Structurally this is a straightforward personal statement - it focuses on something the writer loves deeply, and it is formatted in such a way that it appears similar to other existing personal statements. There are so many samples out there, this is bound to happen.
I would challenge the writer to think about a few things: Because the essay focuses on the beginning of her love for horses, much of the essay feels quite young. This is a neutral statement, but it is important in the sense that young girls + horses is a known dreamy childhood quantity, which takes away some of its specialness as a topic. Because the primary obstacle that is overcome in the essay appears to be an eight-year-old needing to learn to care for a horse, I'm not sure that the reader gets the full payoff that is more standard for the personal statement. That is: at some point the reader would anticipate meeting adult you, who falls off a horse/sustains an injury/cannot afford horse lessons and must make a difficult decision. There is not much growth, or learning, represented here: it appears the writer rides a horse as long as she wants to, working some in college to pay for the personal joy, and then stops.
So it is a story of enjoyment, and happiness, and it certainly leaves the reader with the feeling that the writer is someone who is capable of commitment and follow-through. But it doesn't necessarily leave the reader with the impression that the writer has substantial grit, or chutzpah, or ambition - which are all attributes that will see a person through the harsh vagaries of 1L, and then through to the shark-infested job market at the end of the 3-year ride. Tone can matter as much as character in a personal statement; consider whether there are any nuances to your story that might indicate that the writer may be happy, but can also persevere, learn, and/or overcome.
Last edited by debdeb2
on Sat Aug 29, 2015 2:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.