Swapping personal statements

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Kchuck
Posts: 188
Joined: Fri Sep 04, 2009 1:49 am

Re: Swapping personal statements

Postby Kchuck » Mon Nov 16, 2009 3:43 pm

I sent a couple PM's, but if anyone is online currently and wants to take a look at my PS, I'll send it your way. I would greatly appreciate the help!

buster brown
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Nov 18, 2009 12:31 am

Re: Swapping personal statements

Postby buster brown » Wed Nov 18, 2009 12:34 am

I would like to engage in a PS swap.

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Splittsburgh
Posts: 6
Joined: Sun Aug 23, 2009 4:34 pm

Re: Swapping personal statements

Postby Splittsburgh » Wed Nov 18, 2009 9:57 pm

I've rewritten my statement, and would like to swap if anyone's interested.

hannahlee
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Nov 19, 2009 1:52 am

Re: Swapping personal statements

Postby hannahlee » Thu Nov 19, 2009 1:55 am

Hello,

anyone interested in swapping personal statements with me? any feedback would be greatly appreciated!

readypost
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2009 10:37 pm

Re: Swapping personal statements

Postby readypost » Sun Nov 22, 2009 4:28 pm

Very willing to swap PS. I'd be grateful for any help and I will do my best to help you out too. Just PM me and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks!
Last edited by readypost on Tue Nov 24, 2009 2:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Stanford4Me
Posts: 6047
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 1:23 am

Re: Swapping personal statements

Postby Stanford4Me » Mon Nov 23, 2009 10:44 am

I'm just going to post my PS here and any and all who wish to tear it apart can do so. My mom already told me she doesn't like it....haha, but it apparently grew on her as she re-read it. Spare no civility in your comments:
I still remember the day clearly. I walked up to the school, a mid-twentieth century building with not-so-stately columns covered in cracking, white paint, climbed the stairs towards the entrance and proceeded through a metal detector. My steps echoed through the foyer as I contemplated what I was getting myself in to. For the next year or more I would be working for a private tutoring company providing free tutoring to economically disadvantaged students in an underperforming high school. My goal was to ensure that these students passed the Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills thereby allowing them to graduate high school. Little did I know, however, that my time at this school would be one of the most difficult yet enlightening periods of my life.
I began my job with a sense of naivety believing that I simply needed to maintain a positive attitude in order to drive success in the students I tutored. I greatly underestimated the difficulty of the challenges I would face as a tutor primarily because I overlooked the differences between my life experiences and the experiences of the students. While I was raised in a middle-class family with parents who remained active in my educational pursuits, the majority of the students I worked with struggled on a daily basis to make it home from school, having to fight through the jungle of gang members and drug dealers who prowled through their neighborhoods. Additionally, many of my students lived in single-parent households with their mother or father who worked two jobs – days and nights – in order to make ends meet. My initial tutoring strategy, which I believed to be foolproof, failed and I was forced to re-evaluate my course of action and adapt accordingly. As time progressed I began making headway with my students. The classroom reception transformed from a desert of blank stares to a refreshing sea of hands waiting to be called on.
I initially expected the transfer of knowledge between my students and I to be a one-way channel, with me transferring knowledge to my students, but I quickly learned that my students and my job had a lot to teach me. The work I have has given me another perspective in life. The challenges I have faced from the students, their parents, and from school administrators have all helped to develop my personal character, my academic integrity, and my professional experience. Additionally, working with the students has further strengthened my desire to work in the field of law. While education and law may not have much in common, I have viewed my tutoring job as an opportunity for me to be an advocate for, and adviser to, my students. My passion for being an advocate and adviser has motivated me to take strong steps to ensure the success of my students. From working long hours over school breaks to develop a middle school and high school curriculum to be used by the company, to setting up meetings with school administrators to voice the concerns of the students and our company, I have viewed my job not just as one in education, but as one that would develop the necessary skills to work in law. Additionally, my time as a tutor has further ignited my passion for the law as I have spent ample time considering how the law and education coincide with one another and how the law can work to ensure that all students, regardless of economic status, can receive a sound education.
My time as a tutor has been fulfilling on so many levels. Not only have I had the opportunity to devote my time and interest into the lives of middle school and high school students, I have also received so much more in return. I strongly believed that the lessons I have learned while tutoring have prepared me to enter the next phase of my life – law school. The challenges I have faced, the obstacles I have overcome, and the personal victories I have achieved have all worked to harden my resolve and motivate me to pursue my dreams not only for the sake of myself, but for the sake of those I wish to help.

karmicgruve
Posts: 8
Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2009 5:54 am

Re: Swapping personal statements

Postby karmicgruve » Tue Nov 24, 2009 1:23 am

My family’s journey as United States immigrants drives my ambition to study law. I desire to utilize my experiences combined with a juris doctorate to help immigrants navigate the complexities of our American legal system in their own journeys toward citizenship. I hope to empower them with sufficient knowledge enabling them to make informed legal decisions while avoiding the pitfalls inherent within the system.

