3/7 Kilo Co. '03-'06

[ridingcrops]

I have to agree with the post of the SSgt. I saw thru this clown as soon as he said he went to do his boot in Pendelton. Marines only train in 2 places, Parris Island and MCRD San Diego. They only go to Pendelton to use the range and then back to dego. So this guy is a poser and you should quit calling yourself a Marine and insulting us that have earned the title. And yes I have in '69 and then off to the Nam as a 2533 radio/telegraph operator.

[memphisbelle]

Wow...that is really sad. HM, if you were indeed a serviceman, then I thank you for your service. I really hope what they are saying is not true. If it is, that is shameful and it will be easily discovered during C&F. There needs to be some serious thought put into this if you are intending to proceed with a falsified statement. You may make it into law school and even graduate but if you don't pass the C&F, you can't be admitted to the bar.

Please do the right thing and don't submit (or continue on TLS) a false statement. That would disgrace the current and past members of the armed forces.