ok yall, shred this PS. I thank you in advance. I'd rather hear it from you than get not get the big envelope.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Bitisinc

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Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Mar 06, 2019 11:37 am

ok yall, shred this PS. I thank you in advance. I'd rather hear it from you than get not get the big envelope.

Postby Bitisinc » Fri Mar 15, 2019 11:14 am

The settings are immaculate. Mise en place rituals have been performed and completed perfectly. The guests arrive. They shyly mispronounce some of today's offerings as they probe for, and receive information about tonight's menu offerings and wine pairings. The clinking of glasses, tinkling and scraping of cutlery, and the small bursts of discrete laughter throughout the dining room give way to the silence of another concluded service for the night. I am a restaurant server, and I love what I do for a living. Why law school? I concretely believe that the reason to work hard, and become excellent at any given endeavor, is to arrive in a position to be of best help to others. For me, that position of best help is in providing of legal services.
The first inkling that I knew I could be good lawyer came when I worked together with an employment attorney to secure repayment of my, and my co-oworkers, wrongly-taken wages. I took the lead in the lawsuit, gathered documents, and helped form a class for a successful settlement. My employer at the time underestimated what a group of "lowly waiters" could do with a focused will and organization. As I was working in an "At-Will" state at the time, I was fired with what can only be described as great dispatch soon after the disposition of the case. Nonetheless, it felt good to get redress, and the work I did with lawyer was instinctual; it felt important. It was reassuring to know that the arena of law could be a place where fair is fair. My undergraduate degree is in Politcal Science which, I know, is a huge departure for those on the law school track. In those many theory classes, I was introduced to concepts which anchor my thoughts on what promises society can keep for its citizens.
The Rawlsian veil of ignorance, as a philosophical construct, informs how I deal with those I encounter professionally, as both my guests and colleagues. A common career arc for many restaurant industry employees is that at some point, you more than likely will assume all of the varying job roles at different points along the career path. On that continuum, you may wash dishes, wait tables, manage the staff, etc. These roles can occur linearly, cyclically, or concurrently. These “rises and falls” lend themselves to respecting, and empathizing with the efforts of others. For example, being promoted to a management position made me a better server, and vice-versa. I treat everyone fairly, because all parts of the team are valued assets necessary for success.
In my years in the restaurant industry, I've become a leader who installs service cultures based on mutual respect. My work centers around teaching both ownership and and lower-level employees that the distance between the two camps is not-so-great of a distance. Currently, the training program that I've created has garnered my team a nomination for D.C.'s Restaurant Association Outstanding Service Award.
Adding value to the opinions of those may feel least likely to affect change drives the vision of how teams have been successful under my leadership. Recently, our 16 year old weekend dishwasher relayed that his high school ceramics classmates could produce high quality plateware. Soon after learning this, I was instrumental in partnering with those young people and now all sides benefit. The restaurant receives locally produced, high quality plates, and those students are given the opportunity to earn money and derrive pride from their efforts.
I find that parallels can be drawn between the working environments I foster in the restaurant industry, and what I feel jurisprudence can ideally achieve. Fair treatment for all without regard to their station in life should be the aim of a just system. A shallow dive into statistical legal outcomes proves that equal treatment is yet to come. It is incumbent on practitioners to correct the balance. I am confident that I will be helpful in that space.
While earning my bachelor's degree, I took two courses on the Supreme Court's decision making processes. These courses solidified my decision to pursue a legal career. One course dealt with the Constitution as it concerns the tension of power between the “many states” and federal government over one another. The other course was about the reducible nature of governmental statutory power to the individual citizen. Those courses as a tandem, crystallized that I knew very little (read: near nothing) about the law and the mechanisms our society uses to create order. It was humbling, because I am a fundamentally curious person who likes to consider myself generally well-informed. Beyond that, those courses ignited that curiosity about how we organize our day to day lives. The notion that I could be a part of helping others detangle an ostensibly byzantine legal structure to achieve fair outcomes resonated strongly. Those courses taught me how ask better questions and raised more questions with every answer I received.
I was taught in those undergraduate courses that cases are about legitimate, competing interests placing their faith in the arbitration of the state. Each competing side is entitled, and for the health of our society, required to have the best set of relevant evidence in support of their position. Dispassionately exploring the processes of both sound and poor decision making lures me. Analysis of each type of decision provides blueprints on how to continue bending the law toward equality. I believe that these decisions expose and test the fibers of our civil morality.
The personal draw, in terms of concentrtion, to UDC Law is the Civil Rights and Equality Pathway, or the Public Service/ Public Policy Pathway offered at UDC. There is no more a fundamental protection that a society can offer to an individual than an equal opportunity to the benefits of membership, without regard to ascribed traits. Stopping the de facto contraction of the franchise is where I feel the strongest pull. The vote dictates all areas of the American experience. Since Shelby v. Holder was decided in 2013, fourteen states passed more restrictive voting laws which doubtlessly shrank minority enfranchisement. One side legitimately argued to protect the integrity of the vote by increasing the safeguards of identity of the voter. The opposing legitimate interest argued that there is not enough widespread fraud to warrant any additional safeguards. They further asserted that adding additional requirements may have a chilling effect on voting for minority citizens. My purpose is exploring these matters.
If I were to shrink away in this space where I am called to, I would feel complicit in continuing the paradigm of under-representation. Simultaneously seeking redress for wrongs committed, while continuing to assert previously confirmed rights, resonates with me. The Holder decision evinces the idea that civil rights battles which were hard fought and ostensibly won, are not over. This is why chose xxx Law. I am an older student, and xxx Law has few peers as it relates to those of my circumstance. I am a minority student, and xxx Law's commitment to minority communities draws me toward this legal program.
I am a server, and I love what I do. I am great at it. The best part of what I offer is making people feel welcome to the hospitality and expertise with which I conduct the craft. I study flavor profiles of food in conjunction to exacting wine pairings to foster a more complete experience for all of my guests. There are some restaurants whose overall impression is that great quality products and services are for the select few. Their attitude can be likened to the sentiment: “We can't stop you. So sit, I guess”. For under-served communities legal representation looks like this. Similarly, classically under-served groups do not receive the same welcome to quality legal services, and further, do not enjoy the feeling of being welcome to quality legal services. There is a gulf between, “I won't stop you from enjoying all you are legally entitled to as a citizen”, and, “Please avail yourself to all the benefits that your citizenship entails." I want to ply my hands to study the law, and be of best help to those who have been previously ignored. Upon degree completion I will follow my passion by serving in this area. I want to learn that at xxx Law.