I was born in the Philippines, the product of a multiracial union between an Irish father and a Spanish/Filipino mother. Early in my life we lived in Tokyo where my parents earned a modest living teaching English. At five we moved to Chicago where I quickly experienced my first taste of alienation when members of my predominately white neighborhood hurled slurs like “Spic” and “Wetback” because of my dominant Hispanic features or “freak” because I mixed Japanese, English and Tagalog in sentences when I spoke.

My life as a new immigrant grew more complex when my parents divorced shortly after our arrival. Left alone to support us, my mother was relegated to multiple, minimum wage jobs requiring her to work 12-15 hour days. Though well educated, possessing a master’s degree in education, more highly paid, skilled positions were beyond my mother’s reach because employers would not recognize her foreign degree. She suffered fatigue and hypertension, the result of stress from six-day, 70-hour work weeks and at only 40 she had her first heart attack. No insurance offered only the prospect of more financial turmoil. It was difficult for my well educated mother who felt shame as we turned to public aid to help keep us afloat.

In subsequent years my mother’s countless attempts at petitioning her siblings were hindered by an inability to navigate the many complexities of our U.S. immigration system mired by inefficiencies and a lack of funds to retain a credible attorney to aid in the process. Her experiences were rife with offers from unscrupulous individuals making fruitless promises to expedite the process or illegally arrange contract marriages in exchange for exorbitant fees.

My family’s experiences have given me an intimate knowledge of the desires that help to define the greater immigrant population In the United States: cultural assimilation, education, and an improved quallity of life. I have matured with a heightened awareness of the myriad challenges faced by countless immigrants: alienation, discrimination, and the injustices of being denied many basic legal and socioeconomic opportunities many Americans take for granted. I desire to dedicate my service to address these injustices and advocate broader policy change that may help ease immigrants’ already difficult transitions and allow them one day to proudly identify as Americans.

I firmly believe expressing one’s American identity and holding onto one’s cultural identity are not mutually exclusive endeavors. It is my hope to engender thought, encourage dialogue, and foster greater understanding between immigrants and the greater American public; to communicate the intrinsic value exposure to a rich, culturally diverse population holds for our social and economic wealth.

superman21
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Apr 28, 2009 11:52 pm

Re: Swapping personal statements

Postby superman21 » Tue Nov 24, 2009 12:02 pm

I have a PS and a DS ready for swap. PM with your statement(s) if interested

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missvik218
Posts: 1103
Joined: Mon Feb 09, 2009 11:45 am

Re: Swapping personal statements

Postby missvik218 » Tue Nov 24, 2009 12:09 pm

superman21 wrote:I have a PS and a DS ready for swap. PM with your statement(s) if interested

PMd you. I also have a DS ready to be swapped and should have a draft of a PS by tomorrow AM ... feel free to PM me!

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nyyankees
Posts: 484
Joined: Wed Nov 19, 2008 11:50 am

Re: Swapping personal statements

Postby nyyankees » Thu Nov 26, 2009 5:20 pm

I have a PS that I would like to swap. Hoping to get things out by Monday, any takers?

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ProfitsProphets
Posts: 235
Joined: Fri Nov 27, 2009 9:02 am

Re: Swapping personal statements

Postby ProfitsProphets » Fri Nov 27, 2009 8:38 pm

apicelp wrote:Okay, I'm just going to post my PS here. If anyone gets a chance to read it, please let me know what you think. I will need to significantly shorten it for a lot of schools (it is 4 pages, DS). Thanks for the feedback

Of all the advice my father ever gave me growing up, his claim that, “The secret to happiness and success in life is to figure out how to fit together the Hoops and the Squares,” seems to most accurately reflect the process through which I have become who I am today.

