PS Feedback

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
shukwah
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Jan 23, 2018 6:14 pm

PS Feedback

Postby shukwah » Tue Jan 30, 2018 11:05 pm

I know this might be a little late to ask since a lot of the people here have already finished the application process.
But would anyone be willing to read my paper? Thank you for reading!

DrGlennRichie
Posts: 171
Joined: Sun Jan 15, 2017 4:22 pm

Re: PS Feedback

Postby DrGlennRichie » Tue Jan 30, 2018 11:27 pm

shukwah wrote:I know this might be a little late to ask since a lot of the people here have already finished the application process.
But would anyone be willing to read my paper? Thank you for reading!


Post it

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10714
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PS Feedback

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Jan 31, 2018 1:34 am

Unfortunately, you would have to post it as the PM function has been taken away (maybe temporarily, maybe forever).

shukwah
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Jan 23, 2018 6:14 pm

Re: PS Feedback

Postby shukwah » Wed Jan 31, 2018 1:52 am

Here is my paper, I am not sure how to format it here but I will indent later.

The power of language is important in bringing people together, yet it also causes problems when there is a perception that one’s language is better than another. When I was ten years old, my parents and I moved to the United States from Singapore; his friends had told him stories of many economic opportunities. My parents did not graduate from secondary school, so it was always difficult for them to find work in Singapore sufficient to support our family.
Not knowing anyone in the United States, my parents had to take it upon themselves to learn how to navigate the bustling city that was now our home. I clearly remember the first time my parents and I went to the bank in our neighborhood after arriving from Singapore. My parents needed to withdraw money from an automated teller machine (ATM), but they were unable to because the words were in English and an error message kept popping up. A line was quickly forming behind us and customers were starting to become impatient. I remember my mother apologizing with her Singaporean accent and bowing her head many times. I felt helpless and that moment because I did not know what to do but to cover my face with my scarf. A kind man who looked to be in his thirties stepped out of line to help my parents with the withdrawal. He spoke to my parents in Chinese teaching them how to use the ATM and he also told the customers in line that we were new immigrants.
This act of kindness inspired my studies, where I became more diligent in learning English. Attending elementary school in the United States was difficult for me since, I had to learn how to use English to communicate with my teachers and classmates. I felt that my English would not improve because I was put into English as a Secondary Language (ESL) classes for students who were not strong in English. I felt dejected because I was learning simple phrases compared to the other students. I slowly became comfortable using English in front of my peers, and my Singaporean accent started to fade through mimicking the ways in which people spoke English around me. Becoming proficient in English has helped me in ways that have brought joy in my life through volunteer work, such as serving as an aid in hospice care for elderly patients who only speak Chinese. I am able to tell the nurses on duty if the patients need anything or feel discomfort. I am able to become the voice that these patients do not have when there are no translators to help them.
The United States is a multiethnic, multinational, multicultural, and multiracial country where migrants from various part of the world come to live. My interest in Asian American studies stemmed from the reality that I was facing on an everyday basis. The complexity of my identity enabled me to question the importance of my citizenship and my relationship to the global order. Even though I did not graduate with a degree in Asian American studies, the classes I took expanded my knowledge and have constantly reminded me of the complex social and cultural issues that many immigrants face.
Participating in social events around Los Angeles has brought me closer to the immigrant community where I am able to listen to the stories that immigrants faced when first arriving to the United States. Instead of learning from a book, I was able to gain a deeper understanding of the complexity of social justice through talking with immigrant activists because each person had their own unique narratives where they were able to overcome their own fears in order to create changes in their life and communities.
My experiences growing up gave me a newfound duty to help immigrants and refugees. I realized that many immigrants like myself struggle constantly because we believe we have no voice. Law school will allow me to pursue immigration law in order to create positive change in the world for others like me. I hope to bring aid and comfort to other immigrants who are unable to be heard because of language. I want to be the voice fighting for immigration advocacy; I want to educate immigrants about their rights and the intersectionality it has with other fields.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10714
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PS Feedback

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Jan 31, 2018 11:45 am

Your writing lacks a clear and fluid theme.

The opening sentence and the ending sentence both need work.

For example: "... and the intersectionality it has with other fields." is awkward and should be changed to : "and the relationship it has to other fields."

"I want to be the voice fighting for immigration advocacy;" isn't clear as to what you want to communicate to the reader. I think that you intended to communicate: "I want to advocate for immigrants' rights;". OR "I want to be an advocate for immigrants' rights."

Your opening sentence is weak. Consider: "Language is a powerful way to bring people together, but it can also create barriers. When I was ten years old...".

You need to focus on making your writing clear and concise. As written, it appears a bit disjointed & too wordy.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10714
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PS Feedback

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Jan 31, 2018 11:48 am

Is the theme of your personal statement about language or about immigrants' rights ?

If you want to talk about both topics, then you need to find a way to tie them together in a more fluid fashion.




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