acr

Silver
Posts: 770
Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2014 11:14 pm

Re: ok yall, shred this PS. I thank you in advance. I'd rather hear it from you than get not get the big envelope.

Postby acr » Fri Mar 15, 2019 11:52 am

Bitisinc wrote:The settings are immaculate. Mise en place rituals have been performed and completed perfectly. The guests arrive. They shyly mispronounce some of today's offerings as they probe for, and receive information about tonight's menu offerings and wine pairings. The clinking of glasses, tinkling and scraping of cutlery, and the small bursts of discrete laughter throughout the dining room give way to the silence of another concluded service for the night. I am a restaurant server, and I love what I do for a living. Why law school? I concretely believe that the reason to work hard, and become excellent at any given endeavor, is to arrive in a position to be of best help to others. For me, that position of best help is in providing of legal services.
The first inkling that I knew I could be good lawyer came when I worked together with an employment attorney to secure repayment of my, and my co-oworkers, wrongly-taken wages. I took the lead in the lawsuit, gathered documents, and helped form a class for a successful settlement. My employer at the time underestimated what a group of "lowly waiters" could do with a focused will and organization. As I was working in an "At-Will" state at the time, I was fired with what can only be described as great dispatch soon after the disposition of the case. Nonetheless, it felt good to get redress, and the work I did with lawyer was instinctual; it felt important. It was reassuring to know that the arena of law could be a place where fair is fair. My undergraduate degree is in Politcal Science which, I know, is a huge departure for those on the law school track. In those many theory classes, I was introduced to concepts which anchor my thoughts on what promises society can keep for its citizens.
The Rawlsian veil of ignorance, as a philosophical construct, informs how I deal with those I encounter professionally, as both my guests and colleagues. A common career arc for many restaurant industry employees is that at some point, you more than likely will assume all of the varying job roles at different points along the career path. On that continuum, you may wash dishes, wait tables, manage the staff, etc. These roles can occur linearly, cyclically, or concurrently. These “rises and falls” lend themselves to respecting, and empathizing with the efforts of others. For example, being promoted to a management position made me a better server, and vice-versa. I treat everyone fairly, because all parts of the team are valued assets necessary for success.
In my years in the restaurant industry, I've become a leader who installs service cultures based on mutual respect. My work centers around teaching both ownership and and lower-level employees that the distance between the two camps is not-so-great of a distance. Currently, the training program that I've created has garnered my team a nomination for D.C.'s Restaurant Association Outstanding Service Award.
Adding value to the opinions of those may feel least likely to affect change drives the vision of how teams have been successful under my leadership. Recently, our 16 year old weekend dishwasher relayed that his high school ceramics classmates could produce high quality plateware. Soon after learning this, I was instrumental in partnering with those young people and now all sides benefit. The restaurant receives locally produced, high quality plates, and those students are given the opportunity to earn money and derrive pride from their efforts.
I find that parallels can be drawn between the working environments I foster in the restaurant industry, and what I feel jurisprudence can ideally achieve. Fair treatment for all without regard to their station in life should be the aim of a just system. A shallow dive into statistical legal outcomes proves that equal treatment is yet to come. It is incumbent on practitioners to correct the balance. I am confident that I will be helpful in that space.