As a curious and strong-willed young boy, trouble seemed to follow me everywhere I went. Rather than being “bad” or “malicious,” much of the mischief that I got into revolved around an insistence to learn things for myself; I chafed under the direction of anyone who told me what I could or could not do, and when a point was made to advise me against doing something that sounded interesting, I made sure to find out exactly what all of the fuss was about.

My father took great interest in getting me to harness my considerable energies. He constantly doled out advice in the form of quotes and adages, which I roundly brushed aside in favor of my own methods for navigating through the world. Hardly a day passed that I was not learning some hard lesson, leaving my father to come home to try and talk some sense into me in the form of his favorite sayings.

The “Hoops” he explained on countless occasions, are the things in life that are not firmly defined: emotions and thoughts, hopes and dreams, wishes and wants. I had little trouble developing a sensitivity to these things, as both of my parents were employed in the behavioral health field, criss-crossing the country while working in various aspects of VisionQuest, a high impact program for juvenile delinquents. Because of the intense nature of the work and the time commitment demanded of its employees, our family life was closely intertwined with the program. We even lived on company property. While my friends came home from school to baby-sitters and videogames, I threw down my books and ran up to the wilderness impact camp, where 50-60 juvenile delinquents struggled far from their families and neighborhoods in what amounted to a last chance for many to change the course of their difficult lives; As my neighbors spent their summers at the local pool, I was off in Wyoming with the same juveniles on a real wagon train, riding horses and learning right along side many of these youths about the value of being totally responsible for another living thing. Today they call it “Equine Assisted Therapy,” but to me it was just challenging and fun.

A firm understanding and acceptance of the “Squares,” or the rules, regulations, traditions, and responsibilities that give life its structure was much more difficult for me to come by, however. I struggled with structured environments such as school and work, which I did not feel left me with enough room to learn and succeed at that which I was passionate about. My teachers labeled me as “gifted,” but I barely managed to graduate from high school. I was convinced that I knew best, and that I could make it on my own. I moved out of my parents’ house at 17, took a full-time job, and rented an apartment with an older friend. Within six months, I was on the streets. I slept on couches and begged money off of sympathetic friends, but I found that everyone was quickly growing tired of my act. Fresh out of places to sleep and thoroughly humbled, I recognized that I needed to grow up and balance myself if I was to ever find any measure of happiness or success. I decided to enlist in the military.

The five years I invested as an active duty member of the United States Navy were the hardest of my life, but also the most rewarding. Suddenly, strangers were telling me when to wake up, where to go, and what color socks to wear. My trouble adjusting to a new lifestyle resulted in many nights cleaning latrines while my shipmates slept. Once I did adjust, however, I began to instantly realize success. I amazed my family and myself when I was designated as the top student in my avionics class and meritoriously advanced two ranks. I was even more proud, however, when I was nominated to compete with other top sailors in a separate early advancement board. Again, I was selected for advancement.

The list of accomplishments and the lessons that accompany my time in the service goes on. I served two years in Puerto Rico, immersing myself in a culture very different from any that I had ever encountered. I was determined to get the most out of the opportunity, and learned to speak, write and read in Spanish while spending the majority of my off-duty time with a surrogate family. I then served a two-year tour onboard a nuclear powered aircraft carrier, sailing around the world and deploying to the Persian Gulf in support of combat operations there. Here, I oversaw a shift of seven workers performing maintenance on millions of dollars of equipment in a high-pressure environment. Ultimately, I learned to function within, and even appreciate, life’s “Squares”.

Even though the hours onboard the ship sometimes stretched to 15 or 16 each day, I sacrificed what little free time I had in order to gain academic credit from Central Texas College. I set a goal to earn an Associate’s Degree before my military contract expired, and I achieved that goal. After transitioning back to civilian life, however, I faced the challenge of being financially independent while studying full-time. Because I could not afford to pay out-of-state tuition without borrowing heavily, I attended Pima Community College while working full-time in order to support myself and establish residency before continuing on to the University of Arizona.

I hope that my record at the University of Arizona speaks to the extent to which I have become a well-rounded individual. I have earned a 4.0 GPA while starting and supporting my own family, balancing an Honor’s-level course load, working as a bartender and as a childcare worker at a group home for adolescents, participating in a Psychology research lab, and serving as a mentor for a 15 year-old young man as part of the University of Arizona Mentor Program. I have worked very hard and sacrificed a lot of sleep to graduate a semester early while making ends meet financially, academically, and with my wife and daughter, and I am very proud of the results of that sacrifice.

