Mooch looking for PS critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Tommiahipp

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Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Sep 25, 2018 8:53 pm

Mooch looking for PS critique

Postby Tommiahipp » Sat Oct 27, 2018 1:31 am

Well, looking for PS critique. Roast away. Thanks in advance.

Sometimes having everything means having next to nothing. That’s what I learned when a Guatemalan refugee, after recounting tales of fleeing murderous gangs, domestic violence, and death threats culminated her plea for asylum with “Tenemos todo acá… Agua, comida y una futura” (we have everything here… Food, water, and a future). The threadbare barracks she and her daughter shared with up to 2,000 other asylum seekers; the two daily meals and the doctor that prescribed only honey and water – to her, this was everything. Amid what I would have thought to be a time to dwell on the past, this woman was looking forward with hope and optimism.

In that tiny concrete room my bubble burst and thoughts went whirring through my brain, like what does it mean to have everything? I struggled with this question, but I have learned throughout life that struggle can be good because when you struggle and grapple with something yourself, you come to your own unique and novel understanding of the situation. With this in mind, I realized that despite the adverse circumstances in my life, I too had everything. Consequentially, I began to wonder how I could help others, like that Guatemalan woman, attain everything. For my entire life, my driven nature and my ability to stir up a passion, and concentrate it on a task, has been powerful. It has led me to my greatest accomplishments and sustained me through my most difficult times, but I had yet to focus it on something greater than myself.

This passion woke me up at the crack of dawn every summer morning in high school and college to go run with my cross-country teammates, never take shortcuts (literally), and to lead by example. Fueled by this passion, I earned multiple state titles and ultimately a scholarship to compete as a division 1 track and cross-country athlete. My drive persevered me through working 40-hour weeks each summer and Christmas break since I was 14. While my mother was struggling with alcoholism, I was working to help my family weather the medical expenses incurred from my father’s bout with cancer, and his ongoing fight with dementia and heart failure. Rather than begrudge the adversity life has forced upon myself and my family, I embrace what it has granted me. Grappling with adversity has afforded me many things – a love of hard work, a perspicacious disposition, and an unadulterated view of people in their deepest struggles. Each of these has aided me in my life, in the school of hard knocks kind of way. Fortunately, the school of hard knocks is a great teacher, and has provided me invaluable lessons as I strive towards goals that are now far greater than myself.

Since the chilling words of that Guatemalan woman, I have worked indefatigably to actuate change so that everyone, no matter their background, can have everything. Although I am young, and admittedly a bit naïve, I have thrust myself without restraint towards fostering a more equitable world by means of the right combination of passion, leadership and humility.

My time with those asylees taught me that creating a more equitable world is not something that can be done alone. Given this, I have enlisted the curious and empathetic minds of dozens of elementary schoolers. As I have helped manage and lead an afterschool elementary Spanish program, I have instilled in my students not only the fundamentals of Spanish conjugation, but the curiosity of the people and cultures like those found at that detention center in southern Texas. This curiosity will fuel them as they inevitably change the world, whether that be aiding asylum seekers or through another noble endeavor.

Fostering the economic development of (lots of minorities) during my time at the (minority economic development nonprofit) was reminiscent of my time working with those asylees. I strived to help represent those voices that often go unheard by creating innovative strategies to be more effective advocates. Most importantly, I worked to help those (minority) businesses and their employees move that much closer to having everything.

I have experienced tragedies, triumphs, and everything in between. Nothing, however, has impacted me more than my time with those asylees. That transformative experience clarified that ameliorating lives, and helping everyone have everything, is where my passion is. By attending law school and continuing to learn from the school of hard knocks, I intend to gain skills that will allow me to advocate most effectively for those facing obstacles in attaining their everything. I know I have a lot of work to do and a lot to learn, but I know that I am on my way.

Tommiahipp

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Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Sep 25, 2018 8:53 pm

Re: Mooch looking for PS critique

Postby Tommiahipp » Mon Oct 29, 2018 12:26 pm

Will swap with anyone looking for critique as well!

LogicTech

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Joined: Mon Oct 29, 2018 3:59 pm

Re: Mooch looking for PS critique

Postby LogicTech » Mon Oct 29, 2018 4:04 pm

Hi, I just wanted to say that I am working on my PS now and found yours to be really helpful. You transition v well from anecdote to reflection. That is one of the things I am struggling with now, how to go from the story of my PS into "my story". Anyway, the only thing I really can say is, I wonder if you need the full quote in the introduction, or you can just shorten it to "“Tenemos todo aca” (we have everything here). Good job though :D

Tommiahipp

New
Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Sep 25, 2018 8:53 pm

Re: Mooch looking for PS critique

Postby Tommiahipp » Mon Oct 29, 2018 8:26 pm

LogicTech wrote:Hi, I just wanted to say that I am working on my PS now and found yours to be really helpful. You transition v well from anecdote to reflection. That is one of the things I am struggling with now, how to go from the story of my PS into "my story". Anyway, the only thing I really can say is, I wonder if you need the full quote in the introduction, or you can just shorten it to "“Tenemos todo aca” (we have everything here). Good job though :D



Thanks! Yeah, I will think about that if I end up getting tight for space! Thanks for the input and compliment. Best of luck to you!



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