While earning my bachelor's degree, I took two courses on the Supreme Court's decision making processes. These courses solidified my decision to pursue a legal career. One course dealt with the Constitution as it concerns the tension of power between the “many states” and federal government over one another. The other course was about the reducible nature of governmental statutory power to the individual citizen. Those courses as a tandem, crystallized that I knew very little (read: near nothing) about the law and the mechanisms our society uses to create order. It was humbling, because I am a fundamentally curious person who likes to consider myself generally well-informed. Beyond that, those courses ignited that curiosity about how we organize our day to day lives. The notion that I could be a part of helping others detangle an ostensibly byzantine legal structure to achieve fair outcomes resonated strongly. Those courses taught me how ask better questions and raised more questions with every answer I received.
I was taught in those undergraduate courses that cases are about legitimate, competing interests placing their faith in the arbitration of the state. Each competing side is entitled, and for the health of our society, required to have the best set of relevant evidence in support of their position. Dispassionately exploring the processes of both sound and poor decision making lures me. Analysis of each type of decision provides blueprints on how to continue bending the law toward equality. I believe that these decisions expose and test the fibers of our civil morality.
The personal draw, in terms of concentrtion, to UDC Law is the Civil Rights and Equality Pathway, or the Public Service/ Public Policy Pathway offered at UDC. There is no more a fundamental protection that a society can offer to an individual than an equal opportunity to the benefits of membership, without regard to ascribed traits. Stopping the de facto contraction of the franchise is where I feel the strongest pull. The vote dictates all areas of the American experience. Since Shelby v. Holder was decided in 2013, fourteen states passed more restrictive voting laws which doubtlessly shrank minority enfranchisement. One side legitimately argued to protect the integrity of the vote by increasing the safeguards of identity of the voter. The opposing legitimate interest argued that there is not enough widespread fraud to warrant any additional safeguards. They further asserted that adding additional requirements may have a chilling effect on voting for minority citizens. My purpose is exploring these matters.
If I were to shrink away in this space where I am called to, I would feel complicit in continuing the paradigm of under-representation. Simultaneously seeking redress for wrongs committed, while continuing to assert previously confirmed rights, resonates with me. The Holder decision evinces the idea that civil rights battles which were hard fought and ostensibly won, are not over. This is why chose xxx Law. I am an older student, and xxx Law has few peers as it relates to those of my circumstance. I am a minority student, and xxx Law's commitment to minority communities draws me toward this legal program.
I am a server, and I love what I do. I am great at it. The best part of what I offer is making people feel welcome to the hospitality and expertise with which I conduct the craft. I study flavor profiles of food in conjunction to exacting wine pairings to foster a more complete experience for all of my guests. There are some restaurants whose overall impression is that great quality products and services are for the select few. Their attitude can be likened to the sentiment: “We can't stop you. So sit, I guess”. For under-served communities legal representation looks like this. Similarly, classically under-served groups do not receive the same welcome to quality legal services, and further, do not enjoy the feeling of being welcome to quality legal services. There is a gulf between, “I won't stop you from enjoying all you are legally entitled to as a citizen”, and, “Please avail yourself to all the benefits that your citizenship entails." I want to ply my hands to study the law, and be of best help to those who have been previously ignored. Upon degree completion I will follow my passion by serving in this area. I want to learn that at xxx Law.


Do you think you're James Joyce?

Your language is wayyyyy too flowery.

Starting from the first sentence--"The settings are immaculate"--you present yourself as overly-philosophical, melodramatic, and like you're trying to prove something with "advanced" writing.