I believe that the sum of my life experience amounts to a unique perspective on the world. My experiences growing up imbued me with a faith in people to change for the better, and I developed an interest in both juvenile justice and how the disciplines of law and behavioral science communicate with and inform each other. For this reason, I chose to major in psychology at the University. The years I spent in the military gave birth to a fascination with international relations and law. Both of these elements together have made the ethic of service an integral part of who I am as a person. I simply could not imagine myself in a career that is not in service to others.

I am aware that law is a unique profession, one steeped in the “Squares” of tradition and procedure, but ultimately applied to human beings and the “Hoops” of the human condition. An effective lawyer certainly must be able to appreciate, balance, and expertly integrate this dichotomy. I hope that after reviewing my application and qualifications, the admissions committee will recognize me as a candidate who has struggled and learned to achieve this ability, and is sufficiently dedicated, mature, and well-equipped for the challenges of law school and the legal profession.


This may be too late, but one thing I can recommend is to answer the fundamental questions, Why do you want to be a lawyer? and What is your motivation? If you don't answer those questions, your PS will lose a lot of credibility.

akw009
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Sep 15, 2008 10:36 pm

Re: Swapping personal statements

Postby akw009 » Sat Nov 28, 2009 7:08 pm

Looking for some people to read my PS. Definitely willing to swap. Please let me know!

ginasayshella
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Nov 29, 2009 5:00 pm

Re: Swapping personal statements

Postby ginasayshella » Sun Nov 29, 2009 5:04 pm

Hi -- I would appreciate any feedback on this 1st version of my personal statement. Thank you!!!


I spent much of my childhood mastering the art of unicycling. My mother, a physical education teacher, taught a unit on circus skills and became so enamored with unicycling that it became our official family hobby. The annual unicycle meet was my family's summer vacation, when we would load our unicycles on a custom-made rack affixed to the back of our 1970's Winnebago and embark on a mission to win the crown for fastest rider. This was typical for my family. With my mom in the lead, we furiously pedaled to new heights of eccentric excellence. From my mother, I learned to seek out challenges and to make the most of every opportunity.

While I didn't always appreciate being known as "the unicycling family" in junior high, as time passes I grow increasingly grateful for my mother's headstrong ways. She did exactly how she pleased and told us kids that, if we worked hard enough, we too would someday be able to do just as we pleased. Growing up, my brother and I would occasionally complain to her when we didn’t get our way. We would say “Well you get to do such-and-such and that’s not fair” to which she would respond, without fail, “I get to do such-and-such because I designed my life that way.” I took this lesson to heart and began "designing" my own life in earnest as soon as I left home for college.

My senior year of high school, in what I still believe is my single most impressive-sounding accomplishment, I won the 400 meter hurdles at the 4A Iowa State Track Meet. I continued to run track in college, which, as it turns out, is much more mainstream/socially understood/physically demanding than unicycling. Although I was an athlete, my biggest focus was always on school. By planning my time at TCU very carefully, I was able to graduate with two undergraduate degrees in four years and produce a thesis on religious communications in presidential debates to graduate with Departmental Honors in Political Science. Besides school and track, I completed four internships during college, working for a jewelry retailer, a non-profit that serves individuals who are HIV positive and homeless, a lobbying firm and an online marketing agency.

For those unfamiliar with cycling mechanics, it is impossible to coast when riding a unicycle. Once atop the contraption, you enter into a state of perpetual pedaling. Even when you want to stay in one place, you must idle back and forth to stay mounted. I try to apply this principle to my life, juggling multiple commitments and adapting to new conditions, never becoming stagnant and complacent. While in college, I embraced as many opportunities as possible in order to gain a diverse background and figure out the best fit for my skills and interests. By doing so, I learned that working on teams is very important to me, that I would rather aid an individual than a large company, and that any job is easier when you approach it with confidence.

After graduation, I accepted a full-time position at the interactive marketing agency where I interned in college. While I love my coworkers and appreciate the freedom and variety of my job, I lack a fundamental enthusiasm for online marketing. I simply do not feel that the world would be much worse off if online display advertising banners disappeared from the face of the earth tomorrow. However, I am convinced that the world would suffer greatly should people suddenly cease to obey the law. I am pursuing a law degree because I am convinced that this basic belief is essential to building a fulfilling career.

Besides believing in the importance of law, I am attracted to law because of its versatility. I want the option to work on a one-on-one basis with individuals or with large corporations and I've missed this flexibility in online marketing, where it is my job to service only corporations. In addition, the variety of career possibilities created by a law degree is very appealing. I imagine someday leveraging my law experience into a run for public office or a leadership role at a nonprofit. Beyond just being a job, law is a career that excites me.

Another one of my mom's favorite sayings is "You take yourself with you." I took myself with me down to Texas and, after developing into a responsible, well-rounded and successful young lady, I am ready to bring myself back up to Iowa to become a lawyer. Now that I've determined my goal, it's only a matter of redesigning my life to achieve it.

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Gwen
Posts: 232
Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2009 10:54 am

Re: Swapping personal statements

Postby Gwen » Fri Dec 04, 2009 4:57 pm

I would appreciate some eyes for an almost final draft of my diversity statement and personal statement. I'm willing to offer my services as well. Gracias! :D

dawson1234
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Oct 16, 2009 6:32 am

Re: Swapping personal statements

Postby dawson1234 » Sat Dec 05, 2009 1:47 pm

If anyone wants to swap, let me know. My PS just needs some basic editing, nothing super time-consuming. PM me or send me an email at Dawson.Kay@gmail.com if you're interested.

Thanks

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Havaianas
Posts: 287
Joined: Thu Oct 22, 2009 12:48 pm

Re: Swapping personal statements

Postby Havaianas » Sun Dec 06, 2009 11:23 pm

sorry didn't read it all but at a quick glance "mainstream/socially understood/physically" isn't working for me - remove the / and replacing with commas/and would be better. It's also a pretty obvious statement that track is more mainstream than unicycling - I might just take the whole sentence out unless you're married to it

ginasayshella wrote:Hi -- I would appreciate any feedback on this 1st version of my personal statement. Thank you!!!


I spent much of my childhood mastering the art of unicycling. My mother, a physical education teacher, taught a unit on circus skills and became so enamored with unicycling that it became our official family hobby. The annual unicycle meet was my family's summer vacation, when we would load our unicycles on a custom-made rack affixed to the back of our 1970's Winnebago and embark on a mission to win the crown for fastest rider. This was typical for my family. With my mom in the lead, we furiously pedaled to new heights of eccentric excellence. From my mother, I learned to seek out challenges and to make the most of every opportunity.

While I didn't always appreciate being known as "the unicycling family" in junior high, as time passes I grow increasingly grateful for my mother's headstrong ways. She did exactly how she pleased and told us kids that, if we worked hard enough, we too would someday be able to do just as we pleased. Growing up, my brother and I would occasionally complain to her when we didn’t get our way. We would say “Well you get to do such-and-such and that’s not fair” to which she would respond, without fail, “I get to do such-and-such because I designed my life that way.” I took this lesson to heart and began "designing" my own life in earnest as soon as I left home for college.

My senior year of high school, in what I still believe is my single most impressive-sounding accomplishment, I won the 400 meter hurdles at the 4A Iowa State Track Meet. I continued to run track in college, which, as it turns out, is much more mainstream/socially understood/physically demanding than unicycling. Although I was an athlete, my biggest focus was always on school. By planning my time at TCU very carefully, I was able to graduate with two undergraduate degrees in four years and produce a thesis on religious communications in presidential debates to graduate with Departmental Honors in Political Science. Besides school and track, I completed four internships during college, working for a jewelry retailer, a non-profit that serves individuals who are HIV positive and homeless, a lobbying firm and an online marketing agency.

For those unfamiliar with cycling mechanics, it is impossible to coast when riding a unicycle. Once atop the contraption, you enter into a state of perpetual pedaling. Even when you want to stay in one place, you must idle back and forth to stay mounted. I try to apply this principle to my life, juggling multiple commitments and adapting to new conditions, never becoming stagnant and complacent. While in college, I embraced as many opportunities as possible in order to gain a diverse background and figure out the best fit for my skills and interests. By doing so, I learned that working on teams is very important to me, that I would rather aid an individual than a large company, and that any job is easier when you approach it with confidence.

After graduation, I accepted a full-time position at the interactive marketing agency where I interned in college. While I love my coworkers and appreciate the freedom and variety of my job, I lack a fundamental enthusiasm for online marketing. I simply do not feel that the world would be much worse off if online display advertising banners disappeared from the face of the earth tomorrow. However, I am convinced that the world would suffer greatly should people suddenly cease to obey the law. I am pursuing a law degree because I am convinced that this basic belief is essential to building a fulfilling career.

Besides believing in the importance of law, I am attracted to law because of its versatility. I want the option to work on a one-on-one basis with individuals or with large corporations and I've missed this flexibility in online marketing, where it is my job to service only corporations. In addition, the variety of career possibilities created by a law degree is very appealing. I imagine someday leveraging my law experience into a run for public office or a leadership role at a nonprofit. Beyond just being a job, law is a career that excites me.

Another one of my mom's favorite sayings is "You take yourself with you." I took myself with me down to Texas and, after developing into a responsible, well-rounded and successful young lady, I am ready to bring myself back up to Iowa to become a lawyer. Now that I've determined my goal, it's only a matter of redesigning my life to achieve it.

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englawyer
Posts: 1270
Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 10:57 pm

Re: Swapping personal statements

Postby englawyer » Tue Dec 08, 2009 9:57 am

[strike]looking to swap statements via PM. just give me a message[/strike]

im all done. thanks for the replies!
Last edited by englawyer on Fri Dec 11, 2009 3:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

mufyani
Posts: 11
Joined: Tue Sep 29, 2009 12:26 pm

Re: Swapping personal statements

Postby mufyani » Tue Dec 08, 2009 9:40 pm

..
Last edited by mufyani on Fri Dec 11, 2009 10:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

Phyl
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Joined: Tue Dec 08, 2009 4:11 pm

Re: Swapping personal statements

Postby Phyl » Wed Dec 09, 2009 12:23 pm

First post here and I was looking for a critique. This is a very rough first draft and I'm willing to accept any and all criticism.

I do not have any real experience with the law in any major capacity. I took a law class during my undergrad, but beyond that my experience with it is limited to say the least. I have not experienced any personal legal trouble and aside from sitting in on Teen Court at the Seminole County Courthouse a couple of times when I was in high school, I have no experience with a courtroom or legal setting. Although I had a desire and curiosity to explore the legal profession and get a law degree, I was completely intimidated by the process and hoped to find my way in the “real world” before going to law school. Unfortunately, the “real world” pretty much collapsed for me and everyone else and it left me stuck working two dead end jobs. My first, as a clerk at a pool store, was my job from my undergrad. Then, I took on my current job; working at my step-father’s financial planning office. I worked odd jobs and did tax preparation until the receptionist quit and I filled in for her position. Although it is not the most rewarding job, it has inspired me to kick my life into gear and seek a law degree. Another personal situation inspired me to take this next step and mark out on a path towards a great legal education.
The first significant event revolves around my little sister and how the court system treated her and my family while my parents and I fostered her as our own. We received Sydney in the winter of 2007. As an only child for the first 21 years of my life, the adjustment was difficult, but not a major hurdle because I still spent a majority of my time in Gainesville with my final semester of undergrad at the University of Florida and my job at Pinch-A-Penny. However, when I moved home during the summer of 2008 I absolutely fell in love with that little girl. I thought she would be a member of our family indefinitely; however her biological mother got wind of the financial benefits she could incur if she took her daughter back. So a year after starting the process to terminate parental rights, she decided to take Sydney back.
The court system decided to grant parental rights back to Sydney’s biological mother. She did not complete her case plan on time, nor did she follow the guidelines set forth by the court. The news that I was losing my little sister was crushing to me. Then to have a deadline, February 8, 2009, as the last day that she would be my sister felt like a judge handing down a verdict on an execution. Many tears were shed and obscenities uttered, but we knew we had to follow the rules because the rules are the rules. It felt like the court would rather the child be unhappy but have her mother than be a part of a loving family. That decision impacted me greatly and inspired me to begin my legal education. Whether or not the type of law I practice would directly relate to the situation involving Sydney, I would hope that as a lawyer in any capacity I could offer some legal advice in that situation or at least know of the proper avenues to follow to prevent that kind of heartbreak in the future.
My other major incentive to get into law school is to get out of the drudgery that is involved with my current job at my step-father’s business. I first took the Florida licensing exam to sell annuities, life insurance, and health insurance to become a sales rep and work under my step-father. With his company in upheaval and making drastic changes, I was kind of pushed aside and lacked a true passion for selling annuities. Every day in the office instead of learning product, I researched law schools and studied for the LSAT. After working for weeks without pay and growing increasingly restless with boredom, I knew it was time to make a change. I took the LSAT and got on the warpath to get back into school. As I sit here typing this personal statement, I think about how hungry I am to get back into a learning environment, instead of sitting in a windowless room with a bunch of compact fluorescent light bulbs and a television blaring CNBC for eight hours a day. It dawned on me how desperate I am to get back into law school, when the most exciting prospect at work that’s actually related to work, involves me assisting on doing taxes with my step-father. When doing taxes became the highlight of my work year, I knew law school was the change that I was looking for.
Between an unfortunate circumstance that disrupted my family and an intellectually stagnating job, my desire to go to law school is greater than ever and I feel that I can be a great asset to any law school. I feel that my experiences will bring a unique perspective to your school while adding to the overall diverse composition of the class of 2013.