Here are more examples where the choice of language made me cringe:

"They shyly mispronounce some of today's offerings as they probe for, and receive information about tonight's menu offerings and wine pairings"

"I concretely believe that the reason to work hard, and become excellent at any given endeavor, is to arrive in a position to be of best help to others. For me, that position of best help is in providing of legal services."

"My undergraduate degree is in Politcal Science which, I know, is a huge departure for those on the law school track"

"I find that parallels can be drawn between the working environments I foster in the restaurant industry, and what I feel jurisprudence can ideally achieve"

etc etc etc etc etc etc

Just write in simple, normal language. That's how they'll teach you to write in law school anyway. You don't need to try to write the next great short story.

I also think that you're all over the place with your concept. It's not tight enough. There's like a triangle going on between your experience as a server, the classes you took in college & your ideas of fairness, and your desire to practice law. I didn't get it, to be honest. I didn't find your connection between your experience as a server and your desire to practice law compelling.

So, yeah. I would recommend overhauling this PS and starting something a narrative that follows some semblance of chronological order. And use more direct writing.

Bitisinc

New
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Mar 06, 2019 11:37 am

Re: ok yall, shred this PS. I thank you in advance. I'd rather hear it from you than get not get the big envelope.

Postby Bitisinc » Fri Mar 15, 2019 1:07 pm

Thank you! I'll tone it down. A lot. I'll do better to connect why i like fairness, how i find it through restaurant service and how i think it may translate to law practice. I'm finding it clunky and tried to hide it using the flowery language. I've been doing restaurants for 10+years and I'm transitioning to law. It's something I've always wanted to do, because i think I'll be good at it. Again i really appreciate the feedback

cavalier1138

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Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2016 8:01 pm

Re: ok yall, shred this PS. I thank you in advance. I'd rather hear it from you than get not get the big envelope.

Postby cavalier1138 » Fri Mar 15, 2019 1:07 pm

Yeah, this is about twice as long as it should be. You can cut the flower language, but you can also cut a large portion of the content.

Focus your PS on a single thing. That thing can be an event, a theme, etc. But it cannot be a generic discussion of how restaurants mirror life, accompanied with a very in-depth rehashing of your resume. Pick one thing, then tell us about it in two double-spaced pages (or less).

NonTradHealthLaw

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Posts: 464
Joined: Mon May 03, 2010 2:44 pm

Re: ok yall, shred this PS. I thank you in advance. I'd rather hear it from you than get not get the big envelope.

Postby NonTradHealthLaw » Fri Mar 15, 2019 9:22 pm

Excellent writer. Very workable theme. Horrible personal statement as soon as your polisci sentence. Was that sarcasm? Then Rawlsian.... ooof.

Like traveling internationally, lay all your adverbs and adjectives on the bed and unpack 90%.

jsnow212

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Posts: 62
Joined: Sat Jan 19, 2019 11:36 am

Re: ok yall, shred this PS. I thank you in advance. I'd rather hear it from you than get not get the big envelope.

Postby jsnow212 » Sat Mar 16, 2019 7:48 am

NonTradHealthLaw wrote:Excellent writer. Very workable theme. Horrible personal statement as soon as your polisci sentence. Was that sarcasm? Then Rawlsian.... ooof.

Like traveling internationally, lay all your adverbs and adjectives on the bed and unpack 90%.


I see what you did there :shock:

Bitisinc

New
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Mar 06, 2019 11:37 am

Re: ok yall, shred this PS. I thank you in advance. I'd rather hear it from you than get not get the big envelope.

Postby Bitisinc » Mon Mar 18, 2019 1:26 pm

cavalier1138 wrote:Yeah, this is about twice as long as it should be. You can cut the flower language, but you can also cut a large portion of the content.

Focus your PS on a single thing. That thing can be an event, a theme, etc. But it cannot be a generic discussion of how restaurants mirror life, accompanied with a very in-depth rehashing of your resume. Pick one thing, then tell us about it in two double-spaced pages (or less).



Ok great advice. You good folks are treasure. Thank you for helping

Bitisinc

New
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Mar 06, 2019 11:37 am

Re: ok yall, shred this PS. I thank you in advance. I'd rather hear it from you than get not get the big envelope.

Postby Bitisinc » Mon Mar 18, 2019 1:29 pm

NonTradHealthLaw wrote:Excellent writer. Very workable theme. Horrible personal statement as soon as your polisci sentence. Was that sarcasm? Then Rawlsian.... ooof.

Like traveling internationally, lay all your adverbs and adjectives on the bed and unpack 90%.



Lol...i feel ya. Much appreciated. "Rawlsian" emits vapors..✌️✌️



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