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even2flow
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Re: Swapping personal statements

Postby even2flow » Wed Dec 09, 2009 10:12 pm

Also looking for a PS swap if anyone is interested.

1californian
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Joined: Fri Dec 04, 2009 5:22 pm

Re: Swapping personal statements

Postby 1californian » Thu Dec 10, 2009 12:08 am

Anyway want to swap Personal Statements?

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Gwen
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Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2009 10:54 am

Re: Swapping personal statements

Postby Gwen » Thu Dec 10, 2009 10:42 am

I'm here to swap personal statement via PM.

madcherrylimas
Posts: 40
Joined: Sun Nov 08, 2009 12:41 pm

Re: Swapping personal statements

Postby madcherrylimas » Thu Dec 10, 2009 5:49 pm

I'm pretty sure this qualifies as a diversity statement. Since I'm also a hyphenated identity type woman, I'll try to help.

mufyani wrote:[color=#800000]

A woman’s identity, character, and strength that guide her to overcome inequalities and allow her to persevere in life are virtues that are developed from her experiences in society and culture. What I have learned from my Afghan and American cultures and communities has made me who I am today- an advocate but at times a critic, and an optimist but also a pragmatist. <-- I'm not sure you need this part. I think it is more important to show that you are these things than to spell them out. If anything, I think something like this should be more like a conclusion.

<<When my family immigrated to the United States, they escaped a war torn country where survival had become the number one priority. The difficulties immigrants face when they arrive to a new country were apparent in my family. This included their struggle to understand the new environment around them and their fear of assimilation. My issues with my identity became more complicated throughout my teenage years as I struggled to find my identity in a community of Afghans that did not accept me as completely Afghan and amongst a community of Americans who did not consider me completely American.>> Although your language should be simple and clear, at the same time, I feel this part would be better served with a short example illustrating this point of a torn identity and the difficulties immigrants face, because what you have said is not very new nor unique to your experience as an Afghan American (it applies to almost all immigrants in all countries).
I was living in two different worlds. It wasn’t until I was 18 years old when a thoughtful friend told me “others will see you only as who you accept yourself *to be*” that I accepted a hyphenated identity as an Afghan-American. <-- why? Not sure I see how this adds to your case. There is a much better way of expressing your diverse cultural identity.

<As struggling immigrants<- unnecessary to spell it out > my parents raised a family of five children in a low-income housing division <in sprawling upper middle-class suburbia. - irrelevant? do you make this part of your point somewhere?> At a young age, my elder sister and I became translators for our parents during our own parent teacher conferences, at meetings with the social worker, with the physician and many of their other interactions within society. We managed the family’s bank account and paid the household bills, applied for healthcare for my parents and struggled to find the Farsi equivalent for the word celery while shopping at the grocery store. Although my memories as a child did not include Girl Scout meetings or afterschool sports, my responsibilities and experiences led me to build my character as a mature and responsible person at a young age. <- I feel like you could combine this paragraph with the previous paragraph of two identities, the difficulties of your family adjusting to American life.

Due to family obligations and financial reasons, I have had to balance a full-time job while attending school full-time. I have worked to help my family pay the utility bills, to buy my mother a car, to get my parents to stop using food stamps and I work so my 12 yr old brother would be able to participate in the afterschool sports and clubs that I had yearned to be a part of at his age. Though the hectic schedule has been challenging at times, it is my obligation to make sure my family does not continue to struggle. Being able to provide my family with as much as I have <, out> has been a rewarding accomplishment but one that could not have been achieved without optimism.

Start somewhere around here, I think the above is not necessary>My strength and advocacy comes from my personal experiences within the Afghan community. Being raised in a patriarch household, my father enforced strict Afghan values and customs. His first job in the United States was as a garbage man picking up trash at XXXXXXXXXXXXXX University. His internal struggle of his change in status in a new society was challenging. Even more difficult was his personal battle raising a family in a country with a different culture and language that he did not know well. He forbade my mother from having a job and was worried that his five children would stray from the conservative Afghan culture. His internal struggles were manifested in the form of mental and physical abuse towards his family. Like many “good” Afghan women, my mother stayed quiet and dealt with the pain. She and other women like her were afraid to speak up, out of fear that there would be no support system to fall on and because it would only make matters worse. They were forced to submit themselves as inferiors to their partners. Being witness to such events and living in a society that promotes equality, I could not accept <that> a woman’s voice <was> to be silenced. My desire to work for women and to cast light on [strike]the[/strike] inequality [strike]issue[/strike] around the world stems from these personal experiences. I found the strength to go against the traditional view of what women should and can do in the Afghan culture. I will not be quiet and submissive as they expect me to be.

My first trip to Afghanistan in the coming months <will show me the darkness that has been cast upon a country that still continues to lack equality in rule of law and in the justice system -- this can be reworded -- how can it show you something if you think you already see it? and how can the darkness be cast upon if it sounds like it's been a continuous quality?>. Not to mention the deficiency of qualified Afghan women practicing <law> in the country <- not to mention is not a good way to start a sentence, it sounds fragmented right here and this sentence sounds like it lacks a point>. I know my experiences there will only further enforce my reasons for wanting to study international and human rights law, so that I may advocate on behalf of those whose voices have been silenced and those who fear that they have no support system.

(I don't think it is good to approach your first trip to Afghanistan by saying you already know what it will show you and what it will reinforce in you).

My involvement with immigrant communities teaching ESL and work with non-profit and advocacy organizations as well as my life experiences have provided me with the knowledge and skills that will make me a lawyer with character, strength, integrity and a diverse cultural understanding. I hope you will be able to see me further my goals as a potential student at (insert college here). Thank you.



I just wrote my thoughts as I went through, and now that I've reached the end and reread it, I'm leaving them there in case you want to know what a reader would think while reading them. Several points:

You have one very, very interesting story to tell, and I think it would be in your best interest to actually tell a story -- an example of these things -- to make your point. Most statements I start to look at I stop because they lose my interest. I continued reading yours because I saw "Afghan" in it several times. Just the word "Afghanistan" already promises a very different, unique, and hopefully insightful story to a country that many Americans are not indifferent to. I don't think you emphasize this side enough, because your statement as it stands could be almost *any* immigrant's personal statement, right down to the oppression of women, your father's change of status when he changed countries, and translating as a child. Although this was a point you raised earlier, you do not show how you are both Afghan and American either; rather, you show yourself rejecting the values and traditions that you say Afghan culture has for women. The message of your statement is muddled with an unfocused background story about your parents and immigration.

I don't want to tell you how to write your statement, and I don't want to give you too much of my opinion either -- but, since this advice is so standard, I think it's ok and not too presumptuous of me to say this:

1. Show, not tell -- do not just tell us that you were strong, critical, etc. Give us an example of a situation in which you were these things, illustrate your points. Do not spend several paragraphs listing your attributes.
2. In your case, I think you should give us an example, a memorable story that people would walk away from your statement with. An example of this inequality you mention and of you working against it plus your dual culture, whatever. I am positive you have many.
3. Make sure everything you write builds towards the point of you like, needing to become a lawyer, and how it is in their best interest to have such an amazing student (because you are clearly pretty amazing)
4. Don't add new points in your conclusion. Your conclusion should serve as a wrapping up of what you said in an impact-ful way.

Good luck, best wishes.

mufyani
Posts: 11
Joined: Tue Sep 29, 2009 12:26 pm

Re: Swapping personal statements

Postby mufyani » Fri Dec 11, 2009 1:40 am

Thank you so much for reading my statement!! I will definitely take all your comments into account. I was afraid that I had too many themes that were unnecessary. Thank you again... greatly appreciated!!! :D

madcherrylimas
Posts: 40
Joined: Sun Nov 08, 2009 12:41 pm

Re: Swapping personal statements

Postby madcherrylimas » Fri Dec 11, 2009 1:46 am

:) I hope the comments help, you're welcome